NEXT?

Of course you know, we here at "Bitterness" like to be on the cutting edge. We like to be "now" if you would. So when we saw that ESPN Magazine released its "Next" issue, not to be confused with its next issue, which will be the issue after its "Next" issue, which is the current issue, publlished before the next issue and after the previous issue. Got that? Anyway, if you're anything like me, you take all your cues from ESPN and all its subsidiaries, to tell you what is hip and happening. So we here at "Bitterness" decided to have our own "Next" issue. Of course it's not so much an issue, as post. But you get the idea. And away we go!

JeMarcus Russell without a doubt the next Todd Marinovich.










Vince Young has to be the next Ryan Leaf.

Rodney Harrison will be the next NFLer to be arrested.

Al Davis the next to be committed.










Brady Quinn with seasoning, the next Jon Kitna.

Brad Johnson the next to retire.

Terrell Suggs the next Joey Porter.










Joey Porter the next Sportsman of the Year.

Santonio Holmes quietly becoming the next Plaxico Burress.

Dwayne Bowe, quite possibly the next Michael Jackson.










No, not that one, the one who played for the Browns.

Chris Johnson could very well be the next Cleveland Gary.












Kevin Boss, undisputedly the next Marv Cook.

Robert Gallery assuredly the next Brian Bosworth. I know one played defense and the other offense, but I stand by my statement.

Jon Beason hopefully not the next John Offerdahl.










Matt Leinart the next Draft "gem" to fade into obscurity.

Joe Flacco the next Chunky Soup endorser.










Tyler Thigpen the next quarterback to lose his job.


Matt Ware the next....









leader of the free world?

ENTER STAT MAN

"Sometimes the world looks perfect, nothing to rearrange. Sometimes you just, get a feeling, like you need some kinda change."

Now I could go on and type out the whole theme song to the hit situational comedy Perfect Strangers, and it would be wonderful, but we're not gonna. "Why?" you ask. Well, because those two lines were for what we in the business like to call "setting the stage." You see we are gonna make a change of sorts here at "Bitterness". We here at "Bitterness" did in fact get that feeling like we needed some kind of change. Maybe its having to do with the move to Boston, but it seems like it was even more than a feeling. And while it would be super if this actually had to do with some long lost relative, from a strange unheard of island, having only very basic knowledge of the "wacky" U.S. of A., moving in with me, getting me mixed up in the zaniest of situations, alas, it does not. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Why would you change anything? 'Bitterness' is the cat's pajamas, the bees knees, and other phrases that make no sense but are, in essence, calling you 'awesomeness personified'! Do not deprive us of your wit, your intelligence, your constant pictures of Shirtless Gutenburg! It's bad enough we have no more new episodes of The Critic, Inside Schwartz or the Magic Johnson Show, don't take this away from us too!" To wit, I would reply, "People, people. Breathe. Deep breaths. In the words of Frankie, 'Relax'. Rest assured, we are still gonna give you the quality blogging you've grown to love and then some! Now that we have closed in on the double digit visits per day, we figured it was time to get a little help. So we are introducing our very first "Bitterness" correspondent, Stat Man John! Stat Man John will go where the rest of the "media" is afraid to go. And we're not talking about Rosie O'Donnell's dressing room neither! No, no. Statman John will go inside the numbers and give you obscure stats the "media" doesn't want you to know about! So without any more foofarah, we at "Bitterness" give you Stat Man John!"

Wow, thanks for that, elaborate, and mildly confusing, introduction. Well, as you already know, I am Stat Man John. If you want you can just call me "Stat Man". I have long been a friend of the "Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch" staff. Which as far as I can tell consists of a writer, editor and a Shirtless Steve Gutenburg picture. So when I was asked to be the official "statistician a go-go" for the site, I jumped at the opportunity. Especially since I know there's a 72.8% that this will be the next big thing in the "blogosphere" As we say in the biz, "I like dem odds!"

Well this week we are gonna take you inside the NFL standings. You see, whilst enjoying Don Banks' Snap Judgments, I cam across this little snippit, "the AFC East has to be the most improved division in football this season." With every team having at least 4 wins and a 5-2 record against the NFC. Now the "Stat Man" is a fan of Donnie Banks and feel he is usually right on the money. But this SJ had us shaking our noggin uttering a "hold on minute there professor. You have fallen into a statistcal bear trap here." You see just looking at a team's record is one of the "Stat Man's" pet peeves. Another is that crust that forms on the top of the squeeze mustard bottle nozzle. Its almost enough to make me go back to the jar! Anyway back to Mr. Banks' statement.

Now calling the AFC East the most improved division seems, at face value, like an opinion. But not if you are a stat man, like myself. Let's debunk the first thing Donnie throws out to back his thesis. "They are 5-2 against the NFC." Well, to be more clear they are 5-2 against the NFC West. The combined record of all four NFC West teams is 11-21. 11-21! That means, for those non-mathemeticians out there they've lost almost twice as much as they've won. Which means, just based on that statistic, that, in theory, most teams have about a 66.7% chance of being better than an NFC West team. Now of course that is absurdly simplistic, but can still illustrate the point. Now factor in the Cardinals who, at 5-3, are the lone NFC West team over the .500 mark. They are responsible for both of the losses the AFC East has incurred to the NFC West. So let's throw the Cardinals right out of the equation. The AFC East then becomes 4-0 against three teams with a combined record of 6-18. hardly somehting that could be an overriding factor in determining "goodness" or "improvement". But wait, there's more!

The AFC East also locks up with the AFC West! The AFC West has only one team at .500 and none over the .500 mark, midway through the season. Now it seems they have not been quite as futile as the NFC West, but their combined record is 10-22, which, believe it or not, is actually a game worse than the NFC West! The AFC East is 7-3 thus far against the AFC West. Which makes them 12-5 against the two worst (record wise anyway) divisions in football! 12-5 against teams that are a combined 21-43! Hardly something to wag a stick at! Now this is not to say there has not been improvement in the AFC East, but "improvement" is not so tangible as to be measured solely by record.

It's pretty apparent that the Dolphins are much improved, even outside of their won-loss record. As are the Jets. I mean record-wise the AFC East is vastly improved. The Jets have already won more games than last year, as have the Dolphins. The Bills, are only slightly improved overall. They were solid last year and if not for a couple of bad breaks, could have been, at least 9-7. This year the Billsies should win at least 3 more games than last season. Whereas the Patriots have already lost 3 more games than last year. But what you have to remember is the AFC East played the NFC East last year. The NFC East had 3 playoff teams and was widely considered to be the best division in football. The AFC East went a combined 5-11 against the NFC East, but remember four of those wins belonged to the Patriots, making the rest of the division 1-11 against the NFC East. So taking four very tough games last year, and replacing them with at the very least 6 very easy games this year is no way to fairly judge this division's improvement. Now as I will point out time and again, record is not the best way to determine how "good" a team is, but is merely a nice little guideline. So which division is the most improved?

