SUNDAY MORNING AUDIBLES

Well, tis that time of year folks!

• Time for the Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb out of Philly speculations to hit us full force!
• For the Eagles to slowly fade out of the playoff picture, due to all the McNabb-Reid foofarah.
  
• For the Lions to decide who's future they are going to ruin by drafting them come April.
• For Jim Haslett to try and spruce up the old resume.
• For a primadonna, let's call him Chad, on a losing team to voice his opinions about upper management and being tired of losing, wanting to play somewhere else, and in no way trying to improve the team by playing better or motivating teammates.
• For Browns fans to start checking out the Indians offseason activity.
• For people to start wondering why there aren't more Thanksgiving movies? Or really any about the actual first Thanksgiving? I'm seeing Mel Gibson as Miles Standish? Just use the Braveheart/ Patriot template, but have their victory be supper with the natives. Either that or an action packed romp that will a-maize you! Jason Statham is....The Pilgrim. With Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Massasoit! Coming Fall of 2010!
• For Steelers fans to annoy the crap out of you. Well that one's actually all year round.
• For all the pundits to start comparing teams this season to those of last season. You know like, the Jets are looking a lot like last year's Giants, the Colts are looking a lot like last year's Giants, any team that struggled at the start of the season but is winning now is looking a lot like last year's Giants, and the Rams are looking a lot like last year's, well, Rams.
• For people to wonder why Wayne Fontes isn't coaching in the NFL?
• Or why Rod Marinelli is?
• Or why Marvin Lewis is?
• Or why Herm Edwards is?
• For Al Davis to give his army of the undead a few weeks off. Just kidding! He would never give them time off! There are souls to be harvested!
  
• For people to get extra mad that there's a Thanksgiving game they can't watch, cause the powers that be don't deem it necessary for everyone to get the NFL Network. Goddamit it's every American's God given right to watch the Eagles and Cardinals play! I'm pretty sure its one of the Amendments to the Constitution.
• For the Bills to give their fans that small glimmer of hope and once again miss the playoffs. Sorry Bills fans, no disrespect meant, but its true. But let me tell you this, its not your fault......its not your fault.........its not your fault.
• For America to fall in love with Peyton Manning all over again.
  
• For Chiefs fans to wonder when exactly their favorite squad is gonna start rebuilding.
• For Romeo Crennel to wonder if anyone would mind if he took the last peice of pumpkin pie?
• For us to watch 8700 Christmas movies that we've already watched 8700 times!
  
• For many to question the freshness of all those leftovers in the fridge? Just go by Tom Cable's motto, "if it ain't comletely green its clean!" Yes I know a lot of people are gonna say what about those left over peas and green beans, well the Cable Guy stands by his motto. I mean seriously does he look like I guy who's ordering the "mixed greens" as a side at dinner? Uh-uh. You are looking at slaw (extra mayo, and we don't mean Jerod) or baked bean man right there!
• Bills fans, its not your fault.
  
• For the Patriots to figure out what to get Coach Belichick for Christmas. Drew Bledsoe's still beating heart is high on the list, but by far the most tricky. They may just go with the old standby of a hooded sweatshirt with frayed sleeves. What? You thought that's how Belichick wants to dress? No, no, no. Those sideline outfits are gifts from the boys. Usually its Tedy Bruschi heading up the charge, but sometimes Forehead, I mean Vrabel, helps out. Double B just wears them for his team. Like when your dad wears that ugly light-up tie you got him for Father's Day, even though he hates it. Yeah, so think about that, the next time you make fun of BBs attire.
  
  
  
• For people to really latch onto those bandwagons! Let's say Arizona and, I dunno, Tennessee? Miami?
  
• For everyone to be bombarded with the media's, "Greatness of Favre" segments. Oh wait, that's another all year rounder.
• For Terrell Owens to blow up! Unfortuantely I don't mean in a literal sense, sorry. I mean in the sense that crazy will come shootin' out his mouth at an alarming rate.
  
• For Kerry Collins to break out his very special Egg Nog. Rumor has it he uses actual lighter fluid.
• Bills fans, I mean it! It is not your fault.
  
• For NFL Films to start getting those clever titles and narration ready to encapsulate the seasons of all 31 teams. You're probably wondering about the 31, huh? Well, this is breaking news that only we here at "Bitterness" have, but the Lions have actually seceded from the NFL. Okay, that's not true, but they do suck something awful. Its gonna be hard to put a shine on the Detroit Lions '08-'09 season. Lions Yearbook: If Losing Were Winning, They'd Be Pretty Great! or Lions: Lose or Die Trying! I'm sure they'll come up with something great! Somehow I don't think "The Roar and More" is gonna cut it.
  
  
  
• For Christmas Berman, see what I did there, to go out and stock up on more ugly suit jackets on sale! Maybe he'll see Craig Sager?
• And of course, for everyone to wonder just how dominant the Panthers would be if they still had Rae Carruth?
  

FRRIDAY NIGHT BYTES: TIME FOR A GOOD SPANKING

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

WEEK THIRTEEN: KITNA CASSEROLE

SEAHAWKS @ COWBOYS: Looks like turkey won't be the only bird the 'Boys will be feasting upon on Thursday. They'll get a fresh plate of Seahawk for an early dinner. Cowboys 31-16


TITANS @ LIONS: Rest assured the Titans will be looking to "squash" the winless Lions on Thursday, especially after having their turkey cooked by the Jets on Sunday. Now, barring some sort of Thanksgiving Day miracle, the Titans will have their way. Titans 27-13


49ERS @ BILLS: Nothing like a trip to Kansas City to right the ship for the Williams. And it don't get much harder this week as the Niners are in town, which should be gravy for the Buffalonians. Bills 31-21


RAVENS @ BENGALS: Probably not gonna be close enough for Matt Stover "Top stuffing" to make a difference in this one. Ravens 27- 17




DOLPHINS @ RAMS: The 'Phins will look to carve up that Rams defense with that carving knife they like to call the Wildcat. And I'm guessing they will. Dolphins 31-10


COLTS @ BROWNS: Its a Cleveland Brown Thanksgiving. With Derek Anderson as Linus. Unfortunately, unlike a nice little half-hour cartoon, there probably won't be a happy, sugary sweet, family friendly ending for the boys from Cleveland. Colts 31-20


PANTHERS @ PACKERS: Well, most people will be Delhomme for the holidays to enjoy this gritty rematch of the 1997 NFC Championship Game. But that was over a decade ago, so the faces have sure changed. Kerry Collins and Brett Favre have since faded into obscurity and are all but forgotten to football fans. Packers 35-27


RAIDERS @ CHIEFS: Is there a better Thanksgiving match-up than Raiders versus Chiefs? This match-up basically encapsulates the first Thanksgiving. Raiders, basically a synonym for pilgrims, coming into the land of the Chiefs, of some Native American tribes, and being cordial at first, then proceeding to, in fact "raid", their land and women. So based on history, I'm gonna have to go with America, and the Raiders 24-20




JAGUARS @ TEXANS: This could be a good, close game. Unfortunately in the grand scheme of things, it will be a fairly meaningless game. Both teams have spent the year underachievin' away. So, who will out-underachieve the other? I think it'll be the Jags. In the coin flip game of the week I'm taking the Texans 23-14.


