I guess a fare job, but I feel like that I could do a much better job. In fact, my calling may be to cast these types of movies. I'll have my assistant send some resumes out west immediately! For now, though, I will stick to some nonsensical babbling. The thing I notice most from this above picture, is the kid portraying MPG may be Zac Efron's brother, am I right? Regardless, that kid's agent should really look into getting someone to pen a BTS for High School Musical. Don't pretend like you weren't already secretly hoping that would happen. Anyways, I digress. Back to the nostalgia thing.
I started thinking back to when Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch got its start, during the blogging revolution of the early 21st century. I was unaware of blogging, and barely used the internet. Yeah, you read that correctly. In fact, when "Bitterness" launched, changing the face of blogging forever, some might say, I did not even own my own personal computer. One post a week, usually written at my local library was all my readers could hope for. There were ups, downs and of course, what have yous. I started to remember how much fun I had regurgitating my stream of consciousness into this space, for tens (almost) of people to read. But there were lulls in posting. Could have been due to laziness, but let's see it was due to a much busier personal and professional life. I'll wait for your laughter to die down. Finished? No? Okay, I'll give you a few more seconds to wrap it up.
Good? Okay, great. Where was I? Oh yeah, the lulls or hiatuses to make it sound classy. Currently we were facing the biggest hiatus in "Bitterness" history and today, somehow thanks to a Lifetime BTS movie on Saved by the Bell, that hiatus has come to an end.
I make no guarantees, but I am going to try my hardest to get my weekly picks out every week (which will normally include the Thursday game...whoops) starting now. Well, starting momentarily. First, I want to make it known that I did very little research this offseason and most of my knowledge came from the last week or two, whilst cramming for draft fantasy football teams, so this may not be the sharp analysis you'll find on your big name blogs or sports outlets. To be fair, I am not doing any extra research or fact checking for this post, now, either. So enjoy!
WEEK ONE
SAINTS (-3) at FALCONS: A classic NFC South, formerly NFC West, rivalry, here. People forget about the Falcons very easily and their performance last year could be the cause of that. Remember, though, the Dirty Birds were the class of the NFC (sort of) what seems like just a couple of years ago. I have nothing against the Falcons, but the Saints are better. How's that for analysis, huh? Boom. Nailed it! Yeah, I just feel like the Saints are better than the Falcons at every facet of the game right now and Drew Brees, since I know you read this, a TD pass to Brandin Cooks this week, would really help me out. I think the Saints get at least to the NFC Championship game and at least to 28 points in this one. Saints 37-21
VIKINGS (+3) at RAMS: The Rams defense is a trendy fantasy pick this year, ya know, if you take time to draft a fantasy defense that is. Nevertheless they will have to deal with AP in week one which is a monster task. The good news for the Rams is Matt Cassel is the starting QB for the Vikings. Honestly I don't expect much from either team this season, and I think special teams is the difference in this one. A Cordarrelle Patterson TD return for the "W". Vikings 23-17
BROWNS (+6.5) at STEELERS: Come Sunday I will be sporting my John Jurcovic Browns jersey. There is no real point to this, other than the fact I would rather not pile on the Browns at this juncture. Heck, this is a Browns fan's favorite time of year, 0-0, tied for first, a gleam of "anything can happen" in their eyes. Deep down they all know how this season ends for their beloved Brownies and their factory of sadness, but they can shut that part of their brain out with alcohol, I know I will. Steelers 24-10
JAGUARS (+10.5) at EAGLES: You know that scene in the movie Major League (if you already don't think you are going to know it, you have probably not seen Major League at all or enough, and you need to stop reading immediately and go watch Major League) where the Indians start to win here and there, leading to some quick cuts of fans (and Asian groundskeepers) who, earlier in the motion picture, were not at all impressed with the Indians players, surmise that "hey, they're actually not so bad?" (I am paraphrasing, to keep it clean)? That's kind of what the Jaguars are wishing for this season and I think they'll get that wish. Not quite as successfully as the Indians in Major League, but I think they will be much more watchable in '14. Eagles 24-10
