Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Mmmmm, BA-CON!

That's right folks, as my beloved Sawx limp through late August and early September, slowly trying to insure they will not make the playoffs, I can slowly turn my thoughts and concentration to the upcoming NFL season. As was said on Boston's WEEI this week, "At least the Sawx were good until the Patriots preseason was well underway." Not to say I've given up on those Rouge Socks, nothing could be farther from the truth, well actually there are probably quite a few things that are farther from the truth, like say, Jeremy Shockey is a model citizen and a great player. See, that's much farther from the truth. By the way, the Shockey drinking game always in affect, so drink up ladies! But the NFL regular season is just days away, and I need to get goin' with a preview for my valued readers (now totalling at least 9 in number), because if I don't, well, it doesn't really matter. Anyways, unlike previous years I actually have read up on the NFL before the season. Now, I know you're probably thinking, "well that's just no fun.", but it had to be done as I had a fantasy football draft last week and felt I would give myself a bit of a shot by actually knowing some things about the NFL, it's teams and players. Now, I'm not gonna lie, some things still jumped up and surprised me, but overall I felt at least three precent more knowlegeable than last year. So don't worry I am still less than average when knowing what's going on. So without further ado, well maybe just one more..."ADO"... I give you my 2006 NFL Random Thoughts, now with 10% more idiocy:

- New England:
The Patriots managed to sign Monty Biesel under that radar. That's right while everyone was on the lookout to see where Edgerrin James or T.O. would end up, the Pats managed to re-sign a relatively unknown mediocre linebacker. Now sure, until last week I thought his name was Monty Bissell and was all excited to officially nickname him the "Vacuum" or the "Cleaner". You know, because of this Bissell that has been cleaning carpets for a shade over a century. In any event, the Patriots are not nearly as intimidating or daunting as they once were way back when, 2004 to be exact, but it will take a lot for them not to win their division this year. Plus Ben Watson will be to Tom Brady what Ben Coates was to Drew Bledsoe! Only an injury to Tom Brady and call to Hugh Millen could land them out of the playoffs. Gimmick slogan: Maroney ain't full of Baloney! Projected record: 11-5

- Miami:
Sad as I am to say it, the Dolphins are the second best team in the division and have a good chance of making the playoffs. They won't, if I have anything to say about it! And I don't. They're still overrated and have arguably the least intelligent fans in sports, so I say Squish the Fish! Projected record: 9-7

- Buffalo
Buffalo, more like Buff-a-low! Just kidding! I just thought I'd get Bill and Javen all riled up. The Bills defense is still very solid and the offense could gel and be good by the end of the season, but let's face they're still rebuilding and Pete Metzalaars ain't walking through that door, kids! Projection: 5-11

- New York
J-E-T-S, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK! The chant is not as catchy as there usual rallying cry, but it's uncannily accurate and I like it. Tony Kornheiser said, "Mangini looks like a pizza delivery boy." And we all now that can't be good. NFL coaches who resemble pizza delivery boys are a horrendous 18-76. To me he looks sad like someone stole hi pizza or like he is dreaming of the many delectible toppings he could get on his pizza, or like his pizza has been kidnapped and he is being shown a live picture of it on the JumboTron. Actually he kind of reminds me of the kid who plays a young Doug Heffernan on King of Queens, but now grown up. Anyways, when your offense is relying on Kevin Barlow and Tim Dwight, well..... (insert your own punchline here). Projection: 3-13

- Cincy
The Bengals are back, albeit dysfunctional and not law abiding. As long as Carson Palmer is playing, the Bengals can hang with anyone. By the end of this season the Queen City pigskin fans will be saying Boomer Who? Unfortunately it will be awhile longer before they forget about David Klingler. What can I say ya gotta like the Bengals, well I suppose you don't have to, but ya should!

- Pittsburgh
The Steelers were overrated last year and I have to say I don't believe they were the better team on the field in any of their last four games. But they still have a good defense and running game which keeps pressure of of Big Ben and when they can run out the clock is where they will thrive. There schedule doesn't look overly tough, so it looks like it's back to the Playoffs for Bill "The Chin" Cowher. As far as a repeat goes, I wouldn't be too hopetimistic Steel City. At least Steelers fans have those towels handy to cry into.

- Baltimore
Obviously the big news in Baltimore was the aquisition of Steve McNair, an obvious upgrade for both Baltimore and McNair. Some of you, namely me, may not have know that McNair was a Pro Bowler last year. I can't say this team will be exciting to watch, cause it won't be, but the Ravens could play over their heads and get over .500. They won't. I predict that McNair will be haunted by the ghosts of legendary Ravens QBs, Kyle Boller and Anthony Wright and the Ravens end up at 8-8.

