Saturday, September 14, 2013


Well, there's plenty of things to talk about from week one in the NFL. That is probably the most boring and cliche way to possibly start one of these posts.Sure, I wrote it and it it's not, not true, right? But, really after typing that, I realized, I could just start every NFL picks post with that same sentence, replacing the number. Are there going to be weeks when there is not a lot to talk about? Highly unlikely. So basically I just pointed out how lazy I am in starting this post. Two points for honesty, right? Now, this is not speaking, it is the written word, so rather than piling on with an explanation of how lazy and mundane my opening line was, I could have just deleted it and started anew. But, had I done that, you would have missed out on this delightful first paragraph. Now I am already concerned about how to start week three's post. In any event, there are plenty of things to talk about from week one.

There was that whole Kaepernick-Boldin thing in the Bay Area of California in that thrilling-ish Packers-Niners game. There was Peyton Manning throwing seven touchdown passes. There was Buffalo almost beating the Pats. There was the Jaguars scoring two total points early and somehow blowing that 2-0 lead (they really need to tighten up that bullpen). For those fantasy football playing folks, there was the notable absence of studly stats from the likes of CJ Spiller, Marshawn Lynch and Calvin Johnson to name a few. That's already a lot and there is plenty more. But the main thing I want to talk about from week one is Battle of the Year.

You read right, Battle of the Year. I saw a commercial for this "major" motion picture at some point during my viewing of many, many football games. Now this was not one of those commercials that was forced upon us during every waking commercial break or anything. In fact, I am not entirely sure it was on the same channel as an NFL game, but I am like 87% sure this commercial aired while football was happening somewhere. Anyways, back to the point. I saw a commercial for this "major" motion picture titled Battle of the Year. For those of you have not had the pleasure of seeing this commercial, let me catch you up.

Basically Battle of the Year is built in the mold of You Got Served and other dance team related films. From the quick blurb on IMDB:

"Battle of the Year attracts all the best teams from around the world, but the Americans haven't won in fifteen years. Dante enlists Blake to assemble a team of the best dancers and bring the Trophy back to America where it started."

So, right there you have all the makings of a great movie. Dance battlin', underdogs, and a sense of patriotism. I can say, almost for sure, there will be at least one "U-S-A" chant in the audience of the theater you view this in....assuming I am in said theater. To be fair, I get that chant started at most movie viewings, but we're getting off topic. I am not one who is a fan of dance battle films, or dancing in general, and I am not trying to sway you one way or the other on this one. There is only like a 2% chance I will actually ever see this movie. But the thing that caught my eye in the commercial for this "major" motion picture was not the silky smooth dance moves or the glitz and glamor of the competition as a whole. No, no, it was the quick glimpse I caught of Josh Holloway.

Yes the Josh Holloway. Most of you should know Josh Holloway better as the snarky (maybe not the best adjective, but it'll be sufficient) nickname issuing, con-man, Sawyer, from the hit ABC TV series LOST. If you have never watched LOST, you may want to just skip ahead to the picks below. Not because I am going to give away any spoilers or anything, but because this may not be relevant to the enjoyment of this post. Basically, Sawyer is the man.

Sawyer is possibly my favorite character from LOST (it's a very close race) and his character is just so darned manly! Holloway plays the aforementioned "Blake" in Battle of the Year, the man brought in to assemble the team that will bring the title back to the good ol' U.S. of A ("U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A"). Now, before the angry letters from all of my dance team members/coaches/ et al, that read "Bitterness" start pouring in, let me just say, that I am not saying (per se) that assembling, coaching dance battle teams is unmanly. I know it could be implied from the above, but that is not what I am getting at and is not the main reason why Sawyer's appearance in this movie disappoints me so.

Sawyer is an iconic character (in my mind) and not someone who would ever be remotely associated with the seedy underbelly of dance battlin'. Now, I know, it is just a character and Holloway certainly wants to show his range as a thespian but, and all do apologies to fans of the genre, I feel like a dance team movie is a big step down for Holloway. To me, dance battle movies are the equivalent of being sent down to the minors, for a somewhat established actor. Sure, Holloway's movie career is not chock full of high profile roles as is, but nevertheless, I don't think this will do to his career what Pulp Fiction did to John Travolta's. I am still pulling for you Josh, but I don't know about this one. Alright, how about some picks?