RAIDERS (+5.5) at JETS: I think the Jets will win the Super Bowl. Hahahahahahaha! Oh, sorry, I am in a silly mood, today. Of course I don't think that, what am I Rex Ryan? This probably wins the week one "Game I could not care less about" award, brought to you by Boku. The only reason I might watch this is because I have the Jets defense on one of my five fantasy football teams, but that's a long shot. I mean, does anyone watch a game (barring it being the only game on), because the one player they have going in it, is there frickin' defense? I mean, maybe if you have what you believe to be a good defense that is fun to watch, but even then, we're grasping at straws. Jets 15-7
BENGALS (+1.5) at RAVENS: Here is where some research may have paid off, since I have no idea how the Ravens look this year or what to expect from them. I always think they are overrated, regardless, so there is that, I suppose. I am big on Giovanni Bernard this year and Andy Dalton is just as, if not more, serviceable as Joe Flacco, in my mind. Bengals 27-17
BILLS (+7) at BEARS: I like to make fun of Jay Cutler plenty, but for the first time in, well, ever, I am kind of high on the Bears QB. Second year under Marc Trestman, with some good weapons at his disposal (watch out for Martellus Bennett this year, world)? I know, I know, it is hard to trust or believe in Jay Cutler, but I am not saying the Bears head to the Super Bowl or anything, but I think they will be in the playoff hunt and Cutler may not be all that terrible. I think Jay "cutlers" up that Bills defense, Sunday. Bears 31-17
REDSKINS (+3) at HOUSTON: I went pretty big on RG3 in my fantasy leagues, which is probably the death of his season. Sorry, 'Skins fans. But, in all honesty, I think the Redskins offense will be fun to watch this year. I don't know that they will explode for big points against the Texans, though. This one is a tough one, because I don't know exactly what t make of either team coming into the season. I think I take the Redskins in this one. Redskins 17-13
TITANS (+3) at CHIEFS: Outside of Jamaal Charles the Chiefs don't have much in the way of offensive flash. The defense should still be decent though and Alex Smith is steady at QB. I do like the youth on offense in Tennessee and think they could surprise some people this season. I don't, however, think it will click in week one at Arowhead. Chiefs 24-13
PATRIOTS (-4) at DOLPHINS: I grew up in Massachusetts and have been following the Pats all my life and one think I think I know to be true, is the Patriots never seem to dominate the Dolphins down in Florida. We all know the Patriots are going to find ways to win, yada, yada, yada, but I expect this one to be ugly. Look for a big play from Mike Wallace in this one, but also look for something quirky to happen for the Pats to edge out the "W". Patriots 28-27
PANTHERS (+2.5) at BUCCANEERS: I wouldn't say Cam Newton will have a down year numbers wise, per se, but I think the QB and the Panthers take a step back in 2014. Josh McCown will pick apart that Carolina secondary and get Vincent Jackson two TDs, probably. Buccaneers 34-20
49ERS (-4.5) at COWBOYS: I don't expect the Cowboys to be good at all this year. Look for a lot of bicep kissing in this one. Some of it from Colin Kaepernick, even. 49ers 35-14
COLTS (+7.5) at BRONCOS: If Peyton Manning does anything close to last year's opener, the Colts don't stand a chance. While I think it is partly silly to think Peyton duplicates last year's performance, you still have to expect him to put some points on the board in that mile high air on Sunday night, right? Colts 38-27
LIONS (-6) at GIANTS: The only thing giant in the Meadowlands this season, will be the level of disappointment. To describe the Giants offense in the preseason I will divert to dodgeball legend Patches O'Houlian, "You look like a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob!" Now, obviously, preseason can always lead people astray, but I sort of think what you saw is what you'll get. Lions 27-10
CHARGERS (+3) at ARIZONA: I will say this is actually a second Monday night game I'd like to watch. I probably won't, cause it'll be past my bedtime, but still. A lot of people or high on the Cardinals and I can see why. The defense was darned decent last year, the Larry Fitzgerald torch can be passed along to Floyd and blah, blah, blah, but this just in from "Bitterness" correspondent Sergeant Obvious, "Losing Andre Ellington for at least a month is not good." Thanks sarge, that is exactly right. I like the Cardinals, but I feel like everyone being so high on them is a bad omen...just ask Andre Ellington. Chargers 24-21
Well, there you have it, the week one picks are in the books. Welcome back to "Bitterness" folks, enjoy the ride!
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