KUMQUATS?!

With the MLB trade deadline having come and gone, it's time for "Bitterness" to look at the most traded player in the history of major league baseball. That's right, the ever popular "player to me named later" (PTBNL). Yes the PTBNL has been around, more or less, since the dawn of trading in baseball.

The PTBNL is basically used to postpone the final conditions of an MLB trade. But really the whole thing is just one of many bizarre rules and or regulations that surround the game of baseball.

Now they say the PTBNL allows the team receiving him more time to evaluate their team needs as well the talent level of the potential players they could receive as the PTBNL. But regardless, how discouraging does it have to be, to be a PTBNL? Basically the PTBNL is so insignificant that both teams are already happy with the trade, without him being added for another six months. I mean can you imagine such a thing in the time of the barter system? "I'll give you 6 potatoes for 4 kumquats and a foodstuff to be named later." You'd be liable to lose a hand!

But if just being a PTBNL is not discouraging or weird enough for you, I give you Harry Chiti. In 1962 Chiti was traded to the Mets from the Indians for a PTBNL. In the end that PTBNL was also Chiti. So, Chiti was actually traded, for himself!

But Chiti, was technically on both sides of the PTBNL deal. The PTBNL is usually a minor leaguer, who may or may not already know about his insignificance. But how about the other end of the deal? How important does one feel when they're basically traded, for no one. Well, in Chiti's day that may have seemed like a big "diss", as the kids say? These days, not so much, because it usually means a move to a team with a better chance of winning and it's mostly about the almighty "buck"!

So, it seems that the most discouraging position here is to be the PTBNL. Not many PTBNL's end up amounting to much, but there are a few who go on, to do some things. David Ortiz, Scott Podsednik and Coco Crisp are a few notable PTBNLs that have made nice careers. While they may not be significant before or after they become a PTBNL, they can, at the very least, be colorful and wise.

"I'm the player to be named later."- Crash Davis, Bull Durham

The seemingly immortal Jamie Moyer recently broke Robin Roberts' record for career home runs given up. Now while having given up more home runs than any other pitcher in basbeball seems fairly dubious, it is also a testament to Moyer's longevity. Longevity, of course does not equal greatness, but to a point, it does equal above averageness. Moyer has never been "great", but there is a certain something to be said for someone who remains serviceable for over two decades. But enough argle bargle! We here at "Bitterness" thought it be fun to go inside the many dingers given up by Jamie Moyer. First, a big thanks to Baseball-Reference, and away we go!

• His first home run given up was to Juan Samuel, the current interim-manager for the Orioles.
  
• He's given up home runs to six current Hall of Famers
  
• He's given up homers to Glenn, Eric, Chili and Chris Davis. Juan, Alex, Wiki, Alex and Adrian Gonzalez. Joneses, Tracy, Ron, Andruw and Chipper. Molinas, Bengie and Jose, but not Yadier.
• He's given up homers to Tony Pena and his son Tony, Jr. which no other pitcher can say.
• He's given up long flies to several Royals, Jeff King and Prince Fielder.
• He also gave up a homer to Prince Fielder's dad Cecil
• Home run #103 was given up to Greg Vaughn. #104? That was given up to Mo Vaughn
• He's been taken deep by a Huskey, a Hardy and a Braun
• Manny Ramirez has the most homers off of Moyer
  
• Brooks, Boggs, Bay and even an Overbay have taken Moyer out of the park
• He's given up long balls to Raines and Snow
• He's been taken deep in the first inning more than any other inning
  
• Kevin Bass, Tim Salmon, Benji Gil, a Marlin and a Devil Ray have all gone deep off of Moyer
• Bill Madlock and Dave Justice have taken him over the wall
• He's given homers to someone from every continent except for Antarctica
  
• Gates, Wells and Stairs also homered off of him
• He's given up bombs to Brewers, Rangers, Mariners, Fielders, a Hunter and a Sander
• Red Sox, White Sox and one Schu have taken him deep
• He's been taken deep by Phillies, a Phil and a Phillips
  
• Blue Jays, Cardinals and Orioles have hit long balls off of him
  
• He's been taken deep by a Wade, a Trot and a Pat
• A Herr and a Man-ny have homered off him
  
• And he's given up dingers to a Hill and a Dale, but no Valle

WTF?!

With the Major League Baseball at it's All-Star break, it's of course time for the "47th Annual Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch All-W.T.F. Teams". For those of you who missed the announcing of the previous 46 years of "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch All-WTF Teams" and don't know what W.T.F. is, it stands for "What The Fiddlesticks?!" You see these are teams comprised of players that have produced stats in the first half of the season that are, let us just say, not in tune, with their expected production. Now we don't divvy up the teams by leagues. Oh, no-no, we divide them by whether their stats are above or below expectations. So, without further ado, on with the show:

TEXAS OUT-OF-RANGERS
C-John Buck, Blue Jays- Like many of the Blue Jays, Big Buck Hunter has been htting a bit above his paygrade.

1B-Troy Glaus, Braves- The oft-injured Glaus, has been more like a semi-Glaus the past couple seasons, but even a healthy Glaus and his aging bones are out hitting expectations.

2B-Kelly Johnson, Diamondbacks- Now sure, I did have Rage KJ as a preseason fantasy sleeper, seeing as how he all but disappeared off of everyone's radar last season, but he has done way more than even I could have ever imagined.

3B-Casey McGeehee, Brewers- A solid start to his career last season, but me thinks he be hittin' a bit over his head.

SS-Alex Gonzalez, Blue Jays- Sea Bass, yes Sea Bass (thanks to Baseball-Refernce for that nickname tidbit), has bopped 17 dingers thus far, a total that he has only topped twice in his 11 previous major league seasons.

OF-Jose Bautista, Blue Jays- He's already beaten his career high tater total (try saying that five times fast!) at the break! In fact he's already beaten that career tater total by 8!

OF-Chris Young, Diamondbacks- Now sure, he's had plenty of hype, and the dingers are for real, but his average is up above where it belongs. Regression is on the way!

OF-Nick Swisher, Yankees- Much like C.Y., Swisher's home runs are no lie, with that right field porch in Yankee Stadium being like 50 feet from home plate. But also like C.Y., the average is due for a regression.
BENCH
3B-Scott Rolen, Reds- Much like Troy Glaus, Rolen has been oft-injured and is raking like he's 27 again, which makes ya take a bit of a double take when you see the numbers.

IF-Ty Wigginton, Orioles- Wiggy was gettin jiggy early on, and yes he's cooled, but not enough to not make the 2010 overachiever squad.

OF-Alfonso Soriano, Cubs- He's been on a steady decline the past few years and a major drain on the Cubbies' financially. Now, while he's no longer a 40-40 candidate, he could get back to the 30 homer mark, and that's something of a surprise.

OF-Cory Hart, Brewers- He hasn't been wearing his sunglasses at night, and that seems to have made all the difference. Dude's got 65 steaks at the break, which is impressive for a guy who has never managed more than 91 in a season, in his short career. Either he's finally putting it altogether or he's just having a ridiculously lucky first half.
IF-Juan Uribe, Giants- It's possible that if Charlie Manuel wanted a good utility guy for the All-Star team, he could have chosen Uribe over Omar Infante. Seeing as how Uribe has been far better than the worse All-Star ever picked, that was not his team's sole representative.

PITCHERS
R.A. Dickey, Mets- Nothing really pointed to this breakout in Flushing.

Barry Zito, Giants- Were the stories of his demise, greatly exaggerated?

