WEEK SEVENTEEN: A CLOCKWORK KITNA

Well here it is the final week of the NFL regular season and there are still many questions to be answered. Will the Lions remain perfectly futile? Did Rod Marinelli fire his team up by showing them Necessary Roughness last night? Who will secure those precious last few playoff spots? Where is the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Team"? Will Plaxico Burress be arrested again before the year ends? If the Jets and Pats win, will Eric Mangini be invited to the Belichik compound for Ostrichburgers? Who shot Kennedy? Are the Giants good this week? Of those who don't need wins this week, how many will play their starters? Where's the beef? What are the 23 flavors involved in the make-up of Dr. Pepper? And how many flavors are used to make Mr. Pibb? And aside from a medical degree, what is the difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb? Is Tom Brady engaged? Do you care? When will Breckin Meyer be recognized by the Academy? Not for an award, I mean when will they actually recognize him? Like on the street or something. Who will win the 138th Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Shirtless Gutenburg Awards? Does anyone care what this guy thinks? Is this the best beer blog going? Was that a shameless plug? Maybe you should ask this guy? Or how about this guy? Well, while that is a lot to tackle, I'm pretty sure Week 17 in the NFL should answer just about all of those questions and the some. But before we get to the picks, we have to address a couple of things for our loyal readers. Yes, all seven of them.

First off y'all are probably wondering why I would dis Lil Baby Jesus ( not to be confused with Big Baby Jesus of course) by not posting the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Football Team". It was mostly a time crunch thing, coupled with the fact that we were away from "Bitterness" HQ for a couple of days. So how are we gonna rectify this injustice? Well, we'll throw it in right here, after we tackle another concern that has haunted us these past few days. We made a big omission from the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch All-Hannukah Team Presented by Boku and Richard Lewis" and we need to rectify that situation shortly, right after we make you aware that we have just set a new "Bitterness" record for number of times using the word "rectify" in a post. Now, on with the show. We regret the omission of Tyson "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of" Clabo, and sincerely apologize for such a large oversight. We take playing with people's names very seriously here at "Bitterness", and would never purposefully make such a large oversight and hope you can forgive us and will continue to make us your number one place for sillified nicknames. Now, that being said here is the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Swiss Miss All-Christmas Football Team":

QB- Jake Delhomme "For the Holidays"
RB- Steve "One horse open" Slaton
RB- "Jingle Bell" Rock Cartwright
WR- Reggie A-Wayne "In a Manger"
WR- Chris Horn-"aments"
TE- Justin "Let it" Snow
OL- Mike Gandy "Cane"
OL- Trent Cole "In Your Stocking"
OL- Nick Mangold "Frankincense and Myrhh"
OL- Travis "Little Drummer" LaBoy
OL- "Good" King "Wencelas" Dunlap

DL- Leonard Little "Town of Bethlehem"
DL- Ebenezer "Scrooge" Ekuban
DL- Raheem "Jingle Bell" Brock
DL- Chris Canty "Cane"
LB- "Mistle" Tony Gilbert
LB- Tully "Candy" Banta-Cain
LB- Vernon Gholston "Of Christmas Past"
CB- Davon "Boughs of" Holly
CB- Ahmad "Christmas" Carroll
S- Donte Whittner "Wonderland"
S- Quentin "Gold, Franincense and" Jammer

K- Robbie Gould "Frankincense and Myrhh"
P- Sav Rocca "Round the Christmas Tree"

And now the picks:
RAMS @ FALCONS: The Falcons, yes the Falcons could still get a home playoff game! Not only could they get a home game, they could get a first round bye! Unbelievable! Falcons 37-15.

RAIDERS @ BUCCANEERS: The Gruden Bowl and a Super Bowl rematch fom years ago. What's not to love? Yeah, I know. Buccaneers 24-23.



LIONS @ PACKERS: This could have as much interest as any game on the docket. Can the Lions be the first 16 loss team in NFL history? We'd all like to think so, but will the Packers care that much? I would say the Packers will be fighting tooth and nail to win this one. Some might say why not just lay down, its a virtually meaningless game for the Pack. Well, think about it though. Aside from marring your franchise name in the football anals, there can't be a lot of pride in being the only team to lose to lose to the Lions. Packers 37-14.



BROWNS @ STEELERS: Its been a rough year in Cleveland, but a win here could end the season on a high note for the Brownies. Steelers 27-17.

GIANTS @ VIKINGS: Obviously this means a lot more to the Vikes than it does the G-Men, but will the Tom "turn and" Coughlin be goign full force in this one? Now some people look down on teams resting their starters, against a team who holds playoff implications in its hands, but with several big names like Kevin "Big Boss Man" and Brandon Jacobs listed as doubtful, why would you risk it? I realize the Gaints have a bye week coming up to rest, but that won't matter if BJ is knocked out for the playoffs, will it? Vikings 14-13.

PATRIOTS @ BILLS: The Bills are playing their playoff game right here. Pats 21-17.

BEARS @ TEXANS: Ditto for the Texans. Bears in need a of a win to win the division, but me thinks they'll have a rough trip to Texas. Texans 17-13.

TITANS @ COLTS: Another meaning less Colts-Titans skirmish, yay. At least this year both teams can play the backups. Colts 24-20.

CHIEFS @ BENGALS: The matchup everyone circled on their calendars when this years schedules were announced. I mean what do you say that hasn't already been said about a game between two awful teams on the final Sunday of the regular season? If the Bengals win, that could drop them out of the coveted #4 draft pick. In fact the win could end up dropping the Bengals down a few spots come April. A Chiefs win clinches the #3 Draft Pick in April, but a loss doesn't necessarily give them that coveted #2 pick either, unless the Rams win. This one may have more implications than any other game today. Bengals 14-10.

PANTHERS @ SAINTS: Simple, Panthers win they take the division and get a first round bye. All that stands in their way is Drew Brees and the mighty Saints. Panthers 27-21.

