NFL DRAUGHT

Yes Bitternessians, it is once again that time of year! Yep, war rooms, "upside", flashy suits, booing New Yorkers and of course the best part, at least in my humble opinion, the Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NFL Draught! Please, please, hold your applause. This year we're gonna mix it up slightly, but not too much, because, well mostly because, we fear change. But we don't wanna give away the surprise. For those of you new to the "Draught", what the heck is the matter with you! I kid. But seriously? Anyway in the off chance that this is your first NFL Draught, here's how it works, we concoct a delicious NFL related tap list. Now you won't find a Tedy Bruschi or former lineman Sam Adams. No, no it's much better than all of that! In fact this year, wait for it, we're not even using players! What?! No players?! In the words of Ralph Wiggum, "That's unpossible." But, do not fret, it'll be okay. Just breathe, grab a brew, and enjoy!
BUFFALO PILS- Light. Crisp. Refreshing. Oh wait that's Diet Pepsi. This is a nice light brew, that's highly drinkable.

INDIANAPOLIS KOLSCH- A nice brew as golden as the plains of Indiana. As delicious as the Buffalo Pils, but with a tad more bite.

NEW ENGLAND PALE-TRIOT ALE- Light amber in color, with a nice balance of piney hops and caramel malt backing.
PHILADELPHIA EAG-ALE- This high-flying IPA will have you soaring from its 8.2% ABV. Fly Eag-ale, fly!

MINNESOTA HEFE-VIKING- A big bad Belgian with big bad citrusy aroma, that reels you in. You'll wanna pillage and plunder this one for sure!

ST. LOUIS RAMBER- An amber with some kick, you'll wanna grab this one by the horns!
CHICAGO BEAR-LEYWINE: As potent as a hit from Brian Ur-lager, this beverage will knock you on your Butkus!
WASHINGTON IRISH REDSKIN ALE- Creamy, red and delicious! This one'll put you in hog heaven!

TAMPA BAY BOCK-ANEER- This is a Bockstar! A nice dark reddish color, with incredible maltiness!

CLEVELAND BROWN ALE- A nice roasted malt flavor, helps give this brown ale its character. Dark and rich, with a nice smooth finish, this rocks as much as Cleveland.
OAKLAND-AGED RAIDER STOUT- Oak-aged to perfection, this one is as dark and robust as your average Raider fan, but slightly less scary!
MALTIMORE RAVEN STOUT- As hard hitting as the Ravens "D", this one is absolutely stoutstanding!

And for those who like to really keep it real we also have the San Francisco Forty-Ouncer, a glowing example of malt liquor!

So have fun and drink up!

ROUNDOFFS: AT LEAST BETTER THAN CARL PAVANO

It was yet another exciting opening week of Major League Baseball, unfortunately with some tragedy thrown in. Our thoughts and prayers are with Nick Adenhart and the other victims of that car crash and their families. Let's take a look at what else went on in baseball's opening week:

• Who flipped the AL East standings around? The Jays in first, followed by the Os, Yankees, Rays and Red Sox. Literally the exact opposite of my prediction for the season.
  
• Other division leaders: Mariners, Padres, Cardinals, Marlins and Braves?
  
• Text sent to my friend Matt after Carl Pavano's return, "So much for Carl Pavano's triumphant return." The response, "There's nothing triumphant about being Carl Pavano. It's not like being John Malkovich." So true.
• Our quote of the week though, comes from a Nats-Marlins game last week. Now because I was flipping through different games, I'm not sure which announcer was responsible for this, but nevertheless here it is, "Nick Johnson's mother is Larry Bowa's brother. So Larry is Nick Johnson's uncle." Well any way you slice it, Bowa would end up being Nick's uncle, but I guess we'll have to wait until another game to find out how Nick's mom, in fact, became Larry Bowa's brother.
• Albert Pujols: still pretty good at hitting.
• Remember in 2008 when Cliff Lee carried the Indians rotation? Well, Cleveland, it's not 2008 anymore.
• Evan Longoria may be for real. He may not finish with the 135 homers he's on pace to hit, but 30 seems very reasonable.
• Emilio Bonifacio sure can run, but amidst his week one heroics, many may not have noticed the Pirates Nyjer Morgan having a solid week of his own.
• I'm not sure if I'd say Josh Johnson outdueled Johan Santana on Sunday, since Santana had slightly better numbers, but he did win, and he is for real.
• After the Rangers pounded the Tribe on Opening Day, they looked like they could have a fightin' chance this year, but it didn't take long to remember the Rangers can't pitch (they surrendered 28 runs in the next three games).
  
• The more I look at the AL Central, the more I think the Royals have a legitimate shot at making the Playoffs.
• For those that doubt my fanatsy strategy of not drafting "aces" early, peep these numbers: Tim Lincecum (0-1, 7.56 ERA), CC Sabathia (1-1, 4.50), Jon Lester (0-1, 9.00), Roy Oswalt (0-2, 6.23). Sure its early, but wouldn't you rather have a bunch of sluggers? Odds of all of your bats slumping at the same time, not as great.
  
• Meanwhile, some pitchers you could've snagged in the 7th round or later, after loading up with sluggers, in most fantasy leagues: Josh Johnson (2-0, 0.57), Aaron Harang (1-1, 0.64), Chris Volstad (1-0, 1.80), John Danks (0-0, 0.00), Paul Maholm (1-0, 1.32) and Zack Grienke (2-0, 0.00).
• One team that has lived up to expectations thus far is the Nationals. They are very much as bad as everyone thought. John Lannan is their ace, for pete's sake! George Dubya Bush looked pretty good throwing out the first pitch last season, maybe they could use him as a middle reliever, he's got some free time.
  
• Your buy low fantasy pick up of the week this week is of course Nyjer Morgan, cause chances are Emilio Bonifacio went faster than a tray of cheeseburgers at fat camp! Now Nyjer is not gonna give you power, but he should get on and run around quite a bit!
  
• Jason Motte is making me look stupid, which I think you all know is, extremely hard to do.
• The Nationals may be the "sexy" losers, but the Astros are no slouches themselves. Well, why sell them short, they're tremendous slouches.
• For those who don't hold much stock in the year-after-effect for pitchers who throw more than 30 innings over their previous season highs, take a look at this list of the pitchers who had the biggest increases last year: Lester, Hamels, Billingsley, and Lincecum. Just some food for thought.
• This week's series of the week, is this weekend's Cubs-Cardinals series. Already a bitter and storied rivalry, the fact that the two teams head into the week atop the NL Central should only add fuel to the fire.
  
• I guess I was wrong when I said the Yankees did not fix their bullpen needs with their offseason spending spree. Nick Swisher looked pretty solid in his first, and hopefully not last, relief outing of the season.
  
• Most underrated 1-2-3 of a rotation? Meche, Greinke, and Davies. Unfortunately, the Royals 4-5 starters are Sir Sidney Ponson and Horacio Ramirez.
  