Carlos Silva, Cubs- Silva was just about literally the worst regular starting pitcher in the league last year, so even a mediocre start to this year would have landed him on this team.

Carl Pavano, Twins- Pavano's actually pitching like everyone thought he would after that '04 campaign. Who woulda thunk it?
Jon Rauch, Twins- A lot of people went into "panic mode" when Joe Nathan went down in Spring Training, but Rauch has more than stepped up.

Matt Capps, Nationals- No one, okay not a lot of people, saw Cappie being a solid closer for the Nats and that's good enough for "Bitterness"!

MYLANTA BRAVES
C-Matt Wieters, Baltimore Orioles- A bit harsh, since he barely has a full season under his belt, sure. He has been decent, but he was spit out of the Hype-a-tron 3000, and while that's not his fault, it'll still land him on the 2010 underachievers.

1B-Mark Tiexeira, Yankees- Another slow start for Tex, but unlike past years, he really hasn't turned it on yet.

2B-Aaron Hill, Blue Jays- A former All-Star, who actually finished 12th in AL MVP voting last year, hitting below the Mendoza Line? Welcome to the team!

3B-Aramis Ramirez, Cubs- Aramis was terrible, then got injured, came back and started hitting somewhat. So he may be back on track, but the first half numbers are still bad, so he makes the squad.

SS-Yunel Escobar, Braves- Not a superstar by any means, but he's been solid in his short MLB career, and this year has been abysmalistic for YEscobar.

OF-Adam Lind, Blue Jays- After a breakout campaign last season, Lind has been struggling mightily, even going several weeks between multi-hit games.

OF-Shane Victorino, Phillies- The Flyin' Hawaiian has seen a lot more of hits fly outta the park, but his BA and OBP, are way down. But the dude can rock a white suit!

OF-Jason Bay, Mets- I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, the Metropolitans were looking for a bit more than 6 dingers at the break from the Bayniac. And before anyone blames the power outage on his playing in the vast expanses of Citi Field, just know he has almost 30 more homers on the road in his career. Even whilst playing with the Red Sox last year, he hit 15 HRs at Fenway, while socking 21 on the road!

BENCH
OF-Melky Cabrera, Braves- Now no one was expecting an All-Star season out of the "Melk Man", but .259, 3 HRs and 24 RBIs?

IF-Chone Figgins, Mariners- Not surprising to me, but until recently, the much ballyhooed off-season signing by the Ms, had been a major disappointment.

3B-Chase Headley, Padres- A solid finish to last season, had Chase as a sleeper going into 2010, but after a hot start, Headley has been merely mediocre.

1B-Carlos Pena, Rays- No one was expecting Carlos to compete for any batting titles, but .203 is bad, even for him. Couple that with a .415 slugging percentage, and he ends up here.

2B-Akinori Iwamura, Pirates- Iwamura looked like a sneaky good signing by the Buccos, but he has been awful, and lost his starting gig to rookie Neil Walker.

PITCHERS
Ricky Nolasco, Marlins- Going into last year Ricky was one of the up and coming pitchers in the majors. So what did he do? Pitched so badly, he was sent to Triple-A. He then returned and pitched to expectations in the second half, leaving him ready to make the emerge as an ace this year, right? Wrong. Once again Nolasco has struggled in the first half, although not as mightily as in '09, but mightily enough to earn a spot on this squad.

Dan Haren, Diamondbacks- Usually, Danny boy saves his struggles for the second half, but I guess he decided to get ahead this year.

Wandy Rodriguez, Astros- "Magic" Wandy, has been anything but, this year. He took a big leap forward last year, but must not have said, "Mother may I?" as he has fallen way back this season.

Javier Vazquez, Yankees- While it comes as no surprise to this blogger, Javy's return to the A.L., has been a bit shaky. Oh, and if you think it's because of his home park, think again. His E.R.A. is actually higher on the road.

Carlos Zambrano, Cubs- Unless you live under a rock that does not get MLB Network, you don't need this one explained.

Trevor Hoffman, Brewers- We all knew age was catching up with the all-time saves leader, but it appears to have not only caught up with him, but also tossed him around a bit and stole his ability to get guys out.

Joba Chamberlain, Yankees- The supposed heir apparent to Mariano Rivera's throne in New York, is carrying an E.R.A. up over 5.00 at the break. Yikes!

Well there are your "47th Annual Bitterness is a Fish you Can Catch All-W.T.F. Teams"! Hope you enjoyed and keep on, keep on truckin'!

HAPPY JACKIE ROBINSON DAY!

Ooops! Wrong Jackie Robinson! That is the long time Syracuse, NY news anchor. This is the Jackie Robinson we're celebrating today:

FANTASY FOOFARAW

Welcome to the first "Fantasy Foofaraw" of the season. But what is the "Fantasy Foofaraw" you may ask? Why the "Fantasy Foofaraw" is our weeklyish guide to fantasy baseball. Fair warning though, we hold know liability for ruining any fantasy baseball teams. We will however take complete credit when we help your team(s) achieve fantasy glory.

Why you shouldn't pay for closers- Jon Rauch. If you drafted, like many, before Joe Nathan went down (although somehow Nathan still managed to get drafted, after his injury, in several leagues, anyway) chances are Jon Rauch was not a player taken, even in deep, deep leagues. Which is hard to imagine, considering his adorable profile pic:

So you could just pick him up for virtual pennies and now he's 5 for 5 in save chances.

Of course it doesn't hurt to spend a little, rather than taking the dregs of the closer pool. (See Francisco, Frank)

If you drafted David Ortiz and expected him to start off 2010 with a bang, then well you are dumb. Yeah, I said it! The worst thing Ortiz could do was turn it on in the 2nd half last year, giving fantasy owners false hope for this season. He's on the downturn of his career. He's big and old, can't turn on inside pitches and can't hit lefties.

Now that being said, there's nothing wrong with having Ortiz on a deep mixed or AL-only league roster. But you do NOT have to start him. Unlike Terry Francona, you don't have to see him every day and there's a good chance he won't even know you benched him. Ya gotta think Francona is just hoping for an injury, so he won't feel bad about not playing Papi. Personally, I don't think that late season charge is on its way this year. AL-only and deep mixed league people, eye this situation and keep Mike Lowell and Jeremy Hermida on your radars.

Don't push the panic button on these fellas just yet:

HUNTER PENCE- Now sure, his team is abysmal, BUT he should still put up some good fantasy numbers. In fact I had him as one of the most underrated fantasy players in all the land when the season started. So don't look for him to Cory Hart you (Cory Hart: v. to show great potential and talent, leading to high expectations that are quickly dashed, ruining one's fantasy season), despite his hairdo:



YOVANNI GALLARDO- I don't generally get in the habit of sticking up for dudes named Yovanni, but I have high hopes for Gallardo, which is why he is the ace of several of my teams. So don't worry, fantasy goodness is on the way!

GRAB 'EM IF YOU CAN!

BARRY ZITO- He's not gonna be Cy Young Barry Zito, nor will he pitch this well the whole season. He has only faced the Astros and the Pirates for crying out loud! But he'll be a solid SP4 or 5 on any fantasy squad.

COLBY LEWIS- He dominated in Japan. JAPAN FOLKS! Worked for Cecil Fielder and Max "Hammer" Dubois, enough said!

No? Not enough said, you say? Okay, how 'bout this- he just struckout 10 Indians in 5.1 innings and that ain't bad.

SETH SMITH- Sure he's platooning, but if you are in a daily transaction league and have the time and effort to know when he's playing and can plug him into your lineup, you could be ridin' a gravy train with biscuit wheels!