BRONCOS @ JETS: The Jets are your current AFC "it" team and why wouldn't they be after being the first to bring down the Titans? I still think they're overrated. And did you know that teams that beat an undefeated team after week 9 only have a .213 winning percentage in the following game? No? Well, that's cause I made it up. But I could really use a stat like that to "squash" the Jets. I'd really like to say the Jets will get cocky and look like a bunch of turkeys against the Broncos, but, lets be honest, its the Broncos. Jets 34-23




FALCONS @ CHARGERS: The Falcons are flyin' high, but you know the Chargers are gonna be looking to mash Atlanta's potatoes come Sunday. Desperation is a stinky cologne indeed, but not stinky enough. Falcons 28-21


BEARS @ VIKINGS: Its Thanksgiving at the NFC North house. There's one last plate of turkey with all the fixins and three big fellas eying it! When the season end who's gonna be standing there laughing with their mouth full of sausage stuffing, spitting it every which way? I dunno? But for this game I like the Bears 24-20


SAINTS @ BUCCANEERS: Could be do or die time for Saints in this one, while the Bucs need to keep pace with the rest of the playoff contenders. That's all. Nothing witty to go along with this match-up. Really. I got nothing. Honest. I just didn't feel "it" with this one. I no, usually I'm a cornucopia of hijinx and hilarity, but not with this one. Don't really know why? Bucs 28-27


CARDINALS @ EAGLES: Bird day capped off with a bird match-up, how fitting? So McNabb some of that delicious leftover turkey Breaston, maybe some Bertrand "Cran-" Berry sauce, and settle in for a big NFC clash. Unless you are one of the 75% of the nation that doesn't have the NFL Network, of course. In that case, enjoy The Incredibles. Eagles 31-24


STEELERS @ PATRIOTS: A big one at "the Razor". Are the Steelers in for a heaping helping of some three-bean Cassel-role? The Cassel-role Kid has put up back-to-back 400 yard passing games. Or are the Pats gonna get gobbled up by the Steel Curtain? Mmmmm! This match-up is as tasty as some Limas Sweed "Potato Pie"! Pats 24-21




GIANTS @ REDSKINS: The A-"maize"-ing Jim Zorn "on the cob" may not give "Plymouth" Rock Cartwright a ton of touches in this one, but nevertheless it should be a good ol' knock down, drag 'em out affair in the nation's capital. It could all depend on if the Giant's own "Plymouth Rock", Brandon Jacobs is playing and at 100%. Redskins 17-14

GIVING THANKS

Yes it is that time of year again. A time to gather with family, possibly friends, over eat, over drink, oversleep and watch some football. Oh yeah and give thanks. So we thought we'd see what some NFLers are thankful for this holiday season.

Dolphins fans are thankful for Dan Marino's resurgence, "He's still the quarterback, right?"

Lane Kiffin: This year I am giving thanks to be out from under soul sucking Al Davis' claws! Although, for some reason I still sense his presence around me, like he's now a part of me or something. sometimes I think I can see what he's thinking. I think he may have some how made me into a horcrux. In fact there's a good chance neither of us can live while the other survives.

Eric Mangini: I'm thankful for deep dish pizza. I mean that New York style thin crust is total hogwash! That's not a pizza! That's like callin' a Steak'um a porterhouse for crying out loud! You can't inject cheese into that teenie tiny crust at all! What's that about?! No siree, for my money it doesn't get any better than a thick crusted, meat lovers pizza, with meat and cheese crammed into the crust. Deeeee-lish! Heck if I could get a crust so big, that a whole 'nother pizza could fit in it, I'd be a happy man.

DeAngelo Hall: I'm thankful that Dan Snyder has deep pockets and is a terrible judge of talent and character. I mean I thought the Raiders were whack. As long as you ever had talent, and can still wear a uniform, you can be a Redskin. Hear that Keyshawn?



Kurt Warner: Wow, well what am I not thankful for? I'm thankful for God, my loving family, nice friends, great job, wonderful teammates, my dog, three squares a day, my health, the desert, dry heat, all the charities I get to help with, muppets, sunsets, sunrises, the beach, animals, science and math, pixie stix, mozzarella stix, wrinkle free slacks, seedless grapes, Tom Hanks films, ice cream, Tony Shaloub, chicken salad, being able to choose between paper and plastic, the Harry Potter books, flowers, cool ranch Doritos, calcium, Luxembourg, and of course shirtless Gutenburg.



Matt Jones: I'm thankful for being a white male, professional football player, (sniff) aged 18-35. I mean if I was African-American (sniff) or in some other sport, (sniff) I'd probably be behind bars right now. (snort) Kinda makes ya think.


Tedy Bruschi: Of course I'm thankful for the media, for making me into some sort of "hero". I mean, let's be honest here folks, I have mediocre talent at best. But thanks to the media, I am revered, going to Pro Bowls, getting my value meals Super-Sized for free. And that was before I had the stroke. More like a stroke of genius. It wasn't even that bad! I got the media eating out of the palm of my hands. Its great, I can do no wrong! Haha!


Shannon Sharpe: I'm thankful for CBS. You don't need full phrases. Don't need insight. Show up. Wear fancy suits. Spit some words. Chuckle with the honkies. Cash big checks. Eat lobster. Easy as pie. Blam.




Andy Reid: I'm thankful that somehow everyone still thinks I'm a good coach. It makes me feel safe at night. I mean I clearly have no idea how to manage a clock, personnel, play-calling, my family, my checking account, my wardrobe, and well, I could go on for hours. I don't even know all the NFL's "rules", for pete sake! Oh and lasagna. I'm thankful for lasagna too. And not that vegetarian crap. Nuh-uh. I'm talking with the big juicy chunks of ground beef in all 23 layers. That's right 23 layers! Its an old Reid family recipe.


Peyton Manning: I have so much to be thankful for. Whether its all the stuff I can buy orall the places I can go with my Mastercard, or all the channels I can get with my DirectTV package, or being able to keep in touch with all my loved ones on my Sprint Phone.


JaMarcus Russell: I am so thankful for the Raiders organization. I don't even have to be good at my job, to earn that big paycheck every week. I absolutely suck at my job, but am still making more money than probably any of you will ever see. And you know what the best part is? The Raiders have no other options!