JAGUARS @ RAVENS: All that stands between the Ravens and the playoffs is the Jaguars, who haven't had an inspired performance since last December. Hmm, let me think. Ravens 23-7.

SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS: Seahawks, probably against the Cards backups. Seahawks 11-9.

DOLPHINS @ JETS: Eh, if you follow football you already know everything you need to know about this one and are probably already tired of it. I'm not even gonna talk about Brett Favre screwing the Pats several years ago by losing to the Jets in the final week, in essence eliminating the Pats from the playoffs. Not one word, I swear. Jets 33-28.
REDSKINS @ NINERS: Niners 31-28.

COWBOYS @ EAGLES: Well here's the Eagles scenario. For them to make the playoffs, they need to beat the Cowboys, have Tampa Bay lose to the Raiders, have Minnesota or Chicago lose, then they need the moon to align with Jupiter, hell to freeze over, and pigs to fly. Easy. Well, at least they can still play spoiler to the Cowboys. Eagles 27-23.

BRONCOS @ CHARGERS: Well it all comes down to this in the AFC West. A Chargers win and Ed Hochuli can sleep a bit easier. A Broncos win and well, maybe he can't. What am I his psychiatrist? Chargers 37-31.

BEST WISHES!

Happy Boxing Day from "Bitterness" and Soda Popinski!

HANNUKAH HIJINX

Its the first day of Hannukah, so here's the 63rd Annual "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch" National Football League Kosher All- Hannukah Team presented by Richard Lewis and Boku. Now of course as usual this will feature only current NFL Players, so it will not include Keith "Rab"Byars, Stan "Gelt"baugh, Herman"orah" Moore, Alex Van Gelt, Al "Drei"Del Greco, or Lyle Alzado. So on with the show!

QB- SHAUN HILL-"EL", SF
RB- MENO-RASHAD MENDENHALL, PIT
WR- "KISLEV"-ERNEUS COLES, NYJ
WR- TROY-VAY WILLIAMSON, JAX
WR- ANTWAAN DREIDEL-EL, WAS
TE- TALIS CLARK, IND

YOU CAN BET ALL YOUR GELT ON THIS OFFENSIVE LINE:
OL- GELT-ON BROWN, ARI
OL- ROBERT GELT-ON, OAK
OL- NICK "LATKE", STL
OL- MATT "FESTIVAL OF" LIGHT, NE
OL- JON JANSEN"AGOGUE", WAS

DL- OSI U-MENORAH, NYG
DL- AARON KAMPMAN-ORAH,GB
DL- "MENO"- RAHEEM BROCK, IND
DL- DRE "DEL" MOORE, TB
LB- CATO JEW-N, TB
LB- JON MACA-BEASON, CAR
LB- "LAT"KEYARON FOX, PIT
CB- JASON "STAR OF" DAVID, NO
CB- DRE'-"DEL" BLY, DEN
S- KO "SHER" SIMPSON, BUF
S- HANIK"AH" MILLIGAN, STL

P- BRIAN MOORMAN"ORAH", BUF
K- "STAR OF" DAVID AKERS, PHI

WEEK SIXTEEN: KITNA FOR $800 ALEX

Alright we have a lot on our plate right now so we're gonna have to "quick hit" this weeks picks, with some help from Alex Trebeck:



COLTS @ JAGUARS: What is a game that looked better on the schedule before the season started? Colts 24-14.

RAVENS @ COWBOYS: What is a must win game? Ravens 21-17.

CARDINALS @ PATRIOTS: What is the Cardinals chance to prove themselves? Patriots 42- 35.

SAINTS @ LIONS: What is one game closer to futility history? Saints 45-28.

49ERS @ RAMS: What is a chance for both coaches to try and boost their odds of getting rehired? or What is a chance for Mike Singletary to drop his pants? Niners 24-13.


DOLPHINS @ CHIEFS: What is not Tyler Thigpen's coming out party? Dolphins 24-20.

BENGALS @ BROWNS: What is the battle of underachieving wideouts? Browns 23-20.

CHARGERS @ BUCCANEERS: What is a previously overrated team against a recently overrated team? Buccaneers 28-24.

STEELERS @ TITANS: What is the battle for AFC supremacy? Steelers 19-14.

TEXANS @ RAIDERS: What is a game of very little interest to anyone? Texans 35-17.

BILLS @ BRONCOS: What is "wait 'til next year"? Bills 23-21.

JETS @ SEAHAWKS: What is Brett Favre turning water into wine? Jets 31-21.

EAGLES @ REDSKINS: What is the NFC East toss-up game of the week? Redskins 14-13.


FALCONS @ VIKINGS: What is a rematch of a game Minnesotans are still drinking to forget? Falcons 23-21.

PANTHERS @ GIANTS: What is a battle of former Kerry Collins employers, looking for home field advantage throughout the NFC Playoffs? Panthers 24-16.

PACKERS @ BEARS: What is the game that could salvage a ho-hum Packer season in some minds? Bears 21-10.

ROUNDOFFS: TIME TO REMEMBER

• Remember several weeks ago when the Giants, Redskins, and Cowboys were gonna be the three NFC east teams heading to the playoffs?
• Or how about when Donovan NcNabb didn't know that tying was possible and the Eagles were done for?
• Or, or how about when everyone thought the Bills could put the wagon in cruise control and coast into the playoffs?
• Or when Brett Favre was fallible?
• Or when Chris Berman was original and funny?
• Or when Sportscenter was actually informative and funny?
• Or when Mike Vick wasn't in prison?
• Or remember Dante Hall?
• Or when Devin Hester was a return threat?
• Or when Ladanian Tomlinson was a threat at all?
• Or how about when Kerry Collins was just a drunken punchline?
• Or when Gus Frerotte was just a punchline?
• Or when people in "the know" expected big things from the Jaguars?
• Or when Chad Ocho Cinco was just Chad Johnson, and actually caught passes?
• Or when Marvin Lewis cared?
• Or when the Rams were turning their season around with Jim Haslett?
• Or when the Panthers weren't the best team in football?
• Or when people cared about the Pro Bowl rosters? Okay I guess that was probably never true.
• Or how Romeo Crennel was a genius?
• Or when Pacman Jones wasn't in trouble?
• Or when the Bengals showed promise and were on the rise?
  