• The Indians must be glad they Shin-Soo Chose, Shin-Soo Choo. He's not as flashy as former Indian Taka Tanaka, but he'll get the job done.
• Your "Bitterness" Baseball Beer of the Week for Week 2 is Brooklyn Pennant Ale '55 in honor of both New York teams opening up their new parks.

Well, that wraps up another edition of Roundoffs. Hope you enjoyed and here's to a great week of baseball.

10 THINGS YANKEES FANS LEARNED ON OPENING DAY

1. CC needs that extra deep dish pizza before each start. Don't try and control him Yankees, his diet is time tested.
2. Mark Texiera cannot walk on water. In fact he may not even be able to float in water.
3. Nor can he turn aforementioned water into wine.
4. Despite what you may think, CC does not like cold weather.
5. The camera does not add 120 pounds, CC is, in fact, that big.
6. CC cannot sing REM's, "It's the End of the World as we Know It" perfectly, during karaoke.
7. CC will not dominate every time out.
   
8. The Orioles hitters aren't that bad.
   
9. Signing Texiera, Sabathia and Burnett did not fix the bullpen.
10. The Orioles magic number is 161.
    

ROUNDOFFS: HGH FREE BASEBALL PREVIEW

• Okay, can everyone stop asking who this year's Rays will be, as if what they did last year, is common occurrence? No perennial last place teams will make the World Series this year. But the team with the best shot is probably the Royals, who could make the playoffs. Their division is probably the most wide open, and they have mad key, albeit unsexy, improvements. But, having said that, I think a lot of people are calling this and ready to jump on the Royal bandwagon, which usually means it won't happen.
• As for the Rays, they were not a fluke!
• And this year's Rays can't be last year's Rays, its scientifically impossible.
• For what the Yankees spent in the off-season, you'd think they'd have less holes. That outfield is intimidating though with Brett Gardner, Xavier Nady and Johnny Damon. Look out!
• Though, Giambi did leave a big thong to fill.
• Kinda wish Phil Coke and Rocky Cherry pitched out of the same bullpen, for nice 1-2 punch of Cherry-Coke.
• I don't buy into David Price. There, I said it! To be quite honest it looked he was given a large strike zone in the playoffs, which won't continue.
• Here are some names you should look out for this season: Scott Lewis and Josh “Don't call me Richard” Geer.
• I love Jon Lester and his story, but look for him to hit the DL at least once this year.
• I mean, why did Terry Francona all of sudden turn into Dusty Baker? He just let Lester pitch and pitch.
• I don't know what the Giants financials look like, but I think Manny would've been a good investment for them. Not that Bengie Molina and Fred Lewis aren't a formidable 3-4 or anything.
• Where have you gone Hideki Irabu?
• Another team on the rise? How about the Reds? They could very well win their division. If Aaron Harang returns to form, Bronson Arroyo has a solid year, Edison Volquez builds on last year, Johnny Cueto lives up to the hype, and the Cubs flop, which let's face it could happen. They are after all, the Cubs.
• I don't find Ryan Braun all that attractive. Now Tim Lincecum on the other hand.....
• Terry Francona is overrated.
• You heard it here first, Russel Branyan will quite possibly have a career year!
• I haven't jumped on the Jacoby Ellsbury bandwagon just yet.
• As for Pedro Alvarez, well that's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother time.
• The Orioles could score quite a few runs this year. Only problem is, they don't have any way of preventing other teams from doing the same.
• Calling Kerry Wood a step up from Joe Borowski is like saying Ford is a step up from Chevy.
• For you fantasy baseball folks in deep leagues, pick up Mike Fontenot or Jed Lowrie if you want to win. Don't expect Chase Utley-like numbers, but don't expect Rickie Weaks numbers either. Fontenot can rake, and hit, plus he's in a potent lineup. Lowrie's not gonna hit 3 hunny, but he should get at least 75-80 RBIs, which is money for a late round SS in deep mixed or AL-only leagues.
• Looking for relief, watch out for Steven Shell. He will be the Nats closer, by season's end.
• Before you moan and groan at another celebrity trying his hand at baseball, that's Eric Stults on the Dodgers roster, not Mask (not to be confused with The Mask) star Eric Stoltz.
• The Marlins won't make the playoffs, but should be very, very pesky. I think this Hanley Ramirez fella, might be pretty good. Plus they may have the best starting rotation in the bigs. Sorry Texas.
• Stat you may not know: Gil Meche was in the top 5 in strikeouts last year, after the All-Star Break.
• Not really sure why everyone was so shocked that USA lost in the WBC? I mean, the Far East has been producing better quality products for quite some time. I didn't see any of the games as my American made VCR broke while recording.
• Now, of course when decent players retire, we inevitably get barraged with the old Hall of Fame debate. And most cases can be argued either way, but I feel that while stats are important, they shouldn't be the only factor. So I'm gonna say it, “Put him in! Corey Koskie deserves it!”
• This year's division winners will be: Red Sox, Twins (they're pitching is as solid as it gets), Angels (best in the AL West doesn't necessarily mean much), Phillies (um, they added Raul Ibanez, those lucky ducks), Reds (had to shake things up somewhere) and the Diamondbacks (they can pitch past the Dodgers).
• Wild Cards: Rays and Cubs
• MVPs: Ryan Braun and Carlos Quentin
• ROYs: Matt Wieters (call it a sleeper pick) and Jason Motte
• Cy Youngs: Josh Beckett and Johan Santana
• Comeback Players of the Year: Khalil Greene and Carl Pavano (all he's got do is hit like .245 and the award is his).
• This year's Ryan Ludwick: Russell Branyan
• K-Rod will not even reach 50 saves.
  
• This year's Cliff Lee: Javier Vasquez
• Batting Champs: Jimmy Rollins and Kevin Youkilis (Howie Kendrick if he stays healthy)
• Home Run Champs: Carlos Quentin and Ryan Howard
  
• This year's David Price: Daniel Bard?
• Its Sox over the Cubs in 6.
  

WHAT'S IN A NICKNAME?

Time to breakdown the NCAA Tournament, in a way only I can, by team nicknames of course. Now I could waste your time analyzing Ty Lawson's toe (just one thought on the toe: why is it such a big deal for him to miss the 1^st Round game anyway? I mean why not just rest him? I know the Tar Heels aren't as good without him, but is anyone now picking Radford to advance? Well?) or UCONN's #1 seeding, yada, yada, yada, but that's nothing you haven't read about furiously over the last three days or so. So, we're going in a slightly different direction, Bon appetite!

In the field of 65, 34 schools have animal nicknames, while 21 have human nicknames

Nine teams have feline nicknames, seven have aviary or bird nicknames, and five have dog nicknames.

The most popular nickname in this year's tourney? That would be Eagles and Tigers with four.

There are three Bulldog squads and two each of Panther, Wildcat, Husky, Golden Bear, Aggie and Viking.

But, there can only be one Highlander squad and that would be Radford.

Unfortunately Cincinnati is not in the field of 65, so there will be only one team of Bearcats. That of course being Binghamton.