Well it would be hard for the NFC East or AFC South to take that coveted title, as they are both coming off strong seasons. As we mentioned the AFC and NFC West are awful, no signs of life or improvement there. The AFC North is down from last year thanks to the Ohio duo. We mentioned the AFC East is improved, but maybe not the most improved. So it comes down to the NFC North or the NFC South. And after crunching the numbers, carrying the ones, its obvious to see that in fact the NFC South, not the AFC East is the most improved division in football!

Thanks "Stat Man" for that in depth analysis and welcome to the family! We look forward to what the "Stat Man" will unearth as time goes on.

GETTIN' HIGH WITH SANTONIO

This week on "Gettin' High with Santonio", Santonio Holmes talks with his friend, football.




Man, football, sometimes I feel like you're my only friend. I mean, you get me. You really get me. What's that football? Yeah, there are some great guys on this team, sure. But talk about a buncha goody two shoes! I mean I tried to get Ben high once and he was all like, "I just say no to drugs, man and so should you." Then he offered me some milk and some Chunky soup. It's like, we get it Ben, you have endorsements, give it a rest already. Huh? Yeah, football, I guess you're right, he means well. Damn crackah. What? Yeah maybe when I lash out at Ben or coach I'm really just lashing out at myself and my own need for validation. What's that football? Well I guess we all have our inner demons, sure. Uh-huh. Maybe I do toke to escape from pressures of being a player in the National Football League, but I mean Obama's probably gonna legalize marijuana anyway, so what's the big deal? Yeah I guess. Well sure, I mean who wouldn't wanna be in a Tyler Perry joint? Yeah, I guess you're right football. It's just everyone's always talkin', "why can't you fly right, be more like Hines?" They talk like his crap don't stink. Well believe you, me football, his crap stinks. I smelled it! It is downright nasty! I wouldn't wish that kinda stink on anyone! Well, maybe Terrell Suggs. I mean, honestly, Santonio Holmes ain't good enough to have a bounty on his head? Well, ain't he?! I know football, but it's the principle of the thing, ya know. Yeah football, you're right.

Coach Tomlin: DAMMIT! Santonio are you high again?!

Santonio: Oh great, it's coach. No coach, I ain't high again? You must be high for thinking that!

Coach Tomlin: Then why you talkin' to that football?

Santonio: Why you talkin' to me?!

Coach Tomlin: Dammit Holmes! I told you no more wacky tobacky at practice!

Santonio: Yo, I'm straight coach.

Coach Tomlin: Alright, well get in there Panama red, you're supposed to be in on this play.

Santonio: Be right there coach.

Alright football, I gotta get in there and do that thing I do. I'll see ya after practice. Hahaha! Hell's yeah football! You knows we gonna load up on Funnyuns!

On the next "Gettin' High With Santonio" Santonio and football talk to God.

WEEK NINE: KITNA EVERLASTING

Whooooooooo doggy! Are you ready for some football.....picks! Oh yes! Here we are once again, ready for another week of football and another week of NFL picks from yours truly. Seeing as tomorrow is Halloween, we're gonna go ahead and inject some good ol' holiday spirit into this week's picks! Please try and control your excitement. So away we go with this week's Halloween themed picks!

TEXANS @ VIKINGS: Ah yes a match-up of good costumes here. The Texans are on the move, as are the Vikings. Problem is one team is going one way and the other is going in a whole 'nother direction. Now sure the Vikes have won two out of three, but one of those wins was by two points over the Lions, which to me is a moral loss. Hey if their can be moral victories their can be moral losses I say! Meanwhile the Texans went from down and out to being one of 18 AFC teams who could make the playoffs! Scary, I know. Texans 31-28.

JAGUARS @ BENGALS: The jungle cat match-up of the week right here! At least this week the Bengals can pretend that all those boos they are hearing are just their fans staying in the Halloween spirit. Unless Ryan Fitzpatrick sold his soul to Beelzebub and has a "monster" week, I'm seeing a Jaguars win. Jags 18-6.

BUCCANEERS @ CHIEFS: Maybe if Tyler Thigpen goes as a competent quarterback for Sunday's costume ball the Chiefs have a chance. Let's just say the Bucs "D" is slightly scarier than the Jets'. I wouldn't be surprised to see the Bucs doing the "Monster Mash" on Tyler all afternoon. Bucs 26-9.

RAVENS @ BROWNS: The Browns have been more treat than trick as of late, winners of three of their last four. You think that'll spook Ray Lewis? Heck no! He'll be goblin up Browns like nobody's biz-ness! Ravens 14-12.

JETS @ BILLS: The Bills are haunted by losses in two out of their last three games, but that's no need to panic. Why? Cuz that Jets quarterback, what's his name, has been wearing his full on gunslinger costume this year, which means a spooktacular day for the Bills "D"! Bills 27-17.

CARDINALS @ RAMS: The Rams have risen from their early season grave and could find themselves just a game out of a playoff spot with a win this week! But, like many things, that's easier said than done. The Cardinals have really only been "out" of one game this season, witch is almost not zombie-lievable! Okay that was stretch. Rams 24-23.

FALCONS @ RAIDERS: No, Matt Ryan its not still Halloween, that's what Raiders fans look like all the time. In fact this may be the one time of year they get less weird looks. What, I said less! Falcons 34-13.

LIONS @ BEARS: Bears are good at ghoul-line stands, too bad they won't get a chance to demonstrate that this week against "Cool Whip" and the gang. Bears 27-9.

PACKERS @ TITANS: The Titans at Lambeau, sounds fun. Except this is in Tennessee. I'm not completely sold on the Packers, although they could very well make the playoffs (them and 25 other teams). Something tells me Aaron Rodgers and company are not ready for the "Graveyard Smash" the Titans are gonna bring. I don't know what that means exactly except that the Titans will remain undefeated. Titans 23-20.

DOLPHINS @ BRONCOS: Here's a couple teams that I wish would just go away! Seriously be really good or really bad, JUST MAKE UP YOUR FRICKIN' MINDS! Sorry, I got a little agitated there. This is my "Hate Match-up of the Week", cause I just hate both of these teams as much as I hate the term "Fun Size" they put on those teeeeeenie-tiny candy bars! What the heck is fun about a little-bitty candy bar? "Fun Size" my foot! A "Fun Size" Snickers bar should not be itty-bitty, it should be ginormous! A Zagnut the size of my foot, that's fun! Wait. Where was I? Oh yeah, Broncos 28-22.

COWBOYS @ GIANTS: Starring Kevin Gilbride as "the walrus". If I'm Wade Phillips I'm just flipping a coin before the game to see who starts at QB. I mean against that Giants front seven, will it really make that much of a difference? Will it? Giants 24-16.

EAGLES @ SEAHAWKS: Scary as it may seem, the Seahawks, who have been terrible, are still right in the thick of that bubbling cauldron we like to call the NFC West. However the Eagles are better than every single team in the NFC West and should have no problems dishin' out the candy, if you know what I mean?! And you probably don't. Who does? I dunno. Eagles 37-12.

PATRIOTS @ COLTS: Will this be a "trick"or a "treat" for NBC? Well, I'm guessing people will still watch, cause they don't know what to expect from either squad, and it could still be a close, not necessarily good, but close game. Pats 17-16.

