Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Okay so, you knew it was coming, so get that look of surprise of your face! Johnny Damon is a Yankee, and I'm pissed off. I'm mad at Damon, the Yankees and most of all the Red Sox management and ownership. So this will be a quick three part blog.

Part One: Yankees suck!
I'll just get this out of the way. It's the easiest one, and really it has nothing to do with them signing Damon. As you may know I pretty much loathe/ despise the Yankees and everything about them. They did what they had to do, but I still hate them. And that's all I have to say about that.

Part Two: Damon is an ass!
All that talk about team unity and wanting to win again in Boston is purely bs. Is there no loyalty in sports at all! It seemed pretty apparent that Damon would not be spending 2006 in Boston, but the Yankees! THE YANKEES!!! I mean you can't go from talking trash about the Yankees, brawling with the Yankees, helping to defeat the Yankees en route to the first World Series victory in Boston since 1918, to becoming a Yankee! Well, apparently you can.

Part Three: What were the Sawx thinking?
The Yankees gave Damon $52 million over 4 years, a number the Sawx could easily have coughed up. There problem was with the length of the contract. Huh? Last time I checked contracts were just a formality. How many athletes actually fullfill their original contracts these days? That and the fact that we've yet to see any major decline in Damons numbers. I mean Julio Franco is 87 years old and he's still going strong. There's also that slight problem of the Red Sawx having no one to play centerfield. Yeah, way to think it through. No need for a lead off hitter who hits over .300 and can drive in 75 runs. And what about lifelong Red Sawx fan Matt Damon? All those shirts and jerseys he may have with the name Damon on the back, must now be destroyed. So to 'lil Matty Damon I say, "I feel your pain and hope this will not hinder in any way the making of Ocean's 13 or the Bourne Insanity."

Et tu Jesus!

Don't worry, his power is in his hair, just like Samson!

Seasons Greetings

Today, a touch of holiday bitterness to give your egg nog a little kick! Now this isn't your run of the mill (and Danny I expect you to tell us where the phrase "run of the mill" origianted from) rant about the malls being packed, the people being annoying , etcetera, etcetera. Now don't get me wrong, much of that holiday hustle and bustle makes me bitter, that's for damned sure. After all I do work in retail. But today is not the day for that bitterness. Well, sort of. You see I want to talk about this "Happy Holidays" horse pucky. You know what I'm talking about, this politically correct flim flam about stores and companies not putting up signs and decorations that will wish the consumer a Merry Christmas, so as to not offend your average Joel Goldensteinberg! I mean for Islam's sake!

Now I understand that when everyone would freely display their "Merry Christmas" banners and decorations, a lot of Jewish people were upset and felt slighted. For they of course do not celebrate one day of Christmas, but eight crazy nights of Channukah. And you don't want to piss off lawyers, bankers and Hollywood that's for sure. So, the next step of course is to display both Channukah and Christmas decorations. Surely this would be the perfect solution and everyone would be happy. In an ideal world, sure, but not in America, land of diversity. You see, we forgot the most storied holiday of all! That's right folks, Kwanzaa.

Kwanzaa is a holiday I'm not all that familiar with. In fact I'd never heard of it 'til about five years ago. I do not know anyone who celebrates it or anything about it. But someone celebrates it, so it must be acknowledged. So in the customer service industry we must adhere to saying "Happy Holidays" in order to encompass everyone's beliefs. So now we have definitely solved the problem, everyone's happy, right? Wrong again, my friends. Cause see now certain Christmas folks are unhappy about the words Happy Holiday. Mad because stores and places are displaying Happy Holidays and not Merry Christmas! In Rochester, for example, they are actually protesting Target, Build-a-Bear Workshop and Lowe's, just to name a few for having Happy Holidays and not Merry Christmas on their holiday items and decortaions. No to all these people I say, "get over yourselves!"

If I want to wish Merry Christmas to a Jewish person, they should not be offended. Christmas is December 25th, each and every year. Christmas day is marked on just about every calendar (as is Channukah). Christmas day is still Christmas day, whether or not you celebrate it. December 25th IS Christmas! It's like if I say "God Bless You" when an atheist sneezes, and said atheist replies angrily, "I don't believe in God!" Well, ya know what I do, and I can ask him to bless whoever I feel like. If someone were to wish me a Chappy Channukah, I would not be offended. I would say Shalom or Mahtzultav (not sure how that's spelled?) and be on my way. In no way are these words intended to impart or force a culture upon people, so everyone needs to lighten up! No one is ignoring or slighting Christmas, by saying Happy Holidays. Maybe they did not notice that those giant trees are not for Channukah or Kwanzaa. Those jolly fat guys in the red suits in every single shopping mall are not lighting menorahs. In fact, how many people who celebrate Christmas actually believe in God or go to church??? I think we lost the true meaning and spirit of this holiday to capitalism and big business a long time ago. Also how does JC being Jewish fit into the protesters picture. I'm sure the son of God would be fine with being issued a, Happy Holidays, a Chappy Channukah or a Merry Christmas, although Happy Birthday would probably be more appropriate. So if people don't lighten up, where will all this end? Getting Charlie Brown off the air because there are no Jewish people in the Peanuts gang? Suing the Dr. Seuss estate because no made up creatures are trying to steal Kwanzaa?? Well I will tell you this much....if Charlie Brown did have a Channukah special, Javen would own it! And Javen celebrates (drum roll please).....Christmas! So have a Chappy Christmas, a Merry Channukah, a killer Kwanzaa and a B-E-A-Utiful Boxing Day!