And no Bucknell, means North Dakota State will be the only Bison roaming the fields of 65.

Out West.....

It'll be a dog fight in Portland when the Huskies of Washington grapple with the Mississippi State Bulldogs.

If the top four seeds in the West advance to the Sweet Sixteen, we'll be treated to Huskies (UCONN) vs. Huskies (Washington) and Tigers (Missouri) vs Tigers (Memphis). Bet that had something to do with the committee's seeding.

Best team name in the region? Cal St.-Northridge Matadors. Unfortunately neither Buffalo nor South Florida made the tourney, preventing the Bull vs. Matador matchup from happening. The Matadors are probably in for an early exit, as Tigers can accelerate a bit faster than Bulls.

Meanwhile on the other coast....

The Volunteers will fight with the Cowboys', probably over land or something, when Oklahoma State squares off with Tennessee.

While the Musketeers of Xavier will try and fens off the raid of the Portland State Vikings.

The Buccaneers of East Tennessee State will lock up with the Pittsburgh Panthers and a good old-fashioned NFC South battle, plus...

The winner of that game could end up meeting the Cowboys in the second round, and if some huge upsets occur, the Vikings in the Sweet Sixteen and either the Rams or Eagles in the Elite Eight!

Now the Rams and Eagles could be headed for a second round skirmish, if American and Virginia Commonwealth can both pull off first round upsets. Not likely, but you never know, that's why its called March Madness and not March Everything Goes According to Plan.

Yes, an American University athlete is an American Eagle, just like the clothing store.

And of course the matchup, we'd love to see in nature, Gophers vs. Badgers.

And then there's the outside chance of a Cowboys-Indians (Seminole to be precise) if Oklahoma State and Florida State make it to the Sweet 16.

Southern comfort....

While it is far from likely, if 7^th seeded Clemson and 8^th seeded LSU get to the Elite 8, we would have some Tiger on Tiger action, plus if things get really crazy they could possibly meet a Tiger team (Memphis or Mizzouu) in the Championship game.

Of course the best 1^st round matchup is the Zips vs. Zags, which will be the first ever tournament game between two teams with three letter nicknames starting with “z”. Now I know, Gonzaga is actually the Bulldogs, but they have unis with “Zags” on them, which is good enough for me. Having said that....

If Gonzaga advances to the Sweet Sixteen, there's a small possibility they could meet Butler for a Bulldogfight.

Favorite nickname: Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks

Midwest

Biggest first round game of name interest is Kansas versus North Dakota State. “Why”, you may ask? Well not only does Kansas hold the NCAA record for being upset by teams with “B” nicknames. The Bradley Braves and Bucknell Bison being the most recent, but they have not beaten a Bison team this century in the tournament! Yes North Dakota State is, in fact, the Bison. A Kansas loss would, quite possibly give them the record for most 1^st round losses to Bison in the NCAA Tournament.

The 2^nd Round could feature the Spartans going at it with the Trojans. Talk about Greek style!

A possible Sweet Sixteen matchup could feature the Demonic Deacons of Wake Forest versus the Saints of Siena, in a battle of good versus evil.

There could be a Regional Final for the birds, as the Cardinals of Louisville could meet either the Eagles of Boston College or the Jayhawks of Kansas.

Other nuggets:

The last time two teams with the same nickname meant in the final would be 1997, when the Arizona Wildcats defeated the Kentucky Wildcats.

Odds of that happening this year: Not good.

The Eagles are seeded 6, 7, 13 and 16

The Tigers are seeded 1, 3, 7, and 8 and the one and three seeds are in the same region.

The Bulldogs are seeded 4, 9 and 13.

Both Viking teams are seeded 13^th, which could mean something.

The Bears are 6, 7 and 15.

Wildcats are 3 and 12.

Aggies are 9 and 11, and if that weren't enough og a long shot, they are in the same region!

Same for the Huskies, seeded 1 and 4 in the same region.

And the Panthers are 1 and 12 seeds.

So there ya have it, enjoy the games!

FANTASYLAND

With baseball season being almost upon us, it of course also means, fantasy baseball season is also almost upon us. And many of you fanatics are probably poring through stat after stat, fantasy magazine after fantasy magazine, looking to find a certain edge. But, you see, I am sort of, what they call a fantasy baseball guru, and a good sportsman, so here today I am going to offer fantasy advice for those of you, who are playing against me in fantasy baseball, and only those playing against me in fantasy baseball. If you are not going to be in a league with me (well, few are in my league, really), than you may read on if you will, but this advice is meant only to help my opponents, so just know that. Anyway, away we go with fantasy baseball advice for my fantasy baseball opponents:

• Get closers and catchers early. Most people will tell you not to, so you can get a jump on the competition. Premium closers and relievers are scarce, get 'em while you can, so you don't end up with the next Greg Olson or Gregg Olson.
  
• Homers are facist! Get some guys that steal bases early. Like a Willy Taveras.
  
• Age over beauty. Much like in actual baseball, you're gonna want plenty of veteran leadership on your fantasy squad. Young guys are unproven, try and grab guys over 35 years old. The older the better. Randy Johnson, Scot Rolen, Tim Wakefield, Jamie Moyer, Moises Alou, the list of elder stars could go on for minutes.
• If you really do want youth, really go for youth. 22 and under. So really stay away from those players in the 23-35 range as much as possible.
• Stay away from guys whose names end in "ez", There's no telling how old they really are, and that spells trouble.
• Stay away from guys who have been injury free. All that staying off the DL in the past means is that they are due for a major injury. You know, your Lance Berkmans, Roy Halladays, CC Sabathias, and Miguel Cabreras.
  
• The reverse is true as well. Pick guys who are often injured. They are due to make it through a season safe and sound. Its the law of averages, it just makes sense. Think Hank Blalock, Howie Kendrick, Troy Glaus
  
• The same can be said for the "big" stat guys. Guys who continually put up "big" numbers are due for a drop. I think it was Dick Van Patten who said, "What goes up must come down." So avoid big names like Pujols, Wright, and Beltran. And....
  
• Those who have faired poorly for a number of years are due to break out. On draft day, look for guys like Bobby Crosby, Nate Robertson, Kenji Johjima, and Richie Sexson.
  

So there are just a few draft day tips for my fantasy opponents. Hope this helps and good luck out there.

SOUPER BOWL III

Hey howdy, loyal readers, it is once again that time of year! Time two once again fuse together to of America's favorite pastimes, football and food! Bon appetite!

APPETIZERS:
STONEY CASE-ADILLA: Flour tortillas, three cheese, onions, peppers, and your choice of steak or chicken. Served with sour cream and salsa.

LOFA-JITA TATUPU: As sizzlin' as a hit by its namesake. Spicy peppers, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, and choice of steak or chicken, all wrapped up in a flour tortilla, served with salsa and sour cream.

TA-KOs SIMPSON: Our hard shell flour tortillas, ground beef, chicken or steak, topped with onions, peppers of all colors, and shredded Mexican cheese.

