DEAR ESPN,

What the "F" happened to you??!! I mean seriously. Your "product" been on a steady decline for years. I mean you are the worldwide leader in sports, ACT LIKE IT FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD!! You had the sports television market cornered, there was no where else to go for quality sports programming. Then comes FOX Sports networks, and you got all panicky, "Sweet grandmother's spatula, they have Tom Arnold, we'd better retool and reformat!" Yes as intimidating as Tom Arnold is, he was married to Roseanne after all, I think you would survive. But no, you decided it was time to reinvent yourself. The thing of it is FOX Sports was good for regional market coverage and people would still watch ESPN. I mean reformatting yourself is like commercials for milk. I mean who were those ads targeting, people unaware of the existence of milk? But I digress. You tweeked everything from Sportscenter to your overall programming, trying to tap into the latest fads every chance you got.

You just had to get into the reality TV craze, after I begged you not too! I mean your makeshift Amazing Race/ Road Rules type show, the name of which I have omitted from my memory, was painful to watch (I couldn't sit through one whole episode). "Dream Job" an American Idol for sports reporters/ anchors was a train wreck! The judges were, well, god awful, and no one wants to watch the guys who aren't good enough. I mean one of the judges was Kit from the very first Road Rules and of course ESPN2's Cold Pizza. I mean, honestly , is there something in the water in Bristol? Or is there a bunch of monkeys with typewriters running things? How 'bout Knight School, or following any team through the Life and whatnot. Do I honestly want to watch overpaid jocks and what they do everyday? No, I do not. And now you're as buddy, buddy with Barry Bonds as Bush is with Exxon!

Now take away the fact that he more than likely took steroids, he has the personality and prescence of a door. And not a fancy door, with a knocker and such, just a plain rectangle of wood with a knob, hooked to frame by some hinges. Bonds on Bonds, really. Was Bill Belichik not available? And seriously if I have to watch one more frickin Tim Kurkijan package on Bonds accomplishments I may throw something! Not to mention this crap about watching every Bonds at bat until he finally broke Ruth's record (for second place mind you)! Many don't care at all, because Bonds is an A-S-S! and everyone knows it. So, ESPN, why are you trying to make us like him? Why are you using 20 minutes of a Baseball Tonight (probably a 42 minute show after commercials) to show Bonds' postagme press conference, highlights from his past, what he ate for breakfast, the kid who caught the ball, etc. WE KNOW he has hit a lot of homeruns, but I tune in for proper analysis and highlights of baseball, not too sit and watch half a show on one player. How 'bout some balanced reporting? Bonds doesn't even play everyday, just lingering around to pass Ruth. It's something of pathetic how ESPN turns away from the whole steroid thing and persistently shoves Bonds greatness down our throats. This is not you ESPN! You are supposed to be my pure, wholesome locale for sports news, events and highlights. Ah yes, news and highlights.

Sportscenter was the place where I would look to get all my latest sports info. I would watch two, sometimes three or four of the exact same one, in a row! Now I can barely stomach one. I used to be able to name all the Sportscenter anchors, and now I only no the ones who are mentioned by name on an ESPN commercial (the commercials are still funny) or are mentioned on Deadspin. What has caused this change you ask? Well "Plays of the Week" are long gone, replaced by the Ultimate Highlight Reel (which in essence is the same thing, but sleeker and shinier for the hip-hop generation, yuck!). I miss the clever lead in by Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick, "On this week's edition of "Plays of the Week" you won't find Steve Trout, Kevin Bass or Catfish Hunter. Also not appearring: Jim Walewander, the Miami Dolphins or Steve Lake. And the the little Plays of the Week theme music, "PLAYS (organ) ... OF (organ) ... THEWEEK (ORGAN!!!). It was great! I always looked forward to the Sunday night Sportcenter, my friend Tim and I even watched it on a projector screen in his dorm room once. But that's another story for another time. I don't think they even do the Ultimate Highlight Reel anymore. The last time I watched it, Chris "You're with me Leather" Berman just showed his top ten plays. Not at once, mind you, but separated, so five were in the front half of the show and last five in the back half of the show. Don't even get me started on Berman, that's a whole nother blog for a whole nother time. But I will talk about the Sportscenter anchors.