Scars and stitches always fade and only strengthen me

So, last night, my lady friend and fellow Gusterroid, Jaime, headed down to gorges Ithaca to see my favoritest band in the whole wide world, guster! For those who don't know I am somewhat obssessed with the band guster, and there music. Not in like a crazy stalker way, I just kind of watch them form a distance. No, but seriously, I am on there website on an almost daily basis, I've emailed them several times, have all there albums, including 4 or 5 live shows I downloaded off the net. It is safe to say I'm a fan. Now for those who are not on the guster bus, hop a board I'll burn you some tracks. But I digress. On to the happenings of this fateful Tuesday night in Ithaca, it's gorges (last Ithaca is gorges joke, I promise)! It took about 50 minutes or so to get to the venue, thanks mapquest, and we were ready to rock out to guster! Upon entrance to the State Theatre we checked out the merch table and both happily picked up new guster tees! Jaime's is a light green with some yellow sunflowers growing out of the band name, mine is a cranberry long sleeve with guster simply written in the middle in a blue bubble. I was happy. But then the show happened...
Our seats were in the balcony, a pretty good view, but there was not much leg room to sit, which would of course only be a problem until guster came on and I would be standing the rest of the evening. Now here is where I take issue. Guster comes out to raucous applause, almost, that's right ALMOST, everyone stands. But then a strange thing happened in our section of the State Theatre, everyone sat DOWN! WHAT the *@#%! I was taken aback as Jaime and I were the only ones in our section standing. Now guster is not a moshing band or anything, but as I heard one tool say to his friends who were planning on sitting, "because the balcony was steep", that, "this is a standing band, you gotta stand up, this is a standing band." Now I would never utter those words, well maybe now, in a mocking way, but he had point in his own douchy way, you don't sit at shows, concerts, etc. This is not the first time this has happened. Back in the day when I went to see Beck at the Landmark, Javen and myself, in the balcony again, were asked by the people behind us to sit down. You DON'T SIT at shows, unless you're like in a wheel chair or something. This ain't the opera or the philharmonic. So after about four or five songs, and after realizing State Theatre security was purty lax, we made our way down to the floor for a closer view. We felt much more in place, standing and singing along to the guster. So what else could piss me off you ask? Well I'll tell ya.
The fans at this particular show. Now I am all for a band growing its fanbase, and all, but it was pretty clear that this was predominantly Keep It Together fans. This was Guster's last album, and these fans were of course lost when the band decided to play some favorites from back in the day. But these fans should not get mad if I'm singing along, that's what happens at shows! The people in front of us had there arms folded across there chests, not singing along, and seemed pretty upset at our singing. Which makes me want to say, why weren't they stuck with the balcony seats,and more real, diehard fans able to get seats near the band? Can't they have like a band test or something to determine where you sit? This was not a good crowd. They even were cheering and singing along while Ryan, guster's lead singer, started covering a Lindsay Lohan song, mockingly off key I might add. Oh and I forgot to mention the girls screaming at the top of their lungs during songs. Totally unnecessary. Now comes the time for the encore, where everyone claps to get the band to come back out, and those people in our section in the balcony are STILL SITTING!
But the show was not all bad, there were plenty of highlights, aside from guster, themselves, being awesome as usual. The Lohan cover was amusing, although I didn't know what it was until I was told after the show. Really. They also played three old songs that I had never seen them perform live: X-Ray Eyes (one of my favorites from their second album), Great Escape, where they changed one verse to the chorus from "Add it Up" by the Violent Femmes, and Rainy Day, the last track off their third album, which can also be heard in the movie Life as a House. They also played three new songs that will be on their next album- Captain which had a kickass folksy twang to it, The Beginning of the End which had a familiar sound to it that I couldn't quite place and Satellite, which I don't recall that well. But, I think my favorite part of the show was when Ryan began singing "Two Points for Honesty", which apparently was not next on the set list. He sang the first verse, "If that's all you will be...." to which Adam replied into his mike, with a laugh, "WRONG". Ryan then asked, "why can't we play that one?" So they play that one and Ryan messes up the verses and after they're done with the song, says, "I've had a few" Oh that Ryan, he's a silly, silly man. Never a dull moment at a guster show!

Well, keep on truckin'!

Say it ain't so Theo, say it ain't so!

Today Red Sox Nation bids adieu to General, er, former General Manager Theo Epstein, who resigned on Monday. He gave us Big Papi, traded Nomar, got Schilling and helped bring Boston it's first Baseball title in 86 years. I'll miss ya Theo (sniff, tear).

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Well my friend Bill beat me to the punch (Ohhhh Yeahhhhhhhhh!) but I was intent on making a post on the Sunday night Bills-Patriots game. So here goes anyways. Now, first and foremost, if you don't already know, I am a Patriots fan, and have been since I started watching football. So keep that in mind. Now I'm not gonna talk much about the game itself, because I was passed out, from paying the Tedy Bruschi drinking game (drink every time they mention Tedy Bruschi), by halftime. Now I don't want to be insensitive or uncaring, because having a stroke of any kind is pretty serious, no matter what Bill and Javen say. If any of my friends were to have a "mild" stroke, well , okay, our lives would be much the same since we're not all that active as is. But here's the thing, was it a coincidence that Bruschi picked a nationally televised game to make his return? I'm thinking not. Now this is a pretty big story sure, but did this game need a big story line to get ratings? Probably not, the Bills and Patriots were battling for first place in the AFC East. Now allow me to elaborate on what really pissed me off about ESPN's coverage:

1) When cutting to commercial they showed a fun little Bruschi montage to the tune of Chad Kroeger's "Hero". Of course the tune I loved (sometimes it's hard to convey sarcasm in writing). Alright, fair enough, but this was done, not just once, but on several occassions. At least use a different song. for crying out loud!

2) The Bruschi story interfered with the actual game coverage. Let me paint you a little picture here.... The Patriots have the ball after a Bills kickoff, cut to Tedy Bruschi's wife in the stands, as they drone on about her helping decide on whether or not it was time to come back or something like that. Now the sideline stories etcetera are great, but I wanted to watch the game. So what happened you ask? Well, when they cut back to the game, the Bills had the ball. Now that is what I would call pretty bad coverage. Now after the Bills ran a couple of plays, they explained what happened and even were so kind as to replay the fumble. Gee. Thanks.

3) Similar situation later in the game, they were interviewing Bob Kraft while the Bills had the ball, and, apparently learning their lesson from earlier, they did a picture-in-picture with Kraft in the corner and the game, not taking up the whole rest of the screen, but a sizable portion. Now, while this was happening the Bills fumbled and the Patriots recovered. At least this one I could see, but was somewhat unsure of what was going on with the smaller picture and no commmentary. And could I just add that I'm thankful for Robert Kraft doing what he has done for the Patriots, but he should never, ever speak. Aside from his slow, annoying way of speaking he called Tedy Bruschi and intelligent individual. A decent linebacker, yes, but intelligent man? C'mon.

Okay, now I'm just want to say how much I het Paul McGuire and that I'm not all that thrilled with Joe Theismann either. At points they were like us being drunk at a bar commenting on a game. Like Theismann saying the play clock should be reduced to 25 seconds in the last two minutes to make the games "that much more exciting". To which Paul McGuire, replied, almost irritatedly yelling at Theismann, "They have 58 minutes to have a chance!" That was even stupider than Joe asking Paul, did they ever try and ice you? Yeah Joe, they tried to ice a punter. Then when Mike Patrick asked who they thought Mike Mularkey, facially, looked like, to which I, in my living room, immediately responded, "Kevin Costner!" He's not identical, but you can see a resemblance. Joe and Paul didn't know and after Mr. Patrick said, "Kevin Costner", Paul McGuire responded with a crass and curt, "No." As if Mike Patrick was the idiot in the booth? Not a courteous, "Nooooo" to at least humor him, but a flat out, you are out of your mind, have another one, "No." Paul McGuire you are a horse's petoot!
Keep on trucking everyone!