HENRY MOZZAR-ELLARD STIX: What's better than a highlight reel of great Henry Ellard catches? Pretty much nothing except fried cheese.

FIRST AND TENDERS: Golden chicken tenders, served with your choice of honey mustard or barbecue sauce.

BUFFALO NGUYENS: Deep fried chicken wings, bathed in your choice of mild, medium, lukewarm, barbecue, garlic, lemon pepper, hot, spicy, inferno, lava, or Hell sauce.

PAUP-CORN SHRIMP: Shrimp, dipped in our delicious batter for your pleasure!

CHAD NACHOS-CINCO: Nachos piled high with 85 different toppings including monterey jack cheese, tomatoes, peppers, onions, cheddar cheese, nacho cheese, ground beef, taco sauce, pizza, and much,much more!

SPINACH AND CORYATT-ICHOKE DIP: Our delicious dip served in a bread bowl and breadsticks for dipping.

SOUPS:
ZORN CHOWDER: Chunky delicious corn chowder in a bowl or a cup.

CHANNING CLAM CROWDER: Chunks of clams, potatoes, and other things from the sea, served in your choice of bowl or cup.

CHI-LEE EVANS: Beef, peppers, beans, topped with shredded cheese, served smoking hot!

CHARLES MANN-ISTRONE: The manliest minestrone ever served! EVER!


SANDWICHES, ETC.:
All sandwiches and such are served with choice of John "french" Friesz or potato chips, and a pickle.

RUE-BEN COATES: A big ol' pile of corned beef topped with saurkraut and swiss cheese and Russian dressing, served on our toasted Dre' Rye bread.

STEVE MONTECHRISTIE: This is a sandwich the won't sail wide of the goalposts! Toasted ham and cheese, then dipped in sweet French batter.

BLTee MARTIN: Bacon, lettuce and tomato with mayonnaise, on your choice of Danny White or Tyrone Wheat-ley toast.

RODNEY PEETE-A POCKET: Chicken, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise, stuffed into a pita pocket.

PHILLY CHEESE ST-AKERS: Unlike the actual kicker, this is a big hero! We kid, we kid. White sub roll, stuffed with greasy shaved steak, peppers and onions and topped with your choice of cheese spread or provolone.

PASTAS:
PASTA PRIMA-VERBA: As burly, boisterous and filling as the former o-lineman, this is sure to block your hunger for sure.

AMP RAVIO-LEE: Traditional raviolis filled with ricotta and beef.


CHICKEN:
CHICKEN MAR-SALEAMUA: White chicken filets, mixed with a Todd Heap-ing helping of mushrooms, braised in Marsala wine sauce.

CHICKEN CATCH-A-TORY HOLT: This one is certainly a catch! Braised chicken, tossed with mushrooms, tomatoes, onions, herbs and bell peppers.

STEVE OVEN ROASTED CHICKEN BREASTON: Nice, oven roasted chicken breast, just like mom used to make.

MARION BARBERCUE CHICKEN: As rough and tumble as the Cowboy running back! Succulent chicken breasts, smothered in our sweet and sassy barbercue sauce.

JON JURKOVIC CHICKEN: As spicy and hot as the former lineman, this is sure to please, just make sure you have plenty of water available.

THE JOEY PORTERHOUSE: One of the biggest and baddest cuts out there.Thick and juicy, just like the out spoken linebacker.

KNUTE YORK STRIP STEAK: The good old-fashioned strip of steak, cooked to your liking.

KEITH RIBYARS: An incredibly tender cut of meat, that doesn't look like much, but sure gets the job done!

STEVE "T-" BONO: The coup de gras! If you want steak, this is the way to go.

DESSERTS:
TROY CHOCOLATE CAKE-MAN: A tall triple layered piece of rich, rich chocolate cake.

WARREN SAPP-LE CRISP: Warm baked apple goodness, topped with vanilla ice cream, and wipped topping.

Oh and since you're probably wondering, I'm picking the Steelers 27-17. Don't worry I'm rooting for the Cards, but I figure I've picked against them throughout the playoffs, and they keep winning, so this seems to be the best way. Here we go Cardinals, here we go!

YIPPEE-KI-YAY MR FLACCO!

EAGLES @ CARDINALS: Talk about a Conference Championship for the birds! Hahaha. Well now that that's out of the way, on to bigger and better ballyhoo. If anyone said they thought the NFC would comedown to these two teams, than they are a filthy, dirty, no good liar. No one thought it at the beginning of the season. No one thought it half way through the season. No one thought in the last few weeks of the season. No one thought it when the playoffs started. No one thought it even, EVEN, before last weekend. Some people probably still don't think its happening. Some little poindexter might stroll up to you and say otherwise, but rest assured they are a liar. The first clue may be that their pants are on fire.

Now the Eagles are the more playoff seasoned, hard-nosed, dare I say grizzled, team in this affair. Whereas the Cardinals, are well the Cardinals. Right now I would say there are basically two schools of thought on this game. 1) The Cards will win or B) the Cards will lose. Scenario one has people drawing upon the Cards dismantling of the Cards and having a stout defense, stopping two of the best running teams in the league en route to the NFC Championship game. But where has this come from? This hasn't been a defense that has been known to make things happen,which brings us to scenario B. You see as nice a story as the Cards run is, I think, as do many I'm sure, that they are on borrowed time. In other words all goods things must come to an end, but who is to say that won't happen two weeks from now? Me that's who! Well, I mean I don't have any real power or say in the matter,or do I? I don't. But I feel like the clock is striking midnight on this magical Cardinals run. It just pheels like after the Phillies won, things are turning around in Philadelphia. I can't really say I'd be disappointed with either outcome in this one. But I'm gonna go with the Eagles 28-24.
RAVENS @ STEELERS: Alright, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, can we just ease up on the Joe Flacco praise? Don't get me wrong, I like Joe Flacco. I mean, what's not to like? Awesome name, former Blue Hen, etcetera, etcetera. But can we just stop making him out to be the next Stan Humphries! Or some other great QB? I mean he's not exactly putting up blazing numbers or anything. Let's be honest if he didn't have a world class defense at his disposal, would he have gotten this far? Hmmm? Now managing the game is a big part of being a quarterback, but lets not go fitting him for a gold jacket or getting his bust ready for Canton, alright? That's all I'm saying. But onto the game.

This one promises to be a good ol' fashioned, knockdown, drag 'em out, kick ya in the crotch, slobberknocking, put grandma to bed, pass the spicy mustard, crank up the AC/DC, lock up the good china, dog fight! Lewis and Suggs, Farrior and Harrison. Much like the NFC Championship game, I don't really care who wins this one. But unlike the NFC Championship game, rather than being able to be happy with the outcome either way, I will be unhappy with the outcome of this one either, having a general dislike for both teams. While they say its hard to beat a team three times in one season, it has been done. So I don't hold much stock in that, but there is also the fact the Steelers have struggled at home in the Playoffs. In fact the last Super Bowl they went to they did it by winning three road playoff games. As intimidating as the "Ketchup packet" is supposed to be, the Steelers have managed to not have great playoff success there. Interesting? I think so. The Ravens are like the little Steelers. Almost a mirror image, but with slightly less talent. I gotta tell ya I think young Mr.Flacco and the Ravens "D" will keep them in the game, but in the end the Steelers will prevail. Steelers 17-13.

