WEEK 13: ONE IF BY LAND, TWO IF BY KITNA

Well an 8-8 week 12 has me mired in third place. Yes both the Sports Guy and Mr. Monday Morning Quarterback, Peter King managed to go 12-4, making me look like a horse's patoot! Anyways here are the current standings:

MMQB: 86-90
Sports Guy: 84-92
Bitterness: 80-96

Well here's thoughts before I introduce this week's guest blogger:

--Remember a short time ago, let's call it last season, when everyone was so impressed that Mike Vanderjagt-ass was the most efficient placekicker of all time, even though he was not nearly as awesome as Al Del Greco"-Roman wrestling"? In ESPN the magazine they had some stats saying how he was just as clutch as Adam Viniatieri. Well now Mike Vanderjagt-ass is out of a job. Yes the Cowboys released him folks! Apparently they want to be more Grammatica-ly correct. Now I'm sure this won't be the last we'll see of Vanderjagt-ass, but it is still so pleasing.

-- Recently Time Warner has had commercials adverstising thta you can watch the NFL on it's cables. When I saw the beginning of this advertisement I thought, perhaps, they were offering the NFL Network. Much to my chagrin, it was mostly highlighting that you get them in HD. Okay Time Warner, I hate to break it to you, but all I need to get the NFL is an antennae. So unless you are offering me either the NFL Network or an HDTV to go with my cable, shut up-a your face!

-- Is there parity in the NFC or do all the teams just suck? I vote for the latter. Must feel good in Green Bay, Washington and Tampa Bay that despite the season long ineptitude that they are still in the playoff hunt. I mean, odds are none of these teams will make the playoffs, but the 'Skins and Pack are just two games out and if the Giants lose against the 'Boys next week, they could conceivably be a game out.

-- College Hoops are under way and I couldn't be happier! Despite some sloppy play, Syracuse is undefeated and Paul Harris has looked awesome! I can't wait until they play the Shockers. It'll be a good early season test. I also like Marquette's chances, watch out for them! and of course there's the rest of the MVC and this could be the final stages of rebuilding for the UMASS Minutemen. It's all wondrous. Drink it in!

Alright so, now, here is a look at Week 13 with a special guest blogger, of course with my picks inserted in. He's an SNL Alum, has had his own show on HBO and was also an announcer for MNF. That's right this week's guest blogger is none other than Dennis Miller! Take it away Dennis:

Thanks Will! The playoffs are closing in like Boris Yeltsin on a bottle of Smirnoff. And the NFC plyoff picture is more open than a 7-11. So here's a look at week 13:

RAVENS @ BENGALS: Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary...the Ravens shut down the Bengals offense, despite Chad Johnson rapping, rapping at the end zone door. Quoth the Ravens defense....Nevermore! The Ravens never flitting, still a sitting atop the AFC North. Birds take it 17-7

LIONS @ PATRIOTS: In New England, yes New England, the Lions sleep this week! Unfortunately these Lions won't fare as the lions who would severely maul thieves and peasants at the colosseum. And I can't wait to see Bill Belichik in his burlap sack with a Patriot logo on it. I've seen better clothes on the orphans in Oliver Twist! Pats take it 24-10.

FALCONS @ REDSKINS: The Falcons run more than Pheidippedes. While the Redskins are hoping Mike Vick will feel more like Custer at Little Big Horn, with Jason Campbell leading the charge, as 'Skins fans hope they aren't sitting on a bunch of bull. Meanwhile Campbell's approval rating is already higher than President Bush's in the nation's capital. Skins in the upset win it 17-16.

JAGUARS @ DOLPHINS: With two solid defenses going at, you could see sacking of Visigothic proprtions. Nick Saban's defense so many underlying schemes and patterns it's like a Salvador Dhali work. WhileThe Jags are as up and down as Kirstie Alley's weight. Dolphins win it 17-16.

COWBOYS @ GIANTS: A colossal battle in the NFC East matches to coaches who rule with an iron fist. Giants are coming off a collapse of epic proportions last week at the hands of the Titans. A loss that has Giants fans as troubled as a character in a Tennessee Williams play. But the Cowboys have Terrell Owens who's about as balanced as the federal budget, c'mon. Boys take it 24-23.

CHARGERS @ BILLS: Ladanian Tomlinson's as dangerous as Rosie O'Donnell at an all you can eat Chinese Buffet. Yet the Bills are a feisty bunch. When their defense is on, they are tougher to get through than Gigli. While the tandem of Takeo Spikes and London Fletcher at linebacker is as fierce as a Jewish guy trying to send soup back at a delicatessen. Chargers win 17-13.

VIKINGS @ BEARS: The valkyries are waiting in the wings to drag the Vikings season off to Valhalla, where Odin is lying in wait with roasted boar for everyone. Not a bad consolation prize for these slain warriors, as the Bears do the pillaging and plundering in this one 17-9.

CHIEFS @ BROWNS: Wherefore art thou Romeo Crennel? Or the Browns offense for that matter. It's been as anemic as paris Hilton. While Herm Edwards is looking to lead his team through the rest of the schedule like General Sherman through the Confederate south. But will it end up more like Pickett's charge for Herm? Chiefs take it 27-17.

JETS @ PACKERS: The Packers defense has as many holes in it as an aged Swiss, but plays a little softer than that. Like a fine Brie perhaps. Well rest assured Chad Pennington will bring the Merlot or maybe an elegant Cabernet Sauvignon, for this gathering. Jets win it 35-27.

CARDINALS @ RAMS: The Cardinals have about as much a chance of wnning this matchup as President Bush has of winning on Jeopardy. Meanwhile the Rams offense can be as deadly as a hemlock Fribble, if ya know what I mean. The Rams should drop more big bombs than Truman, come Sunday. Rams win it 31-21.

49ERS @ SAINTS: Everyone has eagerly awaiting this matchup. Bush versus Gore. Although I think most will be less disappointed when Bush wins this battle,as Reggie Bush is unlikely to raise gas prices and enter the country into war. And this Bush actually came to the aid of New Orleans, so? Luckily we won't have to wait for weeks for the actual outcome. You will be able to know that the Saints came marching away with a victory 34-21 right after it happens.

TEXANS @ RAIDERS: If the Raiders lose this one they'll go on to star in the San Bernardino production of Les Mis, starring Warren Sapp as Jean Valjean. Art Shell looks flummoxed, like someone asked him to write a dissertation on the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. On the otherside, you have the Texans who get lucky about as much as Karl Rove at a Blink 182 show. Raiders win it 31-30.

COLTS @ TITANS: In Greek mythology the Titans were greater than even the Gods, but Tennessee is about as powerful as Titan AE's Oscar campaign. A classic David versus Goliath matchup, but Vince Young's slingshot breaks and Goliath prevails this time around. Colts take it 21-14.

BUCCANEERS @ STEELERS: The Tampa Bay offense has been about as effective as the Bay of Pigs invasion. While Cadillac Williams is more like the Delorean of the NFL. Looked good for awhile than just kinda faded away. The Steelers title defense has been about as strong as Reagan's economic policy. Steelers win it 21-17.

SEAHAWKS @ BRONCOS: The Broncos defense is quicker than a Kenyan running from the bulls in Pamplona. While the Seahawks are hoping their offense can click, faster than a gaggle of giggling, boy-crazy, high school cheerleaders. This game could be as epic as the Odyssey, my friends. Broncs buck the 'Hawks in a retro NFC West rivalry 23-17.

PANTHERS @ EAGLES: Steve Smith is like Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancing around defenders after the catch. Not to mention he has the hands of Fred Biletnikoff. Across the way Andy Reid will be looking to devise a defensive scheme so complex, not even Stephen Hawking could grasp it. Panthers win it 27-23.

Thanks, you've been a wonderful audience, don't forget to get that special someone Murder at 1600 on DVD for Christmas!