• Or when no one knew how clueless Andy Reid was?
• Or when John Madden provided insight?
• Or when Sean Payton and the Saints were ready to take the world by storm?
• Or when people thought Aaron Rodgers would make Green Bay forget about Brett Favre?
• Or when no one had heard of Tyler Thigpen?
• Or Dan Orlovsky?
• Or when there were some creative end zone dances?
• Or when you didn't love you some "Shirtless Gutenburg"?

WEEK FIFTEEN:

Little late with the picks this week, which you obviously already know. And since we're feelin' lazy this week, we thought we'd hand this week's picks over to a guest blogger. Someone who is more into ranting on Sundays. An icon in the journalism field. A man who has been spinnin' crazy for like a two hundred some odd years. That's right, the one, the only Andy Rooney.....


LIONS @ COLTS: If the Lions won a game, it would take a lot of the fun out of ridiculing them. Colts 31-17.

REDSKINS @ BENGALS: Some Indians are offended by the name "Redskins". Personally I find it offensive that people from India have any say in the matter. I liked Ghandi, he was a great house guest. Didn't eat much and picked up after himself. Now he's an Indian I respect. Redskins 23-14.

BILLS @ JETS: The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Brett Favre is not your average person, he's from Mississippi. I was in Mississippi once, and that was one more time than I wanted to be. Bills 17-13.

49ERS @ DOLPHINS: Did you ever notice that 1930 "niners" smell like pickled onions? I don't know why, but its always made me like them. As for Dolphins, the only one I ever liked was Flipper. If he could have survived on land it would have been some sort of crazy science-fiction show, like Will and Grace. Dolphins 21-17.


CHARGERS @ CHIEFS: Some say the forward pass reinvented the game of football. But I still wouldn't play without wearing a helmet. Chargers 27-20.

TITANS @ TEXANS: When I eat ribs, I stuff a napkin in my shirt, so it folds out and covers the front. Some people think this is embarrassing, but I guess I'm just one of those kooks who doesn't like barbecue sauce on my shirt. Titans 10-9.

BUCCANEERS @ FALCONS: People will genuinely accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe. Falcons 21-14.

PACKERS @ JAGUARS: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50 percent chance of winning, there's a 90% probability you'll lose. Packers 27-17.

SEAHAWKS @ RAMS: I've never found the humor in flatulence. To me its about as funny as yawning and slightly less humorous than sneezing. Seahawks 35-27.

BRONCOS @ PANTHERS: Football's alright, but nothing quite matches the grace and carnage of a good ol' fashioned roller derby. Girls in short skirts on roller skates are the real athletes. Put a three hundred pound offensive lineman up on roller skates, and see what you get. Your bound to be entertained, but he won't. Panthers 27-17.

PATRIOTS @ RAIDERS: A great way to save money in these trying times, is to stop "mega-sizing" your fast food value meals. In most cases its not even worth the extra 39 cents, and before long you won't even miss it. Patriots 38-13.

STEELERS @ RAVENS: At a Christmas party last year I got drunk on rum raisin ice cream. It made me wonder why there's no scotch raisin ice cream? When I woke up the next morning I was on the floor in a puddle of scotch, heavenly hash ice cream and raisins. Come to think of it, there was no ice cream at that party. Steelers 24-21.


VIKINGS @ CARDINALS: In my mind "delicacy" is just another word for creepy, weird food that others won't want to eat. I mean, some foreign delicacies include bull testicles, monkey brains and eggplant. If slapping the word "delicacy" on them is supposed to make it more appetizing, then I'm the Easter bunny. Note: I am not, in fact, the Easter bunny. Cardinals 30-21.

GIANTS @ COWBOYS: We may never know what the smartest animal is, but I'd like to register my vote for the pigeon. Cowboys 24-23.

BROWNS @ EAGLES: Did you ever wonder what the deal is with this "Shirtless Gutenburg"? Where exactly is his shirt, and how did he lose it? Is this supposed to be entertaining? Cause I just don't get it? Sure we'd all just love to rip our shirts off, stick our hairy chests out and grin, but we don't. You never see a "Shirtless Rooney" do ya? Unless you're talking about that hack Mickey! Eagles 17-13.

PLAXICO BURRESS: BEST WING MAN EVER

Now normally, I am not one to stick up for Plaxico Burress, mostly because I have hated him since birth. His, not mine. I feel like he is undeservedly getting a bad wrap these days. I mean, I just hate him because he's a cocky, overrated, annoying wide reciever who plays for the Giants, but not for all this latest ballyhoo. Okay, so he brought an illegal firearm into a club and accidentally shot himself in the leg. But I think everyone is missing the big picture here. Now, before I proceed, let me just, for legal purposes, say that we here at "Bitterness" do not, in any way, shape or form endorse breaking the law or carrying guns. Now, is Plax dumb? Yes. Is he a cock blocker? No.



You see it took some time for Plax to get to the hospital after he assaulted himself. What isn't being heavily reported is he was in the club for a good hour or so after inflicting himself. Why would he possibly do such a thing? Because he's a good wing man. His boy Antonio Pierce was with him, trying to get his, as the kids say, "swerve" on. You try and tell me if you are out with one of your "boys" painting the town red, and you shoot yourself and with an illegal firearm, you ain't gonna cry like a little schoolgirl and immediately ask your friend, who is probably about to "get things done" with some feisty femininas, to take your sorry ass to the hospital? Yeah, that's what I thought. No, Plax sucked it up and stayed there, risking all sorts of infections, who knows how many diseases, and possible risk of amputation, so his friend could get a "piece"! Avoiding the ultimate "cock block", Plax took one for a friend. He toughed it out so his "boy" Antonio could lay the groundwork. Plus when AP needs that little extra oomph in his "game", he be like, "Oh my god, my friend's been shot, I gotta get him help!" BOOM! Now the feisty femininas see Antonio's sensitive side. SHAZAM!