Either way should be a good day of football, enjoy!

"S" MY "D" BCS!

I don't generally watch college football, and part of that is due to the BCS system. Although Will Forte does make a compelling argument.

DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS TOO

Little bit of a time crunch today, but here ya have it:

EAGLES @ GIANTS: Eli's arm gets broken in the second quarter, the road team wins again, Green Man dances the night away! Eagles 27-21. If Eli's arm stays in one piece, um Eagles 23-21.

CHARGERS @ STEELERS: Are the Chargers back to what everyone expected? I dunno, I'm asking you all! Steelers defense is a little tougher than the Colts'. James Harrson stuffs darren Sproles in a trash barrel in pregame, and incurs a penalty. LT watches on from his rocking chair, helplessly, whittlin' away, with a nice afghan draped over him. Steelers 17-13.

DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS: PART ONE

RAVENS @ TITANS: The Titans hardly dominated down the stretch, while the Ravens hardly dominated at any point, in my mind. Well sure, they handled the Dolphins alright, but c'mon. The Dolphins?! If the Pats had Brady, the Bills had Jim Kelly, and the Jets had Chad Pennington, there's no WAY the Dolphins would have even made the Playoffs. I mean its the transitive property of who have they played? Here's the Dolphins last half of the season: wins against Seattle, Oakland, St.Louis, Buffalo, San Francisco, Kansas City, and the New York Jets. Wow, how did they ever navigate their way through that gauntlet of awesome? I dunno where I was going with that. I think the Titanic "D" should pester Joe Flacco "Seagulls" (nickname courtesy of my friend Billyball)all night long and they will win.








Titans 17-13.

CARDINALS @ PANTHERS: Alright, so I was way off in predicting the Cards Wild Card game, but I guess that's why they call it a "wild card". The Cards showed moxie in the franchise's first playoff game in like six decades, but now they are headed to one of the Carolinas, where the Panthers have been practically unstoppable. The Panthers should send the Cards Delhomme for the season.






Panthers 27-20.

WILD CARD WEEKEND PART TOO

RAVENS @ DOLPHINS: In a perfect world there would be no winners in this game, but unfortunately, there are no ties in the Playoffs. Got that Donovan? Now this has the potential to be a good game, which is all well and good. But I'm more interested in the pregame warmups. You read correctly. Joey Porter on one side with Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs on the other side. C'mon! If I'm NFL Films I am getting microphones on them two days ago! But, I guess they will also actually play a football game, and despite my repeated emails to Roger Goodell, there will be a winner, so, ummmm, Ravens 23-21.

EAGLES @ VIKINGS: Both teams seem to be playing their best ball when it counts. This one will either be close or an Eagles blowout. I'm leaning more towards the former, I think. Is the "former" the first thing in the sentence? I never remember that. Well, I think it will be close is what I'm trying to get across. But I think the effort of one individual could tip the scales in the Eagles direction. No, not Donovan McNabb. Not DeSean Jackson or Brian Westbrook either. No, the difference maker on Wild Card Sunday will be none other than............ Green Man
Eagles 17-12.

WILD CARD WEEKEND: PART ONE

Yes folks its time for football's second season! Wild Card Weekend is here! Everything that has occurred over the last seventeen weeks or so is now virtually meaningless. I said virtually. Anyway, on to the picks:

FALCONS @ CARDINALS: This one should be a shootout in the desert. The Cardinals earned a home game by winning the NFC West. As we've mentioned before winning the NFC West is kinda like being the skinniest kid at fat camp, the smartest Congressman, the tallest midget, or the healthiest Burger King menu item. I'm pretty sure the Lions would not have been winless if they played in that division. There I said it! In other words the Cardinals have proven the least of all the division winners, while the Falcons were just one game shy of getting a first round bye. Hmmm, Matty Ice versus the Methuselah of quarterbacks. Let me think. Falcons 31-21.

COLTS @ CHARGERS: The Chargers are the home team with the best chance of winning this weekend, while the Colts have Peyton Manning. This is a battle between two teams who were more or less written off as dead teams walking back in like Week 6. The Chargers surged to win the scrappy AFC West with a whopping 8-8 record. I mean how did they win four straight to get here? Well, they beat the Chiefs, Bengals, Buccaneers and Broncos. Only one of those teams was over .500, and that was Tampa Bay, but they lost their last four games including one to the Raiders, so that's not much to shake a stick at. Okay, okay, the Broncos were over .500 when they played them, but they lost their last three games and four of their last six. In fact against teams with above .500 records this year, the Chargers were a whopping, wait for it, 4-7. But....

before you all go jumping to pick the Colts in this one, lets take a look at that nine straight they won to turn their season around. It started with the Patriots and Steelers, in close games, those we'll count as "good" wins, but the next 7? Texans, Chargers, Browns, Bengals, Lions, Jaguars, Titans. The only team in there that actually gave a crap was probably the Chargers. And beating the Browns by 4, the Lions by 10, the Texans by 6, Jaguars by 7 and the lame duck Chargers by 3 is hardly awe inspiring, Now, I realize that the first couple of Patriot Super Bowl teams did the same thing, playing down to there opponents and winning every game close, but having not played a game that mattered in like 7 weeks could effect the Colts. Plus the Colts have had their troubles with the Chargers in the postseason. So what does this all mean? Well, I think its fairly obvious. Colts 27-23.

WEEK SEVENTEEN: A CLOCKWORK KITNA

Well here it is the final week of the NFL regular season and there are still many questions to be answered. Will the Lions remain perfectly futile? Did Rod Marinelli fire his team up by showing them Necessary Roughness last night? Who will secure those precious last few playoff spots? Where is the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Team"? Will Plaxico Burress be arrested again before the year ends? If the Jets and Pats win, will Eric Mangini be invited to the Belichik compound for Ostrichburgers? Who shot Kennedy? Are the Giants good this week? Of those who don't need wins this week, how many will play their starters? Where's the beef? What are the 23 flavors involved in the make-up of Dr. Pepper? And how many flavors are used to make Mr. Pibb? And aside from a medical degree, what is the difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb? Is Tom Brady engaged? Do you care? When will Breckin Meyer be recognized by the Academy? Not for an award, I mean when will they actually recognize him? Like on the street or something. Who will win the 138th Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Shirtless Gutenburg Awards? Does anyone care what this guy thinks? Is this the best beer blog going? Was that a shameless plug? Maybe you should ask this guy? Or how about this guy? Well, while that is a lot to tackle, I'm pretty sure Week 17 in the NFL should answer just about all of those questions and the some. But before we get to the picks, we have to address a couple of things for our loyal readers. Yes, all seven of them.