WEEK 12: THANKS FOR KITNA (AND WALDORF)

Well another week down in the NFL, and I am as confused as ever. Well here are your updated standings with last week's results in parentheses:

MMQB: 74-86 (8-8)
Bitterness: 72-88 (6-10)
The Guy: 72-88 (8-8)

Yes that's right folks after being in the lead from the get go I have finally relinquished the lead, which means it is time for a change. For the first time ever here at "Bitterness" we will have a guest blogger. Now I will still make my picks and my guest blogger has graciously agreed to work them in to his break down of the games. Now our first ever guest blogger is a man who some may say, has lost it. Once brilliant is now just a hack. Well we here at "Bitterness" are willing to allow him a forum to show that he is still as brilliant as ever. So I give you the first ever "Bitterness" guest blogger, drum roll please....drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....Boomer himself, Chris Berman. Take it away Swami!



Thanks Will. Let's take a look at the Thanksgiving weekend in NFL:

DOLPHINS @ LIONS: The Fish entah the Lions den on Thanksgiving Day, but it'll be the fish feasting on the cats at this dinner table. As the Phins look to keep Jon Kitna 'n' Caboodle from finding Mike "the sound and the" Furrey in the endzone with their secondary led by "ring" Yeremiah Bell. Fish squish the cats 23-14

BUCCANEERS @ COWBOYS: The Bucs enter into the Thanksgiving Day tradition in Big D. Can Tony Romo Arrogato Mr. Roboto continue to impress against a staunch Bucs D. And remember that Thanksgiving is a time to set aside your Shelton "Petty" Quarles and don't be Barrett Ruud at the dinner table, use your manners! And be nice to your Ryan Nece and other relatives. But it'll be the Bucs "O" that'll have it's work cut out for them. Mike "You're in good hands with" Alstott and the O-line need to open up some holes for Cadillac Williams, who's looked more like a Yugo than a cadillac out there. And they'll have to get by "a man named " Bradie James and Demarcus "Ready to" Ware. The 'Boys win the Turkey day roundup 27-17.

BRONCOS @ CHIEFS: For the first time ever it's a third Thanksgiving day game! In a big battle in the AFC West, the Chiefs look to keep their postseason hopes alive. With no Tony "Going, going, going" Gon-zalez the Chiefs will need another big effort from Lary "Don't call me grandmama" Johnson. With Gonzalez out they will also need some production from Jason "A-1 is how steak is" Dunn. But they're up against a tough "D" with Al Wilson pickett and Ian "Solid" Gold dancer leading the charge. They'll get some secondary support for John Lynch "Mob" coming up from the safety position. Broncos win at Arrowhead 13-10.

BEARS @ PATRIOTS: A rematch of Super Bowl XX, won't be the blowout this time around. But the Pats have struggled at the Razor. Meanwhile Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman has been flustered by good defenses and you know that Bill Belichik will have plenty of blitzing schemes to have T-Rex guessing all game long, looking to make the Bears offense extinct. The defenses will win this game. For the Pats they'll have to shut down a daunting Bears pass rush led by Bad, Bad Alex Brown while Da Bears will have blitzers coming from all over. Not quite as scary as Richard "Fixo" Dent and forget it, barrelling down on ya, but nevertheless. Speakin of Richards, for the Pats Richard "Wear your glasses and you can" Seymour leads the way up front. But it'll be the Pats secondary that'll really have to step it up. The Bears could...go.....all.....the way.....this year, but this'll be wear we find out they're really made of. Bears win it 5-3.

BENGALS @ BROWNS: The Brownies are upset minded but the Bengals are looking to make one final charge and you can be sure that Carson "Lake and" Palmer will have is A-game. This could be a long day for the Cleveland secondary as the Bengals will look to expose Davon Holly "Jolly Christmas". The Browns front seven will have to get some pressure up from, starting with Alvin "Mount" McKinley and their sack leader Kamerion Wimbley stadium. Cuz if they can't get pressure it'll be a big day for TJ Whosyourmama and Ocho Cinco. The Bengals romp 31-16.

EAGLES @ COLTS: The Iggles will need to play flawless football and harken back to the defensive genius of "My" Buddy Ryan. But there will be no Clyde-sdale Simmons, Wes "Hip" Hopkins, Jerome, Jerome, Jerome "on the range" Brown or even Seth "she looks lonely I think I'll" Joyner in Indy for this one. They'll rely on Jermiah "Hot to" Trotter, Matt "the real" McCoy, Brian Dawkins your pay and you can Lito a horse to water but you can't make him drink Shepherd. But we have seen the Colts offense beat good defenses already this year, but are they wearing down.? Well Joseph Addai- in the life, is still full steam ahead and within out Donovan McNabb a sub, the Colts edge the birds 28-20.

PANTHERS @ REDSKINS: The Panthers are looking like playoff team, while the Redskins are on life support. Jason Campbell- chunky soup is still in the learning stages and no better way to learn than having Julius "pick pack of pickled" Peppers pressuring you all game. Panthers roll 20-6

SAINTS @ FALCONS: This is a big game for both teams and their playoff hopes, so Mike Vick's- Vapo Rub needs to protect that ball! The Saints are looking to prove to everyone that they are for real. The Saints will need to keep Mr. Vick in the pocket and force "Hot Rod" Roddy White, Ashley Lelien-Deluxe to get open. Falcons win a wild one inspite of a great defensive effort my Scott "Chicken or steak" Fujita... 42-40

STEELERS @ RAVENS: Air McNair and company can dash all hope of a Super Bowl defense in the Steel City with a win in this one. Watch for the Ravens defense to step it up with a big games from Hloti Ngata "Da vida" and Trevor "Excuse me sir, is this the sale" Pryce, up front. Ravens roll at home 17-6.

JAGUARS @ BILLS: Are the Bills and JP finally starting to click? Well the Jags defense probably won't let Lee "You'll be living in" Evans "down by the river" get open in this one. This should be a defensive struggle with both teams looking to rumble, bumble stumble their ways to a victory. Look for a big game for Donte Whitner- of our discontent. Texans beat the Jags twice. Bills beat the Texans, ergo Bills take it 14-13.

CARDINALS @ VIKINGS: Once upon a time, some people thought the Vikings were playoff contenders. Well lately they've been anything but. They actually lost a game in which they held Miami to -3 rushing yards! Well the Vikes may need to harken the spirits Warren "Cow jumped over the" Moon if they want to make any noise down the stretch. However Denny Green's return to the land of Ten Thousand Lakes will not be a pleasant one and number one pick here you come Arizona, as not even the return of Neil Fa-Lomax in his prime, could help ya now. Vikes win! Vikes win! Vikes win! 21-9

TEXANS @ JETS: David "get out of my dreams and get into my" Carr continues to have a solid season, as the Texans remain fiesty and competitive. But Chad Pennington "for your thoughts", will look to rebound from an awful showing against, DA Bears, in week eleven. Eric Mangini "with clam sauce", take a look at what the Bills did and try and go at the Texans' secondary with the walls of Jericho Cotchery. Jets win it 27-20.

49ERS @ RAMS: Well, Mike Nolan has a done a decent job in San Fran, and it doesn't hurt that Frank "Quoth the Raven, never" Gore has been running all over teams. Could be much of the same against the Rams, as they are giving up close to four yards per carry. But it'll be the arm of Marc "battle of the" Bulger that'll win it for the Rams 31-28.

RAIDERS @ CHARGERS: The Raaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiidahs have shown brief signs of life. While Randy, Moss grows fat on a rolling stone, continues to pout on the sidelines. I have a hunch he'll be joined by a lot of other sad faces in this one as Philip A-Rivers runs through it, carves up the secondary and LT runs over the secondary. The Lightin' Bolts win it big....34-10

GIANTS @ TITANS: The G-Men need this one bad to try and right the ship. They need to pressure Vince Young and the Restless and force lots of mistakes and they will. Antonio "A Separate" Pierce will come up big in this one as the New York football Giants roll along to a 23-16 victory.

