WEEK 2: ANNIE GET YOUR GUNSLINGER

Well, week one has come and gone and I looked fairly competent, going 10-6. Is that right? Doesn't sound right, does it? Ah well. Week two is bound to show me for the simp I really am. Anyways I have to type quick as I think the Sports Guy has bugged by apartment in order to get a sneak peak at my picks, so away we go...........


BUFFALO @ PITTSBURGH: The Bills is feisty my friends and yes that bad English was intentional. Sorry mom. I think they will go into the Burgh and snatch a win they will most certainly, relish. Buffalo 5-3

CINCINNATI @ CLEVELAND: So first the Brownies are all hush-hush about which mediocre QB they'd use in Week One. Then the "chosen one" proceeds to quickly get benched for the "chosen #2" , while the "golden boy" draft pick, who has only practiced for a couple of weeks, watches from the sideline. Now, after the Week One, or in the Browns case "Weak One", drubbing, they proceed to trade away the aforementioned "chosen one", leaving the mediocre "chosen #2" and the "golden boy" draft pick to vie for the starting QB job. Is this Cleveland, or an episode of "Dallas"? Either way Cincy should roll. Bengals 24-10

INDIANAPOLIS @ TENNESSEE: Still not overly impressed with the Titans, a win over Indy could change that. Unfortunately I don't see it. Colts 21-10

HOUSTON @ CAROLINA: A pretty intriguing match-up of two undefeated squads. Sure it's only 1-0, but there's 16 teams who can't be in that rare air. Now, it's hard to say if it was a matter of these two being good in week one or their opponents just stinking up the joint? Who knows? Guess we'll find out in Week 2, right? I say Steve Smith will give the Texans problems all afternoon. Panthers 26-17.

SAN FRANCISCO @ ST. LOUIS: San Fran did manage a win in week one, albeit against the "Kingdom of the Mighty Cardinal", but looked a bit sloppy doing it, or so I'm told, it was on waaaaay past my bed time. I think Stephen Jackson is gonna be looking to put week one behind him and find some redemption, which won't be easy. The 49ers can play "D", especially that Patrick "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout" Willis. It is so tempting to take the Niners, but the coin flip says I'm going Rammers at home, 24-20

GREEN BAY @ NEW YORK GIANTS: The gunslingest gunslinger that has ever gunslinged, or gunslung, will be in the Meadowlands on Sunday facing a Giants secondary that, well, let's just say, they are not good. Throw in a lack of Brandon Jacobs and an iffy Eli (we of course mean more iffy than usual, cause of his shoulder) and you got yourselves a stew, baby! Eli's status could make a huge difference, but I stIll think the G-Men are in trouble. Packers 35-27

ATLANTA @ JACKSONVILLE: Egads, the Falcons looked awful last week! How many times throughout this season will the Falcons regret not keeping Matt "Stump the" Schaub? I say 143, but that's just me. Jaguars get the running game back on track and beat up the dirty birds 21-6

NEW ORLEANS @ TAMPA BAY: The Saints will have had a long time to think about their Week One pummeling come kickoff time Sunday. That's not good news for the Buccaneers. Saints 34-10

MINNESOTA @ DETROIT: Alright Kitna, one win down, nine to go, my friend. Here's comes number two. Okay that sounds nasty. Here comes win number two, somehow? Lions 21-20

DALLAS @ MIAMI: I suppose it would be asking to much of God to have this stadium spontaneously combust during the game? Yes this is a matchup of my two least favorite franchises and two least favorite fandoms. Since they probably won't tie, I guess the Cowboys will beat up on the Dolphins, so take that Snowflake! By the way, the 'Skins in week one, 'Boys in week two, are the Dolphins in the NFC now? Wishful thinking I guess. Um, Cowboys 20-3.

SEATTLE @ ARIZONA: Now, I would like to say the Seahawks will roll in this one, but their performance against the Bucs last week was borderline pathetic. This has upset written all over it! So, naturally, I'm taking the favorite, dah! Seahawks 49-35

NEW YORK JETS @ BALTIMORE: That Brian Billick sure is an offensive, dare I say, genius. 20, count 'em 20 points against the Bengals. Oh man! Are you detecting the sarcasm, cause I'm laying it on pretty thick. Here's the thing the Ravens are favored by ten points. TEN! Me still thinks the Jets are a bit better than they showed on Sunday, and they'll either be facing a hobbled Steve McNair or a healthy Kyle Boller, which may or may not be, half a dozen of one and half a dozen of the other. I am so confident that the Jets will cover that if they don't I will dedicate a whole blog to the wonder that is the Ravens. Okay, well let's not get crazy here. How about I just give them some credit next week and apologize for doubting their superiority? Ravens 7-6

OAKLAND @ DENVER: There's not really any statistical or factual data that will support the Raiders beating, well, really, most teams, so I'm afraid it's 0-2 for the silver and black. Broncos 24-13.

KANSAS CITY @ CHICAGO: I really couldn't tell you what the heck is even going on in Kansas City folks. And to think, people in KC had to endure another long summer with the Royals and this is the thanks they get? Bears 28-14

SAN DIEGO @ NEW ENGLAND: Little known fact about the penalties thrown at Bill Belichik: included in the fine print is a stipulation that will allow him to only use a Betamax machine for the next three weeks. True story! Or is it? You decide. Anyways, if the Patriots actually just managed to tape the Chargers-Bears game, they could try and see what the Bears did to more or less contain LT, aka Hooch. I's a toughy, but I'm taking the Pats, but barely. 21-20

WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA: The first place Redskins head into the ever hostile Linc for a Monday nighter. Let's just say, it's probably the last time this season I'll have to type "first place Redskins." But isn't it just a bit peculiar that in week one, Philly lost 16-13 and Washington won 16-13? Hmmm? Hmmmm? Hmmmmm? BAH! Eagles 27-13

WEEK ONE: THE RISE OF KITNA

Yes, yes, yes! It is that time sports fans! The NFL season is upon us and once again we will be taking on the Sports Guy and Peter King making picks week after week. Okay, so we didn't fare all that well last year after a pretty good start, but we're ready to roll this year. You can believe that. We piled over charts and magazines and websites to get all the info and data needed to make educated picks. Okay, so we actually piled over plates of nachos, chicken wings and cheese, but more or less the same thing. So here we go.

Now let me just start by saying Week 1 may be the hardest week to predict, because all you've got is what everyone looks like on paper, and really almost anything can happen in the NFL. That being said here we go:



BRONCOS @ BILLS- Here's the thing, the Broncos seem to come out flat every year and play like horse doo-doo in the opener. And to tell you the truth I don't see any changes in the pattern this year, as JP Losman, Marshawn Lynch and Lee Evans will show the Broncos what for. I wonder how the crowd in Buffalo will "greet" Travis Henry? I'm guessing they won't be handing him a 'Welcome Back" fruit basket. Bills 28-24

STEELERS @ BROWNS- The Seelers are giving Ben Roethlisberger a little more freedom at the line of scrimmage. Whether this is good or bad, we do not know? What we do know is the Browns are feisty and will be right in this game, but Charlie Frye just won't have enough to pull this one out. The question is will there be "We want Brady chants?" emanating from the Dawg Pound? Steelers 24-14

PANTHERS @ RAMS- This was one of those tough call games. Most people think the Rammers will take this, as the Panthers will probably be less predictable than Andy Dick this season. Andy Dick? Really? Okay so that was weakish, but give me a break, it's Week One. For some reason I think the Cats win on the road and I will dig a pretty big hole for myself in this pick-off. Panthers 27-24

FALCONS @ VIKINGS- Egads! This is another tough one, folks. It's too, too, too easy to dismiss the Falcons just cause they're without Michael Vick. While that's a crushing blow sure, don't forget Joey Harrington is capable and Jerious Norwood is due to break out (at least I hope so, for my fantasy football team's sake, anyways). Plus I'm about as confident in Tavaris Jackson as I am in, um, something I have very little confidence in. Falcons 21-17

PATRIOTS @ JETS- As a Patriots fan it was gut wrenching to make this one of my upsets week, but I just have a hunch the Pats are headed for an 0-1 start. And let me just say, it's not cause they're without Harrison or Seymour, although that doesn't help. I just think it will happen, so there! Jets 31-27

DOLPHINS @ REDSKINS- About all the Dolphins have going for them is their defense, and a chance for the #1 Draft pick come spring. I'm not saying the 'Skins are good, cause they probably aren't, but on this day they're good enough. 'Skins 20-10

TITANS @ JAGUARS- Too many people are picking the Titans to "upset" the Jags this week. It's annoying. If it's that obvious to so many, then how come the Jags are almost a touchdown favorite.? Vince Young'll be shaky against a still very strong defense, while Maurice Jones-Drew gets 200 combined yards as the Jags get off on the right foot. Jaguars 17-13

CHIEFS @ TEXANS- Seems like the Chiefs have become the whipping boys of the media "pundits", while I'm still trying to figure out how they made the playoffs last year? Larry Johnson is still good, but those 700 carries he had last year are bound to take a toll at some point. Matt Schaub 18-25, 325 yards, 3TDs. Houston 28-27

EAGLES @ PACKERS- The Packers are one of my "sleeper-ish" teams this season, and I think they will show every one why in this game. The Eagles are still good, but they may just , like so many others this year, underestimate the Pack. While both defenses are pretty solid, we should still see some points oin this one. That's right, I am predicting it won't end in a 0-0 tie! Packers 24-20

LIONS @ RAIDERS- Kitna's MVP season starts here, when he torches a surprisingly good Raiders defense for 4TDs and 450 yards. Okay, so maybe that won't happen, but the Lions will win this, mark my words! All hail Kitna! Lions 28-21

BEARS @ CHARGERS- LT against Urlacher and the Bears defense? Lookout! This would be a better game if Rex "and Balances" Grossman was good enough to beat the Bolts' defense. Chargers 24-13

BUCCANEERS @ SEAHAWKS- Okay, Seattle has no excuses right now, with a pretty much healthy squad. I mean, they made the 'Offs while missing both Shaun Alexander and Timmy Hasselback's bro for a good chuck of games last season. Couple that with the fact that Tampa Bay seems to be, well, not good, and you get a good old-fashioned butt whooping. Seahawks 34-13

GIANTS @ DALLAS- Oh good more reason for Tiki to be focusing his words and ire on Tom Coughlin and the G-men. Well, suffice it to say, I don't think much of the Giants or Tom Coughlin, but with Tiki, Strahan, and Shockey, I somehow feel sympathetic to the coach. Not enough to pick 'em to win, that's just foolish. Big D plays some Big "D", down in Big D and the 'Boys cruise. Cowboys 31-14

RAVENS @ BENGALS- A good defense beats a good offense, right? We think so. In fact we think this so much so, that we've beched Carson "Heisman" Palmer on our fantasy squad for week one. Which of course means he'll probably light up the Ravens for like 7 touchdowns or something. But, no, we are gonna stick to our guns! Ravens 9-7

CARDINALS @ 49ERS- The 49ers are another sleeper pick of mine (sorry 'Zona), and, well, just about everyone else. Frank Gore should run wild in this one, this won't be as close as many think. I think, anyways. Niners 35-17

Alright there's your week one predictions and since our AFC Preview is not quite ready yet, we are gonna just tack on our predictions without the added verbage, here. But don't be alarmed, the wordy preview will be coming, hopefully sometime before Week 2. We hope anyways. But here's our predicted AFC standings:

AFC EAST
New England 13-3
New York 10-6
Buffalo 7-9
Miami 3-13

AFC NORTH
Baltimore 12-4
Cincinnati 8-8
Pittsburgh 8-8
Cleveland 5-11

AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis (duh?) 13-3
Tennessee 8-8
Jacksonville 7-9
Houston 5-11

AFC WEST
San Diego (bold, eh?) 14-2
Denver 10-6
Oakland 5-11
Kansas City 4-12

Enjoy the games!

GAME ONE: KITNA-LESS

Well we are just hours away from the 2007 NFL season kicking off, so that means it's about time for us to roll out our Week One picks. Now, unfortuantely we are not quite ready to unveil all the picks just yet, but we will give you a brief taste with our Colts-Saints prediction, with the "Week One Picks" to follow sometime thereafter. So be on the lookout and sorry for the delay, it's been a heavy blogging week.

SAINTS @ COLTS- This was almost the Super Bowl matchup last season, and both teams seem at least as good as last year, so we should be in for a dandy of an opener. Both teams are pretty balanced, with a very good offense. The big question is which defense shows up for the Colts? The one that was shredded by the run most of the season or the one that flat out shut down opponents' running games in the playoffs? Well, irregardless, I think we're in for a shootout, and as good as Drew Brees can be, it's Peyton Manning for pete sake! Colts 42-31

2007 NFC PREVIEW WITH CHEESE

NFC EAST:
PHILADELPHIA- We here at "Bitterness" think Philly is the team to beat in the East. But the big question is Donovan McNabb's health. Well McNabb and the Eagles' offense have looked fine and dandy in the preseason, so there should be no worries for now. Brian Westbrook is like the NFC's Ladanian Tomlinson, he does it all, and Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis look ready to go. But, as the Iggles look for their 6th division titel in seven seasons, the defense has become a question mark. They've added Takeo Spikes, but they've lost Darwin Walker, Dhani Jones, Roderick Hood, Michael Lewis, and Jeremiah Trotter, so the defense may not be as good as past years. But as long as McNabb eats his Chucky soup and stays healthy, the Eagles will go far once again. Our Prediction: 11-5

DALLAS- Much like last year, all the pundits are talking up the 'Boys, but I am not completely sold on "Big D". I just feel Wade Phillips isn't the one who will guide them to the promised land. Playoffs? Sure. Super Bowl? I don't think so. Granted, the defense should be pretty solid, with the addition of Ken Hamlin and a 3-4 base. I don't see teams putting up a lot of points on them this season and well, defense wins championships. With a solid defense, Tony Romo needs to only be as good as Rex Grossman to propel this team to the playoffs. Well, that, and get #81 his rightful share of balls. Our prediction: 10-6

NEW YORK- Michael Strahan is finally back. If you think that makes the Giants any less iffy in '07, then you couldn't be more wrong. The Giants make the Bluth family look functional, for crying out loud! They have more quaetion marks than a Matthew Lesko suit! Let's see there are questions about the secondary, defensive line, receiving corps, quarterback, running game and trusting their head coach. Yep, just another season in gotham, er, Jersey. The Giants are nowhere near as strong as the past few seasons, and even with a new QB coach, we wouldn't go relying on Eli to guide them to the playoffs. Sure, they may tease people and the media a bit, by clinging to life, but if you want a definition of inconsistency, look no further than the '07 Giants, a .500 team wating to happen. Our prediction: 8-8

WASHINGTON- It seems that Dan Snyder is the anti-Midas, as everything he touches turns to fecal matter. He seems to spend, spend, spend, and still lose, lose, lose. But hey 'Skins fans, at least there's an untested QB starting this year to help the process. The defense in Washington should be good this year, but then again it should have been good for several years. If Clinton Portis actually plays the entire season and plays well, it will take some pressure off of Jason Campbell. Which is good, since we still don't know if he's the next Doug Williams or the next Heath Shuler? Or even some wacky hybrid of the two? Our Prediction: 5-11

NFC NORTH: CHIGAGO- The Bears defense should be just as good as last season, which is bad news for the rest of the NFC. It also helps that "Da Bears" play in what is considered to be the worst division in football. Obviously a lot of pressure falls on Rex Grossman. T-Rex was about as up an down as they come, but still managed to be playing on Super Bowl Sunday. With a defense this good, his only job is really, just to not screw up, which as Rex demonstrated, is sometimes not as easy as it sounds. Meanwhile in the backfield, Cedric Benson will be handling the full workload at running back, and his success could be as crucial as Grossman's. In fact they are intertwined in symbiotic fashion. If one of them ain't playing well, they probably both won't be playing well. Our prediction: PAIN! and 12-4

GREEN BAY- The Packers defense is pretty darned solid. Not as good as the Bears maybe, but pretty darned strong. The biggest problem the Packers will face is the running game, which features no running back that has more than 150 career carries. Vernand Morency has been hobbled by an injury, and rookie Brandon Jackson did not impress in the preseason. This has left the backfield a big mystery for the Pack, which is not good. If they can get the running game in gear, they could be a playoff contender. There, I said it. With a gunslinger like Brett Favre at the helm, the sky is the limit in Wisconsin. This Packers team is very underrated in our minds, and we feel they can put together a pretty solid season. Our prediction: 9-7

DETROIT- Kitna predicted a ten win season this year in Detroit. While we're sure Kitna and the Lions will be plenty exciting to watch, it's hard to see them winning 10 games. But stranger things have happened, and JK does do a lot of praying so who knows, maybe some divine intervention will take place here. Mike Martz is definitely looking to make this "The Greatest Show on Turf: Part Deux" and the pieces are slowly falling into place. In a surprise move, the Lions used their #1 pick to take a wide receiver (note the sarcasm). Everyone says Calvin Johnson is the real deal, unlike the past four first-round receivers the Lions have selected, I guess? The offensive line is the unit that will have the biggest impact for the Lions. Kitna was sacked 847 times last season! That's not true, it was 63 times, we used hyperbole for dramatic effect. But 63 is a lot too! Just give Kitna time and wait for the magic to happen! Our prediction: 7-9

MINNESOTA- Offensively last season, the Vikes were, well, not good. But Adrian Peterson looks to help with that. The Vikes #1 pick is ready to run wild in the NFL this year and we look for some big numbers from him. But the biggest question remains behind center, where Tavaris Jackson will be taking the snaps. We know very little about Tav, but, well, okay I guess there is no "but", we just know very little about him. What we do know is that he will have receivers to throw to, who may or may not be able to hold onto the ball. Let's just say it was probably not a bad idea to acquire Kelly Holcomb from the Eagles. Peterson should run wild in the dome, but unless Jackson is like the next Steve Young, it will be another long season in Minneapolis. Our prediction: 6-10

NFC SOUTH: NEW ORLEANS- What a ride the Saints had last year. Finding their way into the NFC Championship game, one step shy of the Super Bowl. Some media folks think the Saints can end up in Arizona this year representing the NFC on the big stage, and who are we to argue? They are one of the more balanced teams in the league, and let's face it the NFC is up for grabs. Sure the Cowboys and Eagles look good, and you obviously can't dismiss the Bears, but the Saints now have that playoff experience on their side. Plus with Reggie Bush, the Saints have one of the more dangerous players in the league. The Saints should show no signs of slowing down and should easily win the division and possibly the NFC. Our prediction: 10-6

CAROLINA- There have been high expectations for the Panthers the past few seasons, and the cats have just not been able to live up to the hype. We think this year will be different. Sure, the expectations are there, but with a healthy Steve Smith and a fairly easy schedule, the cats should be able to sneak on into the playoffs. The race for the final playoff spot in the NFC should be wide open and we feel the Panthers have what it takes to snag it. Expect even more touches for DeAngelo Williams, who should thrive with the new zone blocking scheme that is beng implemented. Look for the Panthers to return to the 'Offs this season. Our prediction: 9-7

ATLANTA- Go figure, without Michael Vick the NFC South should be less of a dogfight. To be honest we didn't see the Falcons making the playoffs even with Vick behind center. Sure he would have been good for 2-3 more wins but we still think they weren't playoff material. Nothing against Joey "Piano Man" Harrington, he could be a solid performer, but the fact remains the receiving corps is weak and there are just far too many droppers. It's like a bunch of Chandler Bings running routes out there! Sure they added Joe Horn, but he is not the game changer he once was. Success in Hotlanta will rely on Jeroius Norwood and Alge Crumpler, bottom line. But the good news is they should be able to procure a good draft pick in '08. Our prediction: 5-11

TAMPA BAY- The Bucs presumably strengthened their offense with the signing of Jeff Garcia (and almost every other available QB) in the offseason. Garcia's resurgence last year has given the Bay fans a glimmer of hope. But, alas, that glimmer fades quickly, when they realize that quarterback was not the only trouble spot for the '06 Buccaneers. The only legitimate receiver at the moment appears to be Joey Galloway, and the running game last year was a joke. The Bucs did sure-up the O-line in hopes that Carnell "Yugo" Williams will be able to break free a bit more this season, which wouldn't be hard. In 14 starts last season, "Yugo" didn't manage to even break 50 yards in 9 of them. Yes, nine! That's freakin' ridiculous! Our prediction: 2-14

NFC WEST: SEATTLE- The Seahawks managed to win thier division and make the playoffs last year despite a slew of key injuries, so what's to stop this healthy squad from doing the same this year? Um, nothing. Although the Seahawks will have to stay healthy as the rest of the division is slowly catching up to them. Shaun Alexander is healthy and confident. So much so, he's predicting he'll break LT's touchdown record and Dickerson's rushing record! Them's some pretty lofty goals, and while he probably won't get there, Alexander does have a lot to prove this year. Lots of people seem to think he's lost a step and his on the start of a downward slide, and Shaun will be out to prove the doubters wrong. Our prediction: 10-6

ST. LOUIS- The Rams are still as offensive as ever. No, they don't offend people, they put a lot of points on the board. Scott Linehan focused on the runing game last year and made Stephen Jackson a star. Jackson is possibly the best RB in the NFC and should have another huge season for the Rammers. And what with Marc Bulger slinging the ball around to a talented corps of receivers led by Tory "Big Game" Holt and "The Reverend" Isaac Bruce, the offense should have no trouble getting into the end zone. The addition of Drew Bennett didn't hurt either. But of course the big question lies with the defense, which remains the one thing that'll keep the Rams out of the playoffs. Although 1st Round pick Adam Carriker is a start in the right direction. Our prediction: 8-8

SAN FRANCISCO- The 49ers are the up and coming team now in the NFC. With the offensive corps of Alex Smith, Frank Gore and Vernon Davis and a defense that, unbeknownst to many, was extremely tough last year, the 49ers are on their way. Now, it's not Montana, Craig, Rice or anything, but the 49ers should scare more than a few teams this year. Their #1 pick Patrick Willis, should only make the defense better, which is probably why they drafted him. The tools and talent are there, and it may only be a year or two before the 49ers are back in the thick of things in the NFC. Look for the Niners to be in the playoff hunt most of the way, if their young guys can stay helathy. Our prediction 8-8

ARIZONA- New head coach, revamped offensive line, young QB, talented receivers. Sounds like a recipe for success to us. We thought last year would be the Cardinals year to make some noise in the NFC, and that didn't happen. Well, we're not gonna be so bold this year. Yes, the Cardinals did adress some major issues and yes, they should be fiesty and fun to watch, but we dont' see a big improvement record wise. You gotta love what's happening out in the desert (no ont Iraq) right now, though, as Ken Whisenehut is moving things in the right direction. Our prediction: 5-11

Well there's your '07 NFC Preview and now, as promised.....cheese!

TECH WATCH

In an effort to reach out to even more readers, we have decided every now and then to venture into the world of technology. Yes, technology. Oh, technology sounds boring to you? Well, my friends, technology is everywhere, whether you like it or not, so deal with it. I mean without technology, "Bitterness" wouldn't even exist. Forget about cable, without technology, you'd be watching dust collect on your window sill for entertainment, for pete sake! Without technology, we'd still be hunting woolly mammoths, so we could have dinner, as there would be no way for Hardee's to operate without any modern technology. Heat lamps, hello?! So as you can see, this technology thing is probably here to stay, so we here at "Bitterness" are gonna keep you updated on the latest innovations. So if they're coming out with a flying Yugo, you'll here all about it, right here. So what does the "Bitterness" technology department have to show us this week? Let's see:


The Microsoft Surface:



Finally a computer, that's also a coffee table! Awesome.

The Wii Fit:



Technology sure has come along way. We'd like to thank sarcasticgamer for our video this week, until next time, this has been "Tech Watch."

WHO'S LATER?

It's time for another installment in our on-going "Who's Later?" competition. The second match-up again comes from the entertainment industry. Today's "Who's Later?" match-up is between Bill Bellamy and David Alan Grier. You see both of these gentlemen have recently resurfaced in the world of entertainment, and for the life of us we cannot figure out why? So let's break it down for you:


Now DAG, as he is sometimes affectionately known, has sort of never left, I guess. I mean since "In Living Color", he starred in his own show, DAG, and has been a host of Comedy Central's Premuim Blend. So, I would say there's a good chance roughly 96% of the population hasn't seen DAG in like, I dunno, roughly a decade and a half? I should clarify that is 96% of people who watch television. But after years of leaving unreturned messages on James Carrey's answering machine, there he is hosting "Thank God You're Here", which his a whole nother post altogether. Now sure, DAG seeemed like he had an inkling of talent back in his "In Living Color" hey day, but his career, nosedived quickly when the Wayans clan moved on to making quality movies like White Chicks and several other movies we've never seen. Now once Damon Wayans refused to sign on for Men on Film: The Movie, we thought it may have been all over for big DAG, but he just would not stay down on the mat. But it seems David has gone to the Drew Carey School of TV Show Hosting. (The DCSoTSH is not a real school, so don't stop filling out those ITT Tech applications.) You see much like Drew, Mr. Grier seems to be the least funny part of his show, and needs to stop talking. But it was while watching "Thank God You're Here" that we found a TV personality we thought we had said "bye" to years ago. That's right the one and only.....




Bill Bellamy. Now one of the funny things about "Thank God You're Here"-and by funny, we actually mean weird funny, not "Ha-ha!" funny- is that it is not, as we originally thought, just for comedic actors. No, no. In fact talent is no, by any stretch of the imagination, a prerequisite. Enter William 'Bill' Bellamy. Now I think, when most of us think of BillBell, we think MTV Video Jockey, not to be confused with a Video Journalist like Kurt Loder. Now even then it was hard to determine where B-Squared's true talent lay. I mean was he even "now" in 199? in his VJ days? I mean Adam Curry, he is not! But seriously, what was he? Actor? Comedian? Singer? Token black guy? We have no clue! So, after he couldn't handle life in the Fastlane, he appears on "Thank God You're Here" and we're thinking "Okay it took a long time, but now we know. He's considered to be a thespian." But then, we start watching "Last Comic Standing"and what to our wondering eyes should appear, but '"Double B" as the host. The host, for crying out loud! This job is normally reserved for a comedian, so now we guess he's a comedian. But here's the thing: he is not a good actor and he's not funny. I mean what's next Matt Pinfield co-hosting "The View?" Well, that's another question for another time, but the question now is "who's later?" You decide.

BULLSEYE!

Yes, it seems obvious, but with Mr. Bonds about to capture the homerun record with an asterisk, as big and fat as Barry's head, beside it, we thought it was only right to throw him on the dartboard. We don't feel we need much, if any, justification for this pick. So we're not really gonna give any. Now in honor of Barry going up on the big board, we will not be throwing darts at his picture. No, no. With Barry up on the board, we'll be tossing medical syringes in his direction. Is the joke too old? Maybe. But it still gives us a good hearty giggle. So down comes the picture of Rosie and up goes the pic of Barry.

WHO'S LATER?

In honor of one of Sportscenter's latest brainstorms, "Who's Now?", we here at "Bitterness" bring you an exciting new segment, simply entitled, "Who's Later". In other words who's more of a "has-been" or "less now"? We think it will be a wonderful addition to the "Bitterness" lineup, so let's get to it and meet today's combatants:

Who's Later:
Drew Carey or Rosie O'Donell?
Yes Drew takes the reigns of one of the most beloved game shows of all time, The Price is Right, but does that make him "now"? I mean I'll admit The Drew Carey show was humorous to me for several seasons, but let's face it, without Ryan Stiles and Diedrich Bader that show would've sunk fast. And as for Who's Line is it Anyway?, well, the least funny moments, by far, had to be the end skits, where Drew would jump in and try and be funny, but would, of course, fail miserably. Now I know that The Price is Right is not a comedic cavalcade, but it needs someone with a bit more class. We still think Alan Thicke would've been the best choice for the job, but that's neither here nor there. As the host of "Whose Line", Drew managed to be the worst part of the show. We would say Drew Carey hasn't been funny in at least, AT LEAST, a decade. And Plinko will never be the same.

Now as for Rosie, well she continues to keep opening her big yap. She doesn't shut up! Rosie of course, was considered to be in the running for the TPIR job, but received a big fat, "NO DICE" from the powers that be. She continues to make news without even having a job, for crying out loud! I mean, when has she ever been "now"? Was it around the time Another Stakeout came out? Okay, possibly when A League of Their Own was out, I'll give her that. But her talk show? Pah-lease! I think Ellen has shown the world how a real lesbian hosts a talk show, am I wrong? Am I? But then again Rosie does have a blog and that's pretty "now", sooooooo.......

Looks too close to call right now. Who do you think is "later"? Let us know, by commenting below!

ROUNDOFFS-THE OTHER, OTHER, WHITE MEAT

Whoooo! It's good to be back, baby! Where to begin, where to begin? So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. Must move forward. Must move forward. On with the show:

BASEBALL:
Ozzie Guillen came out and said that Major League Baseball is unfairly targeting Latinos in their steroids investigation. Well sure, the Latinos have been in the forefront of the investigation. You know Latinos like:

Mark McGwire




Jason Giambi




Barry Bonds




and Gary Sheffield




Was he on Miami Vice?

Sheffield, by the way, was quoted in GQ as saying there were more Latinos in baseball, because they are easier to control than blacks. Pfft! Clearly Gary has never met my houseboy Miguel. Although, since there are more Latinos in baseball, wouldn't it stand to reason that more Latinos would be targeted? And in any event it'snot like MLB can reallyfind anything anyways? The way this investigation is going there's a better chance of the U.S. government finding Osama and or WMDs....One Latino who is not being targeted is Tony Bautista, who is currently on the Nationals roster. Many thought Bautista was dead, but he has proven those skeptics wrong, by not only being alive, but also still playing baseball! Way to go Tony.....Another Latino still playing is none other than El Guapo himself, Rich Garces. Garces is pitching relief for the Nashua Pride, and he's as jolly as ever. In fact, July 26th is El Guapo Bobble Belly Day at Holman Stadium, so mark your calendars! Speaking of bobbleheads.....How 'bout that Shane Victorino bobblehead:




Meanwhile in the Bronx....the Yankees thought they'd found a southpaw for the bullpen.



But it fell through when he wouldn't shave his sideburns.
...or anything else.

And in the WTF category:


What kind of jersey is that?!


REALITY TV
This crap is getting just plain out of hand. So out of hand it's taken over baseball! Yes baseball! Just look at Mississippi Braves skipper Phil Wellman practicing some moves for So You Think You Can Dance:



I even think I know who Phil's choreograhper is:






I am however, ecstatic that they've finally found a format for Christian Okoye. Of course, for Pirate Master, I think I would tried to get a true Buccaneer, like Eric Rhett.....A reality show I have been watching is The Next Best Thing, which is a competition for celebrity impersonators. The best ones so far have been the Bush impersonators. But the big news is, by watching this show, I also found out Jeffrey Ross is a "Bitterness" reader. You see when they dismiss them, they use some punny little comment like a bad impersonation of Mary Tyler Moore, garnered a, "That was Mary Tyler Less." Anyways, a bad impersonation had Jeffrey Ross saying, "That was worthy of an Academy Award....a Police Academy Award." A Police Academy Award? Where could he have gotten that from? Perhaps here? Hmmm?

ENTERTAINMENT?
Apparently Rosie O'Donnell is being considered to replace Bob Barker as the host of The Price is Right. What the "F"! This is down right blasphemy! I don't even know if they should keep the show going without Bobby. I think we know my thoughts on Rosie, c'mon! I think we all know that if they are going to keep the show going it could only be with one person. Am I right? That's right folks,I'm speaking of the one and only......Alan Thicke.


Although that suit may clash with the Price is Right set, I dunno. If Thicke doesn't get that, I'm still avidly writing to VH1 to have an Alan Thicke reality show, possibly called "In the Thicke of Things" or "The Thicke of it All". I'd watch, that's all I'm saying.


OTHER NEWS:
Paris Hilton went to jail, while Rosie O'Donnell still walks the streets. Spurs win another championship (yawn.). The Mighty Ducks win the Stanley Cup, but still no retro jerseys from the original Mighty Ducks movie. The best network you're not watching...Lifetime! Bill Bellamy may have one of the best managers around. The guy's everywhere and still without any discernible talent! Alright that's it I'm Audi 5000, y'all!

BULLSEYE!

So. It's been a bit since the last fresh post here at "Bitterness". To be honest, we've been feeling a bit blogged out. The blogs were coming out fast and furious for awhile there, and, while I realize I make it look so simple, sometimes I just gotta shut down and get myself back to neutral, take a little vacation from my problems. So, we're back, sort of. We've come up with a new little segment inspired by Murphy Brown, which, f.y.i., was a pretty good show. Well, in case you haven't bought the Murphy Brown DVDs yet, here's what I'm talking about. You see in Murphy's office she has a dartboard on the back of her door, where she continually would place pictures of people, things, nouns in general, that she disliked or had a recent beef with. Because, well, it's fun to feel like you're actually throwing sharp objects at things you dislike. So we here at "Bitterness" give you the first ever installment of "Bullseye". First on the board is...... ------------------------------Rosie O'Donnell-----------------------------------

The gang at "Bitterness" has never been a fan of Rosie, but even less so now. Often the butt or bud of many jokes, Rosie is now gonna put out a book. Great. Is this really necessary? The article I read, said, her much awaited book is due in bookstores soon. Much awaited? Really? I mean how many people are looking for what happened when the cameras weren't rolling on the set of the Flintstones? I'll wait for the Rick Moranis memoirs for those anecdotes, thank you very much. And are people gonna be lining up to find out what it was like chilling with Emilio Estevez and Richard Dreyfuss while filming Another Stakeout? Like Emilio would be caught dead in public with Rosie. Paha-lease! Okay well maybe while Emilio was all high or something, you know like when he married, future " Bitterness" dartboard pin-up, Paula Abdul. We really only hope she talks about how hard it was "coming out" . Yeah, a gay entertainer, this day and age, real troublesome. You're tugging at our collective heartstrings. It's not like you're Rock Hudson sweetheart. But congratulations are in order Rosie, as you are the innaugural pin-up on the "Bitterness" dartboard. And we'll finish by kindly asking the world to not buy her book, cause lord knows where the profits will end up. And we sure don't want them parlayed into an Exit to Eden Part Two or a sequel to that movie where she rides the bus.

ROUNDOFFS-FEATURING PLAYOFF BEARDS

Egads, it's been half a fortnight since the last new post here at "Bitterness", and while we've had longer posting droughts, we are hoping to at least have one fresh post a week, as our pledge to you, our loyal readers. And that was the longest sentence in the history of "Bitterness". You are now part of history. But enough of that foolishness, on with the show! It's "Roundoff" time, once again, and we do not care for any pro gymnasts, or anti-guymnasts for that matter, to tell us the true meaning of the "roundoff". No thank you! It's what we say it is, and it's when the Oompa Loompas in Willy Wonka do those little half cartwheel, half somersault things. Bill, you were there. Speaking of Bill, he likes hockey, and as luck would have it, the NHL Playoffs are in full swing and.......




The Sabres just may be the team to beat in the Prince of Wales Conference. And much like a proposed bill in Congress, they will have to go through the Senators. And what a front line they present. Kerry, Obama, Clinton? You kidding me? Although Hillary's playoff beard has not really grown in so, well, advantage Sabres. But seriously, the boys from Buffalo are exciting to watch and the tension between the Sabres and the Senators is palpable, I think? But I'm definitely in the Sabres corner, and I think they should be able to do it, if they stick to their guns and wear throwback jerseys. It's the only way to resurrect the spirits of Darren Puppa and dale Hawerchuk. Not that they're dead, they just don't play anymore. Just face facts Senators fans, Alexei Yashin is not walkin through that door, deal with it! Here are some playoff beards to ease the pain of that last statement.












While it's very easy to get caught in the majesty of playoff beards, we mustn't forget that this is one of the greatest times of the year for movies. Kids are out of school so movie studios will blast us with special effects and big name stars at every corner. There are so many movies that we here at "Bitterness" want to see and have high hopes for, that it seems almost implausible, though not impossible, that they'll live up to the hype. But in a summer full of blockbusters, we want to take this time to endorse a nice little, low budget indie film, that won't get much press or publicity, and thus needs the help of us here at "Bitterness". Now it's a movie that should speak to any male of my generation, for sure. This little film that can, is, none other than Transformers. Who doesn't love robots, right? And robots that turn into cars or other things, like cassette players? Sounds great. I mean they obviously have a low budget, as they signed that Even Stevens kid to act in it. Well, since there will be very few ads or promotions found about this film, we took the liberty of finding some exclusive shots from the movie set, for your viewing pleasure, enjoy:












Oh man, I cannot wait for Voltron and Thundercats! But there really are a lot of movies the staff at "Bitterness" are itching to see this summer, and we're not just talking about Spiderman the Third: At World's Order of the Pheonix Ultimatum, no, no. This is the summer for lovable tv stars to rock the box office. Well "rock" may not be accurate. How 'bout, will at least do fair in theaters and develop a cult following later? But if you're wondering what I'm blabbing about, check out what I mean, here. No, don't adjust your monitors, my talents have been noticed once again and I am now a contributor on yet another blog. Don't be alarmed, this will in not affect the quality of "Bitterness" in any way, shape or form. Speaking of form....


That Barry Bonds sure likes he's in midseason form.....for a 28 year-old. And he can deny using performance enhancers all he wants, but we'll never believe him one bit. In fact we have some pretty damning evidence. Many don't know that Mr. Bonds was on the hit TV game show Match Game in 1998. Now they will never air this episode again, so if you didn't catch it, you missed out, but we were able to unearth the transcript from the show in question.

Paul Boland: Suzy complained that she has very little time to get to the gym. The only way she stays in shape is with a lot of blanking.

Boland: Okay let's go to Barry Bonds and see what he put down. Barry?
Barry: HGHing?
Boland: Oooh. I'm sorry, that's not a match, and may not be an actual term.

Later in the show.....
Boland: Well, Larry, very unfortuantely, you've been paired with Barry Bonds to help you go for the big bucks. If you can match the number one audience answer you'll win some big money. Now although Barry has been nowhere near matching anyone today, you still have a shot. So here we go, Larry and Barry.....the first part is....STAIR_____.

Larry: Well?
Boland: Let's see. Well is the number two audience answer. Barry?
Barry: Roid?
Boland: Stair..roid? Hmmm? Okay, that wasn't on the board Barry, but Larry, you still walk away with a good chunk of cash! See you next time.

Bonds was never asked back.

If that's not enough, how about we use our newest technological advancement the Future Machine. We are currently the only blog that can look into the future and see what people will look like down the road. So we put Barry's picture into the Future Machine and this is what Barry will look like in 10 years:



Compared to a nice wholesome Jon Kitna, whose only performance enhancer is milk, ten years from now:

What a ruggedly handsome Christian.

Well, that it's it for this edition of "Roundoffs". Hope you enjoyed and be good out there.

THE FUTURE?

Well the NFL Draft has come and gone, and now you're left wondering which picks will pan out, who will flop , and who the pleasant little surprises will be. But luckily for you, the staff at "Bitterness" has been working around the clock, looking over names and numbers of every single draft pick. We've created bar graphs, line graphs, and pie charts, so you, our beloved readers, won't have to wait for these guys to even play a game to find out what will happen.

THE BUSTS:
BRADY QUINN-MEDICINE WOMAN, CELEVELAND- We're just playing the odds here. I mean, the Browns? They haven't exactly been a great judge of talent. Their first round picks over the years list like a who's who of draft busts. But with two first round picks, the odds are only one will be bad. Cause they've improved over the last couple years, sure, but let's face it, they're due. Plus, they're quarterback judgement has never been, well, good. I mean, time's gonna tell on Charlie Frye and Spergon Wynn, sure, but does the name Tim Couch ring a bell? Eric Zeier? The last QB the Brownies drafted that did anything? Take your time. Actually, we've only researched back to 1982, so we'll get back to you. This could also be because so many people want Quinn to be a bust, that we can will it with our minds.


LEVI "BUTTON FLY" BROWN, ARIZONA- We like that Arizona went out to beef up that offensive line with this top pick, but there's something that tells us he just won't pan out. Oh, yeah, playing in Arizona. Now usually the first couple tackles taken in the draft pan out, but not this year. Cardinals should've tried to trade up for Joe Thomas or down for Joe Staley. Joe is a solid blocking name, whereas, Levi? Biblical, yes, but that not withstanding, we feel "button fly" won't do much in the NFL. HE could very well be the next Blake Brockermeyer.

LEON "KIDS IN THE" HALL or LEON-ME HALL, CINCINNATI- Playing in Cincy, he'll probably be in jail before he makes his first career interception, but if he escapes those odds, will still be very overrated. There were a few comparisons to Ty Law, but we don't see it. The only similarity we see is that they both played DB for Michigan. Sorry Benglas fans, but he join the likes of Keiwann Ratliff and Jonathan Joseph, the last two corners drafted by the Bengals in fighting for time on the nickel and dime packages.


TED GINN "AND JUICE", MIAMI- Just call it a hunch, but we think Teddy-bear will be a huge flop and a terrible pick by the Dolphins. I know they want to replace Wes Welker, but they already have Az-Zahir Akim and P.K. Sam. I mean, really, how's he even gonna get playing time? We see a career that'll last because of returning skills, but that's all, hardly worth a first round pick. If anything he's the next Tamarick Vanover. But on the plus side, once his career goes south (even more south than Miami) he can look forward to teaming up with O.J. Simpson on some VH-1 show called "Ginn and Juice". The details of the show, are still up in the air. Tamarick Vanover is still waiting for the right vehicle to get him back into the mainstream.

SURPRISES:
The surprises, are gonna be those guys from the fifth through seventh round who will be impact players. You know your Curtis Martins, Tom Bradys, Terrell Davis' and yes, Marques Colstons. So here ya go:


CB-RASHARD BARKSDALE, PHILADELPHIA- The defensive back out of Albany has a huge upside, we guess. He should become a household name in 2-3 years, you watch, cause he's Dane-gerous!

LB-JUSTIN ROGERS, NEW ENGLAND- Bill Belichik is a tremendous judge of talent, so we think theis Southern Methodist will make a big impact for the Pats. We predict he'll bein the Pro Bowl in three years.

WR-JORDAN KENT, SEATTLE- Now we know the last wide receiver named Kent, didn't pan out so well, but, he will be know Joey, believe you me. We feel that once they see his skills they'll feel free to jettison a high-priced receiver like Deion Branch, to pave the way for this former Oregon Duck.

WR-JOHNATHAN HOLLAND's OPUS, OAKLAND- One pick away from being Mr. Irrelevant, Holland is, in the literal sense, this year's Marques Colston. But the comparisons won't stop there, as he and J-Russ will quickly bond in camp and will soon become the next Kitna to Galloway. In fact after Holland bursts on to the scene, the second to last pick in the draft will be as coveted as the first pick!

WR-STEVE BREASTON, ARIZONA- Breaston will be added to what will soon be the best wide receiving corps in all the land. This was a fifth round steal for the Cardinals! We had Breaston as like late third, early fourth round in our heads, but he dropped and now the Cards will reap all the benefits.

ILB-H.B. BLADES, WASHINGTONB-H- H.B. is soon gonna stand for Hitting Bastard, as he bursts onto the Washington football scene! Blades will slice through offenses and be a hitting machine! So lookout!

QB- JORDAN PALMER, WASHINGTON- A good draft by the 'Skins as they have another good find. There's always a QB in the late rounds who is destined for greatness. Plus as Carson's younger brother, he looks just like him, which could confuse some defenses. Plus he attended UTEP, which means he knows the UTEP-Three-Step drop. The sky's the limit for J-Palm!


RB-KENNETH "TERENCE TRENT" DARBY, TAMPA BAY- With "Cadillac" Williams being downgraded to a Pinto after last year, and the quarterback situation super murky, Darby has his chance to take the NFL by storm! And there's no doubt in our minds, that he will.

Well there ya have it, who's gonna be a bust as well as a few surprises. And just to prove we know what we're talking about...we're the ones that predicted Sylvester Morris would be the next Herman Moore, that John Offerdahl was a sure fire Hall of Famer and that Leeland McElroy would break all sorts of rushing records. So there!