STEELERS @ REDSKINS: Compared to the punishment "Big Ben" has been taking this season, that motorcycle accident a few years back probably seems like a tickle fight now! It won't get much easier here as "Candy" Zorn should have his Potatoskins ready to go, and the hits they'll be bringing won't be "Fun Size" at all! Steelers 7-6.

ROUNDOFFS: NOW USDA APPROVED

Put that Collector's Edition Mama's family DVD down! Its Roundoff time!

• Mike Singletary, Tecmo legend. Leg-end!
• What exactly is the record for consecutive days without the media talking about Brett Favre? Zero?
• Sorry Bills' fans, Warren Sapp said Buffalo is going to the Super Bowl.
• For my money, it doesn't get much better than the Cowboys relying on Brad Johnson. Oh wait, I stand corrected, they may soon be relying on Brooks Bollinger.
  
• And how's about "Cool Whip" bringing the Lions continuously closer to winning a football game, huh? But if the Lions win and no one sees it, does it really count?
• Bye, bye Ted Cottrell.
• Can we start calling the Redskins the "Children of the Zorn"?
• Check out this group of starting quarterbacks on Sunday: Matt Cassel, Seneca Wallace, JT O'Sullivan, Tyler Thigpen, Ryan Fitzpatrick.
• Ben Roethlisberger would probably serve the Steelers better if he were upright.
• I don't know about anyone else but I've got the Chiefs-Bengals Week 17 throwdown circled on my calendar.
  
• Staph infections; sexier than the bubonic plague?
• Me thinks Terrell Suggs took some Public Relations courses at Arizona State.
• Whatever happened to Lee Suggs?
• If the Bengals and Lions both finish winless, can they please meet at a neutral site during the Super Bowl bye week. Can't be worse than the Pro Bowl.
• Just can't get enough of that sweet Kerry Collins magic!
• Ryan Fitzpatrick may not win games, but with a face like this:
  

who cares? Actually he looks like certain 6'10 guy I know.

• Jim Zorn and Tom Coughlin in the Octagon. GO!
• Maybe the Lions should try some sort of promotion, like if you're at Ford Field when they actually win a game, you get to live with Kitna for a week! Or free tix to future game, whatever?

• Random former player of the week:

Oronde Gadsden

• Phrase you may never hear uttered by an announcer: There's some more of that Tyler Thigpen mojo! Or...
  
• Hines Ward and Terrell Suggs hugging it out! They actually went bowling together last night, after their Bible study group, and before frogurt.
• I will drink every night until the Lions win a game!
• So what if I drink every night already?
• I would say odds are very good that Bill Belichik is not dressing up as a fuzzy pink bunny for the Patriots Halloween party.
  

PICTURE PAGES

Picture pages, picture pages, now its time for Picture Pages!


Why wouldn't a guy named Tootoo be this graceful?!




Stick to the groin! STICK TO THE GROIN!


Oh, I just love Semin soooooooo much!


Frank Caliendo coaches the Blue Jackets?


Defensman: I'm telling you, you'll never be able to do one in your pads!

Goalie: I. Can. Do. A. Push-UP!


It's behind me, isn't it?


Did I or did I not tell you, if you made fun of his cat, he'd turn your scrotum into a punching bag?

Start on the left foot. That's it? Now, ballpoint, step, change. You're doing it!


HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT MY STICK!


I can't believe you've never heard of a purple nurple! Tee-hee!





Judooooooo JAB!


I was here first!

Good work honky!

Eeeeeeeh! Get it away, get it away!



*all pictures courtesy of Yahoo

FAYGO FUTILE FIFTEEN

15. Cowbells and Rayhawks: Those GD cowbells have got to go! First off its been done and secondofly Rays "fans" don't even know the proper times to use them! Its amazing how Rays "fans" have grown so annoying, so fast! Its gotta be some sort of record.

14. Mike Nolan: Fare thee well, Mike Nolan. I actually am a big fan of Mike Nolan, he's a dapper guy. He makes Bill Belichik look like a hobo! Oh, wait, that's not right. Bill Belichick makes Bill Belichick look like a hobo.

13. My Weak Seven Picks: What an embarassing week. The 5-9 record is somehow surprising. Partly because where I was wrong I was way wrong. "No shootout between Orton and Frerotte," I says. Final score 48-41. "Colts are back, Packers are mediocre," I says. Pack win. "Drew Brees and the Saints will roll over the reeling Panthers," I says. Brees has his worst statistical day of the season and N'awlins gets routed. Sensing a pattern here? I realize I was not alone, nor completely off base with my picks, but still kinda tough to look at.

12. Cowboys: It's like a galdarn soap opera down in " Big D". Imagine a Soap Opera in Dallas?! Hahaha! What would they even call that? As the 'Boys Turn? Haha! Young and the Classless? Heehee! Dallas? Hahaha! Hohohoho! Oh, wait a minute.

11. Frank Caliendo commercials: Hey, I like Frank Caliendo, he's still not funnier than Michael Winslow, but he is much, much funnier than Kellen Winslow and that should count for something. But its the mere repitition of all of them and seeing them every single commercial break during the World Series! I hate repitition! I hate repitition! I hate repitition!

9. Bengals: Well, just the ones from Cincinnati really. Remember a few years ago when they won their division and the city was full of hope? Yah, me neither. They are really on the cusp of winning a game tough, I can feel it!

8. Marvin Lewis: Marvin, there's no shame in quitting. I'll forgive you. It's time for a fresh start. Maybe something where you deal with fewer lawbreakers, like a parole officer? I dunno? I'm just spitballin' here.

7. Dan Orlovsky: I think the problem is Danny-boy needs a sweet nickame. Now, I'm sure Lions fans have plenty of suggestions, but this is a family blog folks. Let's see, "Dan the Man"? Eh, been done. "The Mind Boggler"? Eh. "Orlo"? No that's just awful. Well maybe somthing to do with his college, let's see he went to....UCONN?! Okay, how about "The Husky Hurler"? Makes it sound like he might have a weight problem. "Husky Hunk"? Nah. "Husky Hulk"? Stupid. Alright forget college! He's from Shelton, Connecticut, maybe something with that? "The Shelton Sure Thing"? That's too wordy and wildly inaccurate. Alright, let's see, how's about "Roger"? No? Um, "Hamburglar"? We're getting there. "Chow Daddy"? Closer. "Chucker"? Nah. "Beanie"? No. "Rodrigo"?! further away. "Magnum"? Warmer. "Doogie". Ooooh, warmer. "Cool Whip"?! Ding, ding, ding! I think we have a winner. Dan Orlovsky from this day forth shall be known as "Cool Whip"!


6. Tim McCarver: Here's a World Series Game One gem from Timmy, "Brad Lidge throws a lot of sliders in the dirt. Ruiz (the cathcer) is gonna have to block those." Oh really? You mean instead of ignoring the ball and letting roll to the backstop, which I'm assuming is the M.O. on Ruiz in the regular season, he's gonna want to do his job and block those balls. Now that's inside analysis you can only get from a former catcher right there folks! Of course this statement is also only partially true, because if there is no one on base and it's not strike three, then Ruiz can in fact let the ball go wherever. Tune in next time when Tim explains the intentional walk, "Now they're gonna walk him cause they don't want him to hit the ball." Can ESPN or someone come up with a show featuring Tim and John Madden just announcing, well, anything? Possibly stuff you'd only find in Obscure Sports Quarterly? I mean clearly, they wouldn't need any info, just a minute understanding of the sport. Bowling?

