WEEK TWO: GAME OF GROANS

Week one is in the books and what a week it was! Punters getting all Daniel LaRusso'd (get 'em a body bag!) and, ya know, other stuff. Among the many things we know to be true after week one is that Tom Brady and the Pats are not making the playoffs, the Panthers defense is basically the Seahawks of the east coast, the Dolphins have the AFC East locked up, the Saints are in shambles, while Matt Ryan and the Falcons are back and ready to soar, and, of course Stafford to Johnson is the new Kitna to Furrey. Umm, it's week one, in the words of  Ygritte, "you know nothing." You may, however, know more than me, since my week one picks were not stellar. I did manage to salvage a 7-8 record, but am already 0-1 in week two, making my season record 7-9. That's probably not gonna get me into the playoffs, huh? Well I am sure to turn it around this week, loyal reader(s)! Well, after the loss to start the week that is...if you want to get all technical and whatnot. Turning it around starting right.....now!

Lions (+3) at Panthers: The Panthers are really favored, here? I mean I realize that the game is in Carolina and all, but still, really? Did the spreadmakers (not a great name) see the Monday night game? Now granted, the Giants are fairly bad, and Carolina is likely to possibly cover Calvin Johnson ...

but still! The Panthers defense looked great against the Bucs and Shaun Hill, sorry if, in the words of Shania, "that don't impress me much". Cam Newton should return this week, but I still like the Lions for the "upset". Lions 24-20

Dolphins(-1) at Bills: The Dolphins defensed stymied Tom Brady and the Patriots last week (in the second half anyways) which is somewhat impressive, right? Regardless of your feelings on the Patriots, you have to admit their offense should be somewhat decent, right? It's week two, so the question really is, is the Patriots offense really that bad or is the Dolphins defense really that good? I don't have the answer, per se, but I am not completely sold on the 'Phins based on that one game, but on the other hand, are they circling the wagons in Buffalo, yet?

Probably not and Bills fans certainly know better than to get their hopes up after beating Jay Cutlet, albeit on the road. Bills have won three of the last four in this rivalry, including the last two in Buffalo. Bills 23-17

Jaguars (+6) at Redskins: The 'Skins offense probably offended 'Skins fans and fantasy stake holders more in week one, than the team name and logo. Well, there's no JJ Watt this time around and despite a fast start the Jags, showed what they were made of in the second half of week one. Still, as I said, the Jags are at least more entertaining than last year, so look for another highly entertaining loss, this time around. Redskins 24-17

Cowboys (+3.5) at Titans: The Cowboys are just plain bad. There is no ifs, ands or buts about it, folks. Calling their defense a civ, may actually be a compliment. The surprise story this year could be Jake Locker. Did you fantasy players know that Locker's per game fantasy numbers were better than Tom Brady, Colin Kaepernick and Matt Ryan in 2013? Now, sure all those guys are currently on my overrated list (well, maybe not Ryan) but they are still names that get more hype than Locker. I think Jake will have one of the better stat lines for a QB on Sunday, mark my words. Titans 26-17

Cardinals (-2.5) at Giants: Just because it is really too easy to pick on the G-men, doesn't mean I won't do it. Look, the Giants did not seem to have it together last Monday night in the Motor City or all preseason for that matter. Make this interesting for yourself and drink every time you see the Eli "Aww shucks" face or arm flail.

Should be worth it. Cardinals 21-10

Patriots (-3) at Vikings: Remember how revamped and stingy that Patriots defense was supposed to be? Well, I guess no one told Knowshon Moreno that, huh? Well, at least the move to get rid of Logan Mankins looks like a stellar move so far. The Pats offensive line didn't look like it could have blocked Pee-Wee Herman, out there if they tried, on Sunday.



Or, you know some better analogy containing another easily blocked person or thing? While I think Patterson and Peterson give the Pats trouble, Geenie tells me that the Pats hold off the Vikes in this one. Patriots 24-17

Saints (-6.5) at Browns: The Browns almost victory on Sunday against the Steelers,seems even less impressive after the Steelers' showing on Thursday Night. Both of these teams played games decided by a field goal in week on; neither will do that in week two. Saints 35-20

Falcons (+5) at Bengals: This one intrigues me, I will say that. I like both teams in a "hey, it'd be nice for their franchises to win a Super Bowl, someday" kinda way, but neither of them is a team I put full trust in. Matt Ryan does not play well in outdoor road games. At least I think I read that somewhere, once? Don't worry, you know what to expect from "Bitterness", I will in no way back this proclamation up with any sort of sources or real, hard data. Bengals 21-17

Rams (+6) at Buccaneers: If I am either defense I am forcing the opposing offense to try and throw the ball. This could be the Shaun Hill (day-to-day)- Josh McCown shootout we've all been waiting for, said no one ever. I don't anticipate a ton of offense int his one, but like the Bucs at home. Buccaneers 20-13

Seahawks (-6) at Chargers: Hmmm, the Chargers only scored, what, 17 points against the Cardinals? What does that translate to against the Seahawks? Answer: a long afternoon for Phil Rivers. Seahawks 31-14

Texans (-3) at Raiders: One week is hardly a large enough sample size to gauge exactly how good the Texnas defense is, but we know JJ Watt to be beast like, soooo....Texans 24-9

Jets (+8.5) at Packers: The Packers are a bit battered, but Aaron Rodgers will have had 10 days or so to let that week one performance in Seattle, fester. I don't envy the Jets, which actually usually goes without saying. Packers 21-12

Chiefs (+12) at Broncos: Peyton Manning is good. There, I said it. Last season the Chiefs were able to hang with the Broncos in both games, but if I am factoring in how the Chiefs started this season, as opposed to last season, well...great googly moogly.





Broncos 34-13

Bears (+7) at 49ers: Not a strong finish in week one for Cutlet and the Bears. I foresee that week one finish carrying over into week two, where Cutlet has a, well, less than nice day. 49ers 28-10

Eagles (+3) at Colts: This one has all the makings of a high scoring game and I love it. Defense has it's time and place, sure. After all, that's what wins championships, but come Monday night I am all for kicking back and watching some points put on the board. Quite frankly, both of these teams, overall, are a bit of a mystery to me. Both could be really good, but I just don't know yet. I think the difference in this one, is the home field (I guess?). At least that's what I'm going with! Colts 31-27

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!