WEEK FIVE: NO COUNTRY FOR OLD KITNA

Due to some whathaveyous, I'm gonna have to kind of give you a quick hitting version of this week's picks. Not to worry though, next week "Bitterness" will reemerge with the thunder! Now on with the show!

VIKINGS @ RAMS: I cannot envision many scenarios in which the Rams would win this game. Um, let's see, if the Vikings starters are inflicted with swine flu, maybe, maybe the Rams will have a chance. So, barring any sort of plague befalling the Vikes, Rams will lose. Vikings 28-10

COWBOYS @ CHIEFS: Did you notice that, for the most part the one o'clock games are pretty lame? The Cowboys are about as inconsistent as they come right now. Well sort of. They beat bad teams and lose to teams that are mediocre or above. Using that rationale, I'd go with the 'Boys 38-21

REDSKINS @ PANTHERS: One of my favorite stats I've seen thus far this year, is that the Redskins have yet to face a team with a win. Not a winning record, a win. Giants (0-0), Rams (0-1), Lions (0-2), Bucs (0-3). And the trend continues with the winless Panthers this week. Unfortunately the 'Skins have not looked impressive in any of these games and Mark Rypien's not walking through that door. Panthers 24-20

BUCCANEERS @ EAGLES: Westbrook healthy + McNabb healthy + Jackson healthy= bad news for the Bucs. Eagles 31-17

RAIDERS @ GIANTS: Will Eli play or not? Will it matter? Giants 28-17

BROWNS @ BILLS: Well, someone's gotta win. Bills 24-20

BENGALS @ RAVENS: Probably the best early game going on Sunday. Bengals are the feel good story thus far, but the Ravens can change that in a hurry, bringing Cincy and their fans back to Earth for at least a week. Ravens 21-14

STEELERS @ LIONS: Get your tickets for the Duante Culpepper experience now, while they're still available. Steelers 31-21

FALCONS @ FORTY-NINERS: One of several intriguing four o'clock matchups. The Falcons are rested and have had to think about that clunker they had in Foxboro, but the Niners are playing inspired football. Niners 17-13

PATRIOTS @ BRONCOS: The Broncos are the most overrated 4-0 team out there. That's not to say they're not good, they just haven't proven it yet. The Patriots historically struggle in the mile-high air, and Josh McDaniels is a Belichik protege. Look for the lame duck handshake after Denver moves to 5-0. Broncos 17-13

TEXANS @ CARDINALS: This one has all the makings of a high falootin', gunslingin', all or nothinin', desert shootout. Cards 42-37

JAGUARS @ SEAHAWKS: Hey, what was with those electric green jersey the 'Hawks were sporting the other week? Um, Seahawks the World League of American Football called, they want their jerseys back. Seahawks 25-22

COLTS @ TITANS: Love that people want to bench Kerry Collins for Vince Young. I can't say it's an all out terrible idea. I mean if anything he adds a different dimension the defense has to account for, and no I don't mean "suckiness". Honestly I don't see what they have to lose? If they lose everyone will be critical of whatever Jeff Fisher does anyway, might as well look like your trying to do something. They're already four games back in the division, with 12 to play, for Pete sake! Colts 34-24

JETS @ DOLPHINS: I realize the Dolphins did some thing last year, but this is already the second time they've been on Monday night! And both games in Miami, on that atrocious looking field? That's just makes me mad. Come on! Jets 21-17

And now your Cheeeeeeeese!

WEEK FOUR: WHY DID I NEVER CALL KITNA "KIT-KAT"?

RAIDERS @ TEXANS: The Texans are not a playoff team. I said it before the season started, and I am saying it again now. Of course you don't need to be a playoff contender to beat the Raiders, because they are not good at football. Is it just me or does it get harder and harder, week after week, to figure out exactly why the Raiders cut Jeff Garcia loose? Texans 27-10

TITANS @ JAGUARS: Time to panic in Tennessee? Possibly. If they lose to the Jags they may as well call it a season. This is an absolute, without a doubt, no question about it, bread and butter, black and white, must win game for the Titans. And like the Titans of yore, win they shall! Titans 24-17

RAVENS @ PATRIOTS: This one fixes to be a good old-fashioned boondoggle! Whatever the heck that means? Did the Patriots really prove themselves against the Falcons? Did they? Did they? DID THEY?! Maybe. But the Ravens are running on all cylinders. Every single cylinder. There is not one cylinder, NOT ONE, that they are not running on. Ravens 24-20

BENGALS @ BROWNS: Wow! What a surprise win by the Bengals last week, right? Oh wait, that was my upset special last week. Boom. The Bengals are better than most people think, but let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here, it's a long season, and I don't think the playoffs are in their immediate future. But what I really want to talk about is the utter putridity (I may have invented that word) that is the Cleveland Browns. More to the point, Mangini-us. How quick the tables can turn. It was only a couple years ago that the "genius" label was bestowed upon the young Mangini and now he is quite possibly the worst coaching hire in the last quarter century, and that includes Rich Kotite! And now he has replaced Brady Quinn, Medicine Woman with "Dandy" Derek Anderson. Or has he? Could this be another Mangini-sized rouse? A cunning attempt to trick the Bengals? Not only does Mr. Mangini seem in over his head most of the time, but he just seems to suck the life and happiness out of everything that is supposed to be fun, sort of like a dementor. He almost, almost, makes Bill Belichik look whimsical. Bengals 28-6

GIANTS @ CHIEFS: Tough to say how good the Giants really are. They beat the Redskins, who could very well be 0-3, the Bucs, who are 0-3, and the Cowboys, who are inconsistent at best. The path to 5-0 is pretty much paved in gold. Chiefs this week, Raiders next week. Current combined record of the Giants' first five opponents, 4-11. And one of those wins was because the Chiefs played the Raiders, and, well, one of them was likely to win that matchup. The another win was because the Cowboys played the Bucs. So those head-to-head matchups aside, makes that record 2-11. Seems like it's good to be the G-Men. The Giants that is. I am unaware if it is good to be the FBI. Giants 34-17

And now the lightning round, where the dollar values can really double!

LIONS @ BEARS: If the Lions win a game and nobody's watching, does it still count? I don't see that win over the 'Skins escalating into any sort of, what's the word, "streak"? Bears 27-18

BUCCANEERS @ REDSKINS: If there was any a time for Raheem "The Dream" to get his first win as a head coach, seems like this would be it. Even the 'Skins can't be that bad. Can they? Skins 21-12

SEAHAWKS @ COLTS: Seneca Wallace versus Peyton Manning. Hardly an epic matchup. Colts 31-17

JETS @ SAINTS: Probably the most intriguing matchup of the week. Good offense versus good defense. Well you know the old saying, "Offense wins games, defense wins championships." We'll see. Saints 24-20

BILLS @ DOLPHINS: The Bills secondary is battered up. If the already weak Miami passing game, wasn't starting a rookie at QB, I'd be concerned for the Billsies. Bills 17-10

NINERS @ RAMS: I think the Rams might get "creamed" with Glenn Coffee this week. 49ers 23-9

COWBOYS @ BRONCOS: A Broncos win could earn them a smidge of respectabilty, who knows. The point should be moot. Cowboys 28-20

CHARGERS @ STEELERS: Both of these teams are sort of shambles of their former selves right now. Philip Rivers probably won't throw for 400 yards in this one. Or maybe he will? I dunno. Steelers 24-21

PACKERS @ VIKINGS: Ah, the matchup many people circled on their NFL schedule, calendars. It's always a big moment when you take on a former teammate, in primetime, for the division lead. And when the Packers head to Minnesota to face former Packer legend Ryan Longwell, it will be no different. Packers 27-23

And now your cheese.....hats:

So, last week, was not so good, pick wise. So this week will definitely, possibly, maybe be better.

TITANS@ JETS: A good ol' clash of titans.....and Jets. Or is it? After letting Big Ben pick them apart at the end of the opener, the Titans proceeded to go out and get stumped by "the Schaub", wasting Chris Johnson's big day. Some say it's because there's no more Phat Albert Haynesworth, others say it's due to Jim Schwartz moving to the Lions' den. Me? Well it could be a bit of both, but what do I really think it is? Curse of Steve McNair. What?! Too soon? Titans 13-12

JAGUARS @ TEXANS: Houston, we have a problem. Sure the Texans beat the Titans last week, but how far can they go with this "defense"? First the Jets ran all over them, then the Titans. And what in the name of Kailee Wong was going on when Chris Johnson was just left out wide, all by his lonesome?! Absolutely ridiculous! So look for a big day out of Maurice Jones-Drew in a losing effort as "the Schaub" rolls up the yards and points. Texans 34-23

CHIEFS @ EAGLES: The Eagles defense should be hungry for redemption after Drew Brees lit them up last week. McNabb or no McNabb, that's bad news for Todd Haley and the Chiefs. Eagles 27-13

BROWNS @ RAVENS: Threw the Browns into CAM (Create an Adjective Machine) and it gave us, ungood, uberfutilous, and superawfulicious. Really paints a picture, don't it? The Browns are worse than bad and right now draw comparisons to certain other brown things. And we're not talking about Whatchamacalits, either. Ravens 31-9

GIANTS @ BUCCANEERS: Finally the epic, highly anticipated, kill or be killed, Derrick Ward Bowl I! No? Alright how about the "Most People Could Care Less and Forgot Derrick Ward Wasn't Playing for the Giants, Because Most People Confuse Him With Ahmad Bradshaw Anyway Bowl"? Seems wordy. I'm still not confident in Eli Manning, but I'm less confident in the Buccaneers. Giants 28-17

REDSKINS @ LIONS: Children of the Zorn have not exactly been an offensive juggernaut thus far, making this the trendy upset pick of the week. There's just something in my gut that tells me this isn't the week for the Lions. Of course that feeling could just be indigestion, who knows. Redskins 21-17

PACKERS @ RAMS: So, I picked the Packers to win the Super Bowl, and thus far they are making me look like a simp. But, BUT, this is the week where they turn it all around. Barely beating the Bears? In the past. Losing to the Bengals at home? Forget it! The new season starts Sunday for the Pack, where they will play like a well oiled machine and come 2010, make me look like Notre Damus! Or something to that extent. Packers 35-10

49ERS @ VIKINGS: One of the tougher games to pick this week. A few thoughts here:

1. Settle down Vikings fans, they beat the Browns and the Lions.
2. If the Vikings don't start protecting Brett Favre, they'll be seeing the highly scorned Tavarius Jackson, sooner, rather than later. (Jackson has been so insignificant, I'm not even sure I spelled his first name correctly and I'm not gonna look it up!)
3. May not mean anything, but the Niners have now one six of their last seven under Mike Singletary.
4. Brad Childress may just be a "D-bag". More to come on that.
5. Fact! This will not be a shootout.
6. Vikings 16-13

FALCONS @ PATRIOTS: Now this could be a shootout! Matty Ice's triumphant return to New England and he has been showing a great deal of poise. The Patriots need to prove they are still a tough draw, while the "dirty birds" need to prove they are the real deal. This could also be your typical Patriots statement game. Or not. Should be a fun though. Falcons 31-27

SEAHAWKS @ BEARS: Yeah, so remember when I said as long as Matt Hasselbeck was healthy the Seahawks would dominate the NFC West. I stand by that statement. Bears 24-21

SAINTS @ BILLS: Nothing like a game against the Bucs to right the ship, eh Dick Jauron? Now you can really get things rolling! It's not like you have the highest powered offense in the NFL coming to, oh, wait a tick. The Saints come marching into town Sunday, and Mark Kelso is not walking through that door! Saints 35-27

DOLPHINS @ CHARGERS: In week two, Philip Rivers threw for four-hundred some odd yards against the Ravens....and lost. The Dolphins had the ball for like eighty something percent of the game against the Colts....and lost. Interesting. Chargers 28-24

STEELERS @ BENGALS: Hard to believe, but if not for one miraculous play the Bengals would be 2-0. The Bengals are peskier than street urchins. Trust me, I know. They have pretty much shut down opposing running backs. And that list of running backs includes the one and only Correll Buckhalter, so they are for real. This does not bode will for "Not So Fast" Willie Parker. The Bengals are my upset special of week three. Bengals 27-21

BRONCOS @ RAIDERS: Is there a less intimidating 2-0 team than the Broncos? I submit that there is not! They could very well become the least intimidating 3-0 team ever if they can beat the Raiders. That's probably not asking very much, since JaMarcus Russell is the worst QB in the NFL. Broncos 17-6

COLTS @ CARDINALS: Peyton and the Colts offense should be on the field for more than in Miami. Bad news for the Cardinals. Colts 31-24

PANTHERS @ COWBOYS: They're calling this one the Maligned Quarterback Bowl! Okay, no one is calling that, but it is catchy, don't ya think? No? Eh. Despite the fact the Cowboys have never one a regular season game at Big TV Stadium, I think they'll be alrightish enough to beat the Panthers. Cowboys 28-23

And now you're cheese:

WEEK TWO: DELHOMME ON THE RANGE?

Sorry for the lateness of this weeks picks, but you'll get over it. In some ways week two is even harder to pick than week one. So many questions arise after week one. Will the Texans be this bad all year? Will "Fast" Willie Parker consistently get past the line of scrimmage? Is Jake Delhomme done being decentish? Are the Dolphins headed south? Is Dick Jauron eating? Is the rest of the AFC West catching up to the Chargers faster than we think? Well, we may or may not know the answers to these questions just yet, but we will soon enough. On with the picks!

TEXANS @ TITANS: Can't say I completely understand Chuck Cecil's defensive play calling towards the end of regulation and overtime against the Steelers, but "Chuck Wagon" will have a chance at redemption against the not-so-high-flying Texans in the Titan home opener. The Texans looked utterly baffled by the Jet 3-4 defense and Mark "Not so dirty" Sanchez in week one. Look for another rough week for Steve Slaton, against a very stingy Titan "D", while Chris Johnson and LenDale White run amok. Maybe this week Dunta Robinson can write "Throw it towards me Kerry" on his shoes, since his man will probably be open. Titans 24-17

RAIDERS @ CHIEFS: These two squads share quite a few similarities in this young season. 1) Play in the AFC West, 2) Coached by inexperienced head coaches 3) Predicted to suck, a lot, 4) Were double digit underdogs in week one, 4) Played a lot better than people expected in week one. Now if "Sandy" Cassel can start this week, it'll make some sort of difference, but the "Cable Guy", has got the "Silver and Black" fired up for the first time in like seven years. Plus Tom Cable, at certain angles, resembles Walter Sobchak. It's only a matter of time before an opposing team jumps offsides and he gives the refs an, "OVER THE LINE!" Raiders 27-24 (seems like a boring score until I tell you it's all field goals.)

PATRIOTS @ JETS: Rex Ryan's not going to be kissing any of the Patriots rings this week in the Meadowlands. Huh? Is that general practice? I get what you're saying Rex, but we need to work on your trash talk. Maybe you could have gone with something simple like, "We ain't scared of them." or "Bring it on." (Little known fact: Rex Ryan actually makes his team watch the cinematic classic "Bring it on" nights before games to fire them up. So far he's 1-0 using the uplifting Kirsten Dunst flick, so don't laugh.) Patriots 28-27

BENGALS @ PACKERS: A lot of people, myself included, thought this could be the year of the Bengal, until we checked our Chinese calendars and realized we were in fact wrong. Sure, it did take a miraculous, and extremely lucky, play by the Broncos to beat the Bengals last week, but seven points? SEVEN?! Carson Palmer was back. Maybe not at 100%, but he was back! He should have picked apart that porous Broncos secondary! That was a game the Bengals needed to have, what with a trip to Lambeau looming. Instead it looks like an 0-2 hole coming up for the 'Gals. Packers 30-20

PANTHERS @ FALCONS: Last year in the playoffs Jake Delhomme played one of the worst games a QB could play, until last week, when he upped the ante, playing even worse. Now, Panthers fans, I can understand your frustration, but remember, he did guide your favorite team to a 12-4 record and a playoff birth just last year. He has led them to a Super Bowl. And last week was the first week of the season. Sure that shouldn't be an excuse, but yet, inevitably players will come out and play terribly in opening games, year after year. Call it jitters, call it unreadiness (not a word), call it "Al", doesn't matter. I get it, he could have got a lot of cash for the clunkers he's thrown up there in the last two games. But they were separated by eight months. EIGHT MONTHS! I could understand if it happened in back-to-back weeks, but for now Panthers fans, Jerome Bettis, can we kindly just step away from the panic button, and see what happens? Give the guy a chance at redemption! After all he has given this storied franchise, it's the least you could do. Falcons 24-20

SAINTS @ EAGLES: Even if McNabb plays, Eagles fans can't possibly be sold on him being his usual self. The Eagles defense will keep them in the game, but in the end Drew Brees will just be too darned much for them. Saints 28-24

RAMS @ REDSKINS: Not even sure there's a bright side right now for Rams fans. Um, let's see. Oh, I got it, the Blues' season starts in less than two weeks! Although I guess if you're a Rams fan, the "blues" started some time ago. Zing! 'Skins 27-10

VIKINGS @ LIONS: The good news is the Lions seemed much improved from last year. The bad news is they're still bad. It'll be closer than you think, but when you have Adrian Peterson at your disposal, you tend to win close games. Vikings 21-17

CARDINALS @ JAGUARS: I don't buy into that whole,"west coast teams can't win in the eastern time zone" baloney sandwich they keep serving us. Isn't it possible they just aren't as good as the east coast teams they are playing? look at the five 2008, regular season, eastern time zone losses for the Cardinals- Redskins, Jets, Panthers, Eagles, Patriots. Of those five teams, only the Redskins had a worse record, but they were 8-8, exactly one game worse than the Cardinals. Plus, didn't the Cardinals win in Carolina in the playoffs? Having said that, I'm picking the Jaguars 24-23

BUCCANEERS @ BILLS: Is it just me or does Dick Jauron need to eat something? A couple of times they cut to his hollowed visage, I thought, “If you paint him Boo Berry Blue, he'd look like Skeletor.” Anyway, by the power of Jerry Gray's skull, the defense looked solid on Monday. The special teams, well.....no, I am not going to rehash what happened on Monday night. Bills fans don't need to here it. I'm not gonna bring up the fact they were riding the gravy train with biscuit wheels to victory against the dynastic Patriots. No, because I have class goddammit! Class enough to not mention that Leodis McKelvin should have taken a touchback late in the game or at the very least have just gone down, rather than fight for another unimportant yard, once out of the endzone. Bills fans don't need to be reminded of that or the fact that he fumbled, allowing the Butt Chinned One to need only 31 yards in under two minutes to take a lead they would never relinquish. No, I am not going to talk about any of that! I have too much respect for Bills fans (well the ones I know, at least) to do that to them. That's in the past, my friends, stop bringing it up already, jeez! Time to move on, the Bucs are coming to town, and that's good news Bills fans, because when I plugged the Bucs into my new "Create an Adjective Machine (CAM)” it gave me the word, abysmalistic! Bills 27-14

SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS: Uh-oh, a battle for first place in the NFC West! The Niners may prove all sorts of feisty this year, but in my humble opinion, with a healthy Hasselback, the Seahawks are once again the class of the NFC West. And yes, I have very little to say about either team. Seahawks 21-13.

BROWNS @ BRONCOS: Tough to say if there's a less watchable game this week. I submit that there is not! Yes, it's a battle of Belichik disciples, but that's hardly compelling. Surprised Mangini-us hasn't withheld who his starting QB will be, this week. Although it didn't seem the Vikings needed more than a couple of days to prepare for the Mighty Quinn, go figure? Anyone else think Mangini-us is over-thinking things a bit? I think this may actually be both the least watchable and the hardest to pick game of the week. Honestly, does anyone want to watch this? I thought not. I'm picking the Broncos, only because they're at home. Broncos 9-3

BEARS @ STEELERS: No Urlacher, no Polamalu, no worries! Yes both defenses will be without their lead actors, but they have a decent ensemble cast.. Even better than the ensemble cast of Soapdish! In any event, the QBs will take plenty of the match-up hype in this one. Something tells me the Bears might not lay down on defense if this one is close late, but Jay Cutler is up against more 3-4 shenanigans, which is Bad News Bears, Walter Matthau, for him! Steelers 22-13

RAVENS @ CHARGERS: The Bolts were not all that impressive against the simplistic Man-Safety Raiders defense thrown at them on Monday night. I know, it was a Man-Safety defense because Steve Young mentioned it 700 times in the first half. It's a rough estimate, I didn't actually count. You'd think the Ravens would offer up a slightly more complex defensive game plan, although Brodie Croyle and the Chieves made things a bit Jim J. Bullock, or too close for comfort, on Sunday. But the Ravens did provide us with another great moment in sports gambling history, inexplicably going for another touchdown, late, with the game seemingly in hand, to just beat out that 13-point spread. The Baltimore underworld thanks you Jon “don't call me Jim” Harbaugh. Ravens 28-24

GIANTS @ COWBOYS: Considering “Yugo” Williams and company ran all over the Boys in week one, Brandon Jacobs should have no trouble bowling over them in week two. I wonder if Romo or Eli, upon seeing intense coverage down field will try and hit the Jumbotron, to get a replayed down. Just want to see one of them hurt there arm, is that too much to ask? Ah well, Giants 27-21

COLTS @ DOLPHINS: The Colts juuuuuust edged out the Jags last week, but should have less trouble with the other Floridian squad. Meanwhile the 'Phins are looking to rebound from their week one loss in Hotlanta. I don't see it happening, not with Chad Pennington anyway. Colts 31-14

And here's your cheese:

FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. McNabb's Ribs- Sound like a place I'd go for some good ol' fashioned BBQ, but alas it is not. D-Nabb's ribs, cracked, broke or whatever, should not be tested in Week 2. I'm no doctor, but it seems like it'd be hard to throw a football with rib problems.

14. Jay Cutler Hype- I've said it before and I'll say it again, what exactly has Jay Cutler shown us? Maybe, just maybe, he's an upgrade from Kyle Orton, but really, who isn't?

13. Wildcat- Really I'm just sick of hearing about the "Wildcat". Formations like this and similar to this have been around for ages, but someone has sustained success (game and half or so), gives it a name, and it becomes all the rage. Blah!

12. Eric Mangini- Seems like the Vikings didn't need more than a few days to prepare for Brady Quinn. One can only imagine what would have happened with Derek Anderson at the helm. Does anyone else think Mangini-us is just overthinking everything to find a competitive edge?

11. Texans- The Jets are improved yes, but the Texans just looked baffled out there on Sunday.

10. Reggie Bush- Someday he's gonna prove he can be an RB1, but that seems to be a long way off.

9. Lions- Although improved, losing your 18th game in a row, is still futile.

8. Jon Gruden- Overall, seems to be a nice addition to the booth, but he called Matt Light, Todd Lyght at least three times on Monday night.

7. Todd Lyght- Poor guy's been retired for quite some time now, and he's getting blamed for pressure on Tom Brady. That and from his name you'd think he was white. And I got him confused with Todd Houlihan!

6. Mike and Mike and Steve- Didn't watch the whole game, but what I heard was more than enough for me to not want to listen. Is it just me or does Mike Greenberg have the perfect voice for print media?

5. Buccaneers- They're just not good.

4. Pittsburgh running game- Well Willie Parker got to the line "fast", but tough to gage his speed from that.

3. Chuck Cecil- Maybe there's someone out there who can explain why he stopped applying pressure to Ben Roethlisberger late in the game?

2. Jake Delhomme- Anyone who watched the Carolina game or just read JD's line, knows what I'm talkign about.

1. Leodis McKelvin- Nothing like making a dumb play to, for all intents and purposes, cost your team the game, and have no remorse about it. The thing about this is, Bobby Avril is one of the best Special Teams coaches there is, and I can't imagine he didn't tell Leodis to take a touchback if he could. Am I right? Sure, no guarantee the Bills win anyway, but the odds are probably a lot better, if you don't give Tom Brady the ball at your 31-yard line with about two minutes left.

SUNDAY MORNING AUDIBLE: COOL YOUR JETS

It's finally here! The games now have some sort of meaning. Sure, there was a game played already, but us true football fans know that today is the day when it really gets going! But here are some other truths you should be prepared for as we sit less than two hours away from football:

• Prepare to have your mind blown. I guarantee you, at least 3 things will surpirse you in Week 1.
• Brett Favre will have a decent game, win against the Browns, and start up the Favre praise-a-tron 3000. Let's everyone just settle down before it happens. He's playing THE BROWNS! Also he has Adrian Peterson! Let's not go through last year again, where everyone lauded him for beating the Dolphins, mostly because his receivers bailed him out a couple of times. So please, can we just stop this before it starts?
• Be ready to hear the term "Wildcat" uttered some hundred and seventy odd times. Now remember plenty of teams used versions of the "Wildcat", the Dolphins just used it more, because, well, their standard offense, um, sucked.
  
• Week one is so meaningful and yet so meaningless. I picked the Colts and Eagles to be upset in week one. If this or any other upset occurs, the talking heads, not the band, will be eager to point out all the flaws in said upsetee, and wonder if they are in trouble. Sure, they may be in trouble, but let's wait it out, shall we? Remember last year when the Colts lost the opener, and then barely escaped going 0-2? People were all up in arms, "The Colts aren't the same, they'll have trouble making the playoffs, yada, yada, yada." And lo and behold, somehow they managed to make the playoffs.
• The Dolphins will not be as good as last year, and not just because people are "ready" for the "wildcat", but because they're not good.
• Somewhere a first year coach will win a game. Read nothing into this.
  
• If I'm right and the Colts do lose, the media will say it's because Tony Dungy and Marvin Harrison are gone. But there's a chance they could have lost this game with Dungy and Harrison. Who really knows?
• Eric Mangini, and the rest of the football watching world, will realize the Vikings didn't need more than a week to prepare for Brady Quinn.
• Chad Ochocinco will score a touchdown, and somehow incorporate insulting Skip Bayless in his celebration.
• Pizza Hut will continue to boggle the mind with their "celebrity" endorsers. Tommy Davidson too big for "the Hut", BOOM, enter Jim Breuer. So who could be on-deck? Breckin Meyer? Shirtless Guttenberg, perhaps?
• Shannon Sharpe will sputter more sentence fragments than any other announcer out there.
• Matt Cassel won't start for Kansas City. Well, now they won't beat the Ravens. Try and note the sarcasm.
• Drew Brees will throw for 427 yds and 3 tds against the Lions. Yes his numbers will be down, cause he will sit out the fourth quarter.
• The Redskins and Giants will bore the ever-loving crap out of anyone watching. If you like running between the tackles, inconsistent passers, field position battles and pooch punts, you'll love Giants-Redskins!
• The Buccaneers will be the least relevant fantasy team. Seriously, if you're starting a Buc, you're probably in trouble.

Well, that concludes our first Sunday Morning Audibles of the season, enjoy the games!

WEEK ONE: WHERE'S KITNA?

You've waited and waited and it's here, it's finally here! The football season is practically upon us and with it your much anticipated, highly beloved, "Bitterness" weekly picks! Please, control your excitement, sit back, stop scouring the internet for the collector's edition DVD of "Inside Schwartz" and enjoy! (record in parentheses are our predicted records for the upcoming season)

TENNESSEE (10-6) @ PITTSBURGH (12-4): The Steelers title defense begins Thursday at the Ketchup Packet against the Titans. I don't anticipate this one being a high scoring affair. The Titans will miss "Phat" Albert Haynesworth, sure, but they should still be pretty tough defensively. That being said, I don't think they can "out Steeler" the Steelers in week 1. If this game took place in, say, week eight or nine, or in Tennessee, than maybe I'd give the Titans a better chance. Plus I just don't see Kerry Collins shredding the 'Burgh's "D", now, or ever. It'll be close, but the Champs will be the first team to one win. Steelers 24-17

DOLPHINS (6-10) @ FALCONS (11-5): A matchup of two of last year's surprise teams. As you can see from my predicted records, I feel one of these teams will come crashing back down to earth. The Dolphins will not build on last year's success, win the division, make the playoffs or even finish .500. And no, it's not just cause everyone has had time to prepare for the "Wildcat" (fun drinking game for the upcoming season, drink every time you here an announcer say "Wildcat"), but simply because the Dolphins just won't be as good. Not that the likes of Chad Pennington, Ronnie Brown, Greg Camarillo, Ted Ginn, Jr., and Anthony Fasano aren't an intimidating offense....The Falcons on the other hand are more of the real deal, I think. The addition of Tony Gonzalez, can only help Matty Ice, especially in the Red Zone. Seems like I'd pick the Falcons to blow the Dolphins right outta of the Georgia Dome, but it's week one, and that's where perceptions get blown to smithereens, sooooo.....I'll have the Dirty Birds escaping by the skin of their teeth. Falcons 21-20

CHIEVES (5-11) @ RAVENS (10-6): Everyone needs to just cool their jets on the whole Sand Cassel hypitty-hype, okay? In my mind, he's proven diddily-squat. Last year's numbers were a result of a GOOD "SYSTEM"! He now has a mediocre, at best, offensive line, a disgruntled Larry Johnson and Dwayne Bowe. Yes, THE Dwayne Bowe. Hardly the fixins for a Playoff gravy train, if you ask me. The Ravens, will be the Ravens. Yes Rex Ryan is gone, but the defense is still Top 5 and Ray Rice is gonna run silly. As in he will run for a lot of yards, not in a silly looking manner. Plus Joe Flacco "Seagulls" (thanks Bill), in theory, should only get better, especially with Todd Heap-ing Helping returning to form.
Ravens 24-13

EAGLES (10-6) @ PANTHERS (8-8): Hopes are high yet again in Philly, and that is somewhat warranted, but McNabb and Westbrook are old by NFL standards. They'll be competitive as usual, but don't go expecting a Super Bowl title or anything fancy like that. Meanwhile, don't sleep on the Panthers. I have them going 8-8, but anything can happen in that wacky NFC South. If Jakey D stays healthy the Panthers could, COULD, turn some heads. I really think they could be anywhere from 6-10 to 11-5. Panthers 27-21

BRONCOS (4-12) @ BENGALS (8-8): Watch out for the Bengals! Remember when the Bengals were the up and coming team of the future? That seemed to fade pretty fast, which means it's the perfect time for Cincy to sneak up on the rest of the league. The Broncos, however, will not be sneaking up anyone. Are they really ready to build an offense around Kyle Orton? But, Josh McD made "Sandy" Cassel look good in New England, so who knows, maybe he can make Orton, extra-Ortonary? And people make a lot out of the former Pats coaches, but what have they done? Mangini was run out of NY, Romeo Crennel did nothing in Cleveland, Charlie Weis helped guide Notre Dame to one of their worst seasons ever. Hardly a stellar selling point. I'll remain skeptical for now. Bengals 35-20

VIKINGS (11-5) @ BROWNS (3-13): Has anyone tarnished their legacy, more than Brett Favre? Remember the Vikes made the playoffs last year, with limited help from the quarterback position, so Favre makes them a borderline Super Bowl contender, now that opposing defenses will have to respect the pass, as well as the run. And they better be a contender, since Favre is a one and done, and they have pretty much insulted their other QBs. The Browns were, the "it" team heading into last season, but they ended up being more of a sh-, well you know. Can Mangenius turn this around? Not this year. Peterson runs wild! Vikings 23-9

JETS (7-9) @ TEXANS (9-7): The Texans should be a tough draw, week in and week out, for sure. Schaub, Slaton and Johnson make for a potent offense, while Ryans and Williams anchor what should be a pretty solid defense. The Jets should also have a stellar defense under Rex Ryan, but the quaterback situation is, well, not so great. Now, I'll try not to dirty Sanchez's reputation too early, but personally I'm not sold on the former Trojan man in any way, shape or form. Texans 28-14

JAGUARS (6-10) @ COLTS (11-5): Seems like not too long ago, this was a premiere AFC South slugfest, buuuuuuuuuut......The Jaguars have been heading in the wrong direction for quite some time now. Inconsisteny has been the main problem in Jacksonville, but they hope to have improved the team chemistry in the offseason to help with that. The Colts are, still the Colts, even with Jim Caldwell at the helm. Now, this is the game to get the Colts, I feel. That is why I am making this my week one UPSET SPECIAL! Jaguars 17-16

LIONS (3-13)@ SAINTS (11-5): Yes, I have more than likely, highly, overrated the Saints, but they are, I believe, very good. Drew Brees will take another whack at the passing yardage record, and the defense with Gregg Williams should be more than passable. Then there's the Lions. Ah, the Lions. The NFL's favorite punchline. The good news is the Lions should be better than last year. The bad news is, they'll still be bad, since it would be almost impossible to be worse than last year. But more good news for Matthew Stafford and Jim "Inside" Schwartz, as expectations are low, since they literally can't lose more games than last year's team. Sounds great. Saints 38-17

COWBOYS (11-5)@ BUCCANEERS (3-13): The 'Boys should be good, but not great, just like the last few years. No more T.O., no more Pacman, no more Q-bert. The only thing keeping Dallas from being serious contenders, in my mind, is Wade Phillips. Seems like a nice guy, but I don't think he's got the killer instinct to take them to the next level. I may have given the Bucs more wins thna they'll actually get. There's a good chance they'll be atrocious. But, the future is bright! Jon Gruden thinks Josh Freeman will be the "toast of Tampa" late in the season. Of course Jon Gruden also had me sold on Bruce Gradkowski , and, well, let's just say that didn't really pan out.......Cowboys 27-16

49ERS (4-12) @ ARIZONA (10-6): The Cardinals have high expectations after last year's Super Bowl trip, and should be able to avoid a let down this year. But a lot if that depends on Kurt Warner and if he can make it through another entire season. If he does they are once again a high-flying offense, with playoff aspirations. I'm not gonna sugar coat this, but The Niners don't have a lot of positives. But hey, if Michael Crabtree ever signs, he could provide a minor spark? I dunno, I tried San Franciscans. Cardinals 31-17

REDSKINS (6-10) @ GIANTS (11-5): This should be another exciting Redskins-Giants opener. The G-men should harass Jason Campbell and make him look even worse than he is, which is no easy task. Eli's overrated, but the defense and running game should help overshadow that in week one and, well, most of the season. Jason Campbell will have that luxury as well, but too a lesser extent. Giants 17-9

RAMS (1-15) @ SEAHAWKS (11-5): I'd call the Seahawks a sleeper pick, but I think plenty of people are aware of them, and hence, not sleeping on them. If Hasslebeck and his receivers manage to stay healthy, this is the team to beat in the NFC West. The Rams are gonna be at least as bad as last year. In all honesty I struggled to find them a win at this point, so it won't take much for them to surprise me. Seahawks 38-17

BEARS (10-6) @ PACKERS (12-4): I, among others, am high on the Packers, which means they will more than likely go 6-10 and not make the playoffs. But seriously, this is the year Aaron Rodgers makes Green Bay forget all about Brett Favre. Until the Packers play the Vikings in week four on Monday Night Football. The Bears are solid, but are the third best team in this division. And when did Jay Cutler become a savior? Has he ever proven himself? I'm not entirely sold on Jay-C as a clutch QB, but I'll guess we'll find out pretty quickly, how good he his, going to Lambeau on Sunday night, then hosting the Steelers in week two. Packers 20-12

BILLS (4-12) @ PATRIOTS (13-3): If Tom Brady goes down again, the Patriots could probably still win the AFC East this year. The Bills can really only surprise me from here. Their preseason was less than impressive, and they fired their OC days before the season starts. They have T.O., but can Trent Edwards keep him happy? More importantly can the Bills keep the fans happy? My guess is no, and this could be the beginning of the end for Dick Jauron, and the beginning of the beginning for Alex Van Pelt. Just give him a clipboard and let him create. Patriots 28-9

CHARGERS (11-5) @ RAIDERS (3-13): I do like that they give us two Monday night openers these days, but the drawback is the second game has to be in the Pacific time zone and too many times we get stuck with the Raiders. Now granted, a high profile matchup would only anger us East Coasters, cause we would want to stay up and watch it, so I guess it's lose-lose for ESPN. Maybe they should just go back to one game? I'm just saying, it doesn't do anyone anyone any good to add a game just for the sake of adding it. Does anyone think this will be a good game? Did anyone circle it on the schedule as a must watch? Did anyone notice how I avoided really talking about either of these teams in this blurb? Is blurb the right word for this? Do you care? Do I still have your attention? Do I still care at this point in the post? Chargers 31-10

And now my season predictions (asterisks indicate wild cards):
AFC East: Pats (13-3), Jets (7-9),'Phins (6-10), Bills (4-12)
AFC North: Steelers (13-3), *Ravens (11-5), Bengals (8-8), Browns (3-13)
AFC South: Colts (11-5), *Titans (10-6), Texans (9-7), Jags (6-10)
AFC West: Bolts (11-5), Chiefs (5-11), Broncos (4-12), Raiders (3-13)

NFC East: Giants (11-5), *Cowboys (11-5), Eagles (10-6), 'Skins (6-10)
NFC North: Pack (12-4), *Vikes (11-5), Bears (10-6), Lions (3-13)
NFC South: Saints (12-4), Falcons (10-6), Panthers (6-10), Bucs (3-13)
NFC West: Seahawks (11-5), Cardinals (10-6), 49ers (4-12), Rams (1-15)

AFC Championship: Chargers over Steelers
NFC Championship: Packers over Seahawks

Super Bowl: Packers over Chargers

If you're mad about any of my predictions, just remember my preseason picks, are rarely correct.

And now your cheese:

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT A-ROD

A now a very special "Bitterness" post, where I list all the things I like about A-Rod. So here we go:
















And this has been things I like about A-Rod.

CIRCUS ACTA

Finally! Finally, the Nationals let that dead weight, known as Manny Acta, go. I think I can speak for every member of National Nation, when I say, it is about frickin' time! You can only give a man so many chances. Manny Acta couldn't win despite being handed all the tools to make it happen.

Terrible General Manager? Check.

Awful farm system? You betcha.

More corner outfielders to clog the basepaths than you can wag a stick at? Most definitely.

Young malcontents? Of course.

An ace to carry the pitching staff? Um, hell-ooooo, John Lannan

Solid bullpen? Two words....Joel Hanrahan

The point here, is it's Crystal Pepsi clear that Manny Acta was given every chance possible to succeed. I mean how long could this go on for?

At some point the Nats front office had to be all, "Alright, we can't take anymore. How many more weapons can we give him to fritter away? It's like we've got the perfect blueprint for a top notch house, but our contractor doesn't know where the walls go! Honestly people, I cannot think of another major league manager who could not win with what we're giving him! It's ri-galdarn-diculous! He is ruining this storied franchise!"

So, fare-the-well Manny Acta. I don't know how you lasted this long, or how you will ever get another job in baseball, after ruining the sport altogether, in our nation's capital? But best of luck to ya, wherever you may land.

ROID RAGE

I am furious at Raul Ibanez! You read that correctly. Now don't get the wrong idea, I have been a fan of Raul Ibanez since he first burst onto the scene with the Royals. Anyone who had him on their fantasy team that year, was certainly a lucky duck. But I am so ticked at Mr. Ibanez, and let me tell you why.

A few weeks ago, the curious case of Raul Ibanez was examined, in-depth, in the blogosphere. Raul Ibanez was off to an absolutely torrid start, which basically led to the inevitable Performance Enhancer question. Why wouldn't it? Although if you read Joe Posnaski's take, you may wanna hold your judgments. But I am not here to throw Raul Ibanez in a lake and see if he can swim. No, no, I am here to help Raul Ibanez redirect his anger.

You see, poor Raul's fast start was somewhat called in to question here by JRod of the Midwest Sports Fan Blog. Now if you really read it, the author of the blog is really giving Mr. Ibanez the benefit of the doubt for the most part. He does not flat out say, "get a urine sample, cause Ibanez is cheating." He says several times that the sample size is too small and he is correct.

Of course Mr. Ibanez issued a statement denying he has ever used any sort of performance enhancing drug or supplement. But he also went to the big old bag of athlete cliches and came out with the, "who cares what this guy thinks? He's just writing a blog from his parents' basement" attack.

It is a classic, for sure, but what Raul and other athletes need to first realize is that people can actually use computers in lots of places. For, example I am typing this from the living room of my own apartment, that I pay for. Also before labelling these bloggers (who are fans) maybe take a look around at the world and culture in which you currently live and work. How many of your fellow athletes have a blog? How about a Twitter account? Blogs are everywhere and the whole "parents' basement" line gets less and less relevant with each passing day.

And think about this. Isn't an athlete judging and stereotyping the blogging community just as a bad as the blogging community jumping to conclusions about athletes using steroids? And if, athletes hold such little stock in what they say, why do the go out of their way to rebuff and attack them? Hmmmm? Hmmm? But I digress. I need to help Mr. Ibanez.

Now, Mr. Ibanez, I can understand your anger, who wouldn't? I mean no one likes to be accused of cheating, right? But here's the thing Raul. (May I call you Raul?) Unless you live under a rock, you had to see these accusations or rumors coming about at some point. I am not here to judge you, Raul (for what it is worth I do not think you took any sort of PEDs) or to speculate reasons for your fast start, but merely to really paint a picture for you.

You see, you are mad at a blogger, not the media, a blogger, for hinting at the fact you may be using PEDs, when he was, for the most part, trying to stick up for you and typing what I'm sure plenty of people were thinking. Raul, you need to redirect your anger. It is not the bloggers or the media who you should be angry with. No,no. It's the likes of Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmiero, Miguel Tejada, Alex Rodriguez, etc. whom you should really be mad at.

These fellas have ruined everything. No big numbers shall ever be looked at the same way again. At least not anytime in the near future. Yes, Raul, it is frustrating, no doubt, but let's not unfairly take it out on the blogosphere.

Blame it on the little circus sideshow MLB put on in front of Congress.

Blame it on Sammy Sosa forgetting his English at just the right time.

Blame it on Mark McGwire not wanting to talk about the past.

Blame it on Rafael Palmiero emphasizing his lies with a glare and finger point.

These are the ones you should be blaming.

McGwire, Palmiero and Sosa, were all nice, beloved ball players, who let us down. Sure Sosa and McGwire were really large and muscular, but Raffy? Come on! Who suspected that?

But, because of their little Congressional sideshow, baseball players everywhere are now guilty until proven innocent and that's just how it is gonna be, maybe forever. Baseball fans really have no choice, we've been burned too many times already.

I'm sure there are plenty of players out there not using PEDs of any kind, but unfortunately, that won't matter. We thought Rafael Palmiero was a nice upstanding ballplayer and look where that got us! How are we to believe anyone? Hmmm? Hmmm?

Dustin Pedroia says his favorite baseball movie is Major League, but how do we know he is telling the truth? How do we know his favorite baseball movie isn't really The Slugger's Wife with Noonan from Caddyshack? The answer is....we don't.

So, sorry Raul, I can understand your anger and your frustration, but if you continue to put up monstrous numbers, people will talk, rumors will abound, and you have to accept this. And again, I do not believe that you are getting "help", but when it comes right down to it, that doesn't mean squat.

All I ask of you Raul, is you realize where exactly your anger should be directed, and why these accusations surface.

It is not the media's fault, it is not a bloggers fault, it is not the government's fault, and unfortunately it is not even George W. Bush's fault.

I know it downright stinks Raul, but the best you can do is just keep doing what you are doing and ignore the doubters and the shouters.

Oh and maybe pee in a cup.

IN OTHER BREAKING "NEWS".....

So Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids and in other breaking "news'....

• Grass is green.
• The Nationals are terrible.
• Albert Pujols is a good hitter.
• Ice Cream is cold.
• Ladies love Derek Jeter
  
• Greg Maddux is a future Hall of Famer.
• Houston is in Texas.
• Roses are red and violets are blue.
• Hot dogs are delicious.
• Jack Cust strikes out a lot.
• Rain is wet.
  
• The grass is green.
  
• The seventh inning stretch takes place in the seventh inning, and.....
• Steve Gutenburg is one of the greatest actors of our time.
  

THE SCIENCE OF MARK TEXIERA

This is Josh Peck from Nickelodeon's Drake and Josh circa 2003, or is it? Is it "Josh"? Is it?! Or is it Mark Texiera, who has somehow mastered the intricacies of the space-time continuum and possibly cloning, when he was fourteen? Goin' back in time, creating an alternate self, changing his name so he could pursue his first love, acting? Hmmm? Hmmm?! Two Mark Texieras in one universe?! Or is it two Josh Pecks?! bet your mind is blown. But for further proof, I give you Exhibit X:



A picture is worth a thousand words, my friends.

IRABU-YAH?!

Earlier in the season I had wondered to myself what happened to Gustavo Chacin and the within a couple of days I saw a little blurb that he was in the Phillies system. Last week I mentioned how I miss Hideki Irabu so, and the next day I read that he has started his comeback tour (in the same rotation as Jose Lima nonetheless)! This got me thinking, do I have some sort of weird ability to think about certain former Major Leaguers, only to have them reappear in our lives? Could it be true? Well, one can only hope. But I need something to put it to the test, so I have decided to compile a list of Major Leaguers who just kind of dropped off of the baseball map, in our opinion, all too early, that we feel should make a comeback:

• Kirk Rueter
• Rocky Biddle
• Scott Spiezio
• Jung Bong
  
• Jeremi Giambi
• Alex Sanchez (one steroid bust and he just disappears?)
• Bob Hamelin (aw Hambone! You were the next Billy Jo Robidoux! And now, you are, well, almost actually, Billy Jo Robidoux. If you don't make a comeback can you please hunt down Billy Jo Robidoux and collaborate on some sort of project? Possibly a rib joint?)
  
• Benny Agbayani
  
• "Crazy" Carl Everett (come on, he ain't no dinosuar for crying out loud!)
  
• Luis Rivas
• Roger Cedeno
• Junior Spivey
  
• Rickey Ledee
  
• Byung-Hyun Kim (there was always something dirty sounding about his name?)
  
• Ben Grieve
• Kevin Mench (a real Mench!)
  
• Matt Franco
• Antonio Alfonseca
• Ugueth Urbina (well, okay he's in some third world prison, but one can dream)
• Shane Spencer
• Sean Burroughs
• Nook Logan (um, awesome nickname, we need him to help heal the country)
  
• Choo Freeman (see above)
  
• Ken Harvey
  
• Jason Simontacci
• Tike Redman (once the Pirates future, then....?)
  
• Wes Obermueller
• Rube Baker
  
• Scott Sauerbeck
  
• Eli Marrero (he's a stud in EA Sports MVP Baseball '05, what happened?)
  
• Amaury Telemaco
• Tomakazu Ohka
• Jonathan Lipnicki (okay, not a baseball player, but we think its time)
  
• Shea Hillenbrand
• Carlos Febles
  
• Tanyon Sturtze
• Timo Perez
• Hee-seop Choi (he can sop anything he wants, am I right?)
  
• Esteban Yan (hee-hee his name rhymes)
  
• Billy Koch

Alright, well now its just fingers crossed time.

ROUNDOFFS: MORE THAN MEETS THE EICHORN

• Houston Astros? More like Houston Lastrohs, am I right? I probably didn't come up with this, but I still think it's funny.
• Branyan watch: .324, 6HR, 14 RBI, 1.043 OPS. I think they should start flooding Seattle supermarkets with Raisin Branyan cereal any week now! No? Branyan Flakes?
  
• I kinda wish Kurt Suzuki would follow Ichiro's lead and put his first name on his jersey instead of his last. I'd buy a "Kurt" jersey.
• Remember Emilio Bonificio?
• One complete game and everyone's ready to jump on the Sharion Martis bandwagon. I realize its the Nats and they'll take what they can get, but the media makes it seem like he's piling up the quality starts or something.
• The bandwagon you need to be hoppin on is the Wandy Rodriguez one.
• Did Cole Hamels walk under a ladder, while a black cat was crossing his path?
  
• I think the problem with the Mets is they're just too darn bland. There's no "fire", no "je ne sais pas". Who's the Matt Franco of this club? The Roger McDowell? The Al Leiter? The Benny Agbayani? Don't get me wrong I'm sure that Ramon Castro is a real card in the clunhouse.
  
• Watch out for Alberto Callaspo, he's making the most of the extra ABs.
  
• Matchup of the week: Pirates-Brewers. Monday night. Maholm vs. Gallardo. Have some!
• Buy low fantasy player of the week: Magglio Ordonez. Mags is due to breakout any second now!
  
• Sell high fantasy player of the week: Ricky Weeks. Okay, I know no one is really all that high on Rickie Weeks, but he's playing the best he'll probably play all year, so if you gotta another 2B, than see if you can move him for middle relief or something.
  
• Jason Marquis is pitching well?
• AFLAC trivia of the week: Hee-seop Choi is has more home runs in the majors than any other Korean born player, with 40. Shouldn't take Shin-Soo Choo too long to beat that.
  
• Usually I am all for the throwbacks, especially powder blue ones, but there's something irksome about the ones the Jays sport.
• Brewers throwbacks on the other hand? Absolutely gorgeous!
  
  
• Last week Jorge Cantu had 14 RBIs! Fourteen! Dang!
  
• Seriously, who exactly is gonna win the AL Central?
• Who says the art of base stealing is dead? Days after Dexter Fowler stole five bases in a game, no small feat in itself, Carl Crawford ties a record by swiping six bags in a game against the Sawx. I'm no Elias Sports Bureau, but I'm thinking its probably rather rare that twice in a week someone steals 5 or more bases in a game.
  
• Speaking of the Sawx, get ready for the rest of the league to be overshadowed for two days as the Sawx take on the Yanks tonight and tomorrow.
• Just for esses and gees, Kurt Stillwell.
• And your baseball beer of the week is..........Cooperstown Brewing's Nine Man Ale. A light golden ale with some fine English pale and crystal malts and torrified, not to be confused with horrified, wheat. enjoy!
  

FANTASY FOOFARAH: THE WRIGHT STUFF?

David Wright may be the most boring fantasy baseball star out there. Now, before all you fans of the Metropolitans get all in a tizzy, let me explain. I am not saying that David Wright is not a great player or that he is generally dull. No, no, no. Now, will he hit over three hunny? More than likely. Will he slug 30 plus dingers? Sure. Will he drive home 125 runs or more? Probably. Let's face it, David Wright is a fantasy baseball beast, and puts up all-around great numbers, but its how he gets to these numbers, that makes him one of the most boring fantasy ballplayers around. Confused yet? Well the thing is, he never “seems” to have huge nights. Or weeks, for that matter. Still not understanding? Well, that's because I'm still getting there! Hold your horses! Alright, think about it this way: a season of +.300 BA, with 35 dingers and 125 RBIs, is generally considered pretty darned solid, right? That's rhetorical, the answer is “yes”. But really break it down. There's 25ish weeks in the MLB season, which means that a guy with 35 taters and 125 RBIs in a season, would, on average, need only hit less than 1.5 homers a week and drive in 5 runs to accomplish that. Hardly monster numbers, to say the least, yet not a lot of guys even do that. But what makes David Wright so boring, is that he “seems” to do that week in and week out. Rarely do you get a “sexy” 5-5, 3HR, 6RBI night from the Mets slugger, nor do you get huge week. I mean, sure from time to time he'll have a few hits in a game and put some big numbers on the board, but more often than not he gets to his big season-end numbers in the most boring way possible. In fact if you had him in head-to-head leagues last year (as I did) you may have noticed this. B-O-R-I-N-G, boring. Now, sure, consistency is good, but for a first-rounder you want a guy that'll help carry your team most weeks, am I right? 1-2 homers and 5-6 RBIs a week from your top pick, is probably not gonna get it done. Now I know what your thinking, “But isn't it good to know that you'll get that week in and week out?” Sure, because most guys will have to balance big weeks, with mediocre-to-very bad weeks, it seems guarantees are good. In my AL-only league, for instance, I have Miguel Cabrera and Carlos Quentin, two major fantasy studs, who provided absolutely nothing offensively for me last week. I still managed to win my game, and I know its only a matter of time before they have a huge week. Its just more fun, if your a stat geek like me, to check the box score and see those gargantuan digits in your guys stat columns. I mean, personally I would rather have the huge weeks here and there, but maybe that's just me? But watch your leagues throughout the year and see where the guys who took David Wright are in the standings. I contend that those who took David Wright with their first picks in head-to-head leagues will not, I repeat, not, finish in first. Unless they are very savvy fantasy players or are in a league filled to the brim with dimwits. If you have David Wright, trade him! Run! Don't walk to you fantasy roster and move him, ASAP! If you're in one of my fantasy leagues, I will take him off your hands, just to prove my point, because I am a nice guy. But you're not gonna get huge value for him. You'll thank me later. Hope you enjoyed the first of many Fantasy Foofarahs, where I'll be giving you valuable fantasy advice and nuggets all season long!

ROUNDOFFS: AT LEAST BETTER THAN CHIEN-MING WANG

• What's wang with Chien-Ming? Well, when you don't strike guys out, but rather, rely on a sinker to get grounders, and then that sinker don't sink, well, you do the math.
  
• Quote of the week: "He's coming into a spot you wouldn't give to a leopard..."- the incomparable Vin Scully.
  
• Make fun of Carl Pavano, and he pitches well? Don't worry, he was a little more Pavano-ish against the Twins on Saturday.
• When the Rays are hitting, they are fun to watch.
• Quick! Off the top of your head name the current starting rotation for the Toronto Blue Jays! You can't do it, can you?! Its easy, allow me. Roy Halladay, Southpaw, What's his Name, Newbie, and Gustavo Chacin. BOOM!
• Speaking of Chacin, who had surgery and disappeared to parts unknown....he is actually in the Phillies organization. Who knew?! Maybe the Phillies. Maybe! Chacin is the first one to suffer the fragrance curse. It was not long after Gustavo Chacin Cologne night at Skydome, that his career took a turn. I did not make that up, it was a real promo! It is Canadia, so......
• The Nationals are just downright awful.
  
• Zack Greinke has not allowed an earned run in 29 innings this season! If you like pitching, you need to watch Greinke work! Although maybe not in his next start, since, I've more than likely just jinxed him.
  
• On the flip side, Matt Lindstrom gave up seven, yes SEVEN, earned runs in two-thirds of an inning against the defending World Champion Phillies on Friday night, erasing Josh Johnson's quality start.
• The uniforms the Padres wore on Saturday night were nothing short of wonderful!
• Russell Branyan hit is fourth homer of the season this weekend. I'm just saying.
• Of course Brandon Inge, yes Brandon Inge, has 7 homers, so anyone who has him on their fantasy team is a lucky duck!
  
• Watching the Dodgers hit is just good ol' fashioned fun.
  
• Seriously the Nationals are just horrendous.
• If I had to choose, I'd say Bengie's probably my favorite Molina.
• I think its safe to say Daniel Murphy won't be winning a Gold Glove anytime soon. Not only has he made two very costly errors in left, but he has managed to fall down twice, which is, well, funny. Not to Mets fans though I guess.
• Nyger Morgan is just plain having fun out there!
• Am I the only one who misses Hideki Irabu?
• Your "buy low" fantasy player of the week is (drum roll) Adrian Beltre. Beltre is off to a horrendous start and was actually dropped in two of my leagues! But I'm telling you, he has been as steady as they come over his career in a Mariner uni and he's in a contract year. His owners are panicking. Make your move!
• Your sell high fantasy player of the week: Zack Duke. I'm not saying Zack Attack won't be good or friends forever, but I think he won't be this good, and you can get value for him right now.
  
• Matchup of the week: Santana-Johnson II. Their first duel featured a 2-1 Marlins win, with Johnson throwing a complete game and Santana not giving up an earned run, but still losing, thanks to the aforementioned Daniel Murphy. Look for something very similar in Round 2. And if I'm Josh Johnson, I do not wanna leave this game with a lead.
  
• Remember when the Marlins were 11-1?
• Or when the Red Sox were 2-6? Seems like ages ago.
• Oxymoron of the week: Yankees relief-pitching.
• Never been a huge fan of Norm Chad, but he kinda hits some nails on the head with this one.
• Really not seeing anyone running away with the AL Central this year.
• Nor any reason the Dodgers shouldn't run away with the NL West.
• Reason #14 to get the MLB Extra Innings Package: Mark Grace. He is awesome. See for yourself!

• Not only does Ian Kinsler have awesome hair, but he can hit a bit too!
• And finally, your Beer of the week is in honor of the red hot Red Sox. Green Monsta Ale from Wachusett. A flavorful Pale Ale, that goes down great with Sawx wins. Its not the top pale ale out there, but is easy to drink down whilst watching America's pasttime.

"NOTHING SAYS BASEBALL, LIKE FAT MEN DANCING"

• This is the dance team you get when no one comes to your games.
• Worst. Village People cover band. Ever.
• What would you do for a free Craig Counsell jersey?
• Faaaaaaat guuuuuuuuy, in a little coat, er, jersey. Faaaaat guuuuuyyy in a little jersey!
  
• Bocephus and friends?
• Reason #127 to get the MLB Extra Innings Package!
  
• Well, those not invited to Dolphins camp, had to find something to pay the bills!
  
• Al Newman has really let himself go!

These are the Man-atees! The plus-size, all-male, Marlins cheerleading squad! Guess, I'm a little late to the game on this one, as it was all the buzz last winter, when they held tryouts, but I got my first sighting last night and, well, to say it was surreal, would, well, not even do it justice!



Don't worry the Man-atees will make regular appearances here at "Bitterness", but do they have what it takes to beat out the Rally Van Damme?

NFL DRAUGHT

Yes Bitternessians, it is once again that time of year! Yep, war rooms, "upside", flashy suits, booing New Yorkers and of course the best part, at least in my humble opinion, the Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch NFL Draught! Please, please, hold your applause. This year we're gonna mix it up slightly, but not too much, because, well mostly because, we fear change. But we don't wanna give away the surprise. For those of you new to the "Draught", what the heck is the matter with you! I kid. But seriously? Anyway in the off chance that this is your first NFL Draught, here's how it works, we concoct a delicious NFL related tap list. Now you won't find a Tedy Bruschi or former lineman Sam Adams. No, no it's much better than all of that! In fact this year, wait for it, we're not even using players! What?! No players?! In the words of Ralph Wiggum, "That's unpossible." But, do not fret, it'll be okay. Just breathe, grab a brew, and enjoy!
BUFFALO PILS- Light. Crisp. Refreshing. Oh wait that's Diet Pepsi. This is a nice light brew, that's highly drinkable.

INDIANAPOLIS KOLSCH- A nice brew as golden as the plains of Indiana. As delicious as the Buffalo Pils, but with a tad more bite.

NEW ENGLAND PALE-TRIOT ALE- Light amber in color, with a nice balance of piney hops and caramel malt backing.
PHILADELPHIA EAG-ALE- This high-flying IPA will have you soaring from its 8.2% ABV. Fly Eag-ale, fly!

MINNESOTA HEFE-VIKING- A big bad Belgian with big bad citrusy aroma, that reels you in. You'll wanna pillage and plunder this one for sure!

ST. LOUIS RAMBER- An amber with some kick, you'll wanna grab this one by the horns!
CHICAGO BEAR-LEYWINE: As potent as a hit from Brian Ur-lager, this beverage will knock you on your Butkus!
WASHINGTON IRISH REDSKIN ALE- Creamy, red and delicious! This one'll put you in hog heaven!

TAMPA BAY BOCK-ANEER- This is a Bockstar! A nice dark reddish color, with incredible maltiness!

CLEVELAND BROWN ALE- A nice roasted malt flavor, helps give this brown ale its character. Dark and rich, with a nice smooth finish, this rocks as much as Cleveland.
OAKLAND-AGED RAIDER STOUT- Oak-aged to perfection, this one is as dark and robust as your average Raider fan, but slightly less scary!
MALTIMORE RAVEN STOUT- As hard hitting as the Ravens "D", this one is absolutely stoutstanding!

And for those who like to really keep it real we also have the San Francisco Forty-Ouncer, a glowing example of malt liquor!

So have fun and drink up!