So, next time you all want to go and judge Plaxico, maybe you should take a deeper look, and ask yourselves, "Would any of my friends shoot themselves and still be help me get laid?" Something to think about.

ABOVE THE NORM

Figured no one saw this cause, well, it was the ESPYs. Watch for Ken Griffey Junior's reactions, they are priceless. Actually, not a lot of people know this, but Ken Griffey, Jr. was actually called the worst audience particpant Cirque du Soleil had ever seen until Wayne Jarvis came along. Enjoy!

FRIDAY NIGHT BYTES: IF YOU CAN DODGE A CAR.....

WEEK FOURTEEN: GREEN EGGS AND KITNA

For this week's picks we're gonna get our Seuss on:

RAMS are at CARDINALS, two touchdown dogs. Rams look to be playing in all sorts of fogs. Warner and company score points in bunches, Haslett and the Rams continually take punches. The Cardinals will win undoubtedly, by a lopsided score of 31 to one-three.

The BROWNS head to Nashville to clash with the TITANS. But will we have any Braylon Edwards sightins? Titans should have no problems here, the Browns should be looking on, towards next year. With slashes and dashes from Jeff Fisher's men, Titans will win 27-10.

BENGALS and COLTS will spar in Indy, a regular old-fashioned barbindy. Colts have the playoffs in their sight, Bengals time to go fly a kite. Coach Dungy should be feeling fine, after the Colts win by nine.

CHARGERS will be looking to thump the RAIDERS, and in so doing dismiss some haters. Razzle madazzle riggledy-do, Chargers will bin by 22.

CHIEFS and BRONCOS will meet in Denver, probably leading to more Broncos splendor. Cutler should have a fantastical day, zipping that ball every which way. Boom, frack, lima bean, Broncs win by seventeen.

VIKINGS and LIONS gettin' ready to tussle, with Vikings missing some of their muscle. Zip, zap, gizzards goo, Lions will be lucky if they lose by less then thirty-two.

EAGLES at GIANTS in a big time scruzzle, McNabb and Reid causing all sorts of buzzle. Giants are rolling, rolling, rolling along, while the Eagles are trapped in some tragic song. Whoops and woos, hollers, gazoos, 17-7, Eagles will lose.

JAGUARS and BEARS headed for a dazzley-do, with zizzle and zazzle and slight bally-hoo. Urlacher will run, he will crunch, Jaguars will be the Bears' lunch. Bears win 21-12, leaving the Jags none so swelve.

TEXANS at PACKERS, hardly a scrubber, Packers should give the Texans a drubber. Packers will look pretty keen, winning 20-thirteen.

REDSKINS and RAVENS ready for a bamboosher, rabblin and rubblin' down for a swoosher. Its Lewis and Taylor in a mabmle badamble, chasing down Flacco and yes Campbell. A down and dirty funleven, Redskins will beat 'em 13-seven.

PATRIOTS at SEAHAWKS ready for a jumbo jambaloo, Bill Belichik twenty-three skadoo. Pats need victory, over the hawks of the sea. With Cassel a -hurlin' away, Seahawks are in for a long, long day. Seattle be prepared for big humberdeen, Patriots on top 37-seventeen.

JETS at NINERS zip, zip, zizazzle, old man Favre king of the cazzle. The slinger for sure will better the Gore. Jets are goodies, the Niners poor, Jets win it 31-24.

FALCONS at SAINTS for Sunday go fun day, loser goes away. Brees a-huckin and chuckin, Falcons a-pluckin'! If Falcons could win it'd be great, but me thinks Saints triumph 31-twenty-eight.

COWBOYS and STEELERS headed for a blammy jammy, with Roethlisberger and Romo ready to slammy. Snoddlers, weezlers, an Hines Ward, Steelers over Cowboys 28-twenty four.

BUCCANEERS mash with PANTHERS in a jibberty wiggit, you know Steve Smith will soytantly dig it. Bucs in need of a splash, must block up the Panthers' dash. Bucs won't like the final score, Panthers razzle by four.

DOLPHINS and BILLS jumbled up in Canada, Bills hoping to bring plenty of fan-ada. Should be a regular clap-dangler, with the Bills playing the part of the mooble-mop mangler. Slippity, slappity if you know what I mean, Bills take it 20-thirteen.

SUNDAY MORNING AUDIBLES

Well, tis that time of year folks!

• Time for the Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb out of Philly speculations to hit us full force!
• For the Eagles to slowly fade out of the playoff picture, due to all the McNabb-Reid foofarah.
  
• For the Lions to decide who's future they are going to ruin by drafting them come April.
• For Jim Haslett to try and spruce up the old resume.
• For a primadonna, let's call him Chad, on a losing team to voice his opinions about upper management and being tired of losing, wanting to play somewhere else, and in no way trying to improve the team by playing better or motivating teammates.
• For Browns fans to start checking out the Indians offseason activity.
• For people to start wondering why there aren't more Thanksgiving movies? Or really any about the actual first Thanksgiving? I'm seeing Mel Gibson as Miles Standish? Just use the Braveheart/ Patriot template, but have their victory be supper with the natives. Either that or an action packed romp that will a-maize you! Jason Statham is....The Pilgrim. With Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Massasoit! Coming Fall of 2010!
• For Steelers fans to annoy the crap out of you. Well that one's actually all year round.
• For all the pundits to start comparing teams this season to those of last season. You know like, the Jets are looking a lot like last year's Giants, the Colts are looking a lot like last year's Giants, any team that struggled at the start of the season but is winning now is looking a lot like last year's Giants, and the Rams are looking a lot like last year's, well, Rams.
• For people to wonder why Wayne Fontes isn't coaching in the NFL?
• Or why Rod Marinelli is?
• Or why Marvin Lewis is?
• Or why Herm Edwards is?
• For Al Davis to give his army of the undead a few weeks off. Just kidding! He would never give them time off! There are souls to be harvested!
  