PACKERS @ SEAHAWKS: Well the gunslinger, Brett Favre and Away will look to shine on Monday Night, like he's done so many times before. Standing in his way the Seahawks defense led by Lofa Tatupu-platter and company. But the Packers should be more worried about their defense. Because even Seneca "falls, women's rights convention of 1848" Wallace could beat the Packers secondary which looks not Gouda but more like Swiss! Seahawks win it 31-21.

Well there ya have it folks, week twelve in nutshell!

Well thanks Boomer. I don't care what they say about you, you're with me leather!

WEEK XI: KITNA STRIKES BACK!

Now before I start I just want to say that this blog was all written and I was just adding pictures , when all of the sudden I got one of those error messages telling me to end now or cancel, I think. Anyways after pouring three hours of my life into writing this blog, Mozilla decided to shut down. Of course none of it was saved, so now I am retyping the whole thing again, virtually from memory. Some stuff that was in the origianl will be cut out or modified because either I don't remember or because I'm too tired now to bother. So now here is the blog I should have been saving all along:

Well, well, well, it seems that I actually managed to go five hundred with my picks last week after a couple of awful weeks. I realize I haven't updated the standings in awhile, so here ya go:

BITTERNESS: 66-78
MMQB: 66-78
THE GUY: 64-80

Now before I get into the picks here a few nuggets I need to get to:

I apologize to all my readers for a faux pas in last week's picks. You see British Columbia and Saskatchewan were not playing for the Grey Cup, simply for the chance to play for it this week. The Lions won pretty handily by the way and there are no more rouges, they are called singles instead. I'm still stickin with rouges. What I didn't like is that Saskatchewan has a Coors Light logo on their jerseys. That would be like the Patriots having being sponsored by LaBatt Blue! Anyways speaking of jerseys....

It's off to New Jersey where congrats go to the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers who last week beat the then #3 Louisville Cardinals on the foot of Jeremy" the Judge" Ito. It's pretty amazing that if about eight or nine other things in college football fall into place the SUNJ-Rutgers Scarlet Knights could play for the national championship. Unfortunately for them they have the Orange of Syracuse still left on the docket and you know what that means.....an easy win for the Knights.

Mike Tirico on MNF: "They're gonna spot the ball (pause- as if he is going to tell us the yard line or finish with, "beyond the first down marker" or something remotely insightful) where it was when his knee hit the ground." Thanks Mike. Really? They're gonna mark it the same way as they always do in every game? Why are good announcers banished to cover Cardinals-49ers matchups when are stuck with announcers who, while at some point may have added something to the game, now just pack each broadcast with the same trite drivel and schtick? Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh!

And now for the picks:

Patriots @ Packers: The Pats are strugglin a bit and the Packers have a bona fide gunslinger with a great passion for the game. Normally I'd go with the 'slinger, but I have a hunch the Pats win it 26-17

Bengals @ Saints: The storybook season being written in N'awlins is, I'm afraid not gonna have a happy ending. Nueve will find Ocho Cinco so much they'll think it's Mardi Gras in the Big Easy, whatever the heck that means? Bengals win it 21-17.

Titans @ Eagles: The Eagles may be back on track thanks to a visit from the Redskins. I'll give 'em this though, the Titans are feisty, but the Iggles should roll at the Linc 35-21. Every time I hear it called the Linc I think of Mod Squad. No, not the movie with Omar Epps, Claire Danes and the ever irreverent Giovanni Ribisi, but the actuall 60s television show. I think they should have an afro over every entrance. Reason #27 why I should be in charge of a stadium right there!

Vikings @ Dolphins: Have the Dolphins finally woken up? Are they actually gonna finish the season playing the way many predicted them to play at the beginning of the season? Maybe, maybe not. But they should be able to beat the fading Vikings, who look like a pillager without a fjord out there right now....'Phins take it 17-13.

Redskins @ Buccaneers: Okay, okay, I may have overestimated B-Grad just a teenie-tiny bit, but I still say he is perfect in the Gruden offense. Yeah! I said it and I stand by it! I also stand by this, "The Redskins are not good." I know it's a bold statement and I may be goin out on a limb, but unless Jason Campbell is Doug Williams incarnate than the 'Skins fans better have plenty of firewater handy for the rest of the season, because it'll be a long six weeks after this one. This ends in a tie 15-15, because the Bucs ground game is non-existent in the hands of Carnell "Broham" Williams. They might as well have Greg "Cadillac" Anderson running the ball for them!

Colts @ Cowboys: The Cowboys won't be riding these Colts for long. Close for awhile, yes, but the Colts eventually buck 'em and win it 24-20. And by the way, carving up the Cardinal defense doesn't sell me on Tony Romo.

Falcons @ Ravens: Ah the Falcons season, up and down it goes. You know they might be better off if Ron Mexico protected the ball a little better! The thing about the Falcons is that they don't play well every week, so you never know what'll happen. You see I've decided to pull a Costanza when picking Falcons games by doing the opposite of my initial instincts. So I'm pickin the Falcons 17-16.

Rams @ Panthers: The Rams were the quietest 4-2 team in all the land and then four straight losses later they are the loudest 4-5 team around. Okay that may not true but it worked better for my sentence. Just think Rams fans if these games were like 59 minutes long you'd be 6-3 in first place in the NFC West. And if "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts we's all have a fine little Christmas! Panthers break another little piece of the Rams hearts as John Kasay hits a last second field goal giving the Panthers 31-28 win.

Steelers @ Browns: The Browns are riding their third one game winning streak of the season, but alas all good things must come to an end. The Steelers will win this game narrowly and before everyone gets all excited after Big Ben (Parliament) does well and leads them to victory, let's remember this is the Browns folks! No offense Browns fans. Steelers edge 'em 12-10.

Bills @ Texans: Well the Bills hung with the Colts last week and now they head to Houston to face former Bill Eric Moulds, who I'm told his hung like a colt! Weird?! But Bills fans if you need a new face to stick on your dart board, look no further than Sterling Sharpe. After showing the Bills-Colts highlights and the Bills' missed kick Sterling interjected, "Sorta looked like Scott Norwood." Unnecessary, unclassy and uncalled for. It may be your name, but Mr. Sharpe, you are far from sterling. Bills win in Houston 24-14. Also J.P. Losman and David Carr have a hairy side bet in this one. If the Bills lose J.P. shaves his head, losing his gorgeous do, while if the Texans lose D.C. will shave his eyebrows. Now that's something you won't find on ESPN insider! And that's because it has no factual basis! Just chalk it up to things I'd like to see happeing in the NFL.

Raiders @ Chiefs: If the Raiders keep showing signs of life they may pick as low as 7 or 8 in this spring's draft, so they better watch themselves. While Huard versus Walter isn't exactly Elwya versus Marino, this matchup could be good......NAHHHHHHHH! The Chiefs will just run Larry "I'm not grandmama, that's another guy!" Johnson until he can't run no more! And run he shall, all over the Raiders defense. Chiefs take it 42-30

Bears @ Jets: "Man-man-man-mangini" and the Jets are flyin high after their win in the razor last week, but there's turbulence up ahead in the form of the Chicago Bears. The Bears will join the Colts in successfully pulling off the Meadowlands sweep with a 31-21 win.

Lions @ Cardinals: Kitna's gonna make it rain in 'Zona, just you watch! Lions roll on to victory 33-27.

Seahawks @ 49ers: Hasselback and Alexander may playin this one. My question is what's the hurry? It's only the 49ers. So if Hasselback and Alexander play they win it 42-17. If they don't play they win it 28-17.

Chargers @ Broncos: This is the game of the week by far. Two teams battling under the lights, first place in the division on the line. Turner and Hooch against the vaunted Broncos "D". The thin mountain air. This should be a classic. Fo some reason, call it a hunch, but I think the Chargers win this battle 21-20.

Giants @ Jaguars: Let's see the Jaguars play well against decent teams but tend to lose to the Texans, twice even. The Jaguars willl play the G-men tough and after the feds are out of their way they will play the Giants tight. But the key is for the Giants to pressure David Garrard. If they do this, they will prevail and I fell that they will both pressure him and prevail 27-21.