Madden: "Now the reason he puts that spin on the ball is so it'll hit near the middle with some spin. If it hits near the middle with some spin, he's gonna get more pins. If he gets more pins, he has a better chance of winning the match."

McCarver: "And you'll notice he throws the ball over to the right, so the spin has to be going left. Otherwise it'll end up in the gutter. Haha!"

5. Vikings Special Teams: They take the "special" right out of special teams! Yeah, I went there! So what? Their punter doesn't seem to have no Kluwe! Get it? His last name is Kluwe and it may or may not sound like "clue". We should note that Kluwe is no longer there punter and they are currently trying to coerce Bucky Scribner out of retirement.

4. Chiefs remaining QBs: When I hear the name Ingle Martin IV, I feel like they are too high up on this list. There is a very good chance I-Mart IV could actually see action. did Herm Edwards lose a bet? Honestly? Its like when you play the computer in Madden and really want to challenge yourself, so YOU PLAY TYLER THIGPEN OR INGLE MARTIN IV AT QUARTERBACK! Talk about a couple of sweet jerseys to have though, right? They'd look good right between my Tommy Kramer and Steve Bono jerseys. Of course we'd require the IV be on the jersey, of course.

3. My NHL knowledge: I try and read up on the NHL, but the problem is I have no idea what any of the hockey writers are saying? I don't know if they are being funny, witty, complacent, egregious (mostly because I'm not even entirely sure what "egregious" even means) or straight and to the point? Also, I don't get a lot of the hockey references they make. That being said the Bourque Chops managed a 3-4-5 opening week. Could be worse, I suppose. If only I had Steve Kasper!

2. Larry Johnson: No, not "Grandmama"! LJ just plain irks me. Partially because last year I had the #3 pick in a fantasy football draft. At the time I would of looked like a schmuck had I not taken him, so I did. He was definitley not worthy of that pick, so I put a pox on his house! And partially because he seems like a big stupid. Pardon my French. (This is set up perfectly for Toastie comment that just reads, "Turn off the French!" A comment that would be funny to at least 57% of my fan base, and me! But that's a story for another time.)

1. Lions: Isn't it weird that both winless teams are named after jungle cats? No? Okay, isn't it weird that Dan Orlovsky is a starting NFL quarterback? Or that he's still probably better than any one of the Chiefs current options at QB? No, Quinn Gray doesn't count yet!

WEEK EIGHT: NICK AND KITNA'S INFINITE PLAYLIST

This certainly is a topsy-turvy roller coaster ride of an NFL season thus far. I mean who's for real, who's not? I just don't know! Its is a dog-gone mystery worthy of Scoob and the gang, for sure. Well, last week's picks were, well, let's move on to this weeks picks:

RAIDERS @ RAVENS: The NFL has become as unpredictable as the weather in New England. The weather in New England being very unpredictable, is where I was going with that. So the first game under The Cable Guy, the Raiders got served up a big ol' whoopin' at the hands of the mighty Saints! So naturally it stood to reason that Brett "Aging Gunslinger" Favre would also have his way with Oakland, right? Wrong! They not only didn't get blown out, they won! Yes, the Raiders. Meanwhile the Ravens and their "bounty hunting" defense were absolutely shredded by Peyton Manning and the Colts. So of course, the Miami "Wildcat" was now gonna give them a challenge, right? Survey says, "EHHHHHHHHHH!" So I'm just gonna go and pretend that those last two weeks didn't happen in picking this one. Ravens 21-10.

CHARGERS vs. SAINTS @ LONDON, ENGLAND: Well, this at least, is a better match-up than last year's debacle across the pond. Get ready for some bangers and mash! The Chargers and Saints are also tough to predict. The Chargers are as up and down as a teeter-totter right now and the Saints just got mauled by the Panthers, so who knows what's gonna happen here? I certainly don't! I'm hoping for a shootout, personally, but if the weather's anything like last year's scrum, that won't happen. I guess Chargers 23-21.

CHIEFS @ JETS: Is Eric Mangini on the hot seat? Is Brett Favre helping the Lions? Is Brett Favre helping the Jets? Are the Jets even good? These are just a few questions I want answers to. An the Chies will provide answers to none of them. I mean they are but one hit away from Ingle Martin IV? I just don't know who that even is? Jets 35-15.

BILLS @ DOLPHINS: Bills are only one and a half point favorites in this one. One and a half?! Jinkies! I reckon that don't seem right at all. Not. At. All. Williams 23-17.

BUCCANEERS @ COWBOYS: This one 's a very intriguing match-up indeed. The Bucs, are actually pretty good. Jeff Garcia is back to being the "bee's knees"! While the Cowboys are the NFL's current soap opera. Everything points to a Bucs win in this one, but I'm gonna ignore all that. That's right because every week up becomes down, down becomes up, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria...oh, sorry I lost my train of thought. I'll take "As the 'Boys Turn" 24-21.

FALCONS @ EAGLES: The Falcons are yet another team muddled in the middle of the muck. Are they good? Are they not? I just don't know! The Eagles we thought were good and maybe they are? I just don't know! Eagles 31-24.

RAMS @ PATRIOTS: Everyone loves a Super Bowl rematch from several years ago, am I right? No? Well Rams fans might see the perfect time for some revenge. Of course beating Matt Cassel may only ease some of the left over pain. The Rams are hot, but are the Patriots the cold shower the doctor ordered? I really just don't know, but I'd like to think so. Pats 28-20.

CARDINALS @ PANTHERS: Add two more to the list of teams that may or may not be for real. I thought the Panthers were not for real after being "buc"-ed by Tampa, and what do they do? They go out and beat up on the Saints and shut down Drew Brees. Huh? Well, maybe the Saints aren't that good? I just don't know! Are the Panthers actually good? I just don't know! Then there's the Cardinals. Ah, the Kingdom of the Mighty Cardinal. After "The Gunslinger" had his way with the Cards, everyone, and I mean everyone, figured this was the same old Cardinals. But was it? They beat up the Williams and then the 'Boys. Of course the Williams lost Trent Edwards and the 'Boys lost to the Rams and barely edged the Bengals. So I just don't know?! I'm just gonna go with the home team I guess. Panthers 34-28.

LIONS @ REDSKINS: One sure thing we can rely on in these trying times is the Lions losing, right? Well, so far so good! But they are getting dangerously close to winning a game. Will this be the week? As much as I'd like to think the answer to that question is "yes", I just can't. Which of course means Dan Orlovsky will probably torch the Potatoskins for 3-hunny plus and a few TDs. 'Skins 28-14.

BROWNS @ JAGUARS: Uh, I'm getting bored just thinking about this game. Its amazing how Braylon Edwards 'stone hands' are so much more prominent when he's not balancing them with awesomeness and winning. Jags 27-21.