CHARGERS@ EAGLES (-7) Chip Kelly's offense looked high-flying and ready to go in week one....for at least a half. Hey Chip, may I call ya Chip? It's a marathon not a sprint. Well, baseball is more of a marathon. Okay, how about, "Hey Chip, may I call ya Chip? It's a 5K, not a sprint. Eagles 24-14

BROWNS @ RAVENS (-6.5) Jury is still out on this new fangled Ravens defense, but the good news is Brandon Weeden is not Peyton Manning. In fact, Brandon Weeden is not even the poor man's Peyton Manning. Ravens 21-9

TITANS @ TEXANS (-9) I have no idea how good or bad the Titans are but I feel like they could be feisty. While I say that and fully believe it, the Texans are much better. Plus JJ Watt was very serviceable as himself on FXX's (rant on that at some point this season, don't you worry) comedy The League, the past two weeks. What does that mean? Nothing really, but Watt will probably have the Locker combo, if you know what I mean. No? Oh, yeah that was not my best work, well see the Titan quarterback is Jake Locker and lockres often times have combination locks. JJ Watt is very good at defense, so he will "figure out" the combination to beating Locker. Yeah, it's a stretch, but, well, let's just move on.  Texans 23-16

DOLPHINS @ COLTS (-2.5) This rivalry from the olden days of the AFC East. The good old days where gas was like a $1 a gallon, you were rewinding your VHS cassette tapes without a care in the world. Ahhh, memories. Tough to say the Colts are good when they almost lost to the Raiders. The Raiders? Really? Raiders ran roughshod (surprisingly the first time this word has ever been used in this space) over the Colts. I don't know that the Dolphins will run on them that well, but this one should be tight.  Dolphins 13-12

PANTHERS @ WILLIAMS (+3) The Williams almost beat the Pats, and they are underdogs at home against Carolina? Now I will grant you, this is not the '07 Patriots they almost beat, but still...what has Carolina done for you lately? Bills 23-17

RAMS @ FALCONS (-6) Tough loss for the Falcons in week one, but that was against what is a pretty good Saints team (I think). I like the Rams enough, sure, but I just don't know about them in this one. Falcons 27-20

REDSKINS @ PACKERS (-7) Both teams are hungry for a victory after week one losses. Packers are at home and I am not sure if RG III is 100% yet. This feels like a trap game, but I am going with my gut, even though that has yet to actually work for me, well, ever. Packers 31-21

COWBOYS @ CHIEVES (-3) You know I really like the Chieves. I am not saying they're a playoff team, but I like their spunk and underdog ways. Alex Smith is probably going to throw for like 7000 yards (hyperbole alert!) this year. Now on the other end of this matchup, I generally loathe the Cowboys. That being said I think the Cowboys win, but it won't stop me from wearing my Elvis Grbac Chieves jersey on Sunday and pretending I am Elvis Grbac's cousin at random bars. Cowboys 26-21

 VIKINGS @ BEARS (-5.5) I am not sure I will ever be confident in Jay Cutler. Just saying. Bears 21-20

SAINTS @ BUCCANEERS (+3) The Buccaneers lost to the Jets. The Jets! Sure, it was aided by a dumb penalty by the Buccaneers, but 1) the Jets were still in the game and C) Tampa Bay committed the stupid penalty. Good news is the Bucs will not lose due to a stupid penalty this week. No, no they will lose due to the many, many points the Saints will score on them. Saints 31-13

LIONS@ CARDINALS (+1.5) My upset special, which almost assures a Lions blowout. Watch out for Andre Roberts this week, though! I mean, Roberts is not dangerous (that I know of) to you specifically, but he could have another big week. Yes, I drafted him on a fantasy team and had him on my bench last week and am trying to will him to a big fantasy wee, what of it?!. Cardinals 31-30

JAGUARS @ RAIDERS (-5.5) A lot of people marked this on their get the inside track on who will secure that number one draft pick come April. Bold prediction of the week: Jaguars offense scores their first points of the season! Raiders 15-6

BRONCOS @ GIANTS (+4.5) Man, I wish there was some sort of storyline I could talk up for this one. But alas, nothing is coming to mind. Broncos 31-21

49ERS @ SEAHAWKS (-3) An early battle between two teams in the upper echelon of the NFC West and well, the NFC in general, for that matter. The Seahawks beat Carolina 12-7. 12-7. That is not a typo, folks! Alright, you may say, "well, we don't know how good the Panthers are yet..." Fair point, I guess. But in a way, don't we know how good the Panthers are? Yeah, it just got deep.  49ers 24-21

STEELERS @ BENGALS (-7) All I am going to say is to heck with the Steelers! I went out and picked them last week in my survivor pool. For those unfamiliar with a survivor pool, this is where you pick a team each week to win their respective game. Once a team you pick loses, you are out of the pool. Thus, I am no longer in the pool. Now those rational people who like to you use reason and logic in their everyday lives (otherwise known as non-sports fans with a gambling problem) might say this is not in any way, shape or form, the fault of the Steelers. Well to those people, who I am sure read my blog by the tens, I would say, well, while that is fair, I would much rather go on using the Pittsburgh Steelers as a scapegoat for all of my poor life decisions, thank you very much. Bengals 17-9

Here's to football!


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