• For people to get extra mad that there's a Thanksgiving game they can't watch, cause the powers that be don't deem it necessary for everyone to get the NFL Network. Goddamit it's every American's God given right to watch the Eagles and Cardinals play! I'm pretty sure its one of the Amendments to the Constitution.
• For the Bills to give their fans that small glimmer of hope and once again miss the playoffs. Sorry Bills fans, no disrespect meant, but its true. But let me tell you this, its not your fault......its not your fault.........its not your fault.
• For America to fall in love with Peyton Manning all over again.
  
• For Chiefs fans to wonder when exactly their favorite squad is gonna start rebuilding.
• For Romeo Crennel to wonder if anyone would mind if he took the last peice of pumpkin pie?
• For us to watch 8700 Christmas movies that we've already watched 8700 times!
  
• For many to question the freshness of all those leftovers in the fridge? Just go by Tom Cable's motto, "if it ain't comletely green its clean!" Yes I know a lot of people are gonna say what about those left over peas and green beans, well the Cable Guy stands by his motto. I mean seriously does he look like I guy who's ordering the "mixed greens" as a side at dinner? Uh-uh. You are looking at slaw (extra mayo, and we don't mean Jerod) or baked bean man right there!
• Bills fans, its not your fault.
  
• For the Patriots to figure out what to get Coach Belichick for Christmas. Drew Bledsoe's still beating heart is high on the list, but by far the most tricky. They may just go with the old standby of a hooded sweatshirt with frayed sleeves. What? You thought that's how Belichick wants to dress? No, no, no. Those sideline outfits are gifts from the boys. Usually its Tedy Bruschi heading up the charge, but sometimes Forehead, I mean Vrabel, helps out. Double B just wears them for his team. Like when your dad wears that ugly light-up tie you got him for Father's Day, even though he hates it. Yeah, so think about that, the next time you make fun of BBs attire.
  
  
  
• For people to really latch onto those bandwagons! Let's say Arizona and, I dunno, Tennessee? Miami?
  
• For everyone to be bombarded with the media's, "Greatness of Favre" segments. Oh wait, that's another all year rounder.
• For Terrell Owens to blow up! Unfortuantely I don't mean in a literal sense, sorry. I mean in the sense that crazy will come shootin' out his mouth at an alarming rate.
  
• For Kerry Collins to break out his very special Egg Nog. Rumor has it he uses actual lighter fluid.
• Bills fans, I mean it! It is not your fault.
  
• For NFL Films to start getting those clever titles and narration ready to encapsulate the seasons of all 31 teams. You're probably wondering about the 31, huh? Well, this is breaking news that only we here at "Bitterness" have, but the Lions have actually seceded from the NFL. Okay, that's not true, but they do suck something awful. Its gonna be hard to put a shine on the Detroit Lions '08-'09 season. Lions Yearbook: If Losing Were Winning, They'd Be Pretty Great! or Lions: Lose or Die Trying! I'm sure they'll come up with something great! Somehow I don't think "The Roar and More" is gonna cut it.
  
  
  
• For Christmas Berman, see what I did there, to go out and stock up on more ugly suit jackets on sale! Maybe he'll see Craig Sager?
• And of course, for everyone to wonder just how dominant the Panthers would be if they still had Rae Carruth?
  

FRRIDAY NIGHT BYTES: TIME FOR A GOOD SPANKING

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

WEEK THIRTEEN: KITNA CASSEROLE

SEAHAWKS @ COWBOYS: Looks like turkey won't be the only bird the 'Boys will be feasting upon on Thursday. They'll get a fresh plate of Seahawk for an early dinner. Cowboys 31-16


TITANS @ LIONS: Rest assured the Titans will be looking to "squash" the winless Lions on Thursday, especially after having their turkey cooked by the Jets on Sunday. Now, barring some sort of Thanksgiving Day miracle, the Titans will have their way. Titans 27-13


49ERS @ BILLS: Nothing like a trip to Kansas City to right the ship for the Williams. And it don't get much harder this week as the Niners are in town, which should be gravy for the Buffalonians. Bills 31-21


RAVENS @ BENGALS: Probably not gonna be close enough for Matt Stover "Top stuffing" to make a difference in this one. Ravens 27- 17




DOLPHINS @ RAMS: The 'Phins will look to carve up that Rams defense with that carving knife they like to call the Wildcat. And I'm guessing they will. Dolphins 31-10


COLTS @ BROWNS: Its a Cleveland Brown Thanksgiving. With Derek Anderson as Linus. Unfortunately, unlike a nice little half-hour cartoon, there probably won't be a happy, sugary sweet, family friendly ending for the boys from Cleveland. Colts 31-20


PANTHERS @ PACKERS: Well, most people will be Delhomme for the holidays to enjoy this gritty rematch of the 1997 NFC Championship Game. But that was over a decade ago, so the faces have sure changed. Kerry Collins and Brett Favre have since faded into obscurity and are all but forgotten to football fans. Packers 35-27


RAIDERS @ CHIEFS: Is there a better Thanksgiving match-up than Raiders versus Chiefs? This match-up basically encapsulates the first Thanksgiving. Raiders, basically a synonym for pilgrims, coming into the land of the Chiefs, of some Native American tribes, and being cordial at first, then proceeding to, in fact "raid", their land and women. So based on history, I'm gonna have to go with America, and the Raiders 24-20




JAGUARS @ TEXANS: This could be a good, close game. Unfortunately in the grand scheme of things, it will be a fairly meaningless game. Both teams have spent the year underachievin' away. So, who will out-underachieve the other? I think it'll be the Jags. In the coin flip game of the week I'm taking the Texans 23-14.