Quoth the drunken forever more!

So with the recent addition of digital cable to my family, I have had, opened unto me, a whole new, vast, world of entertainment. So as I was channel surfing the other night I came across AFI (American Film Institute)'s TOP 100 movie quotes on Bravo. Now of some of these were from classic movies that I have never seen, but of course know the quotes, because they're the top 100 movie quotes. Here were the top ten. How many times have you seen these used, spoofed, parodied in other shows, movies, etc.:
10. " You talkin to me"- Taxi Driver
9. " Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night"- All About Eve
8. " May the force be with you"- Harrison Ford, Star Wars IV, A New Hope
7. " Alright Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up"- Sunset Bouleverd
6. " Go ahead make my day"- Sudden Impact
5. "Here's looking at you kid" -Casablanca
4. "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore" -Wizard of Oz
3. " I coulda been a contendah..."- On the Waterfront
2. " I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse."-The Godfather
1. " Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."- Gone with the Wind

Now of those Top Ten quotes I've seen only two of the movies they're from start to finish, but am familiar with all of these quotes. But it got me to thinking about the quotes my fiends and I use on a virtually regular basis. So I decided to compile a top ten quotable movies amongst my friends and I. now remember this is not a list of the quotablest or most quotable movies ever made. These are ten movies that, if you watched them you could join in 95% of all conversations my friends and I engage in. I'm pretty sure my friends and I could probably quote several of these movies start to finish. Now if you haven't seen any of these movies, go have yourself checked cause you ain't right! Also, for some of these movies if you haven't seen said movie, the quote might not be great because you don't know the context, tone, etc. So, without further ado, well maybe one more ado, adieu, here they are with a taste of why they're on the list:
The Top Ten, but first, the honorable mentions that didn't quite make the cut:
Fletch, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Office Space, Meet the Parents, National Lampoon's- Animal House, European Vacation and Vacation, Rushmore, There's Something About Mary, Spaceballs, The Naked Guns, Major League and many more that I can't quite think of right now. So, enjoy:
10. Ghostbusters
- Ray, when someone asks if you're a God, you say "Yes"!
- Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.
- Mother pus bucket.
- Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
- Yes it's true. (pause) This man has no dick
- NOBODY steps on a church in my town.
- Janine, someone with your qualifications would have no trouble finding a
top-flight job in either the food service or housekeeping industries.
- I love this plan, I'm excited to be a part of it!
- It's Miller Time!

9. Black Sheep
- Well, I got a 426 hemi here, 3/4 cams, nitro boosters, I can get 'er up to as good as 155! Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess I was goin' about... 65, tops.
- SEVEN! SEVEN miles an hour! And normally, when I stop people, they pull onto the 'shoulder'!
- Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me and the wall here, I doozy myself last night. Ha ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle give me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry honey, please don't ! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I...
- That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!
- And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!"
- Ro-ads. Ro-ods.
- Yea! Kill whitey!
- Lil' help from the Donnelly campaign

8. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
- Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
- Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
- the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
- Shitter was full.
- Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
- And why is the carpet wet, Todd?
- Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.
- Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - brousing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
- Little knot here Russ, why don't you work on that.

7. Swingers
- No, baby, you're money.
- Vegas baby! Vegas!
- Baby, we're going to be up five hundy by midnight!
- All right, I'll ask! Ma'am, where do the high school girls hang out in this town?
- who's the big winner here tonight at the casino? Huh? Mikey, that's who. Mikey's the big winner. Mikey wins.
- The place is dead anyway
- I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super fan 99 over here.
- Y'know, it's not so much me as Roenick; he's good.
- I'm the asshole? I'm the asshole in the place yeah? Yeah, well I'm outta here. I would never eat here, I would never eat here anyway.

6. Anchorman
- Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
- Panda Watch!
- Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.
- I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
- Can't say one word, huh? Even the guy that can't think said something!
- You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
- I don't know what we're yelling about!
- Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
- I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.
- I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
- Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
- Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
- Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the toilet store?
- I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
- Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
- The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...
- I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
- Great Odin's raven!
- They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time it works every time.
- I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
- I love lamp.
- If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary ready for ya.
- Knights of Columbus, that hurt!
- WHAMMY!


5.Dodgeball
- If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball.
- Effin A Cotton, eeeeeeffffffffin A!
- Ooh, Ouchtown, population you, bro!
- Well, if you can't raise fifty-thousand dollars with an impromptu carwash, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
- It's White!
- So I'll go turn on the thong song and we'll tear this place apart.
- QUEERBAIT!
- I like to keep my body guessing.
- That's a perfectly normal everyday thing.
- Joanie loves Chaci!
- Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.
- Always remember the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
- Pepper needs new shorts, Cotton!
- You're about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.
- You had me at blood and semen.
- In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... in a book!

4. Old School
- True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...
- We're going streaking!
- You think KFC's still open.
- Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
- Blue, you're my boy!
- I see Blue, He look's glorious.
- Once it hits your lips, it's so good!
- Y-You're crazy, man. You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy.
- Oh yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?
- Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.
- No it's cool man, bring your green hat!

3. Tommy Boy
- You're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there?
- He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
- Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
- You have de-railed...
- And the medic gets out and says, "Oh, my God!" The new guy's around the corner puking his guts out.
- Hey, there's even a fridge! You could put six packs of be - soda in here.
- It's called reading! Top to bottom, left to right... a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches... Midol for any cramps.
- Heh, heh, it's a clip-on.
- Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
- It's HERBIE Hancock.
- Tommy Likey! Tommy want wing-ey!

2. Big Lebowski
- Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon.
- Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't get in a car, I don't ride in a car, I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit..DON'T FUCKIN ROLL! SHOMER SHABBOS!
- The chinaman is not the issue here, dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.
- Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero!
- I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude.
- So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know...
- The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary.
- Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling.
- Good night sweet prince.
- Fuckin' A, man. I got a rash, man.
- You mean coitus?

1. Caddyshack-
- Ahoy polloi.
- Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.
- You, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
- How 'bout a FRESCA? Hmm? Hmmm?
- YOU'LL GET NOTHING AND LIKE IT!
- Pool and a pond... Pond be good for you.
- This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.
- The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
- Cinderella story, tears in his eyes I guess.
- Cannonball comin!
- Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid.