British Columbia vs. Montreal: This one's for all the marbles folks! Let me tell you if Dave Dickensen plays the way he played against the Roughriders last week, then it is the Alouettes who are in for a rough ride. With Dickensen playing well, Jarious Jackson backing him up, Pamela Anderson in their corner, and the aura of Lui Passaglia over them I don't see any reason the Lions can't capture their fifth Grey Cup. The Alouettes will be hungry though after falling to the Edmonton Eskimos in last year's finale. Interestingly enough the last time the Lions won was in 2000 over the Alouettes in Calgary 28-26. I don't think it'll be that close when the two meet in Winnipeg this Sunday. The Lions win by a TD and a rouge 28-20.

Alright, I gotta skidaddle if I'm gonna get this Grey Cup party organized in time! Smoked meats for everyone!

WEEK TEN: VIVA LA KITNA!

Here some things I wanna get in before the picks.

- Here's a fun little game that'll entertain you during any game. My bro-seph, Billyball and myself found it rather amusing. I call it the Bermanator game. What you do is come up with nicknames for the players playing ala Chris Berman. The winner for our first time was Bill with Jeff " Here Comes the" Hostettler.

-On the "hit" NBC show Las Vegas there were two clever lines (this could be the total for the whole run of the show, not sure):
1) "Dundler Mifflin just booked another ballroom we need to beef up security" As in Dundler Mifflin from another NBC show, the Office.
2) At a bar with some dude trying to pick up a girl with a leather top another guy walks up and says, "You're with me leather." Classic.

Alright here's what you came for, possibly:

JETS @ PATRIOTS- The Pats have two losses. One to the undefeated Colts and the other to the Broncos, both at home. Go figure? So much for the Razor's Edge and I ain't talking about Razor Ramon's finishing maneuver. Luckily the Jets aren't as good as the Colts or the Broncos. And Mangini and the Jets (sing it like Benny and the jets by Elton John....Man-man-man mangini and the Jets!) It's solid gold baby! Pats win it 23-11

CHARGERS @ BENGALS- Ocho Cinco might be declaring "No Mas!" in this one my amigos! "Whale's Vagina" takes it 24-21.

REDSKINS @ EAGLES- The Eagles better regain focus and realize that they can't just, in the words of Winston Churchill, "half arse it" through most of the game and expect to come out victorious. I have a sneaking suspicion that 1) We will see Jason Campbell, (mmmm, mmm m better.) and 2) The sluggish Eagles come out a fightin and knck the Deadskins aruond for four quarters. Seriously though does Joe Gibbs think Mark Brunell is Mark Rypien or something? And I don't mean does he think he is the next Mark Rypien, I mean the actual Mark Rypien. Maybe Snyder should stop carousing with TomKat and have Mark Rypien stop by at a practice so Joe Gibbs can see them side by side. Either he'll get it or think he's losing his mind, either way, it's win-win in Raljohn, Maryland. Oh yeah, Eagles win it 14-3

CHIEFS @ DOLPHINS- Damon Huard's triumphant return to Miami. This will be his eighth start this year. The only time he started anywhere near that many games in an NFL season, well, that was in 1999, with, you guessed it, the Miami Dolphins. This could be close, but ,make no mistakes about it, last week was an anomaly. I assure you the Dolphins are no good. I repeat the Dolphins are no good. That being said they can probably rattle good ol' Damon "Don't call me Brock, cause that's not my name! Seriously that's my brother, I am Damon. D-a-m-o-n" Huard and could squeak outa win. Naaaaahhhhhh! Chiefs take it 27-26

COWBOYS @ CARDINALS- A lot of people, myself included, thought the Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals would be a borderline playoff contender. That is clearly not the case. Is it true it's Garth "wee, wee, wee" Jax day at the Bird's Nest? And the first 10,000 fans get a free bag of Jax? Guess you'll have to either go or find ssomewhere to watch it folks. In the biggest upset I've predicted all season, the Kingdom of the Mighty Cardinal win it on a last second FG by Neil "Cheese and" Rackers 24-23. That's what I want to happen anyways, Romo Arrogato if you please!

BILLS @ COLTS- A classic AFC East rivalry, but Jim Kelly and Jack Trudeau are long gone. And I'm afraid neither Pete Metzalaars nor Quentin Coryatt are suiting up for this one. If you think this is a gimme for the Colts that you don't know Dick.....Jauron! Colts win it but it's closer than you think 21-20. It's okay Billyball, the Quarterback class is looking strong next year I'm told.

49ERS @ LIONS- Hey Wayne Fontes just give the, oh wait, sorry Rod Marinelli, wellllllll eeeeeeexxxxxxxxcccccccccuuuuuuuuussssssse me! Anyways give that ball to Kitna and let him create. Kitna is awesome! Lions win it 47-31.

RAVENS @ TITANS- Poor, poor Vince Young. Oh and let's not everyone start talking abour Brian Billick as an offensive genius. In two games without Jim "check out this Stegosaurus" Fassel they have scored more points, but they have several defensive TDs and I'm sure the bevy of turnovers they had against the Saints helped set up some good field position. NOw I'm not saying Jim Fassel was good or that he should still have his job, but if you think the offense is all of a sudden better, think again. Just wait until Week 13 when Steve McNair's leg falls off and Ray Lewis accidentally eats Kyle Boller. Then what? Hmmm! Yeah well they should have no trouble with the Titans, Ravens win it 20-6

BROWNS @ FALCONS- The Falcons are up and down as I predicted, and as a result who know what'll happen in this one. Well I do, of course! They will win it 21-14

PACKERS @ VIKINGS- A Packers victory and they could actually be in the playoff hunt. Will it happen? In my estimation, no. Vikes pillage AND plunder and defeat everyone's favoritest gunslinger 13-10.

TEXANS @ JAGUARS- The Jaguars can beat good teams, but struggle against the dregs of the league. But no one has ever lost to the Texans twice in a season. "Is that true," you may ask? It could be. Sounds good. Jags avenge their first loss and win it 28-14

SEAHAWKS @ RAMS- Who'da thunk this would be the battle for first in the NFC West? Honestly? This should be interesting, but I like the Rams in a shootout 35-31.

SAINTS @ STEELERS- Sure I rag on the Steelers plenty and mostly it's because, well, I hate them. Is it Charlie Batch time Steelers fans? I think so. You know what? I have a hunch they beat the Saints with the aid of the Spirits of the Ketchup Packet 22-17

BRONCOS VS. RAIDERS- Broncs win it 27-6

BEARS @ GIANTS- With the all injuries on either side this might not live up to it's billing. Buuuuuuuuuttttttt then again, maybe it will? With logic like that I should run for office. Bears win it 5-3.

BUCCANEERS @ PANTHERS- Here's another Monday Night thriller. Note the sarcasm. Well, it's B-Grad's chance to shine on the national stage and shine he shall. But the Panthers are just a much better team. Panther's win it 24-13. But the big question is who will be the in-booth guest this week? Well here's a list of people who should be on the short list. Some good 'ol folks who were at some point in their life, for some period of time, Charlotte residents. Here we go: Grandmama, Mugsy Bogues, Kelly Tripucka, Billy Graham, DJ Flash or Ric Flair, whoooooo!

SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS VS. BRITISH COLUMBIA LIONS- The Lions snag the Grey Cup by four rouges!

Congrats Democrats!
And that's all I got!

WEEK 9: ON DA MOVE

Alright, so, I'm moving so had to slap this weeks picks together pretty quickly. Just take it all in, as this will be the last "Bitterness" blog for about a week or so.
Here are some quick hitters to lead you in:

A fond farewell to Red Auerbach, the greatest coach in NBA history. You'll be missed.

Joe Theismann you suck. Seriously GO.... AWAY!

At what point in Barry Pepper's childhood did he realize that he shouldn't become a doctor.