Ben Roethlisberger: I'm thankful for milk and Chunky soup. Milk's a no-brainer. It does a body good, helps keep my bones strong and wards off those ostrichypooroses thingies. No one wants to end up as supper for an ostrichy rose, and drinking milk keeps them away. I've been drinking milk all my life, and I've never seen one. The proof is in the pudding. Pudding made with delicious milk. Sometime I'll have a glass of milk with a big ol' bowl of Chunky Soup. Makes for a nutritious and wholesome lunch and dinner. Sometimes I'll even have a grilled cheese on the side, cause cheese and bread come from milk, so its still good. I don't grill the cheese myself, since I'm no longer allowed near objects that produce heat and or fire, since the accident.


Marvin Lewis: I'm thankful to still have a job. I lost interest quite some time ago, and am really just going through the motions. I don't even care anymore. As long as those checks keep coming in, I'm happy. Heck, I'm letting a guy named Ryan Fitzpatrick call most of the plays on offense, now. Sure, he went to Harvard, but come on!




Joey Porter: I'm thankful that there is an endless supply of mamby-pamby, Charmin soft, big brain, know nothing, hypocratic, cupcake, panty waists in this league. I always have a supply of material to keep me jawin' all year round. Damn, I gots enough to last me well into the next decade. In fact, their's enough whinin', no good, trash talkin', lightweight fancy boys, for J-Peezy to berate for several more decades.

WEEKEND WORDS OF WONDER

A whole 'nother kind of sports draft:

FRIDAY NIGHT BYTES: JACKOFF AND GOOD NIGHT!

WEEK 12: BRIDGE TO KITNABITHIA

49ERS @ COWBOYS: A classic NFC showdown.....in the early 80s. But these are not your daddy's Niners and Tom Rathman is not gonna come strolling through that door San Francisco. Now it's Romo's pinkie versus pants-less Singletary. As intimidating as a pants-less Singletary walking the sideline can be, my imaginary money is on the golden pinkie. Cowboys 24-13.

RAIDERS @ BRONCOS: The Raiders may play this one a little tighter than their week one match-up, but in the end the Raiders are still the Raiders, and that accounts for a lot. Or nothing? Depending on how you look at it, I guess. Broncos 31-13.

BENGALS @ STEELERS:
Steelers 21-10.

BUCCANEERS @ LIONS: The Lions were supposed to be "Tampa North", but that idea quickly went south, after about, oh, one quarter. Now the Lions are lucky to be called "Winnipeg South". CFL? Anyone? I know its not the same without rouges, but come on! Alright that was a lame joke. The Lions are lucky to be called "Ollie North"? No? Um, hows about the Lions are not good? Yeah? Eh, let's move on. Buccaneers 27-10.

BEARS @ RAMS: Lovie Smith's return to St. Louie. Should be a nice little homecoming for him, seeing as the Rams have been less than good for all but, let's say, three games. The Rams have lost four in a row, the last three by a score of 116-32. So much for Jim Haslett resurrecting the Rams. Bears 28-16.

REDSKINS @ SEAHAWKS: A word problem: The Seattle Seahawks are very bad and do not score many points. The Redskins are a solid playoff contender who do not give up many points. If the two meet what will the final score be? Mr. Hasselbeck? "We can do the math." So can we. Redskins 23-7.

BILLS @ CHIEFS: I don't really even know what to say to Bills fans. Maybe the Bills should not play on Monday nights? I mean if there's a team that has the "excruciating, heartbreaking, gut wrenching, bang your head against a wall, Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem, suicide inducing loss at home on Monday Night Football" down pat, it is the Bills. Well Bills fans, you got a nice afternoon game in Kansas City to help ease the pain. Bills 27-17.

TEXANS @ BROWNS: I think it pretty safe to reasonably say that Brady Quinn is Cleveland's savior. Give him the key to the city. Erect him a statue in the town square. Name a street or perhaps a boulevard after him. LeBron who? In fact, instead of Cleveland, why not rename it Brady Quinn, Ohio? The Brady Quinn Cavaliers? Has a nice ring to it. Maybe get playful, and have the Brady Quinn-diands? No? He's still unproven ya say? Um, well I beg to differ. If the media has taught me anything its that we don't need to wait for any sort of proof whatsoever to anoint someone the next great thing. Plus its pretty obvious that Brady Quinn is this year's Tony Romo. Right? Browns 27-21.

GIANTS @ CARDINALS: Kurt Warner Bowl? The last time the Giants were in the desert they were covered in confetti, galavanting, frolicking, showering each other with beer, champagne, and who knows what else. But in that game the Patriots were also on the road. This time around the Giants will have to face the tenants of that stadium, and be the favorites. I don't really know where I was going with that. Giants 31-27.

JETS @ TITANS: Look for another "classic" Favre game, one where he's a gunslinging that ball to and fro, all the livelong day. I'm thinking a line something like 16-33, 179 yards, 3 interceptionS and no TDs. But somehow, in Peter King's mind this will be a brilliant effort against a tough Titans "D". Only the great Brett Favre could possibly throw incompletions and picks with such gusto! Such panache! Such joie de vive! Titans 24-12.

COLTS @ CHARGERS: Should make for an interesting Sunday nighter between two underachievers. I'd be inclined to say that the Chargers "D" will pose a bigger threat than the Texans "D", but these days I'm not so sure. Chargers 23-21.

RAVENS @ EAGLES: You had best believe that the Ravens are mad as heck after the Giants ran all over them last week. Plus the Eagles will be less prepared, since the first half of the week was like story time, with Andy Reid reading his team the NFL rule book. Other rules the Eagles were unaware of: you do not have to run the ball into a wall of defenders three straight times when on the goal line. For every fifty yard plus field goal your kicker makes he is to be awarded a comely lass of virtue true. And you actually never, under any circumstance, should throw the ball to Todd Pinkston. Could've been helpful years ago. 17-17 tie.

PACKERS @ SAINTS: Packers. Saints. Green and yellow. Black and gold. Rodgers. Brees. Football. Playoff hopes. New Orleans. Superdome. Mixed drinks. Katrina references. Rowdy fans. Cajun food. Beads. The fluer-de-lis. Inane Kornheiser remarks. Are you ready for some football? Packers 31-28.

PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS: We'll let Joey Porter field this one- "Yeah, yeah, it's me J-Peezy here to let you know that J-Peezy don't forget nothing. J-Peezy has list of grudges longer than my Mr. Goodbar, which is pretty dag-gone long, see. Right now that sad sack, boring as crap, fashionally challenged, monotony speaking, brainiac bookworm Bill Belichik is up near the top of J-Peezy's grudge list! I took it to him up in his house, but I ain't done witchoo yet Billy boy, oh no, you about to feel the pain once again! You won't even know what hitcha! It'll be like you're expecting hummus and BOOM! here comes the Taboule!" Well, I think that about says it all. Patriots 21-17.