GIANTS @ STEELERS: Game of the week right here folks! Now I wish they could both lose, but that happening is just about, in the words of Ralph Wiggum, "unpossible"! Now as exciting as this game of running, defense and field position (yay punting!) is, we can only hope Steelers fans spice it up a bit by throwing pickles or condiment packets at Plaxico Burress. Fingers crossed. Steelers 17-13.

SEAHAWKS @ NINERS: Let the Mike Singletary era begin! Singletary is probably one of the best defensive players in Tecmo Bowl history. I mean, his real life career was good as well, but he was a Tecmo god! I think only Lawrence Taylor was in the same video game league as Singletary. Good enough for me! Niners 28-7.

BENGALS @ TEXANS: Can anyone give me one reason the Bengals will win this one? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Fair enough. Texans 37-21.

COLTS @ TITANS: Just when I though the Colts were back, they go and get Lambeau-ed in Green Bay. What to make of this? Stop me if you've heard this, but I just don't know! The Titans are as solid as they come right now, so I'd have to be an idiot to pick the Colts, right? NO, I am not picking the Colts you bunch of wisenheimers! Titans 21-14.

ADDRESSING A NATION

Dear Red Sox Nation,
I've given you a couple days to cool down a bit and to try and gain a little perspective. I know you're down. You just lost a playoff series to Tampa Bay. Tampa Bay, for crying out loud! Its not easy, I know. But this loss is a step in the right direction. You heard me right! Now, I'm not talking that whole, "good for baseball" yada, yada, yada, stuff. No, this loss is good for you, the members of Red Sox Nation.

I know what you're thinking, "How could a playoff loss be good for us?" And that's a valid question. You're soft, you're spoiled, your heads are swelled and you're to big for your britches, that's how, my friends! You've lost your edge, your bite, your bitterness, if you would. You're a shamble of your former selves! There used to be a uniquely bitter, self-loathing anger about you, that was, yes, mildly annoying, but yet somewhat endearing to the rest of western civilization. What happened to you?

In 2003, your beloved Sawx helped you keep that anger and bitterness, with some help from Aaron "Bleepin" Boone, and Grady Little. All was right with the world. The Sawx were the Sawx. October heartbreak continued being as regular (okay not, every year regular, but stay with me here) as the leaves falling from the trees in New England. Now, for some, you could turn to the mini-dynasty that was the Patriots to ease your pain. Yeah, remember that? The Patriots were winning and winning and winning. But everyone in the vicinity of Boston knows, even that couldn't help the Pats overtake the Sawx as #1 in any if your hearts. Its just not that easy. Boston's a baseball town and always will be. But you still had America behind you, cheering on the most expensive underdogs ever. Whether they actually wanted the Sawx to win, the Yankees to lose, or just for you to quit your whining, they were on your side. But then it all came unraveled.

Yep, then came 2004. All was going according to the plan. The Sawx were pitted against the Yankees, and after two close losses, the Yankees, well, to put it mildly, routed the Sawx, at Fenway no less, 19-8. The Yankees were on the brink of playing for yet another World Championship. Get that sob story ready about "the Curse" and brace yourselves for another long offseason, right? Well, not just yet. The Sawx won Game 5, but no big deal, right? They were just prolonging the inevitable, right? I mean the cruel baseball gods would never let the Sawx emerge from this series victorious, right? Well, we all know how that turned out. Yada, yada, yada, the Sawx won their first Championship in 86 years. For all intents and purposes, "the Curse" was reversed.

No more,"Woe is me". No more, "Look at all our heartbreaking moments." No more, any of it! Whatever to do? What was there to be angry about? What was there to keep everyone on your side? More importantly, what was there to be bitter about? The world was your oyster, but now that world could care less. Couldn't get mad at being swept out of the playoffs by the White Sox in '05 or at not even making the playoffs in '06, could ya? You were not far enough removed from the "big one." Then came the 2007 season.

Once again, you found the Sawx with their backs to the walls against the Tribe, but now only you cared. And of course, once again, the Sawx clawed back, won the American League pennant and then the World Series. You, "the Nation", became more unbearable than ever. You now had that winning swagger about you, that sense of entitlement, that unbearable cockiness. You became, in essence, exactly what you reviled. Gone was the lovable loser. Gone was the modesty of sorts. Gone was that edge, that anger, that bitterness!

The TV ratings for this year's ALDS against the Angels were extremely low in the Boston markets. Huh? Where was this rabid fanbase? Was it true that the recent winning had rendered the early round of playoff games boring and meaningless? Was Red Sox Nation becoming more and more like, dare I say it, Yankees fans? When the Sawx were down 3-1 to the Rays, most of "the Nation" was not even concerned? The Sawx had done it before, "why should we be concerned," you thought. What the flip is going on here?! How cocky are you? Not even concerned on the brink of elimination? Ridiculous! Once Game 7 rolled around, you were brimming with confidence. "This was in the bag," you thought. You would watch and wait for the celebration. But, in the end it was not "the Sawx" that were celebrating was it? No, it was not. And here we are, getting drunk and listening to Air Supply.

This is exactly the shot in the arm you need! Get back to being angry. Get back to being humble. Get back to being sad-sacked. Get back to being bitter! Lose the self-righteousness. Lose the swagger. Lose the sense of entitlement! I mean if the Celtics hadn't gone and mucked up the works, it would be much easier, sure, but you can do this. You need to do this! You need to assume you're not gonna win. You need to assume you will be set up to fall hard! You need to assume you're gonna lose, possibly, hopefully, in a gut-wrenching manner. That's the natural order of things, and you're MESSING IT UP! Have you forgotten where you came from? Have you?! Hmmmm?! Red Sox Nation, it is time to get back to basics.

MAIL CALL!

Well, it's been a while since we opened up the good ol' mail satchel, so away we go.

Casey C. of somewhere near the nation's capitol has lots to say, Just wanted to let you know you're my bathroom reading material at work (there's more). True Story, I would often place Dan Orlovsky in the starting lineup when using the Detroit Lions when playing Madden against my buddy Matt. Now, before you cry blasphemy about not using Kitna, a previous matchup against Matt involved a 5 interception game from Kitna, not to mention a few horribly underthrown deep balls. **Sidenote** Actually numbers of picks thrown may vary as I was all sauced up at the time. Tell you what, if anything that Orlovsky can stretch the field, I think he had an arm strength rating in the mid 60's. He better take those pythons to the vet...cause they're SIIIICK!!! I dunno, I just liked scrambling with him and that's something coming from a guy who likes the classic drop back passer as much as you know I do.

I can't say how much I appreciate that. Don't really know if there is a higher honor in all of the blogosphere, than becoming work day bathroom reader? You can have your bloggies Kissing Suzy Kolber, we're a bathroom reader, now!

As for the Kitna thing, well, your stock dropped back down a bit Casey. And not just for benching the great Jon Kitna (what he lacks in completion percentage and winning, he more than makes up for with a rugged handsomeness!), but also for playing Orlovsky. Drew Stanton is the QB of the future! I don't know what Madden game you're playing, but Drew Stanton has 70 in scramblebility or whatever its called. At least 5 points higher than Orlovsky! So, I would urge you to either use Stanton or a lot of crossing patterns and HB option routes. Or if you wanna win, pick a better team, like the Chiefs.