I'm in a fantasy hockey league. I know nothing about the NHL. Apparently there are no more Nordiques, Jets or Whalers. Travesty. My team name, cause I know you want to know....Bourque Chops. That's right in honor of Phil Bourque. Oh yes and I've won both games I've played so far, good enough for fourth place!

Possible Fantasy Basketball team name....Sandpiper Air



BENGALS @ RAVENS- Well Ocho Cinco did score a touchdown against the Falcons but the Bengals fell short once again. That makes this battle crucial from the sons of the Queen City. Ravens take it 24-13

DOLPHINS @ BEARS- I guess the Dolphins could be better than the 49ers, but that's not saying a whole lot. Who thought Dolphins fans would be pining for Mr. Potato Head himself Jay Fiedler? Actually Joey Harrington through for more yards than any other NFL quarterback in Week 7 in a losing effort. Of course when you throw 62 times I guess you're bound to rack up some yards. Bears maul the Dolphins, I dunno 87-6

COWBOYS @ REDSKINS- Well here's a game I could care less about. The Redskins are just plain bad, while the Cowboys are slightly above mediocre. I guess go with the Romo-sapien and the 'Boys 27-17.

PACKERS @ BILLS- The Bills have a shot if they can hold down a gunslinger with and unsung passion for the game. Sorry, not likely Bills fans. Favre slings the Packers to victory 35-31

TITANS @ JAGUARS- Hmmmm? The Jaguars get crushed by the Texans (I'm pretty sure no one has ever been crushed by the Texans, except their fans, the research team is still looking into it) and the beat the Eagles in Philly? Enigma thy name is Jaguar...s. Jags slow the young Young down and win it 23-17

FALCONS @ LIONS- Kitna vs. Vick. You'll here about it all week my friends, so let me get it started. The QB matchup everyone marked on their schedules at the beginning of the season. And rest assured it'll be just as advertised. Kitna and the Lions roll......over and lose it 38-24

TEXANS @ GIANTS- I CANNOT believe the Texans had their one game winning streak snapped. Man! I think the Giants can handle the upstart Houstons 21-7

CHIEFS @ RAMS- This has the chance to be a decent game. Damon Huard is not as full of suck as most people thought and no one really thinks the Rams are good. It's in St. Louis, which happpens to be the most dangerous city in America (congrats, by the way) so I give the Rams a slight edge 48-42

SAINTS @ BUCCANEERS- Saints alive New Orleans got tossed around in week 8! I know what you want to know, "Gee, will they bounce back?" The answer is "no". It's B-Grad's time. Just give him the ball and let him create! And create he will. In my upset special of the week I pick the Bucs to win it, that's right, win it 17-16.

VIKINGS @ 49ERS- The Vikes didn't look good on Monday night, but now they get the Niners, so there! Vikes take it 27-16.

BRONCOS @ STEELERS- I bet a lot of you idiot journalists marked this one down as a key matchup in the Keystone State, when you saw it on the schedule at the beginning of the season. Good call. But the Steelers got smothered by the Raiders defense last week and, well, despite being shown up by Peyton Manning, the Broncos "D" is more than a tad bit better than the Raiders "D". Denver wins it 24-13

BROWNS @ CHARGERS- Sure the Browns are riding that one game hot streak, but the Chargers are pretty good so I think they'll win 31-20

COLTS @ PATRIOTS- This should be a dandy, but I just don't know if the Pats can pull it out. They'll have that field extra sloppy for Peyton and company, but will it be enough? Oh and did anyone else catch the Monday Night team saying how Brady is not really as commercial or that recognizable? I'm pretty sure a few folks outside of New England have heard of him and as my esteemed colleague Bill pointed out, "He's hosted Saturday Night Live for God's sake! I'm going against my better judgement and picking the hometown team. Pats 31-27

RAIDERS @ SEAHAWKS- Seriously, why are the Raiders on in primetime for a third time? Wasn't once too many? Well the Raiders are riding a 2 game winning streak, something I didn't think I'd be typing at all this season, but even with that being treu and Seneca Wallace at the helm the Seahawks win it 27-20

Dem's myn picks and I'm stickin to 'em!

WEEK 8: BYE, BYE KITNA

Well, it was another losing week in Bitter Country, but luckily I tied "The Guy" and maintain my five game lead and still am the only combatant in my challenge, that the other two know nothing about, that is flying above .500. But before I get into this weeks picks let me address a few things from last week:

BASEBALL: Does anyone else want to slap Yadier Molina in the face or perhaps give him a quick jab to the neck? I don't know what it is about him, he just annoys the bajeezus out of me. And I hate when they start saying, "The Cardinals got help from the unlikeliest of players, Yadier Molina." Okay anyone who follows baseball knows that is exactly who you should expect to step up. Mark Lemke, hardly a superstar, but boy could he hit in the postseason. And of course you already know my feeling on Tim McCarver. What gets me, is, grass can't grow on rocks, yet McCarver has or at least had hair. Discuss amongst yourselves.

The funniest thing that happened during Game 7, was when they announced Jose Reyes was coming up, my special lady friend started singing, "Jose Reyes, Jose Reyes." Just like when they sing "Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius" in Planet of the Apes the musical. I laughed heartily. If I had a beverage in my mouth it would have been promptly spit out. Alas I did not and now on to the Week 8 picks:

After a look at the current standings (last week's results in parentheticals):
" Bitterness" - 52-48 (6-7)
" The Guy" - 47-53 (6-7)
" MMQB"- 45-55 (8-5)- Yes you read that correctly

CARDINALS @ PACKERS- Well Denny Green apparently blaming the Offensive Coordinator and dismissing him was not the answer. I like how Denny Green actually said he didn't agree with the play calling down the stretch of the Bears game. Like the Head Coach can't take over the reigns or say something? Well let's see Denny, you fire your OC and then put up a 9-spot on Oakland. OAKLAND! For cryin out loud! How does Denny Green still have a job? Well now they head to Lambeau against everyone's favorite gunslinger and, well, it just seems like it won't turn out well for the Cards. Packers win it 30-24

FALCONS @ BENGALS- Well this is doozy, for sure. Much as I suspected the Falcons are a somewhat inconsistent team, that could very well make the playoffs. Get this: Mikey Vick actually threw, yes threw, for four touchdowns! Well that may not happen again, at least for a long while anyways. I feel the Bengals are a good team, but I don't know how well they can shutdown the Falcons running game. If the Bengals can manage to stay out of jail between now and Sunday they'll win this one by a slim margin 27-26.

RAVENS @ SAINTS- Now Brian Billick, do you really think that Jim Fassel was the problem? I think it's time to take a long hard look in the mirror Brian. What you find may surprise you. This'll be close and I suggest taking the under as the Saints win it 9-5.

TEXANS @ TITANS- Another one of those classic battles, from the most historic of divisions, the AFC South. I mean aside from the Colts you are looking at three teams that have a long and colorful history. The Texans are red hot right now, riding that one game winning streak into Tennesee. While the Titans have now gone consecutive weeks without losing and something's gotta give. I take the Texans hot streak, because we know how well they dismiss the ghosts of the hallowed Coliseum. Oh and fun note the Titans home is now, also, the official home to the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl! Gaylord hotels? Really? That's the best name you could come up with? Who are the ad wizards behind this one? And who thought this would be a good sponsor for a college Bowl game? Anyways, Texans take it 17-16. (Check the name of one of the Gaylord hotels to your right.)

JAGUARS @ EAGLES- Oh Eagles, you do find tragic ways to lose, don't you? But in roll the Jaguars, who were embarrassed by the, is that right, the Texans? Eagles should start winning again, starting with this one 30-17.