The anchors these days from what I can tell are not very good. Some of there catchy calls, don't even make sense. I do enjoy Scott Van Pelt's Tenacious D references, but most of the others are just plain awful and boom goes the dyanmite! They just spout out random lines from poop culture at, what seems like, idavertent times. They're not very creative, except for maybe Neil Everett. Some of my old favorites:
"Put the biscuit in the basket."
"Gianluca Pagliuca, Gianluca Pagliuca"
"I'm not sure what the pitch was, but it tastes like chicken!"
"Behold the power of cheese!"
"Bring me the finest meats and cheeses..."
"It's deep and I don't think it's playable!"
"The WHIiiiffff."
"Nothing but the bottom of the net"
"The hardest thing to do, hit a baseball"
I could go on and on, but I won't, because there are a lot more points of bitterness to hit here.

Now what is the deal with the Budweiser Hot Seat??!! First off, BUDWEISER?! Seriously?! I gotta feel that someother beer could been sponsoring this! Perhaps Miller High Life, the champagne of beers?? And before I get any nasty comments about neglecting the finer beers in life like Genny Cream Ale, Pabst Blue Ribbon, etc., I will give in to the fact that the sponsor must at least be a well advertised beer, and as far as those go High Life is right up there. But think about the lead in..."and Jon Kitna, back in the High Life again, in the Miller Hot seat!" Huh? Huh? But in all honesty this segment should never exist. It's about as entertaining as 10 Yards with TB on the FOX NFL pregame show. I mean really? What is the point of this, am I supposed to be entertained?

Here's a novel idea gang, show sports! I mean actual sporting events! And have some alternate games at the ready. So when your Baseball game is a game I can watch in my market and gets blacked out, there's another game you can air and not just three hours of ESPN News! And perhaps you could save the Poker, Rodeos and Strongest Man competitions for like one or two in the morning where they belong! Well okay, maybe not Strongest Man, but you get my point. I mean it's Memorial Day and there are about ten afternoon games in Major League Baseball you could pick to show, but what would you rather put on your networks? Oh that's right I forgot the much anticipated Paintball Championships were today as well, so that'll be on for a good several hours on ESPN2 and it's the action packed college baseball selection show is on ESPN at 11:30am followed by the NCAA Men's Lacrosse Championship (that's okay, even though I'm not a big lacrosse fan at least it's sports!), then it's time for poker, Sportscenter, Baseball Tonight, Bonds on Bonds, and more Poker. Good work, I'll be glued to the tube all day! That's sarcasm, by the by. Please, ESPN, look down deep inside and find the old you, the one I knew and loved. In the words of former Sportscenter Anchor Craig Kilborn, "Come on. You're better than that."

YOUR BLOG OF BLOGS

Well May is sweeps month, so we here at Bitterness are looking to win the ratings war. You see Bitterness has Sitemeter, which I recommend for any young up and coming blogger. It allows you to not only count your "hits" but also allows you to see where they are coming from. By location, referral, entry page, etc. Now some I can figure out, but others are from strangers who searched for something on the internet and somehow landed here. For instance people have been directed here by searching for "Glen Davis homo", "Danny Cooksey", and "Shelden Williams Big Head Ken Griffey" just to name a few. So in somewhat of a sociological experiment. I have created a medley featuring some key words and phrases that I think are "hot" search items and will see just how many more hits I get. So awaaaaaay we go:

AMERICAN IDOL, season final
TAYLOR HICKS a croonin, the ladies all a swoonin
SOUL PATROL, SOUL PATROL, SOUL PATROL
KATHARINE MCPHEE, ohhooooooooh so sultry
SIMON COWELL, British scowl
PAULA ABDUL, drunk as a fool
RANDY JACKSON
We've got a hooooooooooooot one!
Hot as the HEAT under the PHEONIX SUN
Or from grinding PISTONS
MAV-ER-ICKS! MAV-ER-ICKS! MAAAVVVVVV-ER-IIIICCCCCCKS
Playoffs, playoffs, playoffs!
HURRICANES headed to BUFFALO downgraded to a tropical storm
Must be GLOBAL WARMING, just asssssssk GORE
SOUL PATROL!
OILERS watch for icebergs or we may see a slick MIGHTY DUCK
As EXXON sleeps with PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH
GAS PRICES soar, our PHONE LINES are tapped
But GEORGE W. LIAR is focused on WETBACKS
ILLEGAL IMMIIIIIIIIIGRANTS!
BONDS ties RUTH, ESPN was there
Cameras in his underwear
I don't care?
BONDS ON BONDS, PUJOLS, BONDS ON BONDS, PUJOLS
SOUL PATROL
Season finales fill the air
Cliffhangers leave us in despair
We bid adieu to WILL AND GRACE
THAT 70S SHOW can't save face
Will Gilligan and the others reeeemaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnnn LOST?
SOUL PATROL!
MI:3, DAVINCI CODE, both in theaters now, with X-MEN on it's way
MEMORIAL DAY!
NUDE, NUDE, NUDE CELEBRITIES
SEACREST OUT
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUL PATROL!