STREAM WEAVER
In "Stream Weaver" we'll give you some good streaming options for the upcoming weekend. Enjoy!

TOM GORZELANNY, CHC (4/16) vs. Houston- Is Tom Gorzelanny the answer to all your pitching woes? Certainly not! Is he the answer to some? In the long run, no. But he's pitching against the Astros this week, and the 'Stros have fewer HRs and RBIs than Albert Pujols.

MIKE LEAKE, CIN (4/16) @ Pittsburgh- Sure Leake is not established, making this a bit more of a gamble. But he did do a good job of keeping the ball away from the Cubs' bats. Of course that was partly because he walked 7 Cubbies in 6.2 IP. And he skipped the minors altogether, so yes he is a bit of a wild card, but he has big upside, especially against the Buccos!

JAMIE GARCIA, STL (4/16) vs. New York- Garcia is another young gun with very little track record. The Mets are struggling and Oliver Perez is his opponent, so I like the chance for the "W".

JEREMY BONDERMAN, DET (4/16) @ Seattle- Bonderman looked sharp in his first start and will head into a great pitcher park against what has thus far been a punchless Mariners offense. The only downside to this, he's up against King Felix, so the "W" is by no means a "lock".

Not a ton of viable streaming options for Saturday and not a lot of probables shown for Sunday, so there!

That concludes our first "Fantasy Foofaraw" of the season, hope you enjoyed, and if not, well, it doesn't really matter.

BURNING QUESTIONS, BOLDISH PREDICTIONS AND OPENING NIGHT THOUGHTS

The wait is over! Baseball is back and so is "Bitterness", with our burning questions and boldish predictions for the 2010 MLB season.

BURNING QUESTIONS

• Is there anyone in the Cubs organization that should not be on the hot seat?
• Can the "Pitcher Whisperer" Dave Duncan work his magic on Brad Penny?
• Is anyone else not jumping on the Mariners bandwagon? Yes they have King Felix and Cliff Lee, but who's at the back end of that rotation?
• And how is Carlos Silva in a Major League rotation?
• What would ever, ever, ever possess Jayson Werth to shave off that gorgeous beard? Really the only thing I did not love about Jayson Werth was his weird beatnik soul patch thingamabob.
• Where have you gone Rocky Biddle?
• Why have I not been calling Tommy Hanson "Jump Street" sooner than now?
• Can Brian Bannister be the next Mark Gubicza?
• Do the Astros understand the term "scouting"?
• Will anyone suffer more injuries than the Mets?
  
• What's the over under on number of days Nick Johnson spends on the DL?
• Can Jason Heyward actually hit the moon with a batted ball?
• Will the Giants be able to scrape together enough runs to take the NL West?
• Will anyone try to top Kyle Blanks' afro?
• What is Billy Beane doing?
• Has anyone asked Jamie Moyer how he used to pitch Babe Ruth?
• Why would you build a new baseball field in Minnesota without at least a retractable roof?
• Can everyone just cool it with all the "run prevention" talk when talking about the Red Sox?

BOLDISH PREDICTIONS

• Jay Bruce will hit 40+ home runs.
• Roy Halladay will not win 20 games, nor will he win the Cy Young award.
• Tim Lincecum will not win the Cy Young award.
• Joe Mauer will hit less than 25 homers.
• Adrian Gonzalez will not still be a Padre after the trade deadline.
• Javier Vazquez will spend time on the DL after incurring the wrath of CC when taking his last piece of pregame deep dish pizza.
• The Mariners will not make the playoffs.
• Tim McCarver will still be an old coot spittin' out all sortsa assinine.
• Nick Johnson will get injured.
• Curtis Granderson will hit less than 30 home runs.
• Evan Longoria will drive in at least 125 runs.
• Chan Ho Park will not last the whole season as a Yankee.
• Zank Grienke will still be outstanding.
• The Mets brass will try and hire Jack Klugman, TV's Quincy, MD to try and keep them healthy, but only after negotiations with Alan Alda break down. They will then realize that Mr. Klugman is no longer among the living. Dr. Quinn, stay by your phone.
• Sean Rodriguez will be the American League Rookie of the Year.
• Travis Snider will have a breakout year.
  
• The A's, Pirates, Astros, Nationals and Royals will all have losing records.
• The Orioles will win 80 games and finsh 4th in the AL East.
• The Reds and Dodgers won't make the playoffs.
• Milton Bradley will be ejected from 2 games this year.
• Bobby Cox will be ejected from 4.
  
• No more than 3 pitchers will win 20 or more games.
• No fewer than 7 eating establishments in the greater D.C. area will have a Strasburger. And they will all feature extra cheese!

And now for some of your more "traditional" predictions:
AL East- Red Sox, Yankees, Rays, Orioles, Blue Jays
Al Central- White Sox, Twins, Tigers, Indians, Royals
Al West- Angels,Ranger, Mariners, Athletics

NL East- Phillies, Braves, Marlins, Mets, Nationals
NL Central- Cardinals, Cubs, Brewers, Reds, Astros, Pirates
NL West- Rockies, Giants, Dodgers, Diamonbacks, Padres

Wildcards- Yankees and Braves

ALCS- Red Sox over Yankees
NLCS- Phillies over Rockies

World Series- Red Sox over Phillies

AL MVP- Alex Rodriguez
NL MVP- Ryan Braun

AL Cy Young- Jake Peavy
NL Cy Young- Josh Johnson

AL ROY- Sean Rodriguez
NL ROY- Jason Heyward (how could ya not?)

OPENING NIGHT THOUGHTS

• Neil Diamond performing "Sweet Caroline" live in the middle of the 8th inning with a sweet "Keep the Dodgers in Brooklyn" jacket was as good as it gets!
• Pretty nice having Pedro throw out the first pitch. I did not hear any "Who's Your Daddy?" chants.
  
• Nice ovation for Mike Lowell.
• The game itself was pretty exciting.
  
• I predicted the Red Sox would win 8-6. Pretty close.
• Yankees bullpen had a pretty shaky start. I'm just saying, Joe Girardi, Chan Ho Park may not be your best bet in any sort of clutch situation?
• Why would ESPN blackout the game in Boston and New York? It was the only game on! Sunday Night Baseball is never blacked out. NEVER! Imagine my dismay when I went to watch the game this morning to see if I could spot myself in the crowd, only to find I had 3 hours of ESPN News on the DVR. Blast!
  
• I did find $5 on the sidewalk on the way home. Jack....pot!
  
• And of course this:

Go baseball, enjoy the season!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

THE "BITTERNESS" RETURN IS NEAR!

WEEK FIVE: NO COUNTRY FOR OLD KITNA

Due to some whathaveyous, I'm gonna have to kind of give you a quick hitting version of this week's picks. Not to worry though, next week "Bitterness" will reemerge with the thunder! Now on with the show!