PANTHERS @ FALCONS: Big game in the NFC South, heck in the whole NFC. Panthers are probably the quietest 8-2 team ever (our people are forwarding that as we speak). Jake Delhomme's mediocrity has been masked in recent weeks by a solid defense, and a dominant running game. The Panthers won the first meeting up in Charlotte, fairly handily, so Matty Ice and the "Dirty Birds" is gonna have to strap on their big boy pants. They're about to be involved in an angry cock fight and are gonna need to keep their heads on a swivel! Falcons 17-16.

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. VINTAGE FAVRE?: Is anyone in the media ever going to admit that Favre is no longer God's gift to football? Its like he throws an interception, and the media's all, "Only Brett Favre could have the savvy to make that throw." If Brett Favre was ever thinking of killing someone, now would be the time.

14. BEARS: Surprisingly, this was Lovie Smith first loss as a head coach at Lambeau. But, oh what a loss it was. What happened to that super duper Bears defense, eh?

13. THE COLTS BEING BACK: No doubt the Colts offense looked impressive on Sunday. But the Bob Sanders-less defense looked, well, unimpressive. And let us not forget it was against the Texans. Yes that same, mighty, Texan defense that held the Ravens to 41 points last week. That very same, feisty, Texan squad that had lost back-to-back games, and came in with that very deceiving 3-6 record. Yes, that Texan team, folks.

12. ROMO'S FINGER: Romo's magical finger amazingly guides the 'Boys over the 'Skins? Yeah, right. Funny, I don't recall seeing Romo playing defense, did you? There's a slight chance they would have been in this game even with Brooks Bollinger under center.

11. RAVENS IMPENETRABLE RUN DEFENSE: The Giants quickly dismissed this notion, but Trevor Pryce was more than happy to explain, "The way it happened was a fluke." Thanks Trevor, I guess that sums it up.

10. NFC NORTH: The Bears were the "class" of the division, until they got trounced by the Packers on Sunday. It seems like no one wants to win this division. One week the Bears are the team to beat and the Vikings were on the rise. Next week the Packers are the team to beat and the Vikes are back down. The only safe bet in the division is that the Lions are not the team to beat.

9. JETS "PREVENT"?: I'm only talking about the last Patriots drive here, but when Matt Cassel puts up four hunny on ya, chances are you weren't playing too tight in the secondary. But on the Patriots last drive, the Jets let the Pats easily march right down the field. But then, THEN, after dry humping randy Moss up and down the field all night, they lay off him. Huh? Well, not surprisingly, Moss caught the game tying touchdown on that very play. The Jets ended up winning, but had they lost that coin toss in overtime, who knows?

8. KYLE ORTON: Orton was a mere 13-26 for 133 yards completing just two passes to a wide receiver. Suddenly Orton is not looking like the Bears savior at QB, now is he?

7. NFC WEST TEAMS NOT RHYMING WITH FARDINALS: Sure the Niners won this week, but it was against the Rams, and in Donovan McNabb's mind, someone had to win that game. Although if there would have been the perfect place for a tie it would've been in that one. Anyways, it looks like the NFC West could manage to get three of the first ten draft picks come Spring.

6. TIES: I'm not talking about changing the rules here, I'm talking about ties in general. I mean, come on, everyone knows a tie is like kissing your sister.

5. DAVID GARRARD: Another lackluster showing for the Jaguars and Garrard was the lacklusterest. Yeah, I said it and no, it is not a real word. And?

4. RAIDERS: I think this is pretty self explanatory here. So why don't ya go ahead and make your own Raiders "diss", as the kids say.

3. LIONS: We'll have to get Stat Man John to figure out the probability of the Lions winning a game this season. I'd be willing to wager it's not a high probability and yes I realize they do have the one and only Duante Culpepper, now.

2. MCNABB'S KNOWLEDGE OF THE RULES: This has certainly been beaten into the ground, but how can a professional football player not know that the game can end in a tie? But it wasn't just McNabb who was unaware of the quirky "tie" thing. DeSean Jackson and Correll Buckhalter were also baffled, as was Andy Reid, who had this to say, "I've never been in a tie, so I don't know how it works in the standings?" At what point do people start wondering how in the hell Andy Reid even got to a Super Bowl?

1. RAMS: Jim Haslett said it all in his postgame words, "I'm perplexed." Well, I guess that could be taken in regards to many things. I don't know what's so perplexing, really. Your team sucks at football and you suck at coaching football. See? Simple.

ROUNDOFFS: POTENT POTABLES

What's got Marvin Lewis so darned giddy? Why Roundoffs of course! Cause this week we are going all quotes. We are a huge fan of quotes and hope you are as well. So enjoy. Oh and remember these quotes are 100% real.

• "Is it going to feel good when you walk through that door? Absolutely."- Mike McCarthy on his love of entering new rooms.
• "They would be starting if they were good"- Jaguars quarterback David Garrard, who was a backup for his first four seasons.
• "We stunk it up"- Kyle Orton, on Sunday in Wisconsin.
• "I've never been in a tie, so I don't know how this works."- Eagles Head Coach after the Eagles tied the Bengals. Well, Andy, the game ends and neither team has more points. Its better than a loss, but worse than a win.
• "We want to a win a game"- Tyler Thigpen in a statement that, we think, should reassure everyone in Kansas City.
  
• "Terrible"- Bengal quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick on ties, or perhaps the entire Bengals season.
• "Tough outcome"- Vikings Head Coach Brad Childress after being asked what he thought about Kenny Chesney winning the Country Music Award for Best Entertainer for the fourth time in five years,
• "I was so mad"- Saints quarterback Drew Brees on only throwing for 266 yards.
  
• "You can't have an offense that doesn't score points."- Raiders running back Justin Fargas. To which we reply, "Go on."
  
• "That was incorrect to have killed it at the point."- referee Scott Green in reference to the original government bailout plan.
• "You know, its fun."- Cardinals Quarterback Kurt Warner on doing Mad Libs with his offensive line before games.
• "This is good for us."- Raiders Head Coach Tom Cable when asked about the plethora of fruit and veggie trays laid out for his squad after the game.
  
• "You don't know what a champion is."- Raven Linebacker Ray Lewis to whoever will listen.
  
• "We need his legs."- Jon Gruden on possibly letting Jeff Garcia go at some point. Apparently "Chuckie" can let Garcia go, but Jeff will have a hard time taking his sweet gams with him.
  
• "Man, I'm tired."- Colts running back Joseph Addai.
  