First off y'all are probably wondering why I would dis Lil Baby Jesus ( not to be confused with Big Baby Jesus of course) by not posting the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Football Team". It was mostly a time crunch thing, coupled with the fact that we were away from "Bitterness" HQ for a couple of days. So how are we gonna rectify this injustice? Well, we'll throw it in right here, after we tackle another concern that has haunted us these past few days. We made a big omission from the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch All-Hannukah Team Presented by Boku and Richard Lewis" and we need to rectify that situation shortly, right after we make you aware that we have just set a new "Bitterness" record for number of times using the word "rectify" in a post. Now, on with the show. We regret the omission of Tyson "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of" Clabo, and sincerely apologize for such a large oversight. We take playing with people's names very seriously here at "Bitterness", and would never purposefully make such a large oversight and hope you can forgive us and will continue to make us your number one place for sillified nicknames. Now, that being said here is the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Football Team":

QB- Jake Delhomme "For the Holidays"
RB- Steve "One horse open" Slaton
RB- "Jingle Bell" Rock Cartwright
WR- Reggie A-Wayne "In a Manger"
WR- Chris Horn-"aments"
TE- Justin "Let it" Snow
OL- Mike Gandy "Cane"
OL- Trent Cole "In Your Stocking"
OL- Nick Mangold "Frankincense and Myrhh"
OL- Travis "Little Drummer" LaBoy
OL- "Good" King "Wencelas" Dunlap

DL- Leonard Little "Town of Bethlehem"
DL- Ebenezer "Scrooge" Ekuban
DL- Raheem "Jingle Bell" Brock
DL- Chris Canty "Cane"
LB- "Mistle" Tony Gilbert
LB- Tully "Candy" Banta-Cain
LB- Vernon Gholston "Of Christmas Past"
CB- Davon "Boughs of" Holly
CB- Ahmad "Christmas" Carroll
S- Donte Whittner "Wonderland"
S- Quentin "Gold, Franincense and" Jammer

K- Robbie Gould "Frankincense and Myrhh"
P- Sav Rocca "Round the Christmas Tree"

And now the picks:
RAMS @ FALCONS: The Falcons, yes the Falcons could still get a home playoff game! Not only could they get a home game, they could get a first round bye! Unbelievable! Falcons 37-15.

RAIDERS @ BUCCANEERS: The Gruden Bowl and a Super Bowl rematch fom years ago. What's not to love? Yeah, I know. Buccaneers 24-23.



LIONS @ PACKERS: This could have as much interest as any game on the docket. Can the Lions be the first 16 loss team in NFL history? We'd all like to think so, but will the Packers care that much? I would say the Packers will be fighting tooth and nail to win this one. Some might say why not just lay down, its a virtually meaningless game for the Pack. Well, think about it though. Aside from marring your franchise name in the football anals, there can't be a lot of pride in being the only team to lose to lose to the Lions. Packers 37-14.



BROWNS @ STEELERS: Its been a rough year in Cleveland, but a win here could end the season on a high note for the Brownies. Steelers 27-17.

GIANTS @ VIKINGS: Obviously this means a lot more to the Vikes than it does the G-Men, but will the Tom "turn and" Coughlin be goign full force in this one? Now some people look down on teams resting their starters, against a team who holds playoff implications in its hands, but with several big names like Kevin "Big Boss Man" and Brandon Jacobs listed as doubtful, why would you risk it? I realize the Gaints have a bye week coming up to rest, but that won't matter if BJ is knocked out for the playoffs, will it? Vikings 14-13.

PATRIOTS @ BILLS: The Bills are playing their playoff game right here. Pats 21-17.

BEARS @ TEXANS: Ditto for the Texans. Bears in need a of a win to win the division, but me thinks they'll have a rough trip to Texas. Texans 17-13.

TITANS @ COLTS: Another meaning less Colts-Titans skirmish, yay. At least this year both teams can play the backups. Colts 24-20.

CHIEFS @ BENGALS: The matchup everyone circled on their calendars when this years schedules were announced. I mean what do you say that hasn't already been said about a game between two awful teams on the final Sunday of the regular season? If the Bengals win, that could drop them out of the coveted #4 draft pick. In fact the win could end up dropping the Bengals down a few spots come April. A Chiefs win clinches the #3 Draft Pick in April, but a loss doesn't necessarily give them that coveted #2 pick either, unless the Rams win. This one may have more implications than any other game today. Bengals 14-10.

PANTHERS @ SAINTS: Simple, Panthers win they take the division and get a first round bye. All that stands in their way is Drew Brees and the mighty Saints. Panthers 27-21.

JAGUARS @ RAVENS: All that stands between the Ravens and the playoffs is the Jaguars, who haven't had an inspired performance since last December. Hmm, let me think. Ravens 23-7.

SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS: Seahawks, probably against the Cards backups. Seahawks 11-9.

DOLPHINS @ JETS: Eh, if you follow football you already know everything you need to know about this one and are probably already tired of it. I'm not even gonna talk about Brett Favre screwing the Pats several years ago by losing to the Jets in the final week, in essence eliminating the Pats from the playoffs. Not one word, I swear. Jets 33-28.
REDSKINS @ NINERS: Niners 31-28.

COWBOYS @ EAGLES: Well here's the Eagles scenario. For them to make the playoffs, they need to beat the Cowboys, have Tampa Bay lose to the Raiders, have Minnesota or Chicago lose, then they need the moon to align with Jupiter, hell to freeze over, and pigs to fly. Easy. Well, at least they can still play spoiler to the Cowboys. Eagles 27-23.

BRONCOS @ CHARGERS: Well it all comes down to this in the AFC West. A Chargers win and Ed Hochuli can sleep a bit easier. A Broncos win and well, maybe he can't. What am I his psychiatrist? Chargers 37-31.

BEST WISHES!

Happy Boxing Day from "Bitterness" and Soda Popinski!

HANNUKAH HIJINX

Its the first day of Hannukah, so here's the 63rd Annual "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch" National Football League Kosher All- Hannukah Team presented by Richard Lewis and Boku. Now of course as usual this will feature only current NFL Players, so it will not include Keith "Rab"Byars, Stan "Gelt"baugh, Herman"orah" Moore, Alex Van Gelt, Al "Drei"Del Greco, or Lyle Alzado. So on with the show!