Buzz from Cortland, NY questions the origin of the "Wildcat" formation's name. I thought the 'Wildcat' offense was named after the Goldie Hawn movie by the same name? Oh those fabulous 80s!!

One thing I know for sure is the 80s were indeed fabulous, especially Goldie Hawn movie wise. As for the 'Wildcat' formation and where it got its name? I was as stunned as anyone to find its origins tying into the good old CNY (Central New York for those not in the know), but that's just what they say, and I can't argue with that. Now I realize there could be a lot of confusion here, because as we all know there are several NFL offensive formations that are named after Goldie Hawn movies. The Colts run the "Overboard" formation. While the whimsical Bill Belicik utilizes the "Private Benjamin" play with Ben Watson, where Benny is a decoy. John Fox often runs "The Protocol". Scott Linehan ran the highly unsuccessful "Death Becomes Her" offense. And of course Rod Marinelli runs the "Foul Play". Hope that clears up some of the confusion.

Paul of Valatie, NY wants to know where the Cubs bashing is- When the Mets imploded and didn't make the 'offs, you were all up in their skillets, but the Cubs, who have been far more futile, flop again and we don't see word one about it? What gives?! Also I love Shirtless Guttenburg!

Touchee. Well Paulie, can I call you Paulie? No? Okay. Here's the thing. The Cubs are my number two team behind the Red Sox, so I am a bit more lenient on them than say, the Mets. But to appease a loyal reader, here are some Cubs digs just for you:

• Hey Cubs, that really stunk how you were all good during the regular season and then didn't win and stuff.
• Hey Cubs, you have broken many hearts throughout Wrigley Planet. For shame!
  
• Good work Cubs. NOT!
• Hey Cubs, that sucky team called, they want their losingness back!
• I mean what in the name of Hector Villanueva were you doing out there, really?!
  

There we go, that should do the trick. And if didn't? Boom.



Johnny G. of Tampa, FL says, Now that your beloved Sawx are out of the postseason, who do you like in the World Series?

Well Johnny, I know if I say I'm rootin' for the Phils, people will think its out of pure bitterness I may now harbor for the Rays. Nothing could be further from the truth. Well, maybe if I said I thought John McCain would make for a good President of the United States, that would be further from the truth. I actually hold no ill-will towards the Rays. If they weren't battling the Red Sox in the ALCS I would whole-heartedly be rooting them on. They're a young and exciting team led by a crafty, unconventional manager. That being said, I have some good friends who are Phillies fans and I'll be pulling for their squadron of choice. Plus the Phillies have always sort of been one of my gimmick teams. I realize Rays fans have gone a decade without winning, but the Phils fans are closing in on three, decades that is. Besides, you wanna tell a Phillies fan you ain't rootin' for the Phils? I think not. And Santa better deliver this early Christmas present for Phils fans, as he's already on thin ice with "The City of Brotherly Love". So I'm pulling for the Phils.

Jim H. of St. Louis, MO asks, Is this the most parity ever in the NFL? I mean is there any team in the league you think can't win on any given Sunday?

Well Jim, for me to answer your first question I would first have to have some universally accepted definition of "parity" and second-of-ly do some research. I think we all know that both of those things require way more work than I am willing to exert. That being said, it does seem super paritical? parity-ish? It feels like more teams have a chance to win. Yes, even the Lions. Each week, they are closer and closer to winning, sort of. And I can't seem to figure it out, as evidenced by my picks. Let us review. I predicted a low scoring Bears-Vikings game (they combined for almost 90 points), a Colts easy victory (they were creamed), a Saints drubbing of the Panthers (that went the other way), a Jets romp (they lost to the Raiders), a Browns victory (they lost), and a Broncos win (they were crushed at Foxboro). So either this is the most unpredictable NFL ever or I'm a big dumb animal. Could go either way.

B.J. U wants to know, How exactly does Matt Garza get named ALCS MVP? BJ Upton and Evan Longoria both seemed to have a bigger series'. Garza pitched well twice, but one time he was staked to a big lead. What gives?

Oddly enough BJ, I wondered the same thing. I mean watching that series, I didn't feel anyone was better than Upton. He had 4 homers and 11 RBIs, and as a Sawx fan I don't think there's a person I was more scared of in the ALCS. Garza definitely pitched extremely well, no denying that, but I still think Upton was slightly more deserving. But here's the argument for Garza. He won half of the games in the series, pitched phenomenally and won the clincher, which in effect was the Rays' biggest game of the season and for that matter, history. In the big game Upton was hitless. That's what I figure, but BJ, BJ had my vote.

Frank C., from Chicago, IL is curious, What are your thoughts on the DirectTV ads we've been bombarded with throughout the Playoffs on TBS?

What ever Craig T. Nelson says goes! Bring back Coach! He's the only thing not annoying me. My problem with the movie scene ads, like the one featuring Craig T., is that's the only one I get to see. I know they've had others, why can't they at least mix in some of those ones? I mean when they first aired they had a few mixed into the rotation. If they can't bother to make new ones, why not keep up a good mix of the old ones? And if you are gonna make some new ones, may I suggest something with either a Shirtless Guttenburg, Breckin Meyer or Reginald VelJohnson.



The only problem I have with the Frank Caliendo ads, is the same problem I have with the Frank Caliendo Show. And that would be Frank Caliendo. Now, his impressions are top notch, which is great, but when he dresses up like the people he's impersonating that's where I get irked. I mean the one's he actually looks like, like say George Costanza, are fine. But what's the point of him dressing up like Jack Nicholson or Al Pacino when he impersonates them? He doesn't look anything like them! The voices are so spot on, we can get it without the garb. I don't know maybe it's just me. Wait, what was the question?

Annnnndddddd that concludes another "Mail Call".

ROUNDOFFS: HEADLINE EDITION

That's right folks the first ever " Headline" edition of Roundoffs! You may be asking yourself, "Well, what exactly does that mean?" It means almost literally what it says. The rest of this post will consist only of headlines, relevant to current-ish events. Got that? Okay, you're right, that was not a headline. So we'll start it right, wait for it, now....

• Red Socked! Rays oust BoSox in Seven!
• Lewis and Ravens Dine on "Wildcat"
• St. Louis "Rams" 'Boys 34-10
  
• Saints Alive! Panthers Maul N'awlins
• Winning Not a "Chief" Concern in Kansas City
  
• Rays of Hope!
• Pats Buckin' Broncos
• Phightin' Phils Phans in a Phrenzy
• Jim Haslett the Rams Play
• Manning Goes Down in Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood
• Raiders Win! Really!
• Steinbrenner Trying to Help Economy, Looks to Sign Dow Jones to Long Term Deal
• Ocho Stink-o; Bengals Lose Again
• Sen. McCain Not Linked to Smiley Fries; Loses Support
• No Kitna, No Problem! Lions Still Able to Lose!
  
• Chargers, Stadium Lose Power
  
• ESPN Shows Sporting Events Back-to-Back!
• Tampa May Not be Melrose's Place
  
• Joe Six Pack Calls Out Plumber to Fix Leak
  
• Upt-on At Them!
• Not Singin' the Blues in St. Louis
  
• McCain Denies Causing Dinosaur Extinction
• Ice Capades Cause Riot
  
• Breckin Myers' Career Reportedly Still Missing
• Fox Scrambles to Find Tampa Bay Songs
• Extra-Orton-ary!
• Calgary Flame Out?
• Steelers Get Moore Than They Bargain For
• "Bitterness" Makes Deadspin!
  