BRONCOS @ JETS: The Jets are your current AFC "it" team and why wouldn't they be after being the first to bring down the Titans? I still think they're overrated. And did you know that teams that beat an undefeated team after week 9 only have a .213 winning percentage in the following game? No? Well, that's cause I made it up. But I could really use a stat like that to "squash" the Jets. I'd really like to say the Jets will get cocky and look like a bunch of turkeys against the Broncos, but, lets be honest, its the Broncos. Jets 34-23




FALCONS @ CHARGERS: The Falcons are flyin' high, but you know the Chargers are gonna be looking to mash Atlanta's potatoes come Sunday. Desperation is a stinky cologne indeed, but not stinky enough. Falcons 28-21


BEARS @ VIKINGS: Its Thanksgiving at the NFC North house. There's one last plate of turkey with all the fixins and three big fellas eying it! When the season end who's gonna be standing there laughing with their mouth full of sausage stuffing, spitting it every which way? I dunno? But for this game I like the Bears 24-20


SAINTS @ BUCCANEERS: Could be do or die time for Saints in this one, while the Bucs need to keep pace with the rest of the playoff contenders. That's all. Nothing witty to go along with this match-up. Really. I got nothing. Honest. I just didn't feel "it" with this one. I no, usually I'm a cornucopia of hijinx and hilarity, but not with this one. Don't really know why? Bucs 28-27


CARDINALS @ EAGLES: Bird day capped off with a bird match-up, how fitting? So McNabb some of that delicious leftover turkey Breaston, maybe some Bertrand "Cran-" Berry sauce, and settle in for a big NFC clash. Unless you are one of the 75% of the nation that doesn't have the NFL Network, of course. In that case, enjoy The Incredibles. Eagles 31-24


STEELERS @ PATRIOTS: A big one at "the Razor". Are the Steelers in for a heaping helping of some three-bean Cassel-role? The Cassel-role Kid has put up back-to-back 400 yard passing games. Or are the Pats gonna get gobbled up by the Steel Curtain? Mmmmm! This match-up is as tasty as some Limas Sweed "Potato Pie"! Pats 24-21




GIANTS @ REDSKINS: The A-"maize"-ing Jim Zorn "on the cob" may not give "Plymouth" Rock Cartwright a ton of touches in this one, but nevertheless it should be a good ol' knock down, drag 'em out affair in the nation's capital. It could all depend on if the Giant's own "Plymouth Rock", Brandon Jacobs is playing and at 100%. Redskins 17-14

GIVING THANKS

Yes it is that time of year again. A time to gather with family, possibly friends, over eat, over drink, oversleep and watch some football. Oh yeah and give thanks. So we thought we'd see what some NFLers are thankful for this holiday season.

Dolphins fans are thankful for Dan Marino's resurgence, "He's still the quarterback, right?"

Lane Kiffin: This year I am giving thanks to be out from under soul sucking Al Davis' claws! Although, for some reason I still sense his presence around me, like he's now a part of me or something. sometimes I think I can see what he's thinking. I think he may have some how made me into a horcrux. In fact there's a good chance neither of us can live while the other survives.

Eric Mangini: I'm thankful for deep dish pizza. I mean that New York style thin crust is total hogwash! That's not a pizza! That's like callin' a Steak'um a porterhouse for crying out loud! You can't inject cheese into that teenie tiny crust at all! What's that about?! No siree, for my money it doesn't get any better than a thick crusted, meat lovers pizza, with meat and cheese crammed into the crust. Deeeee-lish! Heck if I could get a crust so big, that a whole 'nother pizza could fit in it, I'd be a happy man.

DeAngelo Hall: I'm thankful that Dan Snyder has deep pockets and is a terrible judge of talent and character. I mean I thought the Raiders were whack. As long as you ever had talent, and can still wear a uniform, you can be a Redskin. Hear that Keyshawn?



Kurt Warner: Wow, well what am I not thankful for? I'm thankful for God, my loving family, nice friends, great job, wonderful teammates, my dog, three squares a day, my health, the desert, dry heat, all the charities I get to help with, muppets, sunsets, sunrises, the beach, animals, science and math, pixie stix, mozzarella stix, wrinkle free slacks, seedless grapes, Tom Hanks films, ice cream, Tony Shaloub, chicken salad, being able to choose between paper and plastic, the Harry Potter books, flowers, cool ranch Doritos, calcium, Luxembourg, and of course shirtless Gutenburg.



Matt Jones: I'm thankful for being a white male, professional football player, (sniff) aged 18-35. I mean if I was African-American (sniff) or in some other sport, (sniff) I'd probably be behind bars right now. (snort) Kinda makes ya think.


Tedy Bruschi: Of course I'm thankful for the media, for making me into some sort of "hero". I mean, let's be honest here folks, I have mediocre talent at best. But thanks to the media, I am revered, going to Pro Bowls, getting my value meals Super-Sized for free. And that was before I had the stroke. More like a stroke of genius. It wasn't even that bad! I got the media eating out of the palm of my hands. Its great, I can do no wrong! Haha!


Shannon Sharpe: I'm thankful for CBS. You don't need full phrases. Don't need insight. Show up. Wear fancy suits. Spit some words. Chuckle with the honkies. Cash big checks. Eat lobster. Easy as pie. Blam.




Andy Reid: I'm thankful that somehow everyone still thinks I'm a good coach. It makes me feel safe at night. I mean I clearly have no idea how to manage a clock, personnel, play-calling, my family, my checking account, my wardrobe, and well, I could go on for hours. I don't even know all the NFL's "rules", for pete sake! Oh and lasagna. I'm thankful for lasagna too. And not that vegetarian crap. Nuh-uh. I'm talking with the big juicy chunks of ground beef in all 23 layers. That's right 23 layers! Its an old Reid family recipe.