UNDER THE RADAR!

GIANTS INK LEAK TO 15-DAY CONTRACT

While fans in the Bay Area were ooohing and ahhing over Barry Bonds, they may have missed the biggest signing of all. The Giants signed minor league lifer Kelly Leak to a fifteen day contract. Leak was a budding prospect back in the early 80s, but never really panned out. Bouncing around the minors for what was closing in on thirty years. He took some time off from 2000-2004 to be with his wife of 22 years Amanda and their seven kids. Seen as a risk early on in his career, due to his reckless motorbiking, Leak has settled down and mellowed, but only a bit. At age 42, Leak's still maintains the long flowing hair he did as a child, luckily the style has made somewhat of a comeback. Leak tried out for the Ginats after losing a bet to the high school team he coaches. Well, Leak has got his shot and looks to make the best of his opportunity, but is not expecting too much. But for a little over a fortnight Leak will have his time in the sun. Good luck and godspeed to you Kelly Leak!

80S BASEBALL DOES IT AGAIN!

Whenever I've had a bad day, or just plainfeeling down, I turn to 80s baseball!! While these are no Rusty Kuntz, I'm sure they had their fair share of playground ribbing! I do regret to inform that my resources did not allow me to find an 80s picture of Kirt Manwaring? Foiled again!
For those not fluent in the language of love, LaCock is French for "the penis".

Is that of the Savannah Asselstines?
If that's not a gay porn name, I don't know what is?! Why is he smiling like that? Wait a tick, where are his hands???

KnowWhutIMean?

This weekend the DaVinci Code opened in millions of theaters worldwide. The movie is based on the best selling novel by Dan Brown, which tells of secrets or "codes" embedded in the works of Leonardo DaVinci that may uncover the location of the "Holy Grail". DaVinci of course was a famous Rennaisance artist, but he's probably better known as the namnesake for the ninja turtle who had the swords and wore the blue mask (see right). Which got us here at "Bitterness" thinking about what other famous works may hide secrets or "codes" embedded in them? Hmmmm?

So we'll start with one of the greatest artists of all time....Jim Varney and his best creation....Ernest P. Worrell. (Author's note: He did not actually create the character but elevated to levels no one ver imagined.)Now the name Ernest comes from the Germans and means serious or determined. While the name Worrell (yes spelled like the great 80s closer Todd Worrell and the current reliever Tim Worrell, but pronounced differently) is from English, meaning from the true man's manor. So his name literally means serious or determined from a true man's manor or does it??? What does the P. stand for?? There have been many theories as to Ernest's middle name, some wild, some cockamamie, some that were downright flim-flam. Of course we all know of the conspiracies theories that have surrounded the life and times of Ernest P. Worrell. The P. has been in the thick of it all.

After the release of Ernest Goes to Camp, there was widespread speculation that, due to Native American refernces in the film, the middle name was possibly derived from Native American culture. The first and foremost name that came up was the Hopi name Pahana which means lost white brother. So could his name mean "determined to be the lost white brother of the true man's manor"? Is the true man's manor Heaven? The Playboy mansion? or perhaps just a local Hooters? Or could the P stand for Pay, the Native American name for "He is Coming"? Was Ernest P. Worrell the "second coming" of the Lord? Did his lineage fall in line with Christ? Was he now ready to ascend to the "true man's manor" known as heaven? While his Native American routes were still undetermined, there certainly seemed to be some valid clues as to unlocking this mystery that has plagued generations. And then, a year after he went to camp, he saved Christmas.

Ernest Saves Christmas. In this classic follow-up to his touching movie debut, he, as the title indicates, is charged with saving Christmas. Of course Christmas is one the holiest days of the year in the church. Now the film masks Ernest's holy ties by offering up the commercial holiday and not the religious connotations. Now after this film, it was offered that maybe his middle name was biblical like Peter or Paul, but did nothing to dismiss the religious connotations that would surround Ernest, if ya knowwhudimean? And certainly Ernest's next adventure would only help to uncover the truth.