- Cleveland
The Browns, are not what I would call...good. Now, because I like the Browns I will not be too harsh, but Charlie Frye? Really? Frye is touted as the next Brian Sipe, and not in a good way, sorry Jitter. Oh and Frye's backups.....Derek Anderson, and Lang Campbell. Lang Campbell sounds like a realtor or something, COME ON! The defense has promise with some solid veterans like Willie McGinest and Ted Washington, but let's face it they're no spring chickens. But keep hope alive Cleveland, you could get a good QB outta the draft at one or two. In addition to the Dawg Pound, look for the Charlie Frye fan club the Frye Guys! They'll go 3-13.

- Indianapolis
You'd have to be a ninny if you didn't pick the Colts to win this division. This could finally be the year that Peyton gets the monkey off his back and wins the whole effin thing. Just think if the Colts had, had Vinatieri last season, they may have taken the Steelers spots as the champs. I'd also like to add that I don't think their is an NFL player with better commercials. "Cut that MEAT, mmmmm meat, ahhhhggghhhhh......" ummm, than Peyton.
Oh yeah they will go 14-2.

- Jacksonville
Jacksonville showed us what it was made of in last year's playoffs in a sloppy loss to New England. Now they didn't really go out and try to make themselves better in the offseason. In fact their top receiver Jimmy Smith is gone and they have lost backup running back Greg Jones for the season leaving the running game in the hands of injury prone Fred Taylor. Which means more than likely they could end up with Labrandon Toefield running the ball if Taylor goes down. Their defense will keep them in the thick of things, but if Leftwich has any sort of major injury sending him to the "Boobooman" the Jags are in trouble. But they'll be right in the playoff hunt. And don't forget to get ready for the season with your Jaguars tailgating kit, only available while supplies last!

- Houston
Well, things are looking up in Houston as they are trying to go from downright abysmal to slightly below average. But hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. Now the good news is that, David Carr may not be running for his life quite as much and will have more of a shot to prove himself. The bad news is, if he can't, Sage Rosenfelds will be ready if needed. More bad news: Curtis Duncan passed on the honorary coin flip for the home opener. Negotiations are ongoing with Alonzo Highsmith.

- Titans
Remember the Titans......who went to the Super Bowl?? Well that was seven years ago and it's been slowly rolling downhill since. I mean was anyone superpumped about the start of the Billy Volek era? But at least the Titans put their fans at ease, showing full confidence in Volek by signing everyone's favorite drunken, racist, no not Toastie, but non other than Kerry Collins, (editor's note: Toastie is not actually racist he just likes the drop back passer) less than two weeks before the start of the season. Vince Young's gotta be excited about the tutilage he will receive, right? I feel like they have, "We're not afraid to make a mistake" posters all over the front offices.

- Denver
The Broncos are the clear cut favorites in this division and you'll get no argument here. But if it weren't for some bad refereeing, New England would have knocked them out of the playoffs last year. Sorry, had to get it in, I'm done. Stupid pass interference call and the, ah, nothing. Anyways it seems that pretty much any running back can be moderately successful in Denver these days. Or should I say decent running back, sorry Ron Dayne. Denver WILL win the division, but I just can't see Jake "The Snake" leading a team to the Super Bowl, sweet, sweet beard aside. Look for them to go 12-4.

- Kansas City
Larry Johnson won't be enough for the Chefs (great googily moogily!), er the Chiefs to be a serious contender. Tony Gonzalez got into the end zone just twice last season and the next best recieving threat is Eddie Kennison. Eddie Kennison? He's still on a team? I really don't know what to make of the Chiefs. They could range anywhere from 7-9 to 10-6, so I like them at 9-7.

- San Diego
People feel that there will not be much of a decline from Drew Brees to Philip Rivers. I disagree. With Brees I think this team makes the playoffs. With Rivers I think they just miss, With Stan "The Man" Humphries they win it all. They still have L.T. (Ladanian Tomlinson not Lawrence Taylor) and that's not half bad at all. Also their defense can do some things, but I find them hard to read, and much like Kansas City they could be make the playoffs or finish under .500. Look for them to be in the hunt for that last playoff spot.

- Oakland
Hard to imagine someone actually CHOSE to have Aaron Brooks as their starting QB, but it happened. I think Al Davis lost a bet or something. But, BUT, just when you thought you couldn't laugh at the Raiders anymore, then, THEN, the Silver and Black went out and signed Jeff George, because apparently Jim Harbaugh had better things to do and Jeff Hostettler wouldn't return their calls. Then, of course, five days later they cut Jeff George. They run a tight ship in Oakland that's for sure. Where have you gone Jay Schroeder??

Well you know my picks for division winners, so here are your Wild Card teams (drum roll).....Pittsburgh and Miami.

The AFC Championship game be the Colts against the Bengals, with the Colts moving on to Miami!

Well there you have it, my look ahead to the 2006 AFC, stay tuned for my NFC preview, coming soon.

1 comment:

  1. Magnificent post, Willie Moe, but why did you only put the final records of SOME of the teams? Are the other teams so bad that they don't warrant a prediction?