Peyton Manning: I have so much to be thankful for. Whether its all the stuff I can buy orall the places I can go with my Mastercard, or all the channels I can get with my DirectTV package, or being able to keep in touch with all my loved ones on my Sprint Phone.


JaMarcus Russell: I am so thankful for the Raiders organization. I don't even have to be good at my job, to earn that big paycheck every week. I absolutely suck at my job, but am still making more money than probably any of you will ever see. And you know what the best part is? The Raiders have no other options!



Ben Roethlisberger: I'm thankful for milk and Chunky soup. Milk's a no-brainer. It does a body good, helps keep my bones strong and wards off those ostrichypooroses thingies. No one wants to end up as supper for an ostrichy rose, and drinking milk keeps them away. I've been drinking milk all my life, and I've never seen one. The proof is in the pudding. Pudding made with delicious milk. Sometime I'll have a glass of milk with a big ol' bowl of Chunky Soup. Makes for a nutritious and wholesome lunch and dinner. Sometimes I'll even have a grilled cheese on the side, cause cheese and bread come from milk, so its still good. I don't grill the cheese myself, since I'm no longer allowed near objects that produce heat and or fire, since the accident.


Marvin Lewis: I'm thankful to still have a job. I lost interest quite some time ago, and am really just going through the motions. I don't even care anymore. As long as those checks keep coming in, I'm happy. Heck, I'm letting a guy named Ryan Fitzpatrick call most of the plays on offense, now. Sure, he went to Harvard, but come on!




Joey Porter: I'm thankful that there is an endless supply of mamby-pamby, Charmin soft, big brain, know nothing, hypocratic, cupcake, panty waists in this league. I always have a supply of material to keep me jawin' all year round. Damn, I gots enough to last me well into the next decade. In fact, their's enough whinin', no good, trash talkin', lightweight fancy boys, for J-Peezy to berate for several more decades.

WEEKEND WORDS OF WONDER

A whole 'nother kind of sports draft:

FRIDAY NIGHT BYTES: JACKOFF AND GOOD NIGHT!

WEEK 12: BRIDGE TO KITNABITHIA

49ERS @ COWBOYS: A classic NFC showdown.....in the early 80s. But these are not your daddy's Niners and Tom Rathman is not gonna come strolling through that door San Francisco. Now it's Romo's pinkie versus pants-less Singletary. As intimidating as a pants-less Singletary walking the sideline can be, my imaginary money is on the golden pinkie. Cowboys 24-13.

RAIDERS @ BRONCOS: The Raiders may play this one a little tighter than their week one match-up, but in the end the Raiders are still the Raiders, and that accounts for a lot. Or nothing? Depending on how you look at it, I guess. Broncos 31-13.

BENGALS @ STEELERS:
Steelers 21-10.

BUCCANEERS @ LIONS: The Lions were supposed to be "Tampa North", but that idea quickly went south, after about, oh, one quarter. Now the Lions are lucky to be called "Winnipeg South". CFL? Anyone? I know its not the same without rouges, but come on! Alright that was a lame joke. The Lions are lucky to be called "Ollie North"? No? Um, hows about the Lions are not good? Yeah? Eh, let's move on. Buccaneers 27-10.

BEARS @ RAMS: Lovie Smith's return to St. Louie. Should be a nice little homecoming for him, seeing as the Rams have been less than good for all but, let's say, three games. The Rams have lost four in a row, the last three by a score of 116-32. So much for Jim Haslett resurrecting the Rams. Bears 28-16.

REDSKINS @ SEAHAWKS: A word problem: The Seattle Seahawks are very bad and do not score many points. The Redskins are a solid playoff contender who do not give up many points. If the two meet what will the final score be? Mr. Hasselbeck? "We can do the math." So can we. Redskins 23-7.

BILLS @ CHIEFS: I don't really even know what to say to Bills fans. Maybe the Bills should not play on Monday nights? I mean if there's a team that has the "excruciating, heartbreaking, gut wrenching, bang your head against a wall, Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem, suicide inducing loss at home on Monday Night Football" down pat, it is the Bills. Well Bills fans, you got a nice afternoon game in Kansas City to help ease the pain. Bills 27-17.

TEXANS @ BROWNS: I think it pretty safe to reasonably say that Brady Quinn is Cleveland's savior. Give him the key to the city. Erect him a statue in the town square. Name a street or perhaps a boulevard after him. LeBron who? In fact, instead of Cleveland, why not rename it Brady Quinn, Ohio? The Brady Quinn Cavaliers? Has a nice ring to it. Maybe get playful, and have the Brady Quinn-diands? No? He's still unproven ya say? Um, well I beg to differ. If the media has taught me anything its that we don't need to wait for any sort of proof whatsoever to anoint someone the next great thing. Plus its pretty obvious that Brady Quinn is this year's Tony Romo. Right? Browns 27-21.

GIANTS @ CARDINALS: Kurt Warner Bowl? The last time the Giants were in the desert they were covered in confetti, galavanting, frolicking, showering each other with beer, champagne, and who knows what else. But in that game the Patriots were also on the road. This time around the Giants will have to face the tenants of that stadium, and be the favorites. I don't really know where I was going with that. Giants 31-27.

JETS @ TITANS: Look for another "classic" Favre game, one where he's a gunslinging that ball to and fro, all the livelong day. I'm thinking a line something like 16-33, 179 yards, 3 interceptionS and no TDs. But somehow, in Peter King's mind this will be a brilliant effort against a tough Titans "D". Only the great Brett Favre could possibly throw incompletions and picks with such gusto! Such panache! Such joie de vive! Titans 24-12.

COLTS @ CHARGERS: Should make for an interesting Sunday nighter between two underachievers. I'd be inclined to say that the Chargers "D" will pose a bigger threat than the Texans "D", but these days I'm not so sure. Chargers 23-21.