In the third Ernest movie, Ernest, through a series of whacky events ends up in jail, where he does not rightfully belong. He is on death row, and through a "miracle" is able to escape when he should have been dead. Sound familiar? Jesus was imprisoned, crucified and through a "miracle" arose again. Now this obvious parallel to the life of the son of God, may give us a hint to Ernest's middle name. The story of the "rock" being rolled away to reveal Jesus' empty tomb could be a hint that his middle name was in fact Peter. Peter was known as "the Rock" long before Dwayne Johnson used it. Could Ernest be the "Rock " of which to start anew, of which to build the new "true man's manor"? Alas after several more Ernest movies, being a Beverly Hillbilly, and voicing several cartoon characters, Jim Varney passed on, taking with him maybe the key to one of the biggest mysteries of our time. But perhaps, Ernest P. Worrell, is similar to Jesus H. Christ. The middle initial is just there for dramatic effect. But perhaps someday we will unearth the true secrets and codes that lie somewhere in the misadventures of Ernest P. Worrell, but for now we'll just sit and wonder or maybe we should go talk to Vern, who in himself may be a mystery even bigger than "Bitterness" itself!

HAPPY CINCO DE MAIO!!

....AND HAPPY 39TH BIRTHDAY TO CHARLES NAGY!

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY NEWEST BLOG READER; QUINN WILLIAMS CONROY, WHO WILL FROM THIS DAY BE KNOWN AS "Q"! SON OF MY GOOD FRIEND AND LOCAL OREGON NEWSMAN TIM CONROY,

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH 80s PITCHER TIM CONROY:

CONGRATS TO BOTH TIM CONROYS ON ALL THEY HAVE ACCOMPLISHED AND GODSPEED TO THEM!!

I'LL CANDY YOUR MALDONADO

Welcome to my 80s baseball cafe. Now on this menu, you will not find Jim Rice, Steve Trout, Kevin Bass, Candy Maldanado or Chili Davis. Some of theses are stretch, and if you don't like it I say to you, "BLAAAAAAAAAAAAH!", you try and create something!


STARTERS/SIDES:
The Jimmy Key-sadilla: A light flour tortilla, shredded chicken, colby and jack cheeses, peppers and onions. Also available with pulled pork or steak. Much like the former pitcher it's a solid starter that will get the job done.

Chris Speier Ribs: Some succulent spare ribs to get you meal started. These babies are absolutely smothered in our delicious Rick Honeycutt Barbecue sauce, and lip-smackin good!

The Rollie Chicken Fingers: Tender pieces of chicken with your choice of barbecue, honey mustard or ranch sauce for dipping. Kick it up a notch and make it buffalo style!

Oesters on the half shell- Get your meal started with this treasure of the sea. A plate full of oysters to suck down 1-2-3!

Eichhorn Bread: Delicious honey hush corn bread.

Odibeans and rice: What?! It's beans and rice, you need more explantion than that. (To your right)

Danny's Heep of`Nachos: Nachos piled high with refried beans, peppers, onions, shredded cheese, with salsa and sour cream!

SANDWICHES:
The Tuna Jeltz: American, Cheddar, Swiss or Provolone Cheese melted over fresh Tuna fish on your choice of white, wheat or rye bread. Named for the only player to homer from both sides of the plate in a single inning, this will tantalize your taste buds.

Balboni and Cheese: A double decker of thickly sliced German bologna with American cheese, topped with lettuce, tomato and onion and our homeade spicy, golden brown mustard on your choice of white, wheat, or potato bread.

The Winningham and Swiss: Honey baked ham, melted swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato all on toasted wheat bread with a bit of "Herb"s to give it some added pizazz that charcterized the former outfielder.

Hot Petralli Sandwich: Hot pastrami sandwich on Texas toast, topped with swiss cheese, saurkraut, our mystery dressing and a little bit of love!



BURGERS:
All Burgers served with Jeff Fryes
The Sundberger- This Texas style burger features onions, barbecue sauce, jack cheese and bacon. Like good 'ol Jim, you're gonna wanna protect your plate!

The Sandberger- A cheeseburger with mushrooms and onions, exuding class like only Ryno could.

The Bacon Cheese Baerga- Bacon, cheddar, lettuce, tomato on a sesame seed bun. This monster of a burger will make you wanna scream, WAHOOOOO!