Well there you have it. What I feel are the Top Ten most quotable movies, of course Wedding Crashers may jump onto the list, once out on DVD and we get it back in our heads. Until that day comes, keep your ears to the grindstone.

The promised land!!

That's right folks, the day has finally come!! I have jumped into the 21st century and have gotten the internet (it's on computers now!) in my very own home! It's gloooooooorious! Now I can look up all sorts of stuff like websites of por....educational things, put candy bars in the freezer..... But of course more importantly, this means that the proud citizens of "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch" nation (at least a dozen in number) can read what I have to say on a much, much more regular basis. Who's the big winner! Now enough with the green beans and potatoes let's get right to the meat, there are a lot of things stuck in my craw!
I want to talk about our national pasttime, no, not being overweight, lazy and making shotty products, but baseball. Now first a moment of silence or space for my poor fallen Red Sox (shhhh ). Now it not so much baseball itself, rather than FOX's coverage of it. FOX sucks! Why do they have to have the tv dates for later playoff rounds set in stone?? Here's the deal, in the ALDS the Angels and the American League team from NYC had a rain out pushin game 4 back to a Sunday night, with game 5 scheduled for the next night, all the way on the other side of the country in Cali. But if this weren't retarded enough, game 1 of the ALCS was scheduled for Tuesday night in Chicago. Now as a result this had the NYC team all up in arms, which I hate and am in no way defending (which will be addressed momentarily), but...for those of you scoring at home that's one team having to play three games in three days in almost every time zone in the continental United States except for mountain! Meanwhile, both National League teams were done with there division series' by early Sunday evening, but the NLCS would not start until Wednesday? Why could they not have just had the NLCS start on Tuesday so both American League teams could have at least one day off. Now, granted the Angels did win game 1 of the ALCS, making me llok like some sort of idiot. Why can't they be more flexible? Just so the World Series can start on a Saturday? And also why do the LCS' have to be on at the same times during the week? When the LCS' started I did not have cable, which meant that I was at the mercy of FOX telling me which game I was gonna want to watch! Horse pucky, I say! Because I actually wanted to watch the Astros-Cardinals not the Angels-White Sox (which of course is the game I got). Now this is not a dilemma for most. But I remember back in the day when they had LCS games in late afternoon. GD capitalism, I says!
Now to the controversy. ALCS, Game 2. Dropped third strike??? Here are my thoughts:
Umpire Doug Eddings f*#ked up. Whether or not it was in the dirt or not, he did not make it clear. It is an umpire or referee's job to alleviate confusion, not create it! And Doug Eddings certainly created confusion. He did not make it clear as crystal that it was an out. And if you listened to his post game explanation, it was some run around confusing thing that seemed to offer no real explanantion. Angels catcher Josh Paul thought he caught the ball cleanly and instinctively rolled the ball back to the mound. Now the thing about catchers, is that on a ball in the dirt, third strike, they would, instinctively, tag the batter, but that did not happen. Paul said he thought he caught it, and this would be an elaborate rouse by Paul to fool the umpires. Paul said usually the umpire will say "no catch" if the ball hits the dirt. Again, this did not happen. But here's the thing...the batter was A.J. Pierzynski, another cathcer, who knew that the umpire did not say "no catch", but also did not say "out" either. Two catchers, both acting on catchers "instincts"? The fact of the matter is it is partly on Doug Eddings for not saying anything and just looking for the players to dictate the call. But, BUT! Josh Paul should have also known that there was no out call made and should have tagged Pierzynski. Now they say Eddings put his arm up in what is commmonly known as the out sign, but what he refers to as his third strike mechanic. Now, 1) why aren't all umpires, especially ones for the playoffs using the same "mechanics" and methods of making calls, uniformly? 2) How could Paul have seen the out sign anyways? We all saw it, but Paul could not have.
This has of course spawned debate about whether or not baseball should use instant replay. Now, first off, the replays on tv for the play in game 2 would probably of garnered an inconclusive result. Now instant replay is good, nay great, for football, but for baseball? Baseball is, for the most part, a traditional sport full of phantom tags, "in the neighborhood" rules, unwritten laws and rules, etc. The human error is what makes baseball. Last year in the ALCS there were a couple of bad calls, but the umpiring crew got together and made the right calls, without instant replay. Which is the best way to handle it. But some umpires will not swallow their pride and ask for help from their colleagues. Would I love to have seen Derek Jeter's Jeffry Maier aided home-run taken off the board, yes. But of they replayed it would they have called him out or given him second base? Would Tont Tarasco have even caught it? We'll never know, but for now I'm still standing my ground against instant replay in baseball. Well I gotta go an watch Grape Ape on Boomerang on Demand. You stay classy planet earth.

Ignorance is Bliss!

Well I think it's been pretty well established, that when it comes to the NFL, I don't know diddly squat! Never was this more evident then in Week 2! Or Weak 2 for me. Let's go back, shall we (insert wavy lines) to what I knew to be true after week 1:

1)The Steelers will run all over the hapless Texans and improve to 2-0. (So far so good, right?)
2) The Eagles will soar again and pummel the weak, weak, weak 49ers and get back on track. Another easy call, pick the Eagles.
3) Kurt Warner would be Rammed hard by his former mates in St. Louis, much to the dismay of the Kingdom of the mighty Cardinal. Of course the Rams won, but this turned out to be a lot closer that I suspected. Here's where the tide turns on me.
4)The Ravens will smother the once mighty Titans and coast to victory. Who knew the Ravens weren't that good? Put your hands down, it's a rhetorical qusetion!
5)Cleveland lost to Cincinnati sans Kitna and now they head into Lambeau to face Brett Favre....Hello 0-2 Romeo Crennel! The Browns must have had Sterling Sharpe triple covered or something?
6)Cincinnati is only 1-0 because they played the Browns and the Vikings just hadn't shaken the rust off their swords and shields yet. I picked the Vikes to go to the Super Bowl (don't really know why?)so they'll rebound nicely an order will be restored, right? Nope. Wrong again.
7)The Lions bowled over the Pack in week 1, so surely they must be good enough to beat the Bears, who lost 9-7 in week 1, right? No, they aren't and don't call me Shirley!
8) Then there's the Falcons, who looked solid on Monday night. They would have no problem against the overrated, (or is it underachieving?)Seattle Seahwaks. Wrong again Will, you ignorant bastard!
9) And finally there's no doubt the Cowboys will beat the lackluster Redskins offense in Dallas on Monday Night. This was all magnified by the ABC stat going into the fourth quarter and Dallas with a double digit lead: Bill Parcells is 77-0 when leading by thirteen or more going into the fourth quarter. 77-1. So close.

All in all I picked a mere 4 out of the 16 winners or 25%. An almost respectable batting average if I've got power at the plate. Everyone'll be happy to know I bounced back in week 4 going 12-4.

Yeah.......Blow Me

Ah, what a classic line from a great American movie classic. I know it has been a while since my last blog (four months to the day actually), but I've been busy, okay I've been lazy. So what could bring me back to the world of blogging you ask? Well, the start of the football season of course! That's right, tonight kicks off the 2005-2006 NFL season at Foxboro Stadium, home to my beloved Patriots. So that means it's time for my predictions, which 60% of the time are always right! Now, I don't want to brag, but I did pick the Patriots to beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl at the start of last season. Of, course I had predicted that for the last 4 seasons, but I don't think that should lessen the achievement by any means. I'm pretty sure, throughout the course of last season that I proved, pretty thoroughly, that I knew nothing about the NFL. But, this year I submit that I know even less. I know what you are thinking, and I didn't think that was possible either, but watch and learn:

1) Kurt Warner will uplift the Cardinals, "like a Pheonix rising up from the ashes" to a 6-10 record good for last place.
2) Eli Manning will rally the Giants for a big second win over the Cardinals, securing third place in the NFC East. What?! Apparently I'm being told that the Cardinals are no longer in the NFC East, so I guess the Giants will finish last, while customers continue to get perturbed with Jeremy Shockey buying 50 Hungry Man dinners in the 15 item or less line.
Shockey: It's one item!
3) My first signs of heartburn will strike about 12 minutes in to the Patriots-Raiders game.
4) Julius Jones will be good.
5) The Chargers will not lose a game when they wear the gay, powder blue uniforms!
6) Peyton Manning will throw for 4683 yards and 55 touchdowns. Eli Manning will throw a tantrum in Week 13.
7) This will be the season of Kitna (sit down Heisman!)
8) My lack of general player knowledge will see me out of the running in Fantasy Football by week five. The Dolphins will be out of the running by week 7!
9) Ben Roethilsberger will still have the tastiest name in football, ummmmmm, Roethilsbergers!!!
10) The Raiders won't make the Playoffs, the Cowboys will!
11) Donovan McNabb, fueled by that good 'ol Chunky Soup will lead the Eagles back to the Super Bowl and win the league's MVP award!
12) The 49ers will battle the Dolphins for the 2006 #1 pick! I mean why can't the Dolphins catch a break? No sympathy Dolphins, no sympathy!

And now for how the season will play out:
The Patriots will beat the Jaguars in the AFC Championship Game behind Matt Cassel, replacing an injured Tom Brady.
The Eagles will beat the Rams in the NFC Championship Game, setting up a Super Bowl Rematch.

And by prediction for the winnner of the Extra Large Super Bowl (Super Bowl XL, get it!) will be the Patriots by a score of 13-5!

Well as you can see I only get dumber.
You stay classy planet earth!

Back in Masss-a-chuuuuuuuuu-setts!!!

It's been over two months since my last blog, and not's really because I'm busy, I'm just lazy. A lot has happened in that time period: The NCAA crowned it's 2005 basketball champions, baseball season got underway, Toastie bought a new baseball videogame which we proceeded to play for roughly 14 hours straight (not even Billy-ball could hate on a Nationals-Pirates best of seven series!), the BII opened up it's patio for drinking, bird, the entire 105 "The Dog" entourage, a heavy helping of Limp Bizkit, Korn, Staind, etc. (no Seven Mary Three or Pretty Penny-Javen knows what I'm talkin' about), I finally got to see the Skychiefs win a game (drank a medium beer in honor of Billy, followed by three more large beers, then opted to trade in ticket at the Locker Room for a free Pabst, even though it was also good for free windshield washer fluid. This was a tough decision as the washer fluid packs a little more punch when ingested.), I meet Dane Cook and finally one of my good friends got married in my hometown, "Back in Massachuuuusettttttttts!" Which is what I really intend to make this blog about. And let me just say, that everything you are about to read is more or less true.

So I get in on Friday night and go to my friends apartment have a few beers and we're off to the "99" a local restaurant and bar, where I'm momentarily surprised to see many a Red Sox hat as well as each and every member of that staff wearing some sort of Red Sox T-shirt, until it dawns on me that I'm in Massachusetts where 96.5% of the population is a Red Sox fan (this is not fact, but made up.) Anyways, on to the better stuff. Chatting with my friends and drinking my Mass accent slowly, but surely, comes out of hiding. Now apparently, because we're in small towns for this weekend, every bar within reach closes at like 12:30 (I love Massachusetts, but 12:30? Be serious) Luckily my friend had beer at his abode and after a quick stop at the Kwik-E-Mart, er 7Eleven, for some Hot Pockets I was back in my happy place, beer in hand and The Big Lebowski in the DVD player. And as I bit into my Hot Pocket (burning my toungue of course) I wondered, "Could life get any better than this? Because I submit that it cannot!" But alas, it could. My friends wedding was at 5:30pm on Saturday, meaning there was a lot of time to kill, because being a man it doesn't take me five and half hours to put my face on and get all gussied-up. So my friend Sam and I decide we should sit around playing poker and watching movies all day. So I drank beer and played poker and watched Good Will Hunting, Anchorman and most of Super Troopers. Oh Happy Day.

Wedding takes place:
The priest, minister, pastor, whatever they call him in Catholicism, besides there daddy, I mean father, throws in a few one-liners about divine intervention propelling the Red Sox to thier first World Championship in over 86 years and for somehow guiding the Celtics to a Game 7 against Indiana two nights before (but as we all know, on the Seventh Game, God rested and the poor Celtics were beaten pretty handily.) He was actually pretty entertaining. So I proceeded to follow along with those that were Catholic, so I would know the hand motions and responses, as best I could. I'm pretty sure at one point I gave the sign to steal second. Now during the wedding I notice two peculiarly random things:
1) The Maid of Honor, is the brides best friend who attended Northeastern with the bride and groom. But here's the peculiarly random part............I hooked up with this girl during college whilst visiting my friends on my spring break. Just a tip, try not to hook up with your friend's, girlfriend's best friend, this is not the best use of road-trip mentality (if you don't know what road-trip mentality is, just aks somebody!) . I mean, first of all what are the odds of going anywhere and finding someone I hooked up with, excluding Shannon family events (sorry Bill)? Luckily this was not too awkward, but made me giggle, because I can honestly say I hooked up with the Maid of Honor, which, lets face it, is the crowning achievement for any guy at a wedding. The only thing that could top that, would be hooking up with the bride, which is rarer than a perfect game. Now of course I didn't hook-up with her at the wedding,it was at least five years ago, but no smell, no tell, it'll be our little secret.
2) The bride's cousin's date is Joe from the Real World Miami! Now I realize most don't watch the Real World, but this is pretty random, wouldn't you say? Now it wouldn't be 'til the end of the reception when I was good and drunk that I would talk to him about his stint on the MTV reality show, I don't remember much of this exchange, but I think it started a lil' sumpin like this, (me in slurred drunken voice) "So I'm sorry, I gotta do it...REAL WORLD MIAMI!" He was a nice fella, very down to earth. There was so much I wanted to know, but didn't ask.

The reception was open bar so that was really a five-hour blur, but here's what I pieced together:

I drank so many Captain and Cokes, that when they saw me coming they started making me another and it was ready for me when I got there, just about everytime.

There was eight courses! ( I rarely eat that many "courses" in a three day span.)

I yelled at the dj to play Neil Diamond several hundred times. (Sweet Caroline did finally play. I've been to four weddings in my life and only once was Sweet Caroline, one of the best songs to sing along too drunk, not played. Look ashamed Mr. Conroy!)

I was yelling and drinking so much, that I could barely talk by nights end. Me and a couple of others looked for more drinking after the reception, to find that only the finest dance club in Randolph, MA, right next door was open. (It was like 12:20am)When we appraoched the door, the bouncer immediately walkie-talkied management to the front, which had to be good sign right? Clearly he saw us in our Sunday's Best and was gonna lead us to the Champagne Room. Yeah, so, after a mini-hassle with ids ( a few out-of-staters in the crowd) my friend Johnny Walker (no lie, that's his real name) is pinpointed as a troublemaker. The bouncer tells him to behave himself. Let me just say, we were all drunk, but we were not being loud, obnoxious or belligerent (which is how I knew I needed more to drink). Walkah, as we call him in Mass., was not even as drunk as me and as I was let in, the bouncer says, "Keep an eye on your friend." All this hassle and we weren't even in the door yet. (Like I said, this is no Boston though, where our beloved Toastie was once so drunk he was leaning on the police officer at the door of bar and not five minutes later, although barely being concious, had a fresh beer in hand at said bar.) But, once in the door, we find out there's a $10 cover, to which we said, NOOOOOOOO DIIIIIIIICE! and cheesed it out the door. I have only myself to blame. Who doesn't have at least a post-reception 12er in the hotel room?? But I guess seeing as how I could only talk in a low pitched scratchy voice, bed was probably the best bet anyways. Annnnnnnnnnd............scene!

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad March

Ahh, it's that time of year. The time of year when almost every Division I college basketball team as a shot at winning it all. Theoretically that is. A time of year when everyone looks to have their "One Shining Moment". It's a time when basketball is pure and beautiful. But more importantly, it's the time of year to take days off of work to start drinking at 12:07 in the afternoon and scream at your television, cheering on a bunch of chucklehouses you may never have heard of before now, to upset a big time powerhouse in the NCAA tourney. And it could just happen.

Oh I love it! The NCAA Tournament is just plain super! A time when everyone and their mother's has some sort of tournament pool. It's where names like Drew, Smart, Whittenburg and even Cipolla can be heroes. It's where guys like Harold Arcineaux (minus one lamp, thanks to Toastie.) can shine, if just, for a moment, on the national stage. It's where Spiders can take down Wildcats! Where Friars forsake Blue Devils. Where Crusaders edge Rebels. Where the nation learns what the heck a Jasper is. It' where you have to look out for Chippewas, Catamounts and Utes, oh my! A time when you can feel the thrill of picking a big time upset and the agony of losing one of your Final Four teams in a manner of seconds. Where Bulldogs and Wildcats are everywhere, or so it seems. It's a time for playing, "hey whatever happened to......Tyson Wheeler, Peter Santangelo, Carmelo Travieso, Otis Hill, Danya Abrams, etcetera, etcetera. Oh and there's montages, oh boy are there montages, that make me feel oh so warm and fuzzy inside. It's a glorious, glorious thing. Enjoy the madness!

"Every kid with a hoop and a dream hopes, above all, to someday play, in the Final Four."*
-Jim Nantz

*- Of course the quote is no longer that accurate as every kid with hoop and a dream now hopes, above all, of making big bucks out of high school, and inking a shoe deal.

Congratulations to the following Syracuse players on their postseason hardware:
Hakim Warrick, Big East Player of the Year and First Team All Big East
Gerry Mcnamara-1st team All Big East
Craig Forth-Academic All-American
Josh Pace- Big East Sportsmanship Award, 3rd team All Big East

Did Uncle Jitter see his shadow and other not-so current events....

Well the title of my blog is referencing the fact that I have not been online in well over a fortnight and therefore everything in here is old news, which I believe, is an oxymoron. First off, Birthdays. Happy belated birthday to our Uncle Jitter over in Portu-goal! His birthday was February 2nd (otherwise known as groundhog's day) ! I believe he did see his shadow which means three more months of Jitter-less drinking. Dang-it! Also we had the annual celebration of William Herbert Shannon's entrance into this world. We went to Clark's and we laughed, like chums. I picked him up the Marv Levy book, Wherelse Would You Rather Be? and a two disc set of afterschool specials from the mid to late 70s (one featuring Kristy McNichol of Empty Nest fame) presented nicely in a mock Trapper Keeper, all for my good pal Billy-ball. We also clebrated the birthday of Bill's better half, Rage KJ at the Change of Pace , whilst watching the Orange lose to the turncoat Boston College Eagles.

In other not so new, news, the New England Patriots won their third Super Bowl in four years. A feat which is impressive in any era. But I just wanted to say that I don't think these Patriots teams would beat the old dynasties of say Pittsburgh or Dallas and I wish people would stop making comparisons. Now I am a Pats fan born and raised, and I have a tattered winter hat to prove it (it's actually older than some of the people I work with), but this year's victory was just not as exciting for me as the last couple. I mean I'm happy, they're my squad and all, but, without trying to sound snooty, it's just like business as usual. There's no mystery or excitement of the playoff hunt. They weren't underdogs. Plus I like the Eagles and McNabb. It was like, if they win, great, if not, no big deal I know what it feels like and I wouldn't mind seeing Philly getting over the hump. But now I can turn my focus to Men's College Basketball full-time. Now I don't know much of what's happening outside of the Big East, but here's what I think:

Nevada and Pacific are both ranked in the Top 25. And to me Pacific doesn't even sound like a real school. It sounds like one those schools, made-up for a sit-com or teen drama. I just hope they can get by Bayside and Valley in their conference tourney. As for Nevada, wee they're my favorite underdog team that doesn't play in Vermont. But mark my words the Catamounts and Wolf Pack could cause some major problems for their opponents in the tourney. With guys named Fazekas and Coppenrath, how could ya not?
Syracuse can't seem to beat any ranked opponents, which frustrates me. But I still feel they can reach the Elite Eight.
Call me crazy, but I don't think Illinois is not all that good. There. I said it.
No self-respecting Big East fan should cheer for BC in the tourney, but instead should cheer for Louisville and Cincinnati, a part of the 2005-06 revamped Bigger East.
I'm still undecided as to which conference is more overrated The Big Twelve or the ACC. But we all know the ACC is A-S-S! At that ain't know beat poetry JJ Reddick!
You're telling me with his grades, Screech couldn't of gone somewhere better than Cal? I mean Zack got into Yale for crying out loud.
ITT Tech won't make the field of 65, despite a good showing against NETTS (the New England Tractor Trailer Truck Driving School)
I will see random teams that I've never seen play before, perform well in their Conference Tournaments and pick them to pull off upsets in the actual tournaments. They will proceed to be blown out in the first round, quickly ending my chances of winning any of my tourney pools.
God I love March!! It's Madness!

Who's Wearing Old Spice?

And cue one of Toastie's riotous laughing fits at his favorite quote from the Man Who Knew Too Little. No, no, not me, it's a mooovie, with Bill Murray. One, which I recently bought on DVD and I happen to know Javen owns on VHS. Kids, VHS is how we watched movies before DVD! It's also the only way to buy Teen Wolf. Literally. I think anyways. What was I talking about? Oh, right, nothing in particular. Oh, I know DVDs. I've been buying them like crazy of late! Some of them are so cheap it's great! Over this past week I bought The Dream Team (which Danny owns on VHS) and Mr. Mom, as well. Micheal Keaton was a comedic genius, what happened? And did anyone, besides Bill probably, know his birth name is Micheal Douglas? He had to change it because the SAG (Screen Actors Guild for those not in the know) doesn't allow two of the same name or something like that? He picked the name Keaton because of Buster Keaton. And that concludes today's edition of Micheal Keaton trivia. Anyways, I'm sort of bummed because I can't seem to find Gung-Ho to complete the brilliant Micheal Keaton 80s gift pack. All three of these movies are just pure genius, I don't care what anyone says.

As you can see I have nothing to really talk about, but just felt like typing. But seriously, if anyone has any knowledge as to where and when I could pick up Gung-Ho on DVD, let me know ASAP! I mean besides Keaton, it's got George Wendt-Cheers'-Norm, The Donger from Sixteen Candles and some black guy who gets hit in the nether regions buy a lady's shopping cart, which leads to this exchange:
Lady: Oh, my eggs!
Black Guy: Your eggs?!

Guess you have to see it for yourself.
Alright, in the next issue we'll learn more about Steve Guttenburg

And remember, "trying is the first step on the path to failure."

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you.

I hate to say I told you so, but the Eagles and Patriots are in the Super Bowl, so I told you so! Oh sure, you might say, gee way to go out on a limb and pick the favorites. Well that's why they were favored, duh! Anyways, I had the pleasure of watching both Championship Games at Billy's with the Rage KJ and Toastie. And on this fateful Sunday it so happened that I drank the beer and the beer drank me. Allow me to elaborate. At halftime of the Eagles-Falcons game, Toastie and I headed to the local market, the local super-market, for some snacks and such. I said it then, and I'll say it again, "It's not a good idea to go to the supermarket drunk and hungry." With the only real things on our mental shopping list being a big bag of Peanut M&Ms and French Onion Dip (not to be combined together.) we were in trouble. It did not take long for Toastie and I to pick up the first thing, cookies. They were the bakery cookies (Chocolate Chip and M&M) and they were in plastic containers, 2 for $5, how could we go wrong, well, ask Bill, he'll tell ya. As we wandered aimlessly through the store trying to find the god forsaken candy aisle (which by the way is an odd name for an aisle in a store, I thought) we proceeded to Mc-Nabb (fancy play) the essentials: Snyder's Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Pieces, Cheddar and Sour Cream Potato Chips, Wavy Lays, a block of Cheese, Cheddar Triscuits, Townhouse Crackers, another kind of cracker, that may or may not have been Ritz, Snack Packs (which I left at Bill's, dang-it!), the French Onion Dip, of course, can't forget the M&Ms, and obviously the 2-foot long pepperoni stick (which Toastie sliced up beautifully, by the way.). Thirty-five dollars well spent, I say. That is until the next day when all these things really take effect. Anyway, we eat, drink beers, watch the Eagles game and break out a little 80s Trivia Game, which came to the Shannon-Russell house via the wonder that is Christmas! At this point everything's going along swimmingly. Then:

It seems that at some point between the last quarter of the Eagles game and the second quarter of the Patriots game I blew a gasket or something. There was some sort of brain malfunction, causing me to, for the rest of the evening, have no real idea what I was saying, at all. I think some of the beer may have hit my wire of reason and sensibility. This is a very important wire as it is what tries and keeps the BOW (Bitterness O' Willie) in check. So, believe me it works overtime. But on this night, it just shut down completely and it was like I had some sort of terets, RAT FARTS!, or something. Now, sure I'm bitter and to be honest, the alcoholism helps, but usually I have some reason (in my head anyways) for being bitter. The Eagles won, the Patriots were en route to their third Super Bowl in 4 years and I had beer and many cheese-flavored items, including the cheese-flavored "CHEEEEEEESE!" I should have been on Cloud 10! That's right even higher than Cloud 9. And as I told Bill yesterday, after apologizing of course, I got home and literally asked myself, "What the F**K was I talking about?!!!" You can also tell that this BOW explosion was unwarranted and over the top because I apologized for it!! I never do that because most of the time I think I'm in the right and making valid arguments (which actually happens maybe 30-35% of the time. that I'm right, that is.). But this time, I have no clue what happened.

So, that is how I spent my Sunday and I would once again like to apologize to Rage KJ, Billy-ball, The Toastmaster General (because he's not only the Toastmaster, but also a general), Madison, Charlie, Niner, the delicious Snack Packs whom I ignored and abandoned, my innards (which felt it the next day), my family, the City of Pittsburgh and God.

And Congratulations to the Eagles and the Patriots!!!

Wrecked 'em! Damn near killed 'em!!

PLAYOFFS?????!!!!!

That's right Jim Mora it's the NFL Playoffs, where your son will be coaching the Atlanta Falcons in Philadelphia! This week we find out who will go to the Super Bowl in Jacksonville. I'd like to take a quick moment to express my disappointment in the choice of Super Bowl city. I mean Jacksonville, really? I still think they should put Super Bowls out of doors in cold weather cities. Oh know it's too cold for the fans and entertainers. Oh, boo-hoo!! Suck it up, that's how football is supposed to be played!

Speaking of cold weather, that brings me to the AFC and NFC Championship Games on Sunday. I, for one, cannot wait! Both games are in outdoors, in cold weather climates, with slight chances of snow. Oh it's so glorious!!! I'll be so drunk and belligerent by the time the AFC game rolls around, it'll be great! So here's some notes on Championship Weekend:

This may or may not be the first time both Championship games have been in Pennsylvannia. And it may or may not be the first time they've been played in the same state. True statements.

The Patriots have never lost an AFC Championship game. (They did lose an AFL Championship game though)
Bill Belichik is 7-0 in the playoffs with the Patriots.

Mark my words, there will be an African-American quarterback in the Super Bowl!

How dominant would the Panthers have been if they had Rae Carruth?

The team with more points usually wins.

Now my predictions:
To pick the winners you just need to break it down scientifically by the cities:
Philly vs. Atlanta
Beer of choice: Yuengling-America's oldest Brewery vs. I dunno, moonshine run across the border by dem crazy Duke boys? Advantage: Eagles, by a hair.

Food: Philly Cheesesteaks vs. Grits??? Advantage: Eagles

Nicknames: The City of Brotherly Love (yeah right! they booed Santa for Pete's sake!) vs. Hotlanta. Advantage: Falcons

QBs commercials: Chunky Soup w/ Ms. McNabb vs. Nike and The Micheal Vick experience
Advantage: Push

So it's clear to see why the Eagles will win this game 23-10

Pittsburgh vs. New England
Beer: Iron City Beer vs. Samuel Adams. Advantage: Too close to call.

Foods: Heinz pickles, ketchups and other condiments on a Roethils-burger vs. New England Clam Chowdah! Advantage: Patriots (only because I've never had a Roethilsberger)

Stadium Name: Heinz Field (named for delicious condiments) vs. Gillette Stadium (named for the razor company who's World Headquarters are located in Massachusetts) Advantage: Steelers

Team Colors: Black and Yellow vs. Red, White and Blue. Advantage: Patriots

Super Bowl wins this century: Steelers-0, Patriots-2, Advantage: Patriots

So as you can see the Patriots will win this game 27-21.

Enjoy the games and remember these picks were made absolutely, positively, impartially!
Have a good weekend. So have a Bruschi at your favorite watering hole or at home and warm up with some Chunky Soup or New England Clam Chowder and enjoy the games!

Go Patriots and Eagles!!!
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away!

Sweet Odin's Raven!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! It's been awhile, but a lot of new shit has come to light my friends. It's a fresh new year of bitterness and I'm rarin' and ready to go for all you members of Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Nation. That is, if you consider 10 people a nation, okay six people. Wait, do I count? Anyways, moving on. A lot has happened over the past several weeks, some of it even in my life, so here is a quick recap to get every one caught up. Some of the names may have been changed to protect the innocent.

December 24, 2004:
My current employer Christmas Vacationed me and my Christmas bonus check, the same check that would be paying for me to go home, does not arrive on Thursday or Friday for that matter. Luckily, I have wonderful friends in life and was able to borrow some money and was able to make it home for X-Mas.

December 25, 2004 -Feliz Navidad! It was the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fuckin' Kaye.

It was on this day, the day we celebrate the birth of Santa Claus, being born in the North Pole, all the reindeer bringing gifts like gold, frankenstein, amd myrrh, (whatever that is? and however you may spell it?) that I received the gift that will keep on giving, to Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch Nation, all year round. I received a laptop, which will allow for at least three times as many blog entries for all my endearing fans. (Once I settle my dispute with Time Warner Cable. They seem to think I should pay for cable and internet every month. I mean the nerve of some people, right?!)

December 26, 2004- Kwanzaa, Boxing Day and Hijinx!
Jitter, Javen, MacGuyver Chuck, doorprizes, adult beverages, and of course ,...chicken wings at the Change of Pace ( the gift the keep's on giving all the next day long! Toastie you know!)

December 28, 2004- It's a Kwanzaa miracle!!
Our basketball team, The Change O' Pacers actually one a legit game!!! Don't not adjust your monitors it's true, it happened, I was there. And Toastie even made his first free throw of the season, giving us a five point lead with 2 seconds remaining. Uncle Jitter come and claim your chicken wing pizza! Oh yeah, and the best part of this story it was against my arch nemesis, Chadwick's !! Our own Josh Pace, Bill, will let you know why.

And then, just like that it was 2005!!!!!!!!!!

The Change O' Pacers need but to win against the Syracuse Firefighters in three weeks and we are in the PLAYOFFS???!!! This of course, is if the Firefighters don't win before that match-up!
I talked with our Small Guard (not big enough to be a small forward not a good enough shooter to be a shooting guard) Toastie, about the playoffs, here's what he had to offer:

"WE JUST GOTTA TAKE IT ONE GAME AT A TIME! WE'RE GONNA GIVE 110%! WE JUST GOTTA FOCUS ON OUR GAME AND NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT THE SFD'S DOIN!" (This is written in CAPS because he had to yell because of all the ruckus after our victory.

Anyways, now on to more pressing matters in Willie Moe's World... The NFL Playoffs! The Championship Games are almost upon us, and Peyton Manning now has plenty of time to check on his fantasy insurance adjusters league. This weekend I'll have my Roethils-burger smothered in turf, with a side of mud as the Patriots show him what's up. Too bad for the Steelers, Adam Viniatieri can make kicks. Unlike that overrated David Akers (never trust a left-footed kicker!) . That's right Phelps, it better not come down to Akers, because I ain't leaving the room when he kicks. I predict an Eagles-Patriots Super Bowl, though, despite David Akers! And for the Super Bowl I predict lots of beer drinking, eating and a lot of me and Phelps getting loud, bitter and animated!

And finally if you haven't seen Dodgeball or Anchorman, get on it!!!
OK, stay classy......Planet Earth!