QB- SHAUN HILL-"EL", SF
RB- MENO-RASHAD MENDENHALL, PIT
WR- "KISLEV"-ERNEUS COLES, NYJ
WR- TROY-VAY WILLIAMSON, JAX
WR- ANTWAAN DREIDEL-EL, WAS
TE- TALIS CLARK, IND

YOU CAN BET ALL YOUR GELT ON THIS OFFENSIVE LINE:
OL- GELT-ON BROWN, ARI
OL- ROBERT GELT-ON, OAK
OL- NICK "LATKE", STL
OL- MATT "FESTIVAL OF" LIGHT, NE
OL- JON JANSEN"AGOGUE", WAS

DL- OSI U-MENORAH, NYG
DL- AARON KAMPMAN-ORAH,GB
DL- "MENO"- RAHEEM BROCK, IND
DL- DRE "DEL" MOORE, TB
LB- CATO JEW-N, TB
LB- JON MACA-BEASON, CAR
LB- "LAT"KEYARON FOX, PIT
CB- JASON "STAR OF" DAVID, NO
CB- DRE'-"DEL" BLY, DEN
S- KO "SHER" SIMPSON, BUF
S- HANIK"AH" MILLIGAN, STL

P- BRIAN MOORMAN"ORAH", BUF
K- "STAR OF" DAVID AKERS, PHI

WEEK SIXTEEN: KITNA FOR $800 ALEX

Alright we have a lot on our plate right now so we're gonna have to "quick hit" this weeks picks, with some help from Alex Trebeck:



COLTS @ JAGUARS: What is a game that looked better on the schedule before the season started? Colts 24-14.

RAVENS @ COWBOYS: What is a must win game? Ravens 21-17.

CARDINALS @ PATRIOTS: What is the Cardinals chance to prove themselves? Patriots 42- 35.

SAINTS @ LIONS: What is one game closer to futility history? Saints 45-28.

49ERS @ RAMS: What is a chance for both coaches to try and boost their odds of getting rehired? or What is a chance for Mike Singletary to drop his pants? Niners 24-13.


DOLPHINS @ CHIEFS: What is not Tyler Thigpen's coming out party? Dolphins 24-20.

BENGALS @ BROWNS: What is the battle of underachieving wideouts? Browns 23-20.

CHARGERS @ BUCCANEERS: What is a previously overrated team against a recently overrated team? Buccaneers 28-24.

STEELERS @ TITANS: What is the battle for AFC supremacy? Steelers 19-14.

TEXANS @ RAIDERS: What is a game of very little interest to anyone? Texans 35-17.

BILLS @ BRONCOS: What is "wait 'til next year"? Bills 23-21.

JETS @ SEAHAWKS: What is Brett Favre turning water into wine? Jets 31-21.

EAGLES @ REDSKINS: What is the NFC East toss-up game of the week? Redskins 14-13.


FALCONS @ VIKINGS: What is a rematch of a game Minnesotans are still drinking to forget? Falcons 23-21.

PANTHERS @ GIANTS: What is a battle of former Kerry Collins employers, looking for home field advantage throughout the NFC Playoffs? Panthers 24-16.

PACKERS @ BEARS: What is the game that could salvage a ho-hum Packer season in some minds? Bears 21-10.

ROUNDOFFS: TIME TO REMEMBER

• Remember several weeks ago when the Giants, Redskins, and Cowboys were gonna be the three NFC east teams heading to the playoffs?
• Or how about when Donovan NcNabb didn't know that tying was possible and the Eagles were done for?
• Or, or how about when everyone thought the Bills could put the wagon in cruise control and coast into the playoffs?
• Or when Brett Favre was fallible?
• Or when Chris Berman was original and funny?
• Or when Sportscenter was actually informative and funny?
• Or when Mike Vick wasn't in prison?
• Or remember Dante Hall?
• Or when Devin Hester was a return threat?
• Or when Ladanian Tomlinson was a threat at all?
• Or how about when Kerry Collins was just a drunken punchline?
• Or when Gus Frerotte was just a punchline?
• Or when people in "the know" expected big things from the Jaguars?
• Or when Chad Ocho Cinco was just Chad Johnson, and actually caught passes?
• Or when Marvin Lewis cared?
• Or when the Rams were turning their season around with Jim Haslett?
• Or when the Panthers weren't the best team in football?
• Or when people cared about the Pro Bowl rosters? Okay I guess that was probably never true.
• Or how Romeo Crennel was a genius?
• Or when Pacman Jones wasn't in trouble?
• Or when the Bengals showed promise and were on the rise?
  
• Or when no one knew how clueless Andy Reid was?
• Or when John Madden provided insight?
• Or when Sean Payton and the Saints were ready to take the world by storm?
• Or when people thought Aaron Rodgers would make Green Bay forget about Brett Favre?
• Or when no one had heard of Tyler Thigpen?
• Or Dan Orlovsky?
• Or when there were some creative end zone dances?
• Or when you didn't love you some "Shirtless Gutenburg"?

WEEK FIFTEEN:

Little late with the picks this week, which you obviously already know. And since we're feelin' lazy this week, we thought we'd hand this week's picks over to a guest blogger. Someone who is more into ranting on Sundays. An icon in the journalism field. A man who has been spinnin' crazy for like a two hundred some odd years. That's right, the one, the only Andy Rooney.....


LIONS @ COLTS: If the Lions won a game, it would take a lot of the fun out of ridiculing them. Colts 31-17.

REDSKINS @ BENGALS: Some Indians are offended by the name "Redskins". Personally I find it offensive that people from India have any say in the matter. I liked Ghandi, he was a great house guest. Didn't eat much and picked up after himself. Now he's an Indian I respect. Redskins 23-14.

BILLS @ JETS: The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Brett Favre is not your average person, he's from Mississippi. I was in Mississippi once, and that was one more time than I wanted to be. Bills 17-13.

49ERS @ DOLPHINS: Did you ever notice that 1930 "niners" smell like pickled onions? I don't know why, but its always made me like them. As for Dolphins, the only one I ever liked was Flipper. If he could have survived on land it would have been some sort of crazy science-fiction show, like Will and Grace. Dolphins 21-17.


CHARGERS @ CHIEFS: Some say the forward pass reinvented the game of football. But I still wouldn't play without wearing a helmet. Chargers 27-20.

TITANS @ TEXANS: When I eat ribs, I stuff a napkin in my shirt, so it folds out and covers the front. Some people think this is embarrassing, but I guess I'm just one of those kooks who doesn't like barbecue sauce on my shirt. Titans 10-9.

BUCCANEERS @ FALCONS: People will genuinely accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe. Falcons 21-14.

PACKERS @ JAGUARS: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50 percent chance of winning, there's a 90% probability you'll lose. Packers 27-17.

SEAHAWKS @ RAMS: I've never found the humor in flatulence. To me its about as funny as yawning and slightly less humorous than sneezing. Seahawks 35-27.

BRONCOS @ PANTHERS: Football's alright, but nothing quite matches the grace and carnage of a good ol' fashioned roller derby. Girls in short skirts on roller skates are the real athletes. Put a three hundred pound offensive lineman up on roller skates, and see what you get. Your bound to be entertained, but he won't. Panthers 27-17.

PATRIOTS @ RAIDERS: A great way to save money in these trying times, is to stop "mega-sizing" your fast food value meals. In most cases its not even worth the extra 39 cents, and before long you won't even miss it. Patriots 38-13.

STEELERS @ RAVENS: At a Christmas party last year I got drunk on rum raisin ice cream. It made me wonder why there's no scotch raisin ice cream? When I woke up the next morning I was on the floor in a puddle of scotch, heavenly hash ice cream and raisins. Come to think of it, there was no ice cream at that party. Steelers 24-21.