The Kelly Gruberger- This is the Blue Jay burger, featuring Canadian Bacon and Blue Cheese. Quite the delicacy from across the border.

PASTAS:
All Pastas served with a slide salad and garlic bread.
Fettucinni Alfredo Griffin: A heeping helping of Fettuccini noodles doused in our creamy Alfredo sauce, blended with some grilled chicken. Like the 80s shortstop it doesn't have a lot of pop, but is very smooth.

Pasqua Primavera: Rotille pasta, blended with chopped broccoli, thinly sliced carrots, ripe tomatoes, onions and sliced meaty bell peppers. Seasoned with oregano, parsley and garlic this dish, like it's namesake is robust and delightful.

Righetti and Meatballs: Thin spaghetti, with thick and hearty tomato sauce topped with big thick meatballs. Like the southpaw it's named for this dish can really get the save....against hunger that is.

Buecheles and Cheese: Delicious pasta shells, stuffed with ricotta cheese, topped with mozzarella cheese and smothered in our thick and hearty tomato sauce. A pasta dish worthy of the hot corner once guarded by it's namesake.

ENTREES:
All entrees served with your choice of potato, salad or soup
Hrbek-Roasted Chicken: An oven-roasted chicken breast, seasoned to perfection with a handful of herbs and spices. A classy and spophisticated dish reminiscent of the former Twins firstbaseman.

Chet Lemon Chicken: A grilled chicken breast marinated in lemon juice and spices. A tantalizing dish, as breathtaking as the former Tigers outfielder himself.

Baby Backman Ribs: Mmmm. Ribs. Succulent baby back ribs, smeared in mouth-watering barbecue sauce, that practically fall off the bone! When these arrive you'll head for the plate, much like the steady second baseman they were named after.

Chicken Pecota: A full breast of grilled chicken topped with lemon juice, capers and a dash of paprika. Unlike it's namesake, this dish hits well above the mendoza line.

DESSERTS:
Pineapple Upside Downs Cake: A delightful dessert topped with real pineapple slices, marashino cherries and a topping made with brown sugar.

Brett Pudding- Old-fashioned bread pudding with raisins, sans the pine tar.

Apple Browne Jerry- A fine treat with apple, bread crumbs, and cinnamon. So delectable you'll wanna scarf it up faster than Jerry could dash from first to home.

Chocolate Tueffel Cake- Deliciously sinful, this chocolate masterpiece is rich and delish!

The Tanana Split- Go Bananas with this one folks! One banana + three scoops of ice cream+chocolate sauce+whipped cream+a cherry on top= Yummy!

Chocolate Bream Pie- A dessert worthy of the mustached first baseman, it's rich, smooth and chocolatey. Topped with whipped cream, mmmmm!

Quisenberry Pie- Fresh picked quisenberries baked into a pie, toppped with whipped cream to close it out!


Hope you enjoyed and look for our breakfast menu coming soon.....

HOWE 'BOUT THAT?!

Well, once agian, I had fallen into a blogless coma. There was, at least, a valid reason this time. You see, "Bitterness" has moved! Well, actually, I moved. Into a house, with my special lady friend and Billy. "Come and knock on our door....." Anyways, the internet usage went down like yo mama on prom night! But now "Bitterness" is coming back with a vengeance. And the first order of business is a little weird mojo emanating from one of my favorite blogs. You see the Electric City Blog is a fine place to find some little known facts about the EC, current news on 80s baseball stars among other things. Recently the ECB had a post about 80s baseball players that should run for office. A delightfully well-written blog that had you thinking it was gonna be about the NFL Draft when all of a sudden ECP throws the good ol #2 (that's a curveball for you non-baseball fans) and hits you with three 80s baseball players that should enter the realm of politics. But here's where the weird mojo comes in. The three players were Steve Howe, Rickey Henderson and Chris Sabo. Now this blog was posted on April 25th. On April 28th Steve Howe was killed in a car crash. Now I don't want to start any sort of conspiracy theories or anything, but that's a little eerie, don't ya think. Now, of course we all know these sort of things happen in threes. The ECB listed, not one, not two, but three players. Coincidence??? I'm just saying, Sabo, Rickey, be cautious, because there are things at work in the universe right now that are far beyond everyone! Well except perhaps Madame Cleo or Darren Daulton.



1958-2006