RAVENS @ EAGLES: You had best believe that the Ravens are mad as heck after the Giants ran all over them last week. Plus the Eagles will be less prepared, since the first half of the week was like story time, with Andy Reid reading his team the NFL rule book. Other rules the Eagles were unaware of: you do not have to run the ball into a wall of defenders three straight times when on the goal line. For every fifty yard plus field goal your kicker makes he is to be awarded a comely lass of virtue true. And you actually never, under any circumstance, should throw the ball to Todd Pinkston. Could've been helpful years ago. 17-17 tie.

PACKERS @ SAINTS: Packers. Saints. Green and yellow. Black and gold. Rodgers. Brees. Football. Playoff hopes. New Orleans. Superdome. Mixed drinks. Katrina references. Rowdy fans. Cajun food. Beads. The fluer-de-lis. Inane Kornheiser remarks. Are you ready for some football? Packers 31-28.

PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS: We'll let Joey Porter field this one- "Yeah, yeah, it's me J-Peezy here to let you know that J-Peezy don't forget nothing. J-Peezy has list of grudges longer than my Mr. Goodbar, which is pretty dag-gone long, see. Right now that sad sack, boring as crap, fashionally challenged, monotony speaking, brainiac bookworm Bill Belichik is up near the top of J-Peezy's grudge list! I took it to him up in his house, but I ain't done witchoo yet Billy boy, oh no, you about to feel the pain once again! You won't even know what hitcha! It'll be like you're expecting hummus and BOOM! here comes the Taboule!" Well, I think that about says it all. Patriots 21-17.

PANTHERS @ FALCONS: Big game in the NFC South, heck in the whole NFC. Panthers are probably the quietest 8-2 team ever (our people are forwarding that as we speak). Jake Delhomme's mediocrity has been masked in recent weeks by a solid defense, and a dominant running game. The Panthers won the first meeting up in Charlotte, fairly handily, so Matty Ice and the "Dirty Birds" is gonna have to strap on their big boy pants. They're about to be involved in an angry cock fight and are gonna need to keep their heads on a swivel! Falcons 17-16.

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. VINTAGE FAVRE?: Is anyone in the media ever going to admit that Favre is no longer God's gift to football? Its like he throws an interception, and the media's all, "Only Brett Favre could have the savvy to make that throw." If Brett Favre was ever thinking of killing someone, now would be the time.

14. BEARS: Surprisingly, this was Lovie Smith first loss as a head coach at Lambeau. But, oh what a loss it was. What happened to that super duper Bears defense, eh?

13. THE COLTS BEING BACK: No doubt the Colts offense looked impressive on Sunday. But the Bob Sanders-less defense looked, well, unimpressive. And let us not forget it was against the Texans. Yes that same, mighty, Texan defense that held the Ravens to 41 points last week. That very same, feisty, Texan squad that had lost back-to-back games, and came in with that very deceiving 3-6 record. Yes, that Texan team, folks.

12. ROMO'S FINGER: Romo's magical finger amazingly guides the 'Boys over the 'Skins? Yeah, right. Funny, I don't recall seeing Romo playing defense, did you? There's a slight chance they would have been in this game even with Brooks Bollinger under center.

11. RAVENS IMPENETRABLE RUN DEFENSE: The Giants quickly dismissed this notion, but Trevor Pryce was more than happy to explain, "The way it happened was a fluke." Thanks Trevor, I guess that sums it up.

10. NFC NORTH: The Bears were the "class" of the division, until they got trounced by the Packers on Sunday. It seems like no one wants to win this division. One week the Bears are the team to beat and the Vikings were on the rise. Next week the Packers are the team to beat and the Vikes are back down. The only safe bet in the division is that the Lions are not the team to beat.

9. JETS "PREVENT"?: I'm only talking about the last Patriots drive here, but when Matt Cassel puts up four hunny on ya, chances are you weren't playing too tight in the secondary. But on the Patriots last drive, the Jets let the Pats easily march right down the field. But then, THEN, after dry humping randy Moss up and down the field all night, they lay off him. Huh? Well, not surprisingly, Moss caught the game tying touchdown on that very play. The Jets ended up winning, but had they lost that coin toss in overtime, who knows?

8. KYLE ORTON: Orton was a mere 13-26 for 133 yards completing just two passes to a wide receiver. Suddenly Orton is not looking like the Bears savior at QB, now is he?

7. NFC WEST TEAMS NOT RHYMING WITH FARDINALS: Sure the Niners won this week, but it was against the Rams, and in Donovan McNabb's mind, someone had to win that game. Although if there would have been the perfect place for a tie it would've been in that one. Anyways, it looks like the NFC West could manage to get three of the first ten draft picks come Spring.

6. TIES: I'm not talking about changing the rules here, I'm talking about ties in general. I mean, come on, everyone knows a tie is like kissing your sister.

5. DAVID GARRARD: Another lackluster showing for the Jaguars and Garrard was the lacklusterest. Yeah, I said it and no, it is not a real word. And?

4. RAIDERS: I think this is pretty self explanatory here. So why don't ya go ahead and make your own Raiders "diss", as the kids say.

3. LIONS: We'll have to get Stat Man John to figure out the probability of the Lions winning a game this season. I'd be willing to wager it's not a high probability and yes I realize they do have the one and only Duante Culpepper, now.

2. MCNABB'S KNOWLEDGE OF THE RULES: This has certainly been beaten into the ground, but how can a professional football player not know that the game can end in a tie? But it wasn't just McNabb who was unaware of the quirky "tie" thing. DeSean Jackson and Correll Buckhalter were also baffled, as was Andy Reid, who had this to say, "I've never been in a tie, so I don't know how it works in the standings?" At what point do people start wondering how in the hell Andy Reid even got to a Super Bowl?

1. RAMS: Jim Haslett said it all in his postgame words, "I'm perplexed." Well, I guess that could be taken in regards to many things. I don't know what's so perplexing, really. Your team sucks at football and you suck at coaching football. See? Simple.