• "Have we failed? Yes. Have I failed? Yes."- Lions Head Coach Rod Marinelli as his alter ego, Captain Obvious.
• "We dug ourselves a hole."-New England Head Coach Bill Belichik on what he and his team did before the big Jets game to stay loose.
• "I never even knew it was in the rule book."- Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb on ties. God's honest truth!
• "I felt like the most awkward individual"- Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo when seeing Jerry Jones gave him an erection.
• "You know, we haven't made the climb"- Redskins Head Coach Jim Zorn whe asked about his promise to take Jason Campbell up Mount Washington.
• "I'm kind of perplexed by it."- Rams Head Coach Jim Haslett in reference to Rosie O'Donnell getting another show.
• "Don't be surprised when things like that happen."- 49ers quarterback Shaun Hill when asked about Mike Singletary dropping his pants at unorthodox times.
  
• "That was nice today."- an over ecstatic Colts quarterback Peyton Manning after an exciting win against the Texans. The man's a human ball of energy.

And that concludes another action packed edition of Roundoffs!

WEEKEND WORDS OF WONDER

Our newest segment here at "Bitterness" is our Weekend Words of Wisdom. Enjoy!

PICTURE PAGES

Picture Pages, Picture Pages, now its time for Picture Pages!



Wait. Whaddya mean I'm the Head Coach?




Huh? DeAngelo Hall? Really? Well that's just great. What, Deion Sanders wasn't available?


Does art imitate life or does life imitate art? That is a thinker. Man I wish we still had that Harvard kid Fitzpatrick. Maybe he could figure it out.




Matt Millen: Joey, you mean the world to me. But they say if you love someone you have to let them go. If its true love, you'll come back to me.

Joey Harrington: Um, Mr.Millen, I really gotta get loosened up for the game.

Matt Millen: I know ya do beautiful. I know ya do. Bring it in for the real thing.


Keep those knees high fellas! And on to the big finish!

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. DEANGELO HALL: I'll take "Overrated Football Players" for $800 Alex.
This cornerback, known for talking "smack", could not cover the broad side of a barn. (Bing) Who is DeAngelo Hall? That is correct, please select the next answer.

14. NFL QUARTERBACKS: Of the 32 quarterbacks who started on opening day, 16 have appeared on the injured list. Two, have since lost their starting jobs. Plus one, Marc Bulger, lost his job for a week. Surprisingly, and annoyingly for Raiders fans, JaMarcus Russell is not one of those quarterbacks to miss time this season.

13. KEYSHAWN JOHNSON'S NEW SHOW: Get the TiVo ready, apparently Keyshawn is going to "tackle" interior design. Why wouldn't he? What's next? A cooking show with Deion Sanders? Gardening with Shannon Sharpe? We can only hope.

12. CINCY BIG WIGS: Can someone please check the pulse of the Bengals front office? I mean are actual people in those offices? Or is just a bunch of chain smoking chimps? And Cincy fans thought they were sitting pretty once all of Jon Kitna's wisdom was implanted in Carson Palmer's cranium. Looks like, not so much.

11. BRONCOS DEFENSE: It's called tackling drills! Look into it.

10. TEXANS: You lose 41-13 to the Raidesr, you get a spot in the "Faygo Futile Fifteen". All of a sudden the up and coming Texans have been disappointing. Kub eat now?

9. JAKE DELHOMME: Jake, Jake, Jake, not gonna beat a lot of teams with a QB Rating of 12. Although, interesting that without DeAngelo Hall, the Raiders defense holds the opposing quarterback to a miniscule rating. Hmm?

8. RAIDERS: I'm all for giving people a chance, but at some point the Raiders have to start looking for another quarterback. I mean they cut DeAngelo Hall, right? If they are gonna continue with Russell leading the way it'll be more like the "silver and bleak" than the "silver and black."

7. LARRY JOHNSON: I know Larry, apparently spitting on women is a crime, who knew?

6. CHIEFS: They just keep on inching closer and closer to that second victory. Maybe Herm Edwards just likes high draft picks?

5. AL DAVIS: Big Al is still dispensing crazy faster than any other owner in the NFL.

4. SEAHAWKS: Well, good news for Jim Mora, Jr., if this is how Mike Holmgren is gonna leave the Seahawks, expectations will be pretty low for "Playoffs!" Junior next season. Might wanna look for a solid backup QB in the offseason if everyone keeps hasslin' the beck.

3. JIM HASLETT'S 360 DEGREE TURN: It was fun while it lasted wasn't it? After that fast start, the Rams have returned their abysmal, pitiful, downright awful form. All those two wins did was hurt their draft position. They may have to pick as low as seven, come April. Yikes!

2. RAMS: See above.

1. LIONS: Duante Culpepper? Really? Matt Millen could've made that move. What, Kordell Stewart was unavailable?

WEEK ELEVEN: KITNA'S LABYRINTH

JETS @ PATRIOTS: Bottom line, if Broadway Brett and the Jets wanna be taken seriously they're gonna have to win this one. But even below that line, is the fact they won't. Pats 24-20.

BRONCOS @ FALCONS: A good old fashioned Super Bowl XXXIII rematch. The Broncos can't seem to stop much of anyone these days. Couple that with the "coolness" of Matty Ice and all signs point to a Falcon victory. Falcons 31-23.

RAIDERS @ DOLPHINS: A battle between two of my three most hated NFL franchises. The Cowboys are the other for those of you scoring at home. Quite honestly, I can't find anything that would warrant picking the Raiders to win this, or pretty much any, game. Under the "Cable Guy" the Raiders are 1-4. In those five games thay have been outscored 117-35. An average score of about 23-7. Lose the anomaly that was the win against the Jets and they have lost by a combined score of 104-19 or an average loss of almost 21-4. So we're going with the 'Phins 24-6.

RAVENS @ GIANTS: Another Super Bowl rematch on Sunday's docket. This should have a decidedly different outcome than Super Bowl XXXV. Look for this one to get down right dirty. I can't say for a fact that Terrell Suggs has put a bounty on Plaxico Burress, but if there were any Giant to put one one, it would have to be Plax right? Right? Giants 23-16.

TEXANS @ COLTS: Texans-Colts round 2! Don't pay for the whole seat, cause you'll only need the edge! If it weren't for Sage Rosenfels almost literally handing the Colts a win, then, well, the Texans would have won. What? Its true. You were maybe expecting something witty and or profound? Colts 31-24.

TITANS @ JAGUARS: It took a game against the Lions for the Jags to get an easy win. Other than that Lions game the average margin of victory was less than five. So we figure its safe to assume that the Jags and their fans are headed for another agonizing defeat. Titans 21-17.

BEARS @ PACKERS: First meeting of the year between these two bitter division rivals taking place on the not quite frozen tundra of Lambeau Field. Also the first time the Bears have ever faced Aaron Rodgers. What does that mean? Nothing really, just a fact is all. The Packers have lost two in a row to pretty solid defenses and it don't get much solider than the Bears defense. And I'm sure da Bears would lovie to make A-Rodg eat turf all afternoon and put the Pack two back in the NFC North. Bears 23-18.

EAGLES @ BENGALS: For the first time in awhile the Bengals are coming off a win. In fact, they haven't lost in two weeks, thanks to a bye. Just the Bengals luck, when they win and try and build some momentum they get a bye week. And then the Eagles! Eagles 27-13.

SAINTS @ CHIEFS: Tyler Thigpen, competent NFL quarterback? Really? And the Chiefs have been getting ever so close to winning their second game of the year. Which is why I'm making this my utterly stupid upset of the week. Chiefs 31-28.

LIONS @ PANTHERS: Let's see the Panthers are 7-2, sitting atop the NFC South. The Lions are, well, the Lions. In this jungle cat battle, its the Panthers 28-13.

VIKINGS @ BUCCANEERS: The Vikes got a much needed win against the Packers last week, and doesn't get any easier this week. The Bucs are currently tied with two other teams for the two NFC Wild Card spots. The Vikes are a game back of that logjam, making this yet another big game for the Minnesotans. I, for one, am not sold on the Vikes as a playoff team. Bucs 28-23.

RAMS @ NINERS: Ah, the "Who Gives a Crap?" Bowl. Seriously is there a more meaningless game this week? That was a rhetorical question. I mean really, both teams shouldn't even be trying to win, it'll only hurt their draft position. Um Niners 27-20.

CARDINALS @ SEAHAWKS: I will go out on a limb and make the Cardinals my lock of the week! If you need an explanation, you obviously haven't watched football lately. Cards 31-17.

CHARGERS @ STEELERS: The Chargers head east, which thus far this season, has not been good for those west coasters. If you were to buy into that theory you'd pick the Steelers. Now while I don't think the west to east thing will be a factor, I will take the Steelers 28-21.

REDSKINS @ COWBOYS: Gotta think the 'Boys need this one if they wanna stay in the playoff hunt. Well Jimmy "Crack" Zorn and I don't care! 'Skins 27-23.

BROWNS @ BILLS: Ah, the battle of teams named after a person. The Bills need to turn things around in this one, if they want to remain a playoff contender in the AFC. And I think they will rise to the occasion and befuddle the "Medicine Woman". Bills 27-17.

FACTOIDS FROM THE ELECTION THAT MAY NOT MEAN ANYTHING

Hello, Stat Man John, never to be called John the Stat Man, here. Last Tuesday an historic election took place in these good old United States of America. But we are not here to talk politics. You see, naturally after such a historic event, many people came up to "The Stat Man" asking, "What does this election mean for me, John Q. Football Fan?" So of course "The Stat Man" was more than happy to oblige. Here's what I uncovered.

• Of the XLII Super Bowls, 14 were played with a Democratic president in office.
• In the inauguration years the AFC and NFC have both won five Super Bowls.
• In those 14 Democratic Super Bowls, the NFC won nine, for a .642 winning percentage. While over half, not overly dominating. However...
• In the last Democratic run in the Oval Office, the NFC went 6-2, with Denver being the only AFC team to win during the Clinton administration.
• Under Jimmy Carter, the AFC won three of four Super Bowls, and before that the NFC won both Super Bowls under the Democratic chief.
  
• Under Lyndon Johnson Super Bowls I and II were taken by the Packers, then the Republicans took over....
• Under Richard Milhouse Nixon the AFC won four of five Super Bowls.
• Under Gerald Ford the AFC was 4-0 in Super Bowls .
• Carter took office and the AFC won three of four.
  
• Then under Ronald Reagan the NFC won six of eight Super Bowls.
• Under Bush, Sr, the NFC went 4-0.
• Then, as mentioned under Clinton, the NFC took six of eight.
  
• Under "Dubya" the AFC won six of eight.
• Meaning the odds are good that one of the conferences will dominate the Obama administration and more likely than not it will be the NFC, but then again...
  
• When the White House changes over to the other party, the AFC has won four of five Super Bowls. Bad news for fans of NFC teams, but...
• If there were any NFC team that could win the Super Bowl, odds are on either the Cowboys or the Packers.
• The Cowboys have won four Super Bowls, all under Democratic presidents. In fact they are 4-1 with a Democrat in the White House, while they were 0-2 with a Republican sitting at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
  
• Meanwhile the Packers have been to four Super Bowls, winning 3, all with a Democrat in office.
  
• As mentioned earlier, the NFC has won nine of the 14 Super Bowls under a Democratic president. The Packers and Cowboys have combined to win seven of those nine.
• But it gets worse for Giants fans. The Giants have never been to a Super Bowl with a Democrat in office, annnnnnddddd......
• The Giants had the distinct privilege of playing in both the first and last Super Bowls of the Bush administration, in fact....
• The G-Men have only played in Super Bowls with a Bush in office, if you count the one they won while George, Sr. was Reagan's Vice President. And how about this...
  
• Although not related to the presidency, the Giants have only won Super Bowls when New York has had a Democratic Governor. The one Super Bowl the Giants played under a Republican New York Governor, they were trounced by the Ravens. Something to think about when Giants fans vote for the next governor. Right now, the governor of New York is a Democrat.
• As far as using the governors as a guide, teams who play in a state with a Republican governor under a Democratic president are 7-7 in Super Bowls.
• Teams who play in a state with Democratic governor under a Democratic President are 6-6.
• In 14 Super Bowls under a Democratic president, the Super Bowl winner has come from a state with a Democratic governor only six times.
  
• In three of those victories, the loser was also from a state with a Democratic governor. Which of course means, in those three games, a team from a state with a Democratic governor had to win.
• Now if the AFC is to win, the odds are in favor of that team coming out of the AFC West. That's right, the AFC West. In the 14 Super Bowls under a Democratic regime, the AFC has been represented by the AFC West seven, count 'em, seven times.
  
• Of course the AFC West teams have only managed a 3-4 record in those 7 appearances, and the Broncos have two of those three wins. So watch out for the Chargers and Broncos.
  
• But the Titans seem to be the AFC favorite at the moment. The Titans have only appeared in one Super Bowl, but it was under a Democrat, plus...
• While the Giants played in the first and last Super Bowls of the "Dubya" administration, if the Titans were to get to the Super Bowl, they will have played in the last Super Bowl of the last Democrat administration and the first Super Bowl of the new Democrat administration.
• Now the Patriots have been to six Super Bowls, but only one under a Democrat, and they lost that one.
• The Colts franchise has been to three Super Bowls, not one under a Democratic president.
• If there's one franchise that should be more or less unphased by the election it is the Steelers. Pittsburgh has been to six Super Bowls, but three have been with a Republican president, of course meaning the other three have been with a Democrat.
• Of course the only Super Bowl the Steelers lost was under a Democratic president.
  
• And finally, under a Democrat, teams in the eastern third of the United States are 4-4 in Super Bowls. The western third is 2-5 and the middle third of the U.S. is 8-5. Meaning "real" America has the best chance of going to and winning the Super Bowl.
  

So, all in all, nothing that conclusive can be drawn from this information, except that the odds of the Giants winning, or even going to the Super Bowl are not great. And odds are that either the NFC or AFC will win at least 75% of the Super Bowls while Obama is in office. But if you were to pick a Super Bowl from all this information, I'd say either Pittsburgh, Tennessee or San Diego versus Dallas, Green Bay, or Chicago. But, based on these stats, if we were to have to pick, based on Obama's election is San Diego vs. Dallas, with the Chargers winning.

"YEAH I COULD SEE MARINATING A CHICKEN IN THAT."

So recently we put some feelers out into the blogosphere, in our quest to make Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch a household name. Or at a least a guest household name. Now sure we are the currently the 475th ranked sports blog going according to BallHype, but we wanna shoot for the stars! Anyway, one of the blogs we contacted was none other than Kissing Suzy Kolber. And Josh Zerkle, aka Monday Morning Punter, was gracious enough to have me on his podcast, Blowing Smoke. Now be warned, this is, at times, a bit more "adult" than our usual "Bitterness" fare, and is that way from the get-go. So if you are going to give it a listen, and you are at work, or around small children, or in church, use your headphones. Now it is an hour long podcast, but my "segment" is around 20 minutes or so in and is over by about the 30 minute mark. So if you've got the time, give it a listen.

WEEK TEN: KITNA AND THE BANDIT

BRONCOS @ BROWNS: Its here! Its finally here! Brady Quinn is starting! Brady Quinn is starting! I'm not really that excited about it. Unfortunately, against the Broncos defense, the "Medicine Woman" has pretty good chance of looking competent and actually being successful. Drat. But people let's remember that the Broncos defense gives up big plays and lots of points, so if, tomorrow night, the "Medicine Woman" puts up a solid performance, let's not get ahead of ourselves and anoint him the next Bernie Kosar. That's all I'm saying. Broncos 21-17.

JAGUARS @ LIONS: After being without cable for the last eight months, I finally got this joint hooked up. My point? I now have the NFL Network, which means today I was able to watch a replay of Sunday's Bears-Lions game. Jackpot! If you ask me, that's worth the price of admission right there! Who likes extra Lions coverage and has two thumbs? This guy! No more Kitna? No more Cool Whip? Duante Culpepper? Egads! Jags 13-3.

TITANS @ BEARS: This game should be a good old battle of the slobberknockers, slobberknocking it out in the trenches. One group of slobberknocker's gonna out-slobberknocker the other group of slobberknocker's. Bottom line here? Go with the drinker. Titans 17-13.

BILLS @ PATRIOTS: "Sand" Cassel's gonna have to step it up against the Williams defense. With a three way tie atop the AFC East this is a big game for both squads. Should be a good game, and I'm gonna go with the home team on this one. Pats 15-13.

SAINTS @ FALCONS: Matty Ice has been settling into this whole NFL quarterback thing, pretty nicely. The Saints defense should provide little opposition towards his "settling", but
"D-Breezy" and the Saints can put some big numbers. Saints 31-27.

RAVENS @ TEXANS: Are any Texans worthy of drawing Terrell Suggs' ire? We think not. Ravens 24-23.

RAMS @ JETS: Bit of a setback for the Rams last week against the Cards, after they had seemingly, been turning things around. Meanwhile the Jets are as unpredictable as Andy Dick. Broadway Brett has been erratic, wild, and well, pretty much, his usual self. But is anyone having more fun out there? Jets 31-17.

SEAHAWKS @ DOLPHINS: Well, Joey Porter could call a Seahawk wide receiver "soft", but 1) he may not know the names of any of their receivers, and C) I don't think they'd argue. Dolphins 28-20.

PACKERS @ VIKINGS: The Vikings are actually favored in this one. Really? What is that based on? The Vikings' mediocre offense? Inconsistent defense? Abysmal special teams? Hmm? Hmmm? Packers 28-20.

PANTHERS @ RAIDERS: The D'angelo Hall experiment in Oakland has ended. Unfortunately for the Raiders the JaMarcus Russell experiment continues. Panthers 31-15.

CHIEFS @ CHARGERS: The Chiefs are not good. Last week, just when there was a glimmer of hope in Kansas City, the Chiefs blew a big, what most would consider insurmountable, lead against the Bucs. But don't worry Chargers, the Chiefs still have a whole bag of suck left for the rest of the season. Chargers 38-21.

COLTS @ STEELERS: Well I'll tell you this one is a humdinger. A real mystery, wrapped up inside a enigma, rolled in conundrum and deep fried. A real dilly of a pickle for sure. Yeah, I got nothing. Um, Steelers 17-16.

GIANTS @ EAGLES: Its as we get down to this portion of the picks that I start to tire.But I will press on. The Eagles should play this one tight, but will the fans still have their "edge" after that Phillies victory parade? Well, who knows, really? What I do know is the Giants are a well-balanced, efficient, winning machine right now. Giants 20-16.

49ERS @ CARDINALS: Right now the Cards seem to be better than every single team in their division. And Steve Breaston "Show" has really blossomed. This one should make for some good booth banter from Tony and the gang. Cardinals 34-14.

WHO'S SOFT?

Yes you read that title right and no it's not what you're thinking, so get your minds out of the gutter! You see, recently Miami Dolphins Linebacker "Motormouth" Joey Porter called Denver Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall soft. Marshall, after his monster 2 catch 27 yard day against the 'Phins, came back at Porter, calling him soft, talking about his popcorn muscles, and saying how his words didn't get in his head. So much in the vein of ESPN's Who's Now? we have decided to give you, what we feel you want, with Who's Soft? So let's dig like only we can to find out who is softer, Brandon Marshall or Joey Porter.


Where do you take your special lady friends for a romantic date?
Joey Porter: The Octagon, baby! Nothing more romantic than dudes ripping each other limb from limb in a cage. Stale, warm beer in hand, class all da way. Yous can tell a lot about a lady taking her a place like that. Gets 'em all ramped up, if you know what I'm sayin'?! Then we heads out to da club, where I take off my high priced shirt and show her how I can bust a move and whatnot.

Brandon Marshall: Back to my place, turn the lights down, light some candles, have the help whip up some pot roast, maybe a nice casserole, turn on a little Barry White or Chris Brown and let the magic happen. Possibly eat our creme broulee by the fireplace on my bearskin rugs.

What would be a good title for Joey Porter?
JP: "J-Peezy" President King of Toughitude

BM: Chatty McPopcorn Muscle

What would be a good title for Brandon Marshall?
JP: Two-ply, cause he's ultra soft!

BM: Handsome McSticky Fingers

What do you do the night before a game?
JP: I got little mini-house behind my mansion. Usually, night before a home game I go back there crank up some Lil Wayne and just start destroying everything up in that joint! I have my homey "Lunch Tray" go out and buy me some real nice furniture, you know ottomans and shit, to trash every so often. Sometimes I'll also have 'em get some sort of animal I can wrestle, like a pit bull or a bear or some shit. Keeps me honed and sharp. When I'm on the road, I like to go the local prison and wrestle some convicts in the yard. Either that or I have "Lunch Tray" go buy some furniture I can tear apart in some dark alley or sumpin'.

BM: I like to draw a bubble bath, and just sit in there for like an hour with a nice box of wine, light some loganberry scented candles do some word searches with my girl, little Miles Davis playing in the background. You know just unwind, relax, forget about it all.

What is your typical pregame meal?
JP: I like to have a thick juicy steak, bloody, 4 eggs, scrambled, with cheddar cheese, chocolate milk shake, a rack of ribs, couple bowls of cereal, four slices a French toast, a big ol' pile of mashed potatoes, green beans. You know, gotta keep it light.

BM: I like some fresh tossed salad with some raspberry vinaigrette on the side, some linguini caressed with margarine, steamed vegetables and some enriched waters.

What was the last movie you cried at?
JP: Nutty Professor 2. But yo, dat was only cuz I be laughin' so hard it made my eyes water! So don't go thinking "J-Peezy" some sort of mamby-pamby, pillow bitin', scrawny wide receiverin', Oprah watchin', salad eatin', nancyboy, cryer! Cause he ain't.

BM: Boy, that's a tough one. The last one, huh? I guess I'd have to say either the Notebook or Ernest Goes to Camp. I try and watch the Notebook once a week if the tear ducts can handle it. I mean Gosling is just phenomenal and the whole story is a piece of cinematic genius. When they're kissing in the rain, it just, just, gets me (sniff), it gets me every time, man.

If you were an animal what would it be?
JP: Probably be some sort of mish-mash of a pit bull, cougar, falcon, horse and dragon, to ackerately depict my nature and whatnot.

BM: Probably a majestic gazelle on account of my grace and speed.

So who is "softer"? Too close for us to call, we'll let you decide.

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. Oakland Raiders: At this point it's really hard to figure out how in the heck the Raiders won two games. I mean honestly, how is this possible?

14. Bill Belichik: Looked pretty foolish running onto the field to waste your team's last time out there Billy boy.

13. Jaguars: Hey you lose to a previously winless team this late in the season, you make the "Futile Fifteen"! What happened to that power running game? The Jags were one of those up and coming, teams of the future. They better figure out how to open up some holes to run through, and fast!

12. Mike Singletary's Pants: Hey if I were Mike Singletary I'd never wear pants.

11. Rex Grossman: Welcome back Rex! There are not a lot of QBs in this league that make fans miss Kyle Orton, but you are one of them.

10. David Thomas: Creator of the Spicy Chicken Sandwich or not, that was a bonehead play on Sunday night, pretty much costing your team a shot to tie a close game. Don't get me wrong, I am with you, they coddle everyone. I mean the best time to get an edge on your opponent is when they are least expecting it, am I right? And is there a time when they'd expect it less than after the whistle has blown? Maybe when shaking hands after the game. Yeah, you could get a good pop in there. But maybe for now just play by those "strict" rules of the NFL, preventing hitting after the whistle, I guess?

9. Al Davis: Raiders fans' only hope is that Al Davis gets fully encompassed by senility and fires himself. I, for one, cannot envision any other way for this franchise to turn itself around.

8. Oakland Raiders: I'm sorry, but they only mustered 77 yards of offense on Sunday. Seventy-seven! That warrants more than one spot in the "Futile Fifteen". That's the kind of number you give up playing against a computer controlled Raiders in Madden! And then you check the stats after your game and you say to yourself, "Man, how unrealistic is this video game, that I only gave up 77 yards of offense to the computer? That would never happen in the NFL." In fact, its probably even pretty rare in Madden. Unless you're on rookie level or something?

7. Denver Broncos: Now they don't earn a spot just for losing to Miami. The Dolphins are after all, at .500. No, it has to do with losing three in a row and four out of five. After a 3-0 start that had everyone thinking Jay Cutler and the Broncs were the cat's meow, they have gone 1-4. Our very own "Stat Man" John points out, the Broncos offense averaged 38 PPG during that 3-0 stretch, while averaging a meager 15 some odd points per game since. That's, not so good. Although, for what it's worth, they are still in first place in the AFC West.

6. Dallas Cowboys back-up quarterbacks: We're not generally prone to agree with or endorse Peter King, but he was right this week when he said the good teams are the one's prepared for the future. The Cowboys are clearly one of those teams who are not. I am not gonna get that down on Brad Johnson, who seemed like he might be serviceable, but he and Brooks Bollinger do not a scary threat make. Apparently its been 7 years since Dallas has drafted a quarterback. I mean sure, they probably thought Quincy Carter had another quality decade in him, but you still need a contingency. I mean look at Aaron Rodgers, Kevin Kolb, Matt Schaub, etc. These guys were not drafted to start right away, but were a decent backup plan. Cowboys QB coach, Jason Garret is supposed to be to developing quarterbacks what Shirtless Gutenburg is to providing quality entertainment. Why not draft a QB for him to develop? Too easy? Yeah, its probably better to focus efforts on signing malcontents, criminals and primadonnas. I mean young QBs you can mold are a dime a dozen, but a guy like "Pacman" Jones, who is prone to jail time, doesn't just come along every day.

5. Derek Anderson: Adios Derek! Its time for Brady Quinn "Medicine Woman" to take the reigns of this sinking ship. I like the Browns, but I'm rooting for BQ to flop (fingers crossed). He's just so much fun, and easy, to make fun of.

4. Larry Johnson: A picture says a thousand words!



3. NFC West teams that don't rhyme with Schmardinals: Yes these three teams are a combined 6-18, with only the Rams showing any signs of life. And even those brief flashes of hope for the Rams were pushed back down on Sunday in the form of a 34-13 drubbing at the hands of 'Zona. It'll be hard for the Cardinals to not make the playoffs, but if anyone defy the odds like that, it would be Arizona.

2. Lions: The Lions appear right on the cusp of winning a game, but they're still winless, and thus still "Futile Fifteen" material. Plus, no Kitna.

1. Oakland Raiders: And setting a new "Bitterness" record for appearances in a "Futile Fifteen" with three, the Oakland Raiders! (smattering of applause). Come on 77 yards?! They're lucky they didn't take up every spot in the "Futile Fifteen". "Stat Man" John provides us with this: Ten running backs rushed for more yards than the Raiders in Week 9. 18 receivers caught for more yards than the Raiders in Week 9. Abram Elam in one play, an interception return for a touchdown, amassed more yards than the Raiders in Week 9. Good grief! That's not so good, Al.