And there it is, the end of our first ever "Headlines" edition of Roundoffs, hope you've enjoyed and good luck with whatever it is your doing.

MOCK THE VOTE

Now we here at "Bitterness" never really get political. We do not like to throw favor towards either party (Republicans are evil). We don't go out and just pepper our fans with one-sided political rhetoric (Vote Obama). We don't want to just insert our political views into random posts (McCain is a mentally unbalanced windbag). We're not here to decide for you (Vote Obama). We don't want to try and influence you in any way, shape or form (You're an idiot if you vote for McCain). And while we know who we're voting for (Obama) we're not gonna bother stuffing it down our readers throats (Barack the vote. Vote Obama. Down with McCain). We will remain politically unbiased to our readers (Vote Obama, vote Obama, vote Obama). And just to further drive this point home, we now offer some light-hearted, perfectly balanced, unbiased political video:








So please get out and vote (for Obama)! It's imperative that you get involved (with helping Obama become President). We here at "Bitterness" want you to make your own decision (to vote for Obama). So go out and Barack the vote!

WEEK 7: WHAT ABOUT KITNA?

Well it's been a trying week here at "Bitterness", what with Kitna's season over, the Red Sox season almost over, giving me heart palpitations into the wee hours of the morn and whatnot. So you will have to pardon the lateness and somewhat half-ass-ed-ness of this weeks picks. Of course if you don't there's pretty much nothing I can do about it. So on with the show!

TITANS @ CHIEFS: The Titans seem like the kind of team that will play a solid game week in and week out. The Chiefs seem like the kind of team that will show up in their uniforms week in and week out. Titans 23-3.

CHARGERS @ BILLS: Probably the toughest pick of the week. The Bills have had a couple of weeks to stew on the loss in the Kingdom of the Mighty Cardinal. The Chargers beat up on Matt Cassel making them feel good. In Buffalo, I'll take the Williams 17-13.

STEELERS @ BENGALS: The Ben-gals have not been quiiiiiiiiiiite as bad as that record indicates. The Steelers are coming off a much needed bye week. So, while the Bengals are not quiiiiiiiite as bad as their record, they are still not good, and certainly not up in Pittsburgh's strata. Steelers 21-11.

RED SOX @ RAYS, Game Six: Sawx haven't lost a Game Six since, well the Game Six. Something likes to tell me this magic carpet ride ain't over. Sawx 8-6

RAVENS @ DOLPHINS: The Ravens are reeling after being run up and down the field by Peyton Manning last week, now they face the "wildcat". The "wildcat" is so deadly that both Kareem Abdul Jabbars could end up getting a big run out of it. Dolphins 31-27.

COWBOYS @ RAMS: No Romo, no problem! Dallas has Brad Johnson! He'll make it rain out there! But no Pacman? That's a whole 'nother ball of yarn. So much for laying low and under the radar, huh? You'd have thunk Jerry Jones learned his lesson with Q'bert Davis, back in the day? Guess not. Now while its tough to pick against Jim Haslett, who has not lost a game this season as a head coach, well, actually I guess its not really that tough at all. Cowboys 27-21.

VIKINGS @ BEARS: Well this should be a shootout. NOT! Frerotte vs. Orton? Really? Sadly enough this a battle for the top of the NFC North, which has seemingly been going south. I guess the Bears will win it 21-13.

SAINTS @ PANTHERS: Drew Brees is playin' all ridiculous like, on the real! The Panthers got served last week against Tampa Bay. So without a doubt I'm gonna have to go with the Saints 31-20.

49ERS @ GIANTS: G-men should bounce back, but who knows? Jitter O'Sullivan is feisty, FEISTY, I say! Plus if Mike Nolan's not on the hot seat, the maitre d's about ready to show him to it. Giants 21-17.

LIONS @ TEXANS: Well, if you can't say anything nice.........Texans 35-12.

RAIDERS @ JETS: Wow, Tom Cable really got his team fired up for last week's game. Art Shell stay by your phone! Now, I am by no means an NFL, or for that matter football, expert, but I'm guessing not a lot of winning teams have had QBs who are excited just to complete half of their passes. Jets 28-7.

BROWNS @ REDSKINS: Hmm, these teams were kind of on opposite ends of the spectrum last week. I'm gonna pull out the transitive property for this one. Giants beat 'Skins, Browns beat Giants. Plus, after losing to the Rams you've gotta earn your way back into our good graces! Browns 21-17.

COLTS @ PACKERS: Are the Colts really back? I mean they did torch one of the best defenses in the league. And there's that whole Packers not being intimidating thing. I'm thinking Colts 28-14.

SEAHAWKS @ BUCCANEERS: If there's any better reason to hope for an ALCS Game 7, I can't think of it. The Seahawks are actually already losing 10-0. Bucs 24-7.

BRONCOS @ PATRIOTS: As a starter Matt Cassel seems to win like every other week. Something tells me that'll change this week. And that something my be indigestion from that chili I just ate. We may never know. Broncos 23-13.

RED SOX @ RAYS, Game 7: Jonny Lester rebound game and here come the Sawx once again. Big night for Pedroia the Destroyah, Sawx 8-1.

Well there ya have it! Good night and good luck.

ROUNDOFFS: BURNING QUESTIONS EDITION

• What is the record for most pitches in an inning without giving up a run? Cause if Daisuke doesn't hold it, he must be close.
• Why is Mike Timlin even on the Red Sox playoff roster? Was it that sexy 5.66 E.R.A.?
  
• Can anyone stop the Dolphins "Wildcat"?
• Is Dan Orlovsky even aware of all the rules of football?
• Was anyone even aware that Dan Orlovsky plays football?
  
• Does Brett Favre crap golden eggs?
• How is it that Tim McCarver seemingly gets stupider by the minute?
  
• Was Terry Francona channeling Grady Little in ALCS Game 2?
• What's better? Dallas losing to Arizona or the Giants losing to the Browns?
  
• Or Battlestar Galactica?
  
• Does anyone else giggle every time So Taguchi is announced?
• Did the NFL really almost lose all its winless teams in the same day?
• Who put the "bop" in the bopshebopshebop?
  
• Seriously, who is Dan Orlovsky?
• Are we really sure you can't script October?
• Hey, remember a couple weeks ago when the Broncos were "great"?
• Remember six weeks ago when the Patriots were great?
• Is it just me, or is a Bills-Titans playoff rematch totally possible?
  
• DAN ORLOVSKY?! Anyone?
• Where is Breckin Meyer?
• Who's a bigger blowhard John Madden or Tim McCarver?
• Who is responsible for those ridiculous walkie-talkie cell phones? Cause they need to be talked to!
• Anyone else find it weird that no one has brought up the Summer Catch connection to the NLCS? I mean Freddie Prinze, Jr. was in the Phils organization, while his nemesis was with the Dodgers organization. Coincidence? Can't we script October?
  