VIKINGS @ RAMS: I cannot envision many scenarios in which the Rams would win this game. Um, let's see, if the Vikings starters are inflicted with swine flu, maybe, maybe the Rams will have a chance. So, barring any sort of plague befalling the Vikes, Rams will lose. Vikings 28-10

COWBOYS @ CHIEFS: Did you notice that, for the most part the one o'clock games are pretty lame? The Cowboys are about as inconsistent as they come right now. Well sort of. They beat bad teams and lose to teams that are mediocre or above. Using that rationale, I'd go with the 'Boys 38-21

REDSKINS @ PANTHERS: One of my favorite stats I've seen thus far this year, is that the Redskins have yet to face a team with a win. Not a winning record, a win. Giants (0-0), Rams (0-1), Lions (0-2), Bucs (0-3). And the trend continues with the winless Panthers this week. Unfortunately the 'Skins have not looked impressive in any of these games and Mark Rypien's not walking through that door. Panthers 24-20

BUCCANEERS @ EAGLES: Westbrook healthy + McNabb healthy + Jackson healthy= bad news for the Bucs. Eagles 31-17

RAIDERS @ GIANTS: Will Eli play or not? Will it matter? Giants 28-17

BROWNS @ BILLS: Well, someone's gotta win. Bills 24-20

BENGALS @ RAVENS: Probably the best early game going on Sunday. Bengals are the feel good story thus far, but the Ravens can change that in a hurry, bringing Cincy and their fans back to Earth for at least a week. Ravens 21-14

STEELERS @ LIONS: Get your tickets for the Duante Culpepper experience now, while they're still available. Steelers 31-21

FALCONS @ FORTY-NINERS: One of several intriguing four o'clock matchups. The Falcons are rested and have had to think about that clunker they had in Foxboro, but the Niners are playing inspired football. Niners 17-13

PATRIOTS @ BRONCOS: The Broncos are the most overrated 4-0 team out there. That's not to say they're not good, they just haven't proven it yet. The Patriots historically struggle in the mile-high air, and Josh McDaniels is a Belichik protege. Look for the lame duck handshake after Denver moves to 5-0. Broncos 17-13

TEXANS @ CARDINALS: This one has all the makings of a high falootin', gunslingin', all or nothinin', desert shootout. Cards 42-37

JAGUARS @ SEAHAWKS: Hey, what was with those electric green jersey the 'Hawks were sporting the other week? Um, Seahawks the World League of American Football called, they want their jerseys back. Seahawks 25-22

COLTS @ TITANS: Love that people want to bench Kerry Collins for Vince Young. I can't say it's an all out terrible idea. I mean if anything he adds a different dimension the defense has to account for, and no I don't mean "suckiness". Honestly I don't see what they have to lose? If they lose everyone will be critical of whatever Jeff Fisher does anyway, might as well look like your trying to do something. They're already four games back in the division, with 12 to play, for Pete sake! Colts 34-24

JETS @ DOLPHINS: I realize the Dolphins did some thing last year, but this is already the second time they've been on Monday night! And both games in Miami, on that atrocious looking field? That's just makes me mad. Come on! Jets 21-17

And now your Cheeeeeeeese!

WEEK FOUR: WHY DID I NEVER CALL KITNA "KIT-KAT"?

RAIDERS @ TEXANS: The Texans are not a playoff team. I said it before the season started, and I am saying it again now. Of course you don't need to be a playoff contender to beat the Raiders, because they are not good at football. Is it just me or does it get harder and harder, week after week, to figure out exactly why the Raiders cut Jeff Garcia loose? Texans 27-10

TITANS @ JAGUARS: Time to panic in Tennessee? Possibly. If they lose to the Jags they may as well call it a season. This is an absolute, without a doubt, no question about it, bread and butter, black and white, must win game for the Titans. And like the Titans of yore, win they shall! Titans 24-17

RAVENS @ PATRIOTS: This one fixes to be a good old-fashioned boondoggle! Whatever the heck that means? Did the Patriots really prove themselves against the Falcons? Did they? Did they? DID THEY?! Maybe. But the Ravens are running on all cylinders. Every single cylinder. There is not one cylinder, NOT ONE, that they are not running on. Ravens 24-20

BENGALS @ BROWNS: Wow! What a surprise win by the Bengals last week, right? Oh wait, that was my upset special last week. Boom. The Bengals are better than most people think, but let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here, it's a long season, and I don't think the playoffs are in their immediate future. But what I really want to talk about is the utter putridity (I may have invented that word) that is the Cleveland Browns. More to the point, Mangini-us. How quick the tables can turn. It was only a couple years ago that the "genius" label was bestowed upon the young Mangini and now he is quite possibly the worst coaching hire in the last quarter century, and that includes Rich Kotite! And now he has replaced Brady Quinn, Medicine Woman with "Dandy" Derek Anderson. Or has he? Could this be another Mangini-sized rouse? A cunning attempt to trick the Bengals? Not only does Mr. Mangini seem in over his head most of the time, but he just seems to suck the life and happiness out of everything that is supposed to be fun, sort of like a dementor. He almost, almost, makes Bill Belichik look whimsical. Bengals 28-6

GIANTS @ CHIEFS: Tough to say how good the Giants really are. They beat the Redskins, who could very well be 0-3, the Bucs, who are 0-3, and the Cowboys, who are inconsistent at best. The path to 5-0 is pretty much paved in gold. Chiefs this week, Raiders next week. Current combined record of the Giants' first five opponents, 4-11. And one of those wins was because the Chiefs played the Raiders, and, well, one of them was likely to win that matchup. The another win was because the Cowboys played the Bucs. So those head-to-head matchups aside, makes that record 2-11. Seems like it's good to be the G-Men. The Giants that is. I am unaware if it is good to be the FBI. Giants 34-17

And now the lightning round, where the dollar values can really double!

LIONS @ BEARS: If the Lions win a game and nobody's watching, does it still count? I don't see that win over the 'Skins escalating into any sort of, what's the word, "streak"? Bears 27-18

BUCCANEERS @ REDSKINS: If there was any a time for Raheem "The Dream" to get his first win as a head coach, seems like this would be it. Even the 'Skins can't be that bad. Can they? Skins 21-12

SEAHAWKS @ COLTS: Seneca Wallace versus Peyton Manning. Hardly an epic matchup. Colts 31-17

JETS @ SAINTS: Probably the most intriguing matchup of the week. Good offense versus good defense. Well you know the old saying, "Offense wins games, defense wins championships." We'll see. Saints 24-20

BILLS @ DOLPHINS: The Bills secondary is battered up. If the already weak Miami passing game, wasn't starting a rookie at QB, I'd be concerned for the Billsies. Bills 17-10

NINERS @ RAMS: I think the Rams might get "creamed" with Glenn Coffee this week. 49ers 23-9

COWBOYS @ BRONCOS: A Broncos win could earn them a smidge of respectabilty, who knows. The point should be moot. Cowboys 28-20

CHARGERS @ STEELERS: Both of these teams are sort of shambles of their former selves right now. Philip Rivers probably won't throw for 400 yards in this one. Or maybe he will? I dunno. Steelers 24-21

PACKERS @ VIKINGS: Ah, the matchup many people circled on their NFL schedule, calendars. It's always a big moment when you take on a former teammate, in primetime, for the division lead. And when the Packers head to Minnesota to face former Packer legend Ryan Longwell, it will be no different. Packers 27-23

And now your cheese.....hats:

So, last week, was not so good, pick wise. So this week will definitely, possibly, maybe be better.