SEAHAWKS @ CHIEFS- The Seahawks offense will be lead by Seneca Wallace? I thought he was like their fourth or fifth receiver? Well they can just run the ball and eat clock, right? Their running back is WHO?! Maurice Morris? Hey Maurice Carthon is out of work now, maybe he'd like to run for them this week. Just a thought. The Chiefs were fired up enough to beat the Chargers last week and they have Turner and Hooch! And Vel-J! All signs point to a Chiefs win, which will put the 'Hawks in a real hole in the AFC West, behind San Diego and Denver. Bummer. The Chiefs win it 22-19

49ERS @ BEARS- What a great TECMO matchup! Am I right?! Unfortunately, the 49ers are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, FAR removed from the TECMO glory days. Somewhere Tom Rathman is watching, drinking a Keystone Light out of the can, unhappy at what his former employer has become. Bears roll 27-6

BUCCANEERS @ GIANTS- I refuse to acknowledge this as Barber bowl, since no one acknowledged the Seahawks-Giants game as Hasselbeck Bowl! Wouldn't it be fun if they just mutually agreed to suit up for the other team and fool EVERYONE! That's something right out of the Patty Duke show. No? How about Sister, Sister? Better? Okay, ya bunch of uncouth heathens. Umm, I guess the Giants hold off a late B-Grad charge and win it 21-17.

RAMS @ CHARGERS- I'm still don't know what to make of the Rams. Or the Chargers, for that matter. This is close, but I don't think the Rams will have enough to overtake the Chargers in the confines of good 'ol Qualcomm Stadium. The Super Chargers are electric in this one and win it 31-23.

COLTS @ BRONCOS- This is a great matchup, as is a battle between an actual colt and an actual bronco. While a colt may be younger and faster, the bronco is of course untamed and there ain't no accounting for that my friends! Also the Broncos have allowed only 2 "garbage" touchdowns all season, and I don't care who you're playing (unless it's like the Helen Keller school for the blind and deaf) that's gall-darn impressive. This is the biggest test the Broncos "D" has had thus far this year. And while, I don't know for sure if they'll keep that stud Peyton out of the endzone they will prevail in this one 17-13.

JETS @ BROWNS- Ahhh, the matchup we've all been waiting for! Okay that's a bold-faced lie, but it will be interesting seeing two former Belichik disciples going toe to toe, mano a mano, head to....well you get the picture. Now the major sports writers may have not found out this little tid bit, but the losing head coach is buying the winning head coach pizza after the game. That's a hot lead and only "Bitterness" was able to bring it to you. When pizza's on the line go with Mangini, trust me! Jets take it 25-17.

STEELERS @ RAIDERS- My mom always said if you didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. But then again, that would make this a pretty boring blog. Irregardless, I'm just giving you the score. Steelers 27-13

COWBOYS @ PANTHERS- Romo phrases and slogans Dallas fans missed out on:
All roads lead to Romo
Romo Arrogato
Romo-sexual (That's Billyball's)
Romocop
The Romo-n Empire
more to come, rest assured......
The Panthers don't create a welcome atmosphere for Romo's first start on Sunday night and win it 21-10

PATRIOTS @ VIKINGS- Two teams who generally play close games. Look for much of the same in this one. Patriots win it 24-23.

That's my blog, I'll try and do better next time.

WEEK 7: KITNA RIDES AGAIN

Can you believe it's week 7 already? An boy was week six kooky! Rams, Seahawks down to the wire, the Saints fighting off the Eagles and that Monday Nighter was insane! Well before I jump into the week 7 picks we're gonna talk a little basbeball. Well, not so much baseball, as FOX's lame-ass coverage of it. I mean the announcers are terrible and what the hell is up with the FOX Trax pitch thing? I mean how is a box down in the lower right hand corner of my screen helping anyone. Why can't they put a box over the plate? Does ESPN have the rights to that? And why does FOX still insist on putting in all those flashy graphics and random robot things? Is anyone tuning in because of this? Is there one guy in Des Moines, IA saying," I didn't used to like baseball, but FOX makes it so darned entertainin'what with their flashy graphics and whatnot!" C'mon, give me a break! And who is Tim McCarver sleeping with to still have a job? During the Tigers-Yankees series, he was saying early in one of the games that the home plate ump's corners looked like they were gonna vary all night, because he was calling a very inconsistent strike zone. At the end of the game, he praised how well the game was called behind the plate. Huh? I mean when was the last time Tim McCarver made a valid or pertinent point, 1975? And yes Tim, we all know the last time the Mets won was in 1986 when they beat the Red Sox, is it necessary to keep bringing up! Why don't you also mention that milk comes from cows and George W. Bush is the president?! Or did I just ruin that for ya Tim? Here's a fun little thing google, "Tim McCarver sucks" and sift through the 20,300 or so results that show up. Alright enough of that wonderful return to bitterness here at, well, "Bitterness", here come your week seven picks with some baseball seasoning:

But first a look at the current standings:
Bitterness: 46-41 (6-7)
The Guy: 41-46 (7-6)
MMQB: 37-50 (5-8)

JAGUARS @ TEXANS : Man, I remember sittin down with my dad on Sunday afternoons watching those classic Jaguars-Texans games of yore. Those were the days, ahhh. But sadly this is a rivalry that has lost it's way. I mean nothing will ever be as good as that '77 Jaguars-Texans battle in the Astrodome, sure. I mean, that was about as good as they come, or so my dad says. Even when the Texans started to stink and they pulled off that upset in '88 to keep the Jaguars out of the playoffs, whoooo! I only hope they honor those old teams and wear some throwback uniforms in this one! Jags take it 23-10.

CHARGERS @ CHIEFS: If I'm gonna nickname the Chargers runners Turner and Hooch than Philip Rivers should be Reginald VelJohnson's character "David". But "David" is kind of a weak nickname, so I'm thinking eithr Reg or Vel-J. We'll see. Anyways, there should be no reason that Vel-J, Turner and Hooch can't dominate the Chiefs like the Steelers did last week as the win it Andy Hawkins to Jamie Quirk (That's 40-9 for those not up on your uniform numbers of random 80s baseball players).

PACKERS @ DOLPHINS: I don't care what anyone says, the Dolphins are still winless in my book, no matter what the NFL says. I keep sending those strongly worded emails to "Mr. Excitement" Roger Goodell, but he still says the win over the Titans counts. Bahhh! Moving on. For a good stretch of time, let's call it the 90s and the early stages of the 21st century, sports fans in Wisconsin could turn to the Packers in September to help them forget about the summer months filled with many a Brewers loss, but sadly those days are behind them and now they have to try and hope for the Bucks to help ease their pain. Good luck with that. Oh yeah, a prediction, sorry. The Dolphins have struggled and everyone knows the propensity of a gunslinger like Brett Favre to eat a team like that up, so here's a Packers win to hold Wisconsinites off until the Bucks start up. Pack take it Ben Ogilvie to Jeff Conine in his first stint with the Marlins or 24-19, as two missed field goals by Snowflake really hurt the 'Phins.

STEELERS @ FALCONS: These two cities have quite the baseball history, with the Braves twice ousting the Pirates from the playoffs. But Mike Vick, Warrick Dunn and Alge Crumpler are no Ron Gant, Mark Lemke and David Justice. Plus rumor has it that Doug Drabek has taken Ben Roethlisberger under his wing, so the sky's the limit in the Steel City. Not really, they're still overrated, it's just an expression really. Anyways the city of Pittsburgh gets some revenge against those Tomahawk Choppin' Braves fans in the Georgia Peach Dome and win this one Bobby Bonilla with the Pirates to Brian Hunter or 23-14.

BRONCOS @ BROWNS: I could do something about Cleveland hosting Denver bringing back memories of "the Drive" by John Elway (not to be confused with "Drive" by Larry Bird, a good read, if you have the means I highly recommend picking it up. It got me through a lot of rough times.) but I won't I will just talk about how I'm not gonna talk about it and just tell ya that the Broncos will win a tight one David Nied to Matt Williams with the Indians or 17-9


EAGLES @ BUCCANEERS: The Eagles very well could be undefeated, but they are not and that's all that matters right now. The Buccaneers are ready to take a big turn and do some damage with B-Grad at the helm. So I like the Eagles to win but it'll be close they'll only escpae by a Keith Moreland with the Phillies or by six for those not down with Keith Moreland 20-14

PANTHERS @ BENGALS: The Panthers have won four straight game including last week's win against the Ravens, while the Bengals are headed in the opposite direction, losers of two straight. The Bengals need this one bad as after this they still have to face Atlanta, Baltimore twice, the Steelers, San Diego, New Orleans, a fiesty Browns team, Denver and Indy. The only "cream puff" left is the lowly Raiders, so heading into that stretch at 3-3 could be "Bad News Bears, Walter Matthau" for them, if ya know what I mean. I think Heisman finds the strength to lead them to victory as they win by Joe Oliver, 23-14.

PATRIOTS @ BILLS: How do you recover from being the first team to lose to the Lions? Why by beating the defending division champs. Hey it could happen. I'm not saying it will, but it could. I will say this, Jim Kelly has to be a big fat liar (and I'm not talking about the well-written movie with Paul Giamatti and one Mr. Frankie Muniz)! you see my friend Bill told me that Mr. Kelly was a widely known Republican, to wit I replied, "Ummm, ahahaha, Bill how can he be a Republican, he ran the K-gun?" That's right, the K-GUN! Hardly a conservative offensive approach , I would say! Pish-tosh! I kid, Jim Kelly is a handsome and fine fella, even if he did have a career 51-3 record against the Pats. That stat is of course made up. Pats win it by an Ed Romero, 28-21.

LIONS @ JETS: As it happens Lions and Jets fans may have more on their mind come Sunday afternoon, as the Tigers and Mets could have just played game one of the World Series on Saturday night. This is especially good for Detroit because if the Tigers win it all, then that will carry them for a few months and they might not realize just how bad the Lions really are until late November, early December. Or, perhaps, they'll just jump right to the Red Wings and Pistons, and forget the Lions even exist, who knows. Sort of like, if the Lions go 3-13 this year, would anyone in Detroit know? Well Kitna is poised to make it two in a row but the Lions will fall short once again, losing Rick Aguilera to Chet Lemon or 38-34.

VIKINGS @ SEAHAWKS: Minnesota is the type of team that'll be in just about every game, and this one'll be no different. The Seahawks squeaked past the Rams last week, and sort of seem to not be as good as a lot of people thought. Sure they don't have Shaun Alexander anymore, I guess that's valid, but excuses only take you so far. Seattle is a tough place to play and I think the homefield edge will be enough in this one as the Vikings fans will not be gladden-ed by the outcome as they lose by a Steve Lombardozzi 21-17.

CARDINALS @ RAIDERS: Arizona is coming off one of the biggest choke jobs I have ever witnessed. It's not like losing a best of seven series after being up three games to none or anything, but it was bad. If the Cardinals lose this one, then Denny Green might just throw in the towel. I'm serious! I wonder if the Raiders have tried to see how mobile Dave Stewart is? He was a fireballer, I dunno? Cards win it by Storm Davis or 14, 23-9.

REDSKINS @ COLTS: The only thing going for the 'Skins is that the Colts have a fairly porous run defense. This one will actually be close for awhile, but the Colts will get it done once again winning it by an Al Bumbry, 24-23

GIANTS @ COWBOYS: Okay at this point I'd like to tell y'all a lil' anecdote. You see on Sunday I went to Pat's Sports Bar to drink, watch some football with the one Mr. Marcus Phelps. So we were there and of course there were four or five Cowboys fans, imagine our delight. So as the game goes on they are just ripping into Bledsoe, blaming everything on the fact that he was QB and not the great Tony Romo. Now I would like to applaud Randy Cross, who more or less stuck up for Bledsoe every chance he could. After Bledsoe threw a ball away from the Texans' five, the boo birds were out in Dallas and at Pat's. Cross brought the replay up and said, "Okay, you be the QB.." and proceeded to x-out every reciever that was covered, giving Bledsoe no option but to throw it away. Then saying, "Where did you want him to throw it?" Now at this point the the Cowboys fans at Pat's now blame Parcells' play call. Okay, now say what you will about Bill Parcells, he's a pretty good football coach and he has coached the same way for all 87 years of coaching, and in that same breath he took a Cowboys team quarterbacked by Quincy Carter to the playoffs! So maybe you should think before you speak. Of course to add fuel to the fire Parcells put in Romo late, with the game in hand and he went 2-2 with a TD. His first completion was an underthrown ball that came out funny and the other was almost a shovel pass to Terrell Owens. Hardly impressive, but sure the Romo chants will only get louder in the weeks to come. Giants will win this 13-10.

And that's how the cookie crumbles!

80s BASEBALL BOOK CLUB

It seems, that here at "Bitterness" we have been very one-dimensional lately, and that's just not right. So we've decided, in honor of the baseball playoffs being in full swing (Go Tigers, do it for Larry Herndon) to start the 80s Baseball Book Club. Here are just a few to wet the appettite in our first installment, with the first few to honor the final three teams still alive in the MLB Playoffs:

HERZOG: A well told tale of the life and times of Whitey Herzog. From his playing days with the Washington Senators all the way to his managerial heyday with the St. Louis Cardinals. His style of play was nicknamed "Whiteyball" based on the premise of defense speed and pitching. Herzog's philosophy also revolved around patient hitters. Sound familiar Billy Beane?

THE CASK OF AMONT-OQUENDO: A psychological tale of revenge, mystery and and a man who played many positions.

KEITH BE NOT PROUD: A refreshingly revealing portrait of a brilliant young ballplayer with a killer mustache. He is Keith Hernandez. This one is non-stop mustache ride! A real page turner!

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S BREAM: This is a wonderfully delightful read. featuring Sid Bream and a series of unforgettable adventures. You will enjoy the other colrful characters such as Puckett and O'Brien. A classic if ever there were one. Oh and Bream also sported a pretty sweet stache in his onw right.

ATLEE SHRUGGED: Ayn Rand's classic novel, that she considered her magnum opus, whatever the heck that means. It of course follows Atlee Hammaker as he tries to put the weight of the world on his shoulders. It hits a lot of life's great topics, such as social classes and the theory of sex.


HOWARD'S END: This follows the gripping tale of Howard "HoJo" Johnson right up until he called it quits. Through championships with both the Tigers and the Mets (hmm, interesting) all through the rough patch where he was falsely connected with the Howard Johnson hotel chain. Little known fact that until David Wright did it in '06 , Johnson was the last Met to win the NL Player of the Month. But every fairy tale must come to an end and that is what this is all about. (Tear)

A FAREWELL TO ARMAS: One of the best sluggers of the 80s, Tony Armas was a tribute to Venezuela. From Pittsburgh to Oakland to Boston to California, he touched the lives of many a baseball fan. But this brings us his final season and a tearful farewell to one of the 80s' best! He is now a Hall of Famer. In the Venezuelan Hall of Fame of course. With special prologue by Joe Sambito.

Well there you have it, the first selections of the 80s Baseball Book Club, hope you enjoy and happy reading!

BOYZ II MEN TOO

Well it's been a long time coming. But I figure it's time. I know a certain non-blogger who is probably getting giddy with excitement, even as we speak. You see five weeks ago two "boys" set out on the road, their destination: adventure and idiocy. Written in the first person, none of the names have been changed, so as to implicate everyone involved. This is their tale:
(this blog is rated immature for language, beer consumption and general idiocy)

Friday, September 8, 2006
It was early Friday evening. I was packed and rarin' to go. Billyball would be here any minute and then it would begin. Three days of debauchery with the fellas. We were headed to Philadelphia (the Sunshine State, gorgeous) to visit our altudinous friend, Jitter (just a big word for tall) for a few days. The specifics of what was in store for us, was sort of mired in some gray area. What we did know, was we were in store for something, well, something. Let's just leave it at that.

Billyball arrived home and threw some stuff together. Soon enough I was out of Bill's dreams and in to his car, the Cranberry Cruiser. We were off. The details of the ride are more or less inconsequential. Let's just say the only one that could have got us there faster was maybe Dick Trickle. It was a nice little drive and it flew by as we hit Philly a little after 10pm.

We arrived at Jitter's commode and were greeted in style.
And yes that is a Schaefer's in his hand. "The one beer to have when you're having more than one." Lookout! Their was also some Victory in store, for Bill and his sensitive uvula. We also met Jitter's cousin who may or may not be related to Mike Schmidt....
or Rollie Fingers. Or perhaps Chester A. Arthur. Really, the resemblance is striking! Now Jitter's cuz's real name is not importanat as he will only be referred to as Schmitty for the rest of this entry. We had a quick brew at Jitter's crib and then headed out to paint the town red, or maybe mauve. The first stop, Bob and Barbra's was nothing short of glorious. It is not just a local watering hole, but a museum. Pictures will speak louder than words on this one:











What'd I tell ya? You can't even begin to capture the atmosphere here with just three pictures. They had a live jazz trio playing and a special, which is no longer to be called a "Happy Meal", featuring a shot of whiskey and a can of PBR for four American dollars. Have mercy! You really have to go there to get the true feel of it. It is wall to wall PBR paraphenalia and it is a sight to behold. Plus look at the size of the beer mugs:Sadly, we could not stay here all night, as there was lots of time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that, reverse it. So, it was off to the next establishment, which name eludes me right now, but had some good stuff to offer.

We entered, letting some folks outside this place know that, "High Fives are free!" They looked scared. This was a nice little place, reminiscent of some underground coffee house.

I waited here for about fifteen minutes before realizing that the drinks were made and paid for on the other end of the establishment. Talk about fakse advertising.
This hockey game was once USA versus Canada, I believe. You can't really see it that well, but the game has been modified and is now good versus evil. All of the heads have been changed, complete with names on the back of their jerseys. Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden and Ronald McDonald were among some of the "skaters". Bill was not happy, as he hates being told what to do by walls:

But then I pulled out my "package" and well:

It was at this lovely beer cave that we would find a girl who we would make, regret her wardrobe choice for the evening:

What were the odds of her finding four dudes who were utterly fascinated with all things PBR? Bad luck for her. Well we wrapped up the night there and made a quick stop at Wawa's for some hoagies. We quickly found out they were out of a lot of stuff and we were forced to audible at the line. But, needless to say we, scarfed those puppies down whilst watching Jitter's Freaks and Geeks DVD and drifting off to sleep, where of course I am a viking! Well, that was the Friday recap (although it did technically go over into Saturday, if you want to be a dick about it).

Saturday, September 9, 2006:
Saturday moring was not, how shall we say, pretty.But we did find a diamond in the rough. The LaSalle student run television station, LaSalle 56. I think we seriously watched this for about 8 hours, not really sure. It started with a spelling bee for student contestants featuring words that were tough for the average joe, like Qatar ( pronounced kAY-tar, I think). It was good fun. Then we caught quite possibly the best public or student access show I had ever had the privilege to watch. It was called How Many Idiots.... Now I am still trying to find footage from this show, but thus far to no avail. It was a little sketch type show and we were in stitches from the get go. After that was the Q&A marathon! A game show that features such segments as, "Hammer Time", where the first team to do the named dance correctly and more betterly would win the points or the segment where they had to sing a selected TV theme song to win the points. The star of this station is Ryan Barry. He is the co-host of Q&A and appears in How Many Idiots and he is a show stealer!

Well, after sitting around all day it was time to grab some grub. We headed to Abner's:

where I was told they had the best chicken cheese steaks around. And they were delicious! We also met up with Baxter here. I don't have any pictures, but he sort of looks like this guy:
From Abner's we were headed to the Victory Brewing Co. for a factory tour. We would be met there by Javen and TT, yippee!
The tour was both educational and entertaining. We stayed around and had a few brews to wet the whistle, as well as some sweet potato fries, which should be called sweet ass potato fries, mmmmm! Good times were had. If you've never had a Victory brew than what the hell is the matter with you?! Anyways they are suuuu-perb! Moving on.

We headed back to Jitter's pad to regroup, grab some Schaefer's and map out a gameplan for the evening. We went to a nice little watering hole where they had some delicious beers and Roast Beef sandwiches. Sort of like a Philly version of Clark's, except with tvs. We watched the Ohio State-Texas game and slowly the conversation turned to jerseys. We discussed what would be the ultimate jersey to have for each NFL team. Some of the winners include Karl Mecklenburg, Percy Snow, Tim Krumrie and John Hand. We also decided it would be sort of awesome if some dudes were seen together, each wearing a different Amp Lee jersey. Genius. After Ohio State drubbed the Longhorns we moved on, to the Bishop's Collar, not to be confused with the Bishop's Cellar. This was a one and done. But we were entertained while we were there, by the finding of a balloon and the playing of a little game called "Keep it Up". The rules were simple you had to keep the ballon "up" in the air. Annoying to the other patrons, enjoyable to us. We then moved on to a quaint little place where Bill and I were introduced to the game of "Scoff". All you need is beer and at least 3-4 idiots. We were in business. Here's how it works. There is a cup in the middle of the table. Everyone puts one finger on the rim and then you go around and count 1-2-3 and then a number equal to or less than the number of people playing. But here's the rub, when the counter says three everyone must pull or leave their respective digits on the cup. For instance if five people were playing I could say 1-2-3-2. Now if there were in fact two fingers remaining on the cup, I am out. If there is any amount of fingers other than two on there, then I am still in and the next person goes, until one is left and he or she is left to drink the middle cup. It's great fun at the bar and we even met some nice gentlemen who joined us. One, who told us of how he saw Mike Schmidt in LA, playing for the Dodgers, throw a guy out from right field. Now, to my knowledge Mike Schmidt never played right field or for the Dodgers. And it turns out that, I was correct as Schmidt was drafted by the Phillies and played every season with them. Drunk people are awesome! And soon enough, another day was in the books.

Sunday, September 10, 2006:
Sunday morning was rough:
But we had a big day ahead of us, as the NFL season was about to get going with a full slate of games! Jitter was giddy:

And Javen was ready too:
We were off to get some light disc golfing in before the games. So we stopped and picked up Baxter and headed to Sedgley Woods.

We couldn't get a full eighteen in, as kickoff was rapidly approaching and only Baxter had a jersey on! So we headed back to jersey up. Here's who was wearing what:
Bill: Mike Williams, Bills jersey
Jitter: Classic Brian Sipe Jersey, with nothing on the front.
Baxter: Brian Urlacher, Bears
Myself: Aaron Brooks, Saints
And of course Schmitty and Javen were, well, see for yourself:

Oh and of course, don't forget the hometown team represented by some dude:
That's right it's a real Ricky Soul jersey!
We also met Jitter's friend at the Blarney Stone, who was rockin a Steve Tasker jersey. Yep, you heard me. We signed up for the special which was some amount of money for all you can drink and all the wings you can eat and observed the most important rule they had:
If you can't quite read it, it says "No popped collars"
We were somewhat dang-itted when we realized we had to re-up for the four 'o' clock games. Nevertheless, still a good deal as we did some damage to their special, and our insides. Among the fans on hand, were a Titans fan, a couple of Seahawks fans, a Raiders fan and of course the Eagles contingency. Shortly after the second wave of games began, they pulled out the old NES for some Tecmo Super Bowl. Oh it waaassssssss beautiful.I edged out Javen, who was a little off his game, and then fell to Billyball. I'm not really very good at the game to begin with. Couple that with the fact that I hadn't played in ages and it wasn't looking good for me in the bar tourney later that evening. You see evryone drew a team from the hat, which is fine, but I drew the Arizona Cardinals. Let's just say, that despite a stellar defense featuring Freddie Jo Nunn, Ken Harvey and Randall "weee, wee, weee" Jax, I lost and leave it at that. Soon enough Billyball and I were on the road home, leaving this breathtaking weekend behind us. Although it still stays with us in spirit!