• Is anyone else scared that John McCain could be the leader of the free world?
  
• Or how 'bout the fact that if he croaks, Sarah Palin would be running the free world?
• Do you think FOX was so glad to have the NLCS, cause there are no songs about Tampa that they could play over and over when the Rays did stuff?
• More annoying Bon Jovi's "I Love This Town" or John Cougar Mellencamp's, "This is our Country."?
• Where's the beef?
  
• Is Jim Haslett a good coach?
• How long before Art Shell takes over in Oakland?
• Will knowing practically nothing about the NHL actually help my fantasy hockey team?
• Who shot Laura Palmer?
• Is Joe Maddon a Mac or a PC?
• Why do hockey teams leave Canada? I mean baseball teams I can understand, but hockey? Hockey?! Well hopefully they can at least support the Bills.
  
• If there's something strange in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call?
• Why no more Kitna? WHY?!
• Did Joe Torre drop the ball by starting Derek Lowe on short rest?
• Is the best financial investment right now buying a large fry at McDonald's?
• Who is this Dow Jones fella and what's he doing to our money?
• How is Beverly Hills Chihuahua the number one movie in America?
  
• Has it already surpassed the box office numbers for Troop Beverly Hills?
• When will the madness end?
• What are the odds of my social security benefits being there when I retire?

Phew! Well that about wraps up this edition of "Roundoffs", hope you enjoyed and if you have answers to any of these "burning questions" please feel free to comment! As for me, I'm gonna make a sandwich and watch my stories.

THE RANT: DEJA-VU ALL OVER AGAIN?

I have not been to cnnsi.com, espn.com, deadspin or any other sports website today. I have not watched ESPN, Fox Sports, NESN, Oxygen or any other wonderful cable network this morning. I have not read the Boston Globe, Boston Herald, The New York Times, the St.Petersburg times or the Herald-Journal. To sum up, I am basically saying I have not had any contact with the outside world in regards to the ALCS. And do you know why? No its not cause I'm a Red Sox fan, which I am, but rather because I already know everything that'll be written about the current ALCS.

You see many of the articles will highlight the fact the Red Sox have been in this situation before. Twice before actually. In both 2004 and 2007, two years in which the Sawx won the World Series, they had to surmount, what many believed to be insurmountable odds, to get there. The similarities are striking. In last year's ALCS, the Sawx took Game 1, then lost an extra inning Game 2 when they had to throw the back of the bullpen. Sound familiar? After losing the next 2 games they rattled off 3 straight wins against the Indians and advanced to the World Series. And of course I'm sure most of you remember the '04 ALCS against the Yankees, right? After getting embarrassed 19-8, at home, to go down 3-0 in the best-of-seven series, the Sawx won four straight to advance to the World Series. And here we are again.

The Sawx, once again, find themselves down 3-1. This time to the young, fiesty, upstart, handsome Rays of Tampa. Their backs, once again, up against the proverbial wall. But how similar are the situations, really? Let's take a look:

• We all know the Sawx were favored in both '04 and '07. Not in '08. They have been chasing the Rays pretty much all of the second half.
• In '04 and '07 Big Papi was Mr. Clutch, Mr.October, Mr. Sparkle! But not the case in '08, hitless thus far in the LCS, as Red Sox Nation eagerly awaits for the real Big Papi to please stand up.
• In '04 and '07 the Sawx were well oiled machines, firing on all cylinders. This time around, according to Jason Bay, "We're just not firing on all cylinders right now."
  
• The '04 and '07 Sawx were healthy (with, of course, the exception of Curt Schilling). This year Papi is nursing a wrist, Mike Lowell is not even on the active roster, JD Drew has been hobbled, and Josh Beckett, who has been a dominant postseason pitcher in the past, is nursing an oblique. That's a Frank Thomas! Big Hurt? No one?
  
• In '04 the the Yankees were flat, and did not gel as a team. The Rays don't have that problem. They are a cohesive unit of excitement!
• The '07 Indians just fell apart, blamed partly on inexperience, and being young'uns. Now the Rays are for the most part young and inexperienced. But unlike the Indians, the Rays have now faced the Sawx 22 times in '08. Meaning they know the Sawx, and know them well. Unlike the Indians of '07, the Rays won, maybe the toughest division (only one team did not finish over .500) in baseball. In other words, the Rays have gained experience against the best.

The bottom line here is this, even though the Red Sox have managed to comeback, against the odds, in the past to get to the World Series, it does not mean it will hold true again. Its a different team and just because it happened before doesn't mean it'll happen again. The Red Sox went 86 years between championships. It was a given that they would collapse in the end, because that had been their way ever since they sent some lady, Baby Ruth I think was her name, to the hated Yankees. But lo' and behold, they came back against the Yankees. They had in essence exorcised their demons, but this years Rays have ditched the devil.

All those historical numbers, stats and other ballyhoo is relevant, but only to a point. Let's cliche it out:

• To the Rays: those who don't learn history are doomed to repeat it.
• To Red Sox Nation: Sooner or later every good thing, comes to an end.
• The Sawx are down but not out.
• The Rays are just gonna play their game, and try and knock the Sawx off.
  
• The Sawx will just have to take it one game at a time.
• The Rays are not gonna take anything for granted.
• Both teams respect the other and know what they are capable of.
• Both teams are just gonna try and stay loose.
• Every cloud has a silver lining.
• The Rays want to prove they're for real.
• The Red Sox want to make history again
  
• That's the way the cookie crumbles.
• Every dog has its day.
• You can't script October!

There! Now I have saved you reading every single article about the ALCS. Now you have more time to get your Seven Mary Three cover band!

MLB STEROID SCANDAL: THE MOVIE

We figure its only a matter of time before there's a sweet made for TV movie on ESPN, TNT or Lifetime about the MLB steroid fiasco. Possible titles include Roids, BALCO, Performance Enhanced, Leonard Part 9, Bud Selig: Blind or Just Daft?, How Did We Not Know?, Muscle Beach, Things Congress Wasted Time and Money on While Our Country Was Involved a War That Had No End in Sight. Oh wait, that last one was actually a hint on Pyramid. Anyway, we here at "Bitterness" thought we'd get the jump on who exactly would be cast in said movie. And away we go!

George Mitchell will be played by ALF's Max Wright














David Doyle of Charlie's Angels fame will portray Victor Conte













The part of Jose Canseco will be played by Lou Ferrigno
















Mark McGwire will be played by Brian Bosworth.












with John Turturro (cause you know he'll be involved. I'm actually surprised he didn't play Dale Earnhardt in 3) as Rafael Palmiero and Benito Santiago



















Alan Tudyk, aka Steve the Pirate or Reverend Veal as Curt Schilling













Steve Gutenberg will be played by Shirtless Steve Gutenberg














Donald Gibb (better known as Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds) as Jason Giambi













I'm sure we could have Giambi lash out at Congress with a good old fashioned, "NEEEEEERDDDSSS!"




World's Strongest Man Jarek Dymek as Roger Clemens
















with Todd Bridges as young Barry Bonds















and "Zeus" Tiny Lister as present day Barry Bonds
















and as Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig



ALF!