VIKINGS @ CARDINALS: In my mind "delicacy" is just another word for creepy, weird food that others won't want to eat. I mean, some foreign delicacies include bull testicles, monkey brains and eggplant. If slapping the word "delicacy" on them is supposed to make it more appetizing, then I'm the Easter bunny. Note: I am not, in fact, the Easter bunny. Cardinals 30-21.

GIANTS @ COWBOYS: We may never know what the smartest animal is, but I'd like to register my vote for the pigeon. Cowboys 24-23.

BROWNS @ EAGLES: Did you ever wonder what the deal is with this "Shirtless Gutenburg"? Where exactly is his shirt, and how did he lose it? Is this supposed to be entertaining? Cause I just don't get it? Sure we'd all just love to rip our shirts off, stick our hairy chests out and grin, but we don't. You never see a "Shirtless Rooney" do ya? Unless you're talking about that hack Mickey! Eagles 17-13.

PLAXICO BURRESS: BEST WING MAN EVER

Now normally, I am not one to stick up for Plaxico Burress, mostly because I have hated him since birth. His, not mine. I feel like he is undeservedly getting a bad wrap these days. I mean, I just hate him because he's a cocky, overrated, annoying wide reciever who plays for the Giants, but not for all this latest ballyhoo. Okay, so he brought an illegal firearm into a club and accidentally shot himself in the leg. But I think everyone is missing the big picture here. Now, before I proceed, let me just, for legal purposes, say that we here at "Bitterness" do not, in any way, shape or form endorse breaking the law or carrying guns. Now, is Plax dumb? Yes. Is he a cock blocker? No.



You see it took some time for Plax to get to the hospital after he assaulted himself. What isn't being heavily reported is he was in the club for a good hour or so after inflicting himself. Why would he possibly do such a thing? Because he's a good wing man. His boy Antonio Pierce was with him, trying to get his, as the kids say, "swerve" on. You try and tell me if you are out with one of your "boys" painting the town red, and you shoot yourself and with an illegal firearm, you ain't gonna cry like a little schoolgirl and immediately ask your friend, who is probably about to "get things done" with some feisty femininas, to take your sorry ass to the hospital? Yeah, that's what I thought. No, Plax sucked it up and stayed there, risking all sorts of infections, who knows how many diseases, and possible risk of amputation, so his friend could get a "piece"! Avoiding the ultimate "cock block", Plax took one for a friend. He toughed it out so his "boy" Antonio could lay the groundwork. Plus when AP needs that little extra oomph in his "game", he be like, "Oh my god, my friend's been shot, I gotta get him help!" BOOM! Now the feisty femininas see Antonio's sensitive side. SHAZAM!

So, next time you all want to go and judge Plaxico, maybe you should take a deeper look, and ask yourselves, "Would any of my friends shoot themselves and still be help me get laid?" Something to think about.

ABOVE THE NORM

Figured no one saw this cause, well, it was the ESPYs. Watch for Ken Griffey Junior's reactions, they are priceless. Actually, not a lot of people know this, but Ken Griffey, Jr. was actually called the worst audience particpant Cirque du Soleil had ever seen until Wayne Jarvis came along. Enjoy!

FRIDAY NIGHT BYTES: IF YOU CAN DODGE A CAR.....

WEEK FOURTEEN: GREEN EGGS AND KITNA

For this week's picks we're gonna get our Seuss on:

RAMS are at CARDINALS, two touchdown dogs. Rams look to be playing in all sorts of fogs. Warner and company score points in bunches, Haslett and the Rams continually take punches. The Cardinals will win undoubtedly, by a lopsided score of 31 to one-three.

The BROWNS head to Nashville to clash with the TITANS. But will we have any Braylon Edwards sightins? Titans should have no problems here, the Browns should be looking on, towards next year. With slashes and dashes from Jeff Fisher's men, Titans will win 27-10.

BENGALS and COLTS will spar in Indy, a regular old-fashioned barbindy. Colts have the playoffs in their sight, Bengals time to go fly a kite. Coach Dungy should be feeling fine, after the Colts win by nine.

CHARGERS will be looking to thump the RAIDERS, and in so doing dismiss some haters. Razzle madazzle riggledy-do, Chargers will bin by 22.

CHIEFS and BRONCOS will meet in Denver, probably leading to more Broncos splendor. Cutler should have a fantastical day, zipping that ball every which way. Boom, frack, lima bean, Broncs win by seventeen.

VIKINGS and LIONS gettin' ready to tussle, with Vikings missing some of their muscle. Zip, zap, gizzards goo, Lions will be lucky if they lose by less then thirty-two.

EAGLES at GIANTS in a big time scruzzle, McNabb and Reid causing all sorts of buzzle. Giants are rolling, rolling, rolling along, while the Eagles are trapped in some tragic song. Whoops and woos, hollers, gazoos, 17-7, Eagles will lose.

JAGUARS and BEARS headed for a dazzley-do, with zizzle and zazzle and slight bally-hoo. Urlacher will run, he will crunch, Jaguars will be the Bears' lunch. Bears win 21-12, leaving the Jags none so swelve.

TEXANS at PACKERS, hardly a scrubber, Packers should give the Texans a drubber. Packers will look pretty keen, winning 20-thirteen.

REDSKINS and RAVENS ready for a bamboosher, rabblin and rubblin' down for a swoosher. Its Lewis and Taylor in a mabmle badamble, chasing down Flacco and yes Campbell. A down and dirty funleven, Redskins will beat 'em 13-seven.

PATRIOTS at SEAHAWKS ready for a jumbo jambaloo, Bill Belichik twenty-three skadoo. Pats need victory, over the hawks of the sea. With Cassel a -hurlin' away, Seahawks are in for a long, long day. Seattle be prepared for big humberdeen, Patriots on top 37-seventeen.

JETS at NINERS zip, zip, zizazzle, old man Favre king of the cazzle. The slinger for sure will better the Gore. Jets are goodies, the Niners poor, Jets win it 31-24.

FALCONS at SAINTS for Sunday go fun day, loser goes away. Brees a-huckin and chuckin, Falcons a-pluckin'! If Falcons could win it'd be great, but me thinks Saints triumph 31-twenty-eight.

COWBOYS and STEELERS headed for a blammy jammy, with Roethlisberger and Romo ready to slammy. Snoddlers, weezlers, an Hines Ward, Steelers over Cowboys 28-twenty four.

BUCCANEERS mash with PANTHERS in a jibberty wiggit, you know Steve Smith will soytantly dig it. Bucs in need of a splash, must block up the Panthers' dash. Bucs won't like the final score, Panthers razzle by four.

DOLPHINS and BILLS jumbled up in Canada, Bills hoping to bring plenty of fan-ada. Should be a regular clap-dangler, with the Bills playing the part of the mooble-mop mangler. Slippity, slappity if you know what I mean, Bills take it 20-thirteen.