TITANS@ JETS: A good ol' clash of titans.....and Jets. Or is it? After letting Big Ben pick them apart at the end of the opener, the Titans proceeded to go out and get stumped by "the Schaub", wasting Chris Johnson's big day. Some say it's because there's no more Phat Albert Haynesworth, others say it's due to Jim Schwartz moving to the Lions' den. Me? Well it could be a bit of both, but what do I really think it is? Curse of Steve McNair. What?! Too soon? Titans 13-12

JAGUARS @ TEXANS: Houston, we have a problem. Sure the Texans beat the Titans last week, but how far can they go with this "defense"? First the Jets ran all over them, then the Titans. And what in the name of Kailee Wong was going on when Chris Johnson was just left out wide, all by his lonesome?! Absolutely ridiculous! So look for a big day out of Maurice Jones-Drew in a losing effort as "the Schaub" rolls up the yards and points. Texans 34-23

CHIEFS @ EAGLES: The Eagles defense should be hungry for redemption after Drew Brees lit them up last week. McNabb or no McNabb, that's bad news for Todd Haley and the Chiefs. Eagles 27-13

BROWNS @ RAVENS: Threw the Browns into CAM (Create an Adjective Machine) and it gave us, ungood, uberfutilous, and superawfulicious. Really paints a picture, don't it? The Browns are worse than bad and right now draw comparisons to certain other brown things. And we're not talking about Whatchamacalits, either. Ravens 31-9

GIANTS @ BUCCANEERS: Finally the epic, highly anticipated, kill or be killed, Derrick Ward Bowl I! No? Alright how about the "Most People Could Care Less and Forgot Derrick Ward Wasn't Playing for the Giants, Because Most People Confuse Him With Ahmad Bradshaw Anyway Bowl"? Seems wordy. I'm still not confident in Eli Manning, but I'm less confident in the Buccaneers. Giants 28-17

REDSKINS @ LIONS: Children of the Zorn have not exactly been an offensive juggernaut thus far, making this the trendy upset pick of the week. There's just something in my gut that tells me this isn't the week for the Lions. Of course that feeling could just be indigestion, who knows. Redskins 21-17

PACKERS @ RAMS: So, I picked the Packers to win the Super Bowl, and thus far they are making me look like a simp. But, BUT, this is the week where they turn it all around. Barely beating the Bears? In the past. Losing to the Bengals at home? Forget it! The new season starts Sunday for the Pack, where they will play like a well oiled machine and come 2010, make me look like Notre Damus! Or something to that extent. Packers 35-10

49ERS @ VIKINGS: One of the tougher games to pick this week. A few thoughts here:

1. Settle down Vikings fans, they beat the Browns and the Lions.
2. If the Vikings don't start protecting Brett Favre, they'll be seeing the highly scorned Tavarius Jackson, sooner, rather than later. (Jackson has been so insignificant, I'm not even sure I spelled his first name correctly and I'm not gonna look it up!)
3. May not mean anything, but the Niners have now one six of their last seven under Mike Singletary.
4. Brad Childress may just be a "D-bag". More to come on that.
5. Fact! This will not be a shootout.
6. Vikings 16-13

FALCONS @ PATRIOTS: Now this could be a shootout! Matty Ice's triumphant return to New England and he has been showing a great deal of poise. The Patriots need to prove they are still a tough draw, while the "dirty birds" need to prove they are the real deal. This could also be your typical Patriots statement game. Or not. Should be a fun though. Falcons 31-27

SEAHAWKS @ BEARS: Yeah, so remember when I said as long as Matt Hasselbeck was healthy the Seahawks would dominate the NFC West. I stand by that statement. Bears 24-21

SAINTS @ BILLS: Nothing like a game against the Bucs to right the ship, eh Dick Jauron? Now you can really get things rolling! It's not like you have the highest powered offense in the NFL coming to, oh, wait a tick. The Saints come marching into town Sunday, and Mark Kelso is not walking through that door! Saints 35-27

DOLPHINS @ CHARGERS: In week two, Philip Rivers threw for four-hundred some odd yards against the Ravens....and lost. The Dolphins had the ball for like eighty something percent of the game against the Colts....and lost. Interesting. Chargers 28-24

STEELERS @ BENGALS: Hard to believe, but if not for one miraculous play the Bengals would be 2-0. The Bengals are peskier than street urchins. Trust me, I know. They have pretty much shut down opposing running backs. And that list of running backs includes the one and only Correll Buckhalter, so they are for real. This does not bode will for "Not So Fast" Willie Parker. The Bengals are my upset special of week three. Bengals 27-21

BRONCOS @ RAIDERS: Is there a less intimidating 2-0 team than the Broncos? I submit that there is not! They could very well become the least intimidating 3-0 team ever if they can beat the Raiders. That's probably not asking very much, since JaMarcus Russell is the worst QB in the NFL. Broncos 17-6

COLTS @ CARDINALS: Peyton and the Colts offense should be on the field for more than in Miami. Bad news for the Cardinals. Colts 31-24

PANTHERS @ COWBOYS: They're calling this one the Maligned Quarterback Bowl! Okay, no one is calling that, but it is catchy, don't ya think? No? Eh. Despite the fact the Cowboys have never one a regular season game at Big TV Stadium, I think they'll be alrightish enough to beat the Panthers. Cowboys 28-23

And now you're cheese:

WEEK TWO: DELHOMME ON THE RANGE?

Sorry for the lateness of this weeks picks, but you'll get over it. In some ways week two is even harder to pick than week one. So many questions arise after week one. Will the Texans be this bad all year? Will "Fast" Willie Parker consistently get past the line of scrimmage? Is Jake Delhomme done being decentish? Are the Dolphins headed south? Is Dick Jauron eating? Is the rest of the AFC West catching up to the Chargers faster than we think? Well, we may or may not know the answers to these questions just yet, but we will soon enough. On with the picks!

TEXANS @ TITANS: Can't say I completely understand Chuck Cecil's defensive play calling towards the end of regulation and overtime against the Steelers, but "Chuck Wagon" will have a chance at redemption against the not-so-high-flying Texans in the Titan home opener. The Texans looked utterly baffled by the Jet 3-4 defense and Mark "Not so dirty" Sanchez in week one. Look for another rough week for Steve Slaton, against a very stingy Titan "D", while Chris Johnson and LenDale White run amok. Maybe this week Dunta Robinson can write "Throw it towards me Kerry" on his shoes, since his man will probably be open. Titans 24-17

RAIDERS @ CHIEFS: These two squads share quite a few similarities in this young season. 1) Play in the AFC West, 2) Coached by inexperienced head coaches 3) Predicted to suck, a lot, 4) Were double digit underdogs in week one, 4) Played a lot better than people expected in week one. Now if "Sandy" Cassel can start this week, it'll make some sort of difference, but the "Cable Guy", has got the "Silver and Black" fired up for the first time in like seven years. Plus Tom Cable, at certain angles, resembles Walter Sobchak. It's only a matter of time before an opposing team jumps offsides and he gives the refs an, "OVER THE LINE!" Raiders 27-24 (seems like a boring score until I tell you it's all field goals.)

PATRIOTS @ JETS: Rex Ryan's not going to be kissing any of the Patriots rings this week in the Meadowlands. Huh? Is that general practice? I get what you're saying Rex, but we need to work on your trash talk. Maybe you could have gone with something simple like, "We ain't scared of them." or "Bring it on." (Little known fact: Rex Ryan actually makes his team watch the cinematic classic "Bring it on" nights before games to fire them up. So far he's 1-0 using the uplifting Kirsten Dunst flick, so don't laugh.) Patriots 28-27

BENGALS @ PACKERS: A lot of people, myself included, thought this could be the year of the Bengal, until we checked our Chinese calendars and realized we were in fact wrong. Sure, it did take a miraculous, and extremely lucky, play by the Broncos to beat the Bengals last week, but seven points? SEVEN?! Carson Palmer was back. Maybe not at 100%, but he was back! He should have picked apart that porous Broncos secondary! That was a game the Bengals needed to have, what with a trip to Lambeau looming. Instead it looks like an 0-2 hole coming up for the 'Gals. Packers 30-20

PANTHERS @ FALCONS: Last year in the playoffs Jake Delhomme played one of the worst games a QB could play, until last week, when he upped the ante, playing even worse. Now, Panthers fans, I can understand your frustration, but remember, he did guide your favorite team to a 12-4 record and a playoff birth just last year. He has led them to a Super Bowl. And last week was the first week of the season. Sure that shouldn't be an excuse, but yet, inevitably players will come out and play terribly in opening games, year after year. Call it jitters, call it unreadiness (not a word), call it "Al", doesn't matter. I get it, he could have got a lot of cash for the clunkers he's thrown up there in the last two games. But they were separated by eight months. EIGHT MONTHS! I could understand if it happened in back-to-back weeks, but for now Panthers fans, Jerome Bettis, can we kindly just step away from the panic button, and see what happens? Give the guy a chance at redemption! After all he has given this storied franchise, it's the least you could do. Falcons 24-20

SAINTS @ EAGLES: Even if McNabb plays, Eagles fans can't possibly be sold on him being his usual self. The Eagles defense will keep them in the game, but in the end Drew Brees will just be too darned much for them. Saints 28-24

RAMS @ REDSKINS: Not even sure there's a bright side right now for Rams fans. Um, let's see. Oh, I got it, the Blues' season starts in less than two weeks! Although I guess if you're a Rams fan, the "blues" started some time ago. Zing! 'Skins 27-10

VIKINGS @ LIONS: The good news is the Lions seemed much improved from last year. The bad news is they're still bad. It'll be closer than you think, but when you have Adrian Peterson at your disposal, you tend to win close games. Vikings 21-17

CARDINALS @ JAGUARS: I don't buy into that whole,"west coast teams can't win in the eastern time zone" baloney sandwich they keep serving us. Isn't it possible they just aren't as good as the east coast teams they are playing? look at the five 2008, regular season, eastern time zone losses for the Cardinals- Redskins, Jets, Panthers, Eagles, Patriots. Of those five teams, only the Redskins had a worse record, but they were 8-8, exactly one game worse than the Cardinals. Plus, didn't the Cardinals win in Carolina in the playoffs? Having said that, I'm picking the Jaguars 24-23

BUCCANEERS @ BILLS: Is it just me or does Dick Jauron need to eat something? A couple of times they cut to his hollowed visage, I thought, “If you paint him Boo Berry Blue, he'd look like Skeletor.” Anyway, by the power of Jerry Gray's skull, the defense looked solid on Monday. The special teams, well.....no, I am not going to rehash what happened on Monday night. Bills fans don't need to here it. I'm not gonna bring up the fact they were riding the gravy train with biscuit wheels to victory against the dynastic Patriots. No, because I have class goddammit! Class enough to not mention that Leodis McKelvin should have taken a touchback late in the game or at the very least have just gone down, rather than fight for another unimportant yard, once out of the endzone. Bills fans don't need to be reminded of that or the fact that he fumbled, allowing the Butt Chinned One to need only 31 yards in under two minutes to take a lead they would never relinquish. No, I am not going to talk about any of that! I have too much respect for Bills fans (well the ones I know, at least) to do that to them. That's in the past, my friends, stop bringing it up already, jeez! Time to move on, the Bucs are coming to town, and that's good news Bills fans, because when I plugged the Bucs into my new "Create an Adjective Machine (CAM)” it gave me the word, abysmalistic! Bills 27-14

SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS: Uh-oh, a battle for first place in the NFC West! The Niners may prove all sorts of feisty this year, but in my humble opinion, with a healthy Hasselback, the Seahawks are once again the class of the NFC West. And yes, I have very little to say about either team. Seahawks 21-13.

BROWNS @ BRONCOS: Tough to say if there's a less watchable game this week. I submit that there is not! Yes, it's a battle of Belichik disciples, but that's hardly compelling. Surprised Mangini-us hasn't withheld who his starting QB will be, this week. Although it didn't seem the Vikings needed more than a couple of days to prepare for the Mighty Quinn, go figure? Anyone else think Mangini-us is over-thinking things a bit? I think this may actually be both the least watchable and the hardest to pick game of the week. Honestly, does anyone want to watch this? I thought not. I'm picking the Broncos, only because they're at home. Broncos 9-3

BEARS @ STEELERS: No Urlacher, no Polamalu, no worries! Yes both defenses will be without their lead actors, but they have a decent ensemble cast.. Even better than the ensemble cast of Soapdish! In any event, the QBs will take plenty of the match-up hype in this one. Something tells me the Bears might not lay down on defense if this one is close late, but Jay Cutler is up against more 3-4 shenanigans, which is Bad News Bears, Walter Matthau, for him! Steelers 22-13

RAVENS @ CHARGERS: The Bolts were not all that impressive against the simplistic Man-Safety Raiders defense thrown at them on Monday night. I know, it was a Man-Safety defense because Steve Young mentioned it 700 times in the first half. It's a rough estimate, I didn't actually count. You'd think the Ravens would offer up a slightly more complex defensive game plan, although Brodie Croyle and the Chieves made things a bit Jim J. Bullock, or too close for comfort, on Sunday. But the Ravens did provide us with another great moment in sports gambling history, inexplicably going for another touchdown, late, with the game seemingly in hand, to just beat out that 13-point spread. The Baltimore underworld thanks you Jon “don't call me Jim” Harbaugh. Ravens 28-24

GIANTS @ COWBOYS: Considering “Yugo” Williams and company ran all over the Boys in week one, Brandon Jacobs should have no trouble bowling over them in week two. I wonder if Romo or Eli, upon seeing intense coverage down field will try and hit the Jumbotron, to get a replayed down. Just want to see one of them hurt there arm, is that too much to ask? Ah well, Giants 27-21

COLTS @ DOLPHINS: The Colts juuuuuust edged out the Jags last week, but should have less trouble with the other Floridian squad. Meanwhile the 'Phins are looking to rebound from their week one loss in Hotlanta. I don't see it happening, not with Chad Pennington anyway. Colts 31-14

And here's your cheese:

FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. McNabb's Ribs- Sound like a place I'd go for some good ol' fashioned BBQ, but alas it is not. D-Nabb's ribs, cracked, broke or whatever, should not be tested in Week 2. I'm no doctor, but it seems like it'd be hard to throw a football with rib problems.

14. Jay Cutler Hype- I've said it before and I'll say it again, what exactly has Jay Cutler shown us? Maybe, just maybe, he's an upgrade from Kyle Orton, but really, who isn't?

13. Wildcat- Really I'm just sick of hearing about the "Wildcat". Formations like this and similar to this have been around for ages, but someone has sustained success (game and half or so), gives it a name, and it becomes all the rage. Blah!

12. Eric Mangini- Seems like the Vikings didn't need more than a few days to prepare for Brady Quinn. One can only imagine what would have happened with Derek Anderson at the helm. Does anyone else think Mangini-us is just overthinking everything to find a competitive edge?

11. Texans- The Jets are improved yes, but the Texans just looked baffled out there on Sunday.

10. Reggie Bush- Someday he's gonna prove he can be an RB1, but that seems to be a long way off.

9. Lions- Although improved, losing your 18th game in a row, is still futile.

8. Jon Gruden- Overall, seems to be a nice addition to the booth, but he called Matt Light, Todd Lyght at least three times on Monday night.

7. Todd Lyght- Poor guy's been retired for quite some time now, and he's getting blamed for pressure on Tom Brady. That and from his name you'd think he was white. And I got him confused with Todd Houlihan!

6. Mike and Mike and Steve- Didn't watch the whole game, but what I heard was more than enough for me to not want to listen. Is it just me or does Mike Greenberg have the perfect voice for print media?

5. Buccaneers- They're just not good.

4. Pittsburgh running game- Well Willie Parker got to the line "fast", but tough to gage his speed from that.

3. Chuck Cecil- Maybe there's someone out there who can explain why he stopped applying pressure to Ben Roethlisberger late in the game?

2. Jake Delhomme- Anyone who watched the Carolina game or just read JD's line, knows what I'm talkign about.

1. Leodis McKelvin- Nothing like making a dumb play to, for all intents and purposes, cost your team the game, and have no remorse about it. The thing about this is, Bobby Avril is one of the best Special Teams coaches there is, and I can't imagine he didn't tell Leodis to take a touchback if he could. Am I right? Sure, no guarantee the Bills win anyway, but the odds are probably a lot better, if you don't give Tom Brady the ball at your 31-yard line with about two minutes left.

SUNDAY MORNING AUDIBLE: COOL YOUR JETS

It's finally here! The games now have some sort of meaning. Sure, there was a game played already, but us true football fans know that today is the day when it really gets going! But here are some other truths you should be prepared for as we sit less than two hours away from football:

• Prepare to have your mind blown. I guarantee you, at least 3 things will surpirse you in Week 1.
• Brett Favre will have a decent game, win against the Browns, and start up the Favre praise-a-tron 3000. Let's everyone just settle down before it happens. He's playing THE BROWNS! Also he has Adrian Peterson! Let's not go through last year again, where everyone lauded him for beating the Dolphins, mostly because his receivers bailed him out a couple of times. So please, can we just stop this before it starts?
• Be ready to hear the term "Wildcat" uttered some hundred and seventy odd times. Now remember plenty of teams used versions of the "Wildcat", the Dolphins just used it more, because, well, their standard offense, um, sucked.
  
• Week one is so meaningful and yet so meaningless. I picked the Colts and Eagles to be upset in week one. If this or any other upset occurs, the talking heads, not the band, will be eager to point out all the flaws in said upsetee, and wonder if they are in trouble. Sure, they may be in trouble, but let's wait it out, shall we? Remember last year when the Colts lost the opener, and then barely escaped going 0-2? People were all up in arms, "The Colts aren't the same, they'll have trouble making the playoffs, yada, yada, yada." And lo and behold, somehow they managed to make the playoffs.
• The Dolphins will not be as good as last year, and not just because people are "ready" for the "wildcat", but because they're not good.
• Somewhere a first year coach will win a game. Read nothing into this.
  
• If I'm right and the Colts do lose, the media will say it's because Tony Dungy and Marvin Harrison are gone. But there's a chance they could have lost this game with Dungy and Harrison. Who really knows?
• Eric Mangini, and the rest of the football watching world, will realize the Vikings didn't need more than a week to prepare for Brady Quinn.
• Chad Ochocinco will score a touchdown, and somehow incorporate insulting Skip Bayless in his celebration.
• Pizza Hut will continue to boggle the mind with their "celebrity" endorsers. Tommy Davidson too big for "the Hut", BOOM, enter Jim Breuer. So who could be on-deck? Breckin Meyer? Shirtless Guttenberg, perhaps?
• Shannon Sharpe will sputter more sentence fragments than any other announcer out there.
• Matt Cassel won't start for Kansas City. Well, now they won't beat the Ravens. Try and note the sarcasm.
• Drew Brees will throw for 427 yds and 3 tds against the Lions. Yes his numbers will be down, cause he will sit out the fourth quarter.
• The Redskins and Giants will bore the ever-loving crap out of anyone watching. If you like running between the tackles, inconsistent passers, field position battles and pooch punts, you'll love Giants-Redskins!
• The Buccaneers will be the least relevant fantasy team. Seriously, if you're starting a Buc, you're probably in trouble.

Well, that concludes our first Sunday Morning Audibles of the season, enjoy the games!

WEEK ONE: WHERE'S KITNA?

You've waited and waited and it's here, it's finally here! The football season is practically upon us and with it your much anticipated, highly beloved, "Bitterness" weekly picks! Please, control your excitement, sit back, stop scouring the internet for the collector's edition DVD of "Inside Schwartz" and enjoy! (record in parentheses are our predicted records for the upcoming season)

TENNESSEE (10-6) @ PITTSBURGH (12-4): The Steelers title defense begins Thursday at the Ketchup Packet against the Titans. I don't anticipate this one being a high scoring affair. The Titans will miss "Phat" Albert Haynesworth, sure, but they should still be pretty tough defensively. That being said, I don't think they can "out Steeler" the Steelers in week 1. If this game took place in, say, week eight or nine, or in Tennessee, than maybe I'd give the Titans a better chance. Plus I just don't see Kerry Collins shredding the 'Burgh's "D", now, or ever. It'll be close, but the Champs will be the first team to one win. Steelers 24-17

DOLPHINS (6-10) @ FALCONS (11-5): A matchup of two of last year's surprise teams. As you can see from my predicted records, I feel one of these teams will come crashing back down to earth. The Dolphins will not build on last year's success, win the division, make the playoffs or even finish .500. And no, it's not just cause everyone has had time to prepare for the "Wildcat" (fun drinking game for the upcoming season, drink every time you here an announcer say "Wildcat"), but simply because the Dolphins just won't be as good. Not that the likes of Chad Pennington, Ronnie Brown, Greg Camarillo, Ted Ginn, Jr., and Anthony Fasano aren't an intimidating offense....The Falcons on the other hand are more of the real deal, I think. The addition of Tony Gonzalez, can only help Matty Ice, especially in the Red Zone. Seems like I'd pick the Falcons to blow the Dolphins right outta of the Georgia Dome, but it's week one, and that's where perceptions get blown to smithereens, sooooo.....I'll have the Dirty Birds escaping by the skin of their teeth. Falcons 21-20

CHIEVES (5-11) @ RAVENS (10-6): Everyone needs to just cool their jets on the whole Sand Cassel hypitty-hype, okay? In my mind, he's proven diddily-squat. Last year's numbers were a result of a GOOD "SYSTEM"! He now has a mediocre, at best, offensive line, a disgruntled Larry Johnson and Dwayne Bowe. Yes, THE Dwayne Bowe. Hardly the fixins for a Playoff gravy train, if you ask me. The Ravens, will be the Ravens. Yes Rex Ryan is gone, but the defense is still Top 5 and Ray Rice is gonna run silly. As in he will run for a lot of yards, not in a silly looking manner. Plus Joe Flacco "Seagulls" (thanks Bill), in theory, should only get better, especially with Todd Heap-ing Helping returning to form.
Ravens 24-13

EAGLES (10-6) @ PANTHERS (8-8): Hopes are high yet again in Philly, and that is somewhat warranted, but McNabb and Westbrook are old by NFL standards. They'll be competitive as usual, but don't go expecting a Super Bowl title or anything fancy like that. Meanwhile, don't sleep on the Panthers. I have them going 8-8, but anything can happen in that wacky NFC South. If Jakey D stays healthy the Panthers could, COULD, turn some heads. I really think they could be anywhere from 6-10 to 11-5. Panthers 27-21

BRONCOS (4-12) @ BENGALS (8-8): Watch out for the Bengals! Remember when the Bengals were the up and coming team of the future? That seemed to fade pretty fast, which means it's the perfect time for Cincy to sneak up on the rest of the league. The Broncos, however, will not be sneaking up anyone. Are they really ready to build an offense around Kyle Orton? But, Josh McD made "Sandy" Cassel look good in New England, so who knows, maybe he can make Orton, extra-Ortonary? And people make a lot out of the former Pats coaches, but what have they done? Mangini was run out of NY, Romeo Crennel did nothing in Cleveland, Charlie Weis helped guide Notre Dame to one of their worst seasons ever. Hardly a stellar selling point. I'll remain skeptical for now. Bengals 35-20

VIKINGS (11-5) @ BROWNS (3-13): Has anyone tarnished their legacy, more than Brett Favre? Remember the Vikes made the playoffs last year, with limited help from the quarterback position, so Favre makes them a borderline Super Bowl contender, now that opposing defenses will have to respect the pass, as well as the run. And they better be a contender, since Favre is a one and done, and they have pretty much insulted their other QBs. The Browns were, the "it" team heading into last season, but they ended up being more of a sh-, well you know. Can Mangenius turn this around? Not this year. Peterson runs wild! Vikings 23-9

JETS (7-9) @ TEXANS (9-7): The Texans should be a tough draw, week in and week out, for sure. Schaub, Slaton and Johnson make for a potent offense, while Ryans and Williams anchor what should be a pretty solid defense. The Jets should also have a stellar defense under Rex Ryan, but the quaterback situation is, well, not so great. Now, I'll try not to dirty Sanchez's reputation too early, but personally I'm not sold on the former Trojan man in any way, shape or form. Texans 28-14

JAGUARS (6-10) @ COLTS (11-5): Seems like not too long ago, this was a premiere AFC South slugfest, buuuuuuuuuut......The Jaguars have been heading in the wrong direction for quite some time now. Inconsisteny has been the main problem in Jacksonville, but they hope to have improved the team chemistry in the offseason to help with that. The Colts are, still the Colts, even with Jim Caldwell at the helm. Now, this is the game to get the Colts, I feel. That is why I am making this my week one UPSET SPECIAL! Jaguars 17-16

LIONS (3-13)@ SAINTS (11-5): Yes, I have more than likely, highly, overrated the Saints, but they are, I believe, very good. Drew Brees will take another whack at the passing yardage record, and the defense with Gregg Williams should be more than passable. Then there's the Lions. Ah, the Lions. The NFL's favorite punchline. The good news is the Lions should be better than last year. The bad news is, they'll still be bad, since it would be almost impossible to be worse than last year. But more good news for Matthew Stafford and Jim "Inside" Schwartz, as expectations are low, since they literally can't lose more games than last year's team. Sounds great. Saints 38-17

COWBOYS (11-5)@ BUCCANEERS (3-13): The 'Boys should be good, but not great, just like the last few years. No more T.O., no more Pacman, no more Q-bert. The only thing keeping Dallas from being serious contenders, in my mind, is Wade Phillips. Seems like a nice guy, but I don't think he's got the killer instinct to take them to the next level. I may have given the Bucs more wins thna they'll actually get. There's a good chance they'll be atrocious. But, the future is bright! Jon Gruden thinks Josh Freeman will be the "toast of Tampa" late in the season. Of course Jon Gruden also had me sold on Bruce Gradkowski , and, well, let's just say that didn't really pan out.......Cowboys 27-16

49ERS (4-12) @ ARIZONA (10-6): The Cardinals have high expectations after last year's Super Bowl trip, and should be able to avoid a let down this year. But a lot if that depends on Kurt Warner and if he can make it through another entire season. If he does they are once again a high-flying offense, with playoff aspirations. I'm not gonna sugar coat this, but The Niners don't have a lot of positives. But hey, if Michael Crabtree ever signs, he could provide a minor spark? I dunno, I tried San Franciscans. Cardinals 31-17

REDSKINS (6-10) @ GIANTS (11-5): This should be another exciting Redskins-Giants opener. The G-men should harass Jason Campbell and make him look even worse than he is, which is no easy task. Eli's overrated, but the defense and running game should help overshadow that in week one and, well, most of the season. Jason Campbell will have that luxury as well, but too a lesser extent. Giants 17-9

RAMS (1-15) @ SEAHAWKS (11-5): I'd call the Seahawks a sleeper pick, but I think plenty of people are aware of them, and hence, not sleeping on them. If Hasslebeck and his receivers manage to stay healthy, this is the team to beat in the NFC West. The Rams are gonna be at least as bad as last year. In all honesty I struggled to find them a win at this point, so it won't take much for them to surprise me. Seahawks 38-17

BEARS (10-6) @ PACKERS (12-4): I, among others, am high on the Packers, which means they will more than likely go 6-10 and not make the playoffs. But seriously, this is the year Aaron Rodgers makes Green Bay forget all about Brett Favre. Until the Packers play the Vikings in week four on Monday Night Football. The Bears are solid, but are the third best team in this division. And when did Jay Cutler become a savior? Has he ever proven himself? I'm not entirely sold on Jay-C as a clutch QB, but I'll guess we'll find out pretty quickly, how good he his, going to Lambeau on Sunday night, then hosting the Steelers in week two. Packers 20-12

BILLS (4-12) @ PATRIOTS (13-3): If Tom Brady goes down again, the Patriots could probably still win the AFC East this year. The Bills can really only surprise me from here. Their preseason was less than impressive, and they fired their OC days before the season starts. They have T.O., but can Trent Edwards keep him happy? More importantly can the Bills keep the fans happy? My guess is no, and this could be the beginning of the end for Dick Jauron, and the beginning of the beginning for Alex Van Pelt. Just give him a clipboard and let him create. Patriots 28-9

CHARGERS (11-5) @ RAIDERS (3-13): I do like that they give us two Monday night openers these days, but the drawback is the second game has to be in the Pacific time zone and too many times we get stuck with the Raiders. Now granted, a high profile matchup would only anger us East Coasters, cause we would want to stay up and watch it, so I guess it's lose-lose for ESPN. Maybe they should just go back to one game? I'm just saying, it doesn't do anyone anyone any good to add a game just for the sake of adding it. Does anyone think this will be a good game? Did anyone circle it on the schedule as a must watch? Did anyone notice how I avoided really talking about either of these teams in this blurb? Is blurb the right word for this? Do you care? Do I still have your attention? Do I still care at this point in the post? Chargers 31-10

And now my season predictions (asterisks indicate wild cards):
AFC East: Pats (13-3), Jets (7-9),'Phins (6-10), Bills (4-12)
AFC North: Steelers (13-3), *Ravens (11-5), Bengals (8-8), Browns (3-13)
AFC South: Colts (11-5), *Titans (10-6), Texans (9-7), Jags (6-10)
AFC West: Bolts (11-5), Chiefs (5-11), Broncos (4-12), Raiders (3-13)

NFC East: Giants (11-5), *Cowboys (11-5), Eagles (10-6), 'Skins (6-10)
NFC North: Pack (12-4), *Vikes (11-5), Bears (10-6), Lions (3-13)
NFC South: Saints (12-4), Falcons (10-6), Panthers (6-10), Bucs (3-13)
NFC West: Seahawks (11-5), Cardinals (10-6), 49ers (4-12), Rams (1-15)

AFC Championship: Chargers over Steelers
NFC Championship: Packers over Seahawks

Super Bowl: Packers over Chargers

If you're mad about any of my predictions, just remember my preseason picks, are rarely